Like, 60 guys walk into a bar (freestyle comedy ensues)

[One of Pwnage]

You'd think one of them would have seen it! ( budum, ksh!):D

p.s. are blond jokes o.k. in this forum?

[Fifthfiend]

p.s. are blond jokes o.k. in this forum?

In absence of a contrary opinion I'll say sure, but if another moderator wants to step in and say they don't want to hear it, then we'll go with that.

....That wasn't funny at all, was it?

I fail at this thread.:(

[One of Pwnage]

No, your right, it wasn't funny, sorry.

[Fifthfiend]

I got a pretty good blond joke, but I don't want to get banned for it. No profanity, no disgusting stuff, just laughs at other peoples expences. So if another mod reads this, please pm me or post if this is ok.

We've been over this, it's okay! Now post your damn joke already, joke-boy!

[handofpwn]

Okay, 5 guys walk into a talent agency, the one on the right goes around the side.

[Azisien]

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant!

Bwahaha! Always the best.

Now all I have left are lame science jokes and highly offensive baby killing/racial jokes...Likely inappropriate.

[Fifthfiend]

Now all I have left are lame science jokes and highly offensive baby killing/racial jokes...Likely inappropriate.

Oh yes no dead baby jokes, please.

...Okay, except for this (http://www.robandelliot.cycomics.com/archive.php?id=246) one (http://www.robandelliot.cycomics.com/archive.php?id=247).

[handofpwn]

a captain and his first mate are on a sub marine, the captain says "a torpedo is about to hit us, go tell a joke to the men so they die happy". the first mate walks below deck and says "i bet i can break this table with my jhonson." so he whips it out and smacks the table, just then the sub explodes. turns out, the captain and the first mate were the only two that survived. so the captain asks, "what happened" the first mate replies, "i told the men i could break the table with my jhonson". the captain said, "well you better be careful with that thing, cause the torpedo missed!"

I hope that really sexual jokes like that are okay.

[I_Like_Swordchucks]

Oh dear... you guys don't know what you've unleashed.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?: Opens the car door.

If a blonde and a brunette both jumped of a cliff, who would land first?: The brunette... the blonde would have to stop and ask directions.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?: Gifted.

Two blonde biologists were walking in the woods and came across a set of tracks. One thought they were deer tracks, the other thought they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

What do you call a brunette on a Saturday night?: Single.

[synkr0nized]

Blond jokes! How extremely overdone and unfunny anymore original and superb!








Ok, sometimes they can be amusing.

[batgirl]

Oh boy, here they come:

How do you make a blond's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray

how do you kill a blonde
put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

[Mesden]

Oh man, you people just keep it up.

I mean, please, it's really more funny if you are blonde.

Lemme go store away my soul real quick though.

=p

[I_Like_Swordchucks]

Don't want blonde jokes? Okay... I have no limitations on bad jokes.

There was a guy named Fred who would always say "It could have been worse". This annoyed his friends, as they felt he always diminished their problems. So they decided to make up a story where he couldn't say it in order to cure him of the habit. So they come up to him this one day "Hey Fred, did ya hear about Tom?"

Fred says "No. I didn't. What happened?"

Friends say "Well last night he went home last night and found his wife in bed with another man. He got so upset he shot them both dead and then turned the gun on himself."

Fred shakes his head. "Boy, thats horrible. Just horrible. But it could have been worse."

His friends stare at him in shock. "How could that have possibly been worse?"

Fred smiles. "If it happened the night before I'd have been dead."

Ba-da-bing!!!

[Mesden]

Don't want blonde jokes? Okay... I have no limitations on bad jokes.

That's like the exact opposite of what I said. =P

[Darth SS]

There's two blonds laying on a beach in Vancouver. They're looking up at the night sky, and one asks "Which do you think is farther? Florida, or the moon?"

The other says, "Florida, duh."

"How do you know?" inquires the other.

"Look around. Can you see Florida?"




I've break out the weapons chest and see what else I can come up with.

[The SSB Intern]

A pirate is sitting on a bench. A punk-rocker teen with a sharp nose, blue mohawk, and 3 sets of earrings. The pirate stares at him.

"What are you looking at?" The kid asks.

"Oh, nothing," the pirate replies, "just be that I slept with a parrot 'bout 14 years back and I was wondering if ye be me son."

Learned this one from a priest.

[Bells]

Well, this thread will come in handy...

Now... during this thread :
http://forum.nuklearpower.com/showthread.php?t=16497&page=4

RaiRai posted this about boobs

What is 'really, really, really big' in a guys standard?

And as i was typping a "witty lame-but-true response", a lightingbolt stroke a dog in front of my house... then, my house stayed without eletricity until just about a few minutes ago (I have no freaking idea why...)... but, all the other houses in my neighborhood STILL had eletricity during that...

This is not BS, this actually just happened...

So, either the superior beings REALLY didnt like what i was typing, or that dogwas Satan in desguise...

Either way, im posting here my original response, since its a lame joke, it fits... and also, the recent story behind it its actually more entertaining than the actual "joke"....

What is 'really, really, really big' in a guys standard?

If i give it a headbut, and I fall back... its too big.

[42PETUNIAS]

Why do blonde women have bruised belly buttons?

Blonde men.

[PyrosNine]

YAY! Bad jokes are a good part of any balanced diet.

A Texan dies and goes to hell, and is tasked with digging a 40x40 foot whole and then refilling it for eternity in the fires of hell.

One day, The devil is making his rounds when he comes upon the Texan.

"Hot enough for you?" He asks.

"Nope, I'm from Texas." The man replies.

So the devil smiles and walks off to the thermostat of hell, where he turns it up several notches. The next day he walks up to the Texan and asks just as he did the day before.

"Is it hot enough for you?" He snickers.

"Nope, I'm from Texas!" The Texan repeats with confidence.

So the devil goes and turns it up even more, all the way to the hottest it can get, and even the other demons are complaining. Yet again, he goes up to the Texan the next day and asks: "Hot enough for you?"

"Nope, I'm from Texas!" The man replies, unfazed.

The devil is bewildered, but as crafty as he is, a solution is found shortly. He returns to the thermostat once more, but this time, turns it down all the way.

The next day he walks through an icy hell to the Texan, and asks "Cold enough for you?"

The Texan is jubilant. "Damn Straight I"m cold! But what the hell do I care? THE 49'ers JUST WON THE SUPERBOWL!"

[Nikose Tyris]

Q: What do you call a Black Doctor?


A: A doctor, you racist.

[xravi]

At a highschool graduation the students started shouthing
"Let Jo graduate!"

The principle then gave Jo another chance.
"If you solve this math promblem i'll let you garduate; if you have two apples then you get two more apples have many apples do you end up with?"

Jo though long and hard untill he found the answer
"Four."

The graduating students then started shouting
"Give Jo another chance!"

Oh crap I messed up the joke.

[Death by Stabbing]

Why would a Texan want the 49'ers to win the superbowl?

Wouldn't he want the Houston Texans to win...now Hell will freeze over when that happens...they seem to just suck so badly

DBS

[Demetrius]

A man has been stuck on a deserted island for months, barely managing to survive.

One day while wandering aimlessly on the beach he sees a beautiful woman in a skin tight wetsuit emerge from the surf. She sees him and smiles smolderingly and walks over to him.

"Hey, care for a smoke?" She asks.

"Well sure" replies the man with a grin.

The woman winks at the man and unzips her wetsuit a couple inches revealing smooth tanned skin still wet from the surf, and pulls out a cigarette and after a moment and another inch a lighter. She smiles again and lights the cigarette in her mouth before passing it to the man.

As the man finishes the last drag on his smoke the woman asks, "Care for a cold one?"

The man seeing how this may go smiles a little himself and says "I wouldn't complain", the woman smiles at him again and lowers her zipper a little further, reaches in and with a little shimmy pulls out a cold beer and pops it open on the lighter.

The man thanks God for his luck as he happily guzzles down his beer. The woman asks if he would care for a refill, again the man says yes. and again more skin and cleavage is revealed as she pulls out another beer. This continues until te man wonders if the same magic that allows her to pull beer from below her zipper is holding the wetsuit on as well.

Finally the woman steps up to the man, gazes into his eyes lustfully and asks, "Want to play around?"

Stunned at his good fortune the man steps back, stares longingly at the beautiful woman and stutters "Y-you have golf clubs in there too!!"

:sweatdrop I like golf:cool:

[Mirai Gen]

So, the pirate captain tells his first mate to drop his pants, and bend over.

That's the joke.

You don't get it?

HE DID!
----
Do you have a hobo under your bed? If so, it's one of those things that goes bum in the night.

[Krylo]

So this couple is having trouble with their sex lives. Nothing seems to excite them anymore, and the sexual frustration is getting so bad that they're constantly snapping at each other and are about ready to get a divorce. Luckily, before that happens, they hear about a new therapist who has been working wonders in cases like theirs.

So they go in to see the guy and he puts them through a series of tests, keeping careful track of all the results until finally he sits them down together and says he thinks he can help them. The couple, excited to hear that they might have a chance urges the doctor to go on. The doctor says, "Well, first you must buy a box of donuts and a bag of cherries. You, ma'am, eat the donuts from your husband's phallus, and you, sir, eat the cherries from your wife's vagina."

So the couple goes home and tries this and it works wonders for them. Their life turns around, and soon they're just as happy as they had ever been. Now, a married friend of the couple notices this, and relates that he, too, had been having problems seeking advice from the two. Well they tell him, like any good people would, about the therapist.

So he brings his wife to the therapist and he puts them through the same tests, hmming the whole way through, until, finally, when they sit down with him he tells them that he can't help them.

Well the couple begs and pleads and finally the therapist says, "Ok ok, but I make no guarantees that this will work. First you must buy a bag of apples and a box of cheerios..."

---

Why don't the elderly practice cunnilingus? ... Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

---
So there's this blonde who goes to a certain hair-stylist once a month every month. But see, everytime she's wearing this walkman, and the hairstylist always asks her to take it off so that she can cut the woman's hair properly. Everytime the blonde refuses, absolutely insisting to wear the walkman through the hair-cut. Well, time goes by like this, and the blonde's hair starts to look absolutely horrible because the stylist can not cut it properly with the earphones in the way, until finally, without waiting to ask, the stylist just rips the headphones off the blonde's head, hoping to give her a real hair cut, and, wouldn'tcha know it, the blonde just drops dead right there.

So the hairstylist, confused, picks up the headphones to listen, and what does she hear?

"Breath in... breath out... breath in... breath out..."

----
What's the best part of fucking a twelve year old girl? When you're done you can flip her over and pretend like she's a boy.

---
So this guy goes to a whorehouse, right? But he's only got about five dollars on him, and the maitre de turns him away, saying that they don't have anything he can get for that price. Well the guy begs and pleads, saying he'll take absolutely anything. Finally the guy says, "Alright, alright, we do have ONE girl, but you don't want her..."

Well the customer insists that he does, so the guy sends him up saying, "Don't say I didn't warn you."

So the hard-up guy gets up to the room and this woman comes out, and she's no model by any means, but she's still pretty attractive, so the guy is thinking that he's got no idea what the desk man was talking about, and a few minutes later they're going at it. Well the guy notices that something just doesn't feel quite right so he stops the whore and tells her, and she says she'll be right back and goes off into the bathroom.

A few minutes later she comes back out and they start doing the horizontal mambo again, and this time it's amazing, best the guy has ever had. So when they finish up he looks at her and he says, "Wow, that was great! What did you do in there?"

The hooker just shrugs and says, "Picked the scabs and let the pus flow."

---
...And this is why people don't let me tell jokes.

[Demetrius]

Why don't the elderly practice cunnilingus? ... Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

krylo, you disturb me, please never do that to my poor mind ever, ever again.

[Satan's Onion]

It's "theirs", krylo--"cases like theirs". **brief pause to savor the pre-banning triumph**

And oh, what good memories this brings back. I used to have such a large stable of inappropriate/offensive/filthy jokes--it was truly impressive, even tho' I say so myself. I'd learned them all at church camp. (Seriously. I got something like half of 'em from my counselor, who was a preacher's daughter.) Now I've only got one or two. It's sad, really. So excuse me while I go and steal all a few of these...

Oh, you'd like to read my only filthy joke? **shrug** Whatevs, but it's fairly ubiquitous. It starts with a penguin, who has managed to coax his ailing car into an isolated truck stop. After asking the mechanic to take a look at the old wreck, he deicdes he might as well go into the diner and see if'n he can't get something to eat. After a look at the menu, he sees--joy of joys!--vanilla ice cream. It's his favorite. He orders a large bowl of it and promptly makes a pig of himself, leaving a horrible mess all ove himself and the booth he was sitting in as he leaves to check up on his car. "So, what's wrong with it?" asks the penguin as he approaches the grubby mechanic.

"Well," replies the technician, "looks to me like you blew a seal."

The penguin looks at himself, then shakes his head. "No, it's just ice cream."

Get it? GET IT? BWAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA oh, I slay me.

[Krylo]

It's "theirs", krylo--"cases like theirs". **brief pause to savor the pre-banning triumph**You're crazy. There's no mistakes there.

Why are you so crazy, crazy face?

And oh, what good memories this brings back. I used to have such a large stable of inappropriate/offensive/filthy jokes--it was truly impressive, even tho' I say so myself. I'd learned them all at church camp. (Seriously. I got something like half of 'em from my counselor, who was a preacher's daughter.) Now I've only got one or two. It's sad, really. So excuse me while I go and steal all a few of these...A few of my favorites require hand motions etc. and I can't really do them here, unfortunately...

[handofpwn]

This girl asks her boyfriend to meet her parents, and the boy agrees, the girlfriend being so happy decides to take their relationship to the next level. The boy goes into a drugstore to get ready for the night, the boy doesnt know much about condoms, so he asks the pharmacist. the pharmacist informs him about them and the boy ends up buying the biggest pack. so he gos to the girlfriends house and they start dinner, the father asks the boyfriend to say grace and the boy leans his head and does that for the longest time. the girlfriend says, i never knew you were so religious, the boy says, i never knew your father was a pharmacist.

[I_Like_Swordchucks]

There was a guy reading a newspaper about a gorilla who escaped from the zoo. The next morning he wakes up, and the gorilla is sitting in the branches of the tree in his backyard. So, he calls the zoo and they say they'll send a guy right over.

So a van pulls up shortly, and the zookeeper gets out. Reaching into the back of his van he pulls out a gun, a stick, handcuffs, and a chihuahua. He turns back to the homeowner and says he's going to need some help. So the homeowner agrees, so the zookeeper hands him the gun.

"I'm going to climb up that tree and poke the gorilla with the stick. He's going to fall out of the tree, and this trained chihuahua is going to jump up and bite as hard as he can in the balls. The gorilla is going to cover himself in pain, then you can slap on the handcuffs and I can take him away."

The homeowner nodded. "So whats the gun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the chihuahua."

[42PETUNIAS]

Want to hear a dirty joke?

Jimmy fell in a mud puddle.

Want to hear a claen joke?

Jimmy had a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles is the girl next door.

[greed]

Three couples all go to have their honeymoon at this small hotel. Being from a conservative town all three have waited until marriage and consequently bolted to their rooms as soon as they checked in. Shortly afterwards however one of the men comes back out and sits on the front porche with a frustrated look on his face, soon another one of the men comes out and sits down next to him. The first asks him why he isn't up there with his wife, the second replies that when his wife got undressed in front of him, he blurted out something about her weight that she didn't like. The first with a mournful chuckle said he had made a similar comment about his wife being bonier than he thought.
A few minutes later there is a commotion above them, a sound of glass breaking, a thump, and the third falls off the verandah and lands on the ground in front of them. The first two men pick him up, dust him off and get him a beer. He sits down next to them on the porche with a somewhat shellshocked look on his face. The other two men in somewhat of a good humour because of the beer, now ask him in unison "Did you put your foot in it too?"

The third slowly turns to them and says "No, but I could have."

[Azisien]

What does a nervous cow make?

Milkshakes!

What does an atomic cow do?

Muon!

How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes at least four million years.

Two hydrogens floating in the void. One turns to the other and says "Dude, I think I just lost an election!" The other one queries, "Are you sure?" The first exclaims, "I'm POSITIVE!" The second hydrogen sighs, "For a second there, I thought you were getting all negative on me again."

Two molecules floating in the void. One says to the other "I'll give you one proton for two of your electrons." The other agrees, and they make the trade, but the first molecule also gives the second two neutrons. The second asks "How much do I owe you for those?" The first chuckles, "Don't worry, they're free of charge."

What's a tachyon?
It's a gluon that hasn't dried yet.

Researchers in Antarctica yesterday announced they discovered a new superconductor that operates at room temperature.

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission chips.

Two detectives are surveying a bloody murder scene. The first turns to the other and says "What happened here?" The second replies "It looks like one of the scientists murdered Dr. Grey using those canisters of nickel, potassium, and iron." The first looks at the canisters and then examines the bloodied corpse with a confused look on his face. "These don't look like blunt blows..."

"No, we're pretty sure the murderer stabbed him repeatedly with the KNiFe.

[Skyshot]

So a few months ago I was thinking about the possible health risks of defecating on a public toilet, and wondering if it was any more dangerous than doing so on your own toilet at home. I finally concluded it was possible most people are more comfortable with home toilets primarily because while one has an idea how often the home toilet is cleaned, the odds of sanitation on a public toilet are a crapshoot.

Totally accidental, too.

[42PETUNIAS]

What does a nervous cow make?

Milkshakes!

What does an atomic cow do?

Muon!

How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes at least four million years.

Two hydrogens floating in the void. One turns to the other and says "Dude, I think I just lost an election!" The other one queries, "Are you sure?" The first exclaims, "I'm POSITIVE!" The second hydrogen sighs, "For a second there, I thought you were getting all negative on me again."

Two molecules floating in the void. One says to the other "I'll give you one proton for two of your electrons." The other agrees, and they make the trade, but the first molecule also gives the second two neutrons. The second asks "How much do I owe you for those?" The first chuckles, "Don't worry, they're free of charge."

What's a tachyon?
It's a gluon that hasn't dried yet.

Researchers in Antarctica yesterday announced they discovered a new superconductor that operates at room temperature.

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission chips.

Two detectives are surveying a bloody murder scene. The first turns to the other and says "What happened here?" The second replies "It looks like one of the scientists murdered Dr. Grey using those canisters of nickel, potassium, and iron." The first looks at the canisters and then examines the bloodied corpse with a confused look on his face. "These don't look like blunt blows..."

"No, we're pretty sure the murderer stabbed him repeatedly with the KNiFe.

is it just me, or is it sad that i'm 15, and still understood all of those?

[Azisien]

is it just me, or is it sad that i'm 15, and still understood all of those?

Or is it sad that I know those?

[Preturbed]

"No, we're pretty sure the murderer stabbed him repeatedly with the KNiFe.

Whats really sad is that it took me nearly 5 minutes to realize that you weren't capitalizing Knife like a 12 year old, and then I got the joke.

[Skyshot]

It's even sadder that I tried to figure out a way to tell someone that joke out loud.

Oh, and a personal favorite I picked up from Bob and George:

So Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding. The cop asks him,

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

And Heisenberg says,

"Yes, but I have no idea where I am!"

[42PETUNIAS]

man- its even sadder that i get that one

[Bells]

Its sad that a happy thread like this makes people so sad...

*drums*

[Preturbed]

It's even sadder that I tried to figure out a way to tell someone that joke out loud.

I tried it too.

[POS Industries]

So this guy dies and, because he touched himself inappropriately one night when he was nine, he goes to Hell. Upon his arrival, the man appears before the Devil himself.

"Hey there, buddy," Satan greets the newly damned, "Welcome to Hell. Let me break down how things run around here: There's a lot of ways to suffer throughout eternity, and it would take way too long for me to have to assign each and every person a method befitting their crimes. It is for this reason that I'm going to give you a quick tour around the place and let you pick your pain. Come along, now..."

And so the two walked around the pits of Hell for a while, and oh, the horrible things the man witnessed. People being burned, flayed, frozen, stabbed, swarmed by flesh-eating insects, being forced to read a whole internet thread filled with blonde jokes, reliving their most painful memories, so forth and so on. Finally, the man and devil came to a room filled entirely with shit, where people were just standing around, drinking coffee and chatting with one another.

"Well, this doesn't seem nearly so bad," the man said, "I think I'll take this one."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever... I gotta go, Grey's Anatomy is on in a couple minutes," Satan grumbled as he left the man to his fate.

So the man wades into the fecal pool, gets himself a cup of coffee, and introduces himself to his new roommates. Just then, a large demon enters the room and yells, "All right, break's over.... Back on your heads!"

[Melfice]

Dirty joke.

Three friends, who are also married, decide to go skiing for the winter. Ofcourse they bring their wifes, and they all get seperate rooms.
All day was a day of competitions, and as they are sitting in the bar one of the friends, Bob, thinks up another bet.
After the wifes all retreated to their rooms he turned to Frank and Bill.

"Hey, guys, let's bet on who has the most sex this evening."
Bill replies: "Sure, I'm in."
"But how are we going to compare? Our wifes will be with us the entire day tomorrow." Frank says.
Bill comes up with something ingenious: "Tomorrow at breakfast, for everytime you use the word 'morning' you've had sex one time."

So they decide to do so.

Next morning, at breakfast when everybody is at the table, Bob greets them with a sad face: "Good morning."
Bill, with a smug face: "Good morning, this morning!"
Frank is looking quite absently into the void. His wife nudges him in the side. "Aren't you going to greet them also?"

Bill snaps out of it and starts: "Good morning, this morning. Such a lovely morning it is. Truely, I've never seen such a grand morning. Why, if anybody..." etc. etc. (Keep adding in 'mornings' as long as you can when telling this joke)

[Preturbed]

Similar to POS's joke.

So this guy dies and, because he touched himself in an inappropriate way repeatedly throughout his life, he goes to Hell. Upon his arrival, the man appears before the Devil himself.

"Hey there, buddy," Satan greets the newly damned, "Welcome to Hell. Let me break down how things run around here: There's a lot of ways to suffer throughout eternity, and it would take way too long for me to have to assign each and every person a method befitting their crimes. It is for this reason that I'm going to give you a quick tour around the place and let you pick your pain. Come along, now..."

And so the two walked around the pits of Hell for a while, and oh, the horrible things the man witnessed. People being burned, flayed, frozen, stabbed, swarmed by flesh-eating insects, being forced to read a whole internet thread filled with blonde jokes, reliving their most painful memories, so forth and so on. Finally, the man and devil came to a room with just two people in it: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

Monica is engaged in the act for which she became famous, fellating the ex-president.

"Well, this doesn't seem bad at all," the man said. After all, Who would mind getting blown for eternity?
"Mr. Satan, I'll take this room if you don't mind."

"Ok, why not," The devil says with a grin. "...Monica, you're free to go."

[POS Industries]

I think it's a little more than similar. As for Clinton... Yeah, I'd hit that.

[Fifthfiend]

If anyone could talk his way into an eternal 'punishment' of getting his spade polished until the end of time - it'd be ol' Bill.

[Preturbed]

Sorry POS, yours reminded me of it and since I'm actually writing a 5 page report on gender in The Last of the Mohicans (the 1992 movie) I figured you wouldn't mind if I stole the body of your joke.

[I_Like_Swordchucks]

How about lawyer jokes? :D


1. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s a slimy, bottom feeding, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

2. How do you a know when a lawyer is lying? His mouth is moving.

3. This kindly old priest dies and goes to heaven, and is greeted by Saint Peter. He’s shown around heaven, given his mansion (which was fairly nice) and left to enjoy eternity. He was pretty happy since it seemed to be a pretty good deal. The, one day he sees this guy with a massive golden mansion, a limousine, servants waiting on him hand and foot, and he thinks this must be Jesus or somebody really amazing. So he asks Saint Peter who it is, and Peter goes “oh its just some lawyer.” This bothered the priest somewhat “How come I, who have served God all my life, don’t have nearly as big a reward as a lawyer?” Peter looks at him, “Well we get all kinds of priests in here. He’s our only lawyer.”

4. Satan got tired of having hell be all ugly and dirty, so he decides to do some renovating in order to make it a more appealing option to people. He gets some pearly gates, some golden streets, cleans it up nicely with a few mansions. God hears about this, and comes down to check out it and is shocked when he finds out Satan has hell looking like heaven. “You can’t do this,” God exclaimed. “Heaven is copyrighted... I can sue!” Satan looks and God and laughs “where are you going to get any lawyers?”

--------------------------------------------------------

And for a non lawyer joke:

These three guys show up at heaven’s gates after dying. St Peter looks at them and asks them how each of them died.

The first guy goes: “Picture this. I come home early from work one day, and I find my wife in bed naked with a man’s clothes on the floor. I go into a rage and fly through the house trying to find the guy, and then I spot fingers hanging off the edge of our sixth story apartment balcony. I grab a baseball bat and then go smashing his fingers until he lets go and falls to the ground below. He is still moving though, so I grab our freezer and throw it over the side so it lands on him. However, lifting that freezer in my state gave me a heart attack so I died.

The second guy goes: “Picture this. I was washing windows on the 8th floor of this apartment building when the scaffolding gives way. I fall, but managed to grab on to a balcony of an apartment below me. Then this maniac of a guy comes out and smashes my fingers with a bat, so I fall the rest of the way. I survive, somehow, but then he drops a freezer on me which crushes and kills me.

The third guy goes: “Picture this, I’m naked and in a freezer.”

[Mondt]

How about lawyer jokes? :DThat was a bad idea. This might take more than one post. Actually, it WILL take more than one post. XD I'd make this (these) an attachment, but for some reason those never work for me. So....

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she's a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don't eat vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.


----OK now that were done with the Q and As, lets get on with the story jokes.
----These are pretty funny.

-The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

-A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[Mondt]

More lawyer jokes:

----A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

---- -A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

-----A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."

-----The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

--Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."

-----A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

----A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

----"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

----NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn?t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer?s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I?ll give you $1 million, I?ll keep $1 million, and we?ll send the engineer to Mars."

----A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

----A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

----A young attorney who had taken over his father?s practice rushed home elated one night.

"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"

----An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

----At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
_____________________

That was 10 pages of jokes. I have 6 more. XD I won't post anymore, though...

[Pure Liquid Awesome]

Offensive to people who don't have a sense of humor (and trust me, you don't know who you are. Also, bonus points if you know the movie.)

So these three guys are walking on the beach... a white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican. They find a pot, rub it, poof, genie pops out, and says he'll give each of them three wishes.

The Mexican says that he wishes that all of his Mexican brothers and sisters would be happy, and free, and in Mexico, so poof! all the Mexicans are in Mexico, and happy, and shit.

The black guy says he wishes that all of his African brothers and sisters would be happy, and free, and in Africa, so poof! all the Africans are in Africa, and happy, and shit.

The white guy says, "All the Mexicans are in Mexico, and all the Africans are in Africa?"

The genie nods.

The white guy says, "Well, I'll have a Coke."

[One of Pwnage]

Oh my gosh! I got a great one!! Listen:
only post if you have.......A JOKE!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! No more" blonde jokes are overrated" crap. Ya' got something funny, put 'er here!

49 blonds and a guy are hanging by a rope off the edge of a cliff. It's so crowded, that if some people don't let go, the cliff will break, and they will all die. They decide to have a speech contest. First, the guy goes. When he finishes, all the blonds clap.

[POS Industries]

Listen:
only post if you have.......A JOKE!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! No more" blonde jokes are overrated" crap. Ya' got something funny, put 'er here!

It's adorable how he thinks he's the boss of me.

[Pure Liquid Awesome]

Well... that was almost a sentence! He's right, that WAS funny!

[Pure Liquid Awesome]

How much time do you spend on the computer?

About 16 hours... I have a computer-related job.

EDIT: Sorry, had to change that after he deleted his own post.

[One of Pwnage]

what do you call a blond who dies her hair brown?
artifical intelligence

a blond and a brunet are trappedd between a tiger and a river. The only whay to escape is to swim across the river. The brunette gets half the way there, then drowns. The blond gets 3 quarters of the way there, then gets tired and turns around to go back.

Ablond gos into a store and asks to buy the tv in the display. The clerk says no, 'cause she's a blond. So she dyes her hair brunette, and goes back to ask for the tv. The clerk says," I dont sell to blonds." she asks, "how did you know it was me?" the clerk says, " Because thats a microwave"

sorry, my original post was pointed at Sk3l3ton for his 5-mile long lawer joke lists.

[42PETUNIAS]

About 16 hours... I have a computer-related job.

Wrong thread?

[Pure Liquid Awesome]

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour--ha ha ha ha ha--they'll take you away, man, and lock you up.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, As much as I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, it just isn't cold enough..."

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death.

There is an obesity epedemic. One out of every 3 Americans...weighs as much as the other 2.

[Red Fighter 1073]

OK, this one is a little bit racist, but here it goes:

Q: Where does a black guy get his water from?
A: Nicaragua

[42PETUNIAS]

lets keep racist jokes out - i have a lot of really bad ones, and i dont want to be tempted to use them.

[Preturbed]

The white guy says, "Well, I'll have a Coke."
Boondock Saints

==

Mike and Sue were a great couple and happily engaged. Unfortunately, on their way to the wedding, they get into a head-on collision with a Mac truck. Both die on impact, and they soon find themselves in heaven.

Mike and Sue can't help but feel a little jipped, so one day Mike goes up to the Angel Gabriel and asks, "Gabe, Sue and I were about to get married, but on our wedding day you called us both home. Do you think that maybe we can get married up here in Heaven?"

Gabriel replies, "I'll see what I can do."

Several weeks pass, and the couple begins to grow anxious. Exactly one month after Mike's request, the Angel Gabriel returns to them with a priest. Needless to say, Mike and Sue get married that very day.

For many years, they are the happiest couple in heaven. However, all good things must come to an end and, sure enough, they find their marriage in a state of disrepair.

Once again, Mike approaches the Angel Gabriel and asks, "Gabe, I'm not happy in my marriage anymore. Do you think that maybe we can get divorced, up here in Heaven?"

Gabriel replies, "I'll see what I can do."

Several weeks pass, and the couple once again begins to grow anxious. Weeks turn to months, and as is likely to happen most times, months turned into years.

A frustrated Mike approaches the Angel Gabriel once again. "Gabe," he says, "If you recall, several years ago I asked if you could find a way for me to get a divorce. I haven't heard back from you, and my wife and I are still on the outs. What gives?"

The Angel Gabriel smiled, and replied, "Mike, it took me four damn weeks to find a priest up here. How long do you think its gonna take to find a lawyer?"

[One of Pwnage]

Yeah, less racist jokes, and I stand by my earlier comment.
I am absolutely amazed at how fast this thread grew to 6 pages. 1 day! Keep it up, what with the jokes, humor, and funny stuff. This is like me getting ninja'd by about 50 posts, that's why my funny came this late, 'cause the computer crashed in the most unwelcome way yesterday. I still got some previousely planned blond, jokes. Sorry.

A blond, brunette and a redhead are at school. The Brunette gets a tuna sandwich, and says
" I am so SICK of tuna!!"
Blond gets a P,B&J,
" I hate peanut Butter AND jelly!"
The redhead gets a Ham sandwich, and says likewise.
The next day, the same thing happens, but they each vow to kill themselves if they get these sandwiches again.
The next day, they get their sandwiches again and kill themselves.
The police go to the mothers. The brunettes mother says that she didn't know her daughter hated tuna, and the redheads mother didn't know either. When they ask the blonds mother, she says' " My daughter makes her own lunch."

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Are Newfie Jokes taboo?

[One of Pwnage]

And Chuck Norris jokes, huh? I wont post 'em, but my friends and I have combined Chuck Norris with dead babies, and had hilarious results.

[I_Like_Swordchucks]

Are Newfie Jokes taboo?

Well since there are Newfies on this forum (such as moi), you might want to consider one of my personal favorites:

Q. What is black, blue, and floats face down in a harbor?:

A. Mainlanders that tell Newfie jokes.


Remember, there's over 3 million of us, and there's probably one living near you. Who is related to me. Twice. Due to inbreeding. So, be careful. :shifty:

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Well since there are Newfies on this forum (such as moi), you might want to consider one of my personal favorites:

Q. What is black, blue, and floats face down in a harbor?:

A. Mainlanders that tell Newfie jokes.


Remember, there's over 3 million of us, and there's probably one living near you. Who is related to me. Twice. Due to inbreeding. So, be careful. :shifty:

And they are all headed out west for work =P

A Liberal from Ontario, a Conservative from Alberta and a fishman from Newfoundland find a bottle. The Newfie rubs the bottle and -poof- out pops a Genie.

"I shall each grant you one Wish as reward for freeing me," the genie boomed.

So the three guys were excited and the newfie wishes fiorst. "Well, my father was a fisherman,my grandfather was a fisherman, and by god my son will be a fisherman. I wish for the ocean to never run out of fish." There is flash of light and the genie booms

"It is done,"

The Conservative thinks about this and thinks of his wish. "Hey genie. I wish for a giant wall to surround Alberta so that no one can get in or out and to keep our money with us and away from the greedy Liberals." There is a flash and the Genie booms

"It is done,"

The Liberal think about and asks the genie. "Can you describe this wall for me?"

"The wall is 200 feet high, 5 feet thick and surrounds the entire Province of Alberta."

The Liberal nods. "I wish for you to fill it with water,"

[Sir Pinkleton]

I got a good one:

A redneck couple in kentucky is finding trouble with birth control, seeing as how they have 12 kids. they go to a docter and he tells them:

"The husband has to put a firecracker in a can, hold it up to his ear and count to ten."

Seeing no alternative, the father puts a firecracker-can beside his ear and uses his hand to count to ten. After reaching five, the man pauses, then puts the can between his legs and continues counting.

Did you get it? Hahaha funny, yes?

[P-Sleazy]

ok, theres a blonde, a brunett and a red head all running away from the police. Their car runs out of gas just outside an old farmhouse and they decide to run in. The police catch up to their car and see the farmhouse so they head towards it. Seeing the police, the three jump into differnt sacks. The brunnet into a sack of chickens. The red head into a sack of pigs. The blonde jumps into the ONLY logical sack, a sack filled with potatoes. Each of the three sacks is labeled respectively. The police come in and kick the sack of chickens first. The brunnet begins to cluck like a chicken. The police go on to the sack of pigs and kick it. The red head starts to Oink. The police come to the sack of potatoes and kick it. The blonde yells out "POTATOES!"

[xravi]

So a blonde burnet and a red head were on a beach and foud a genie lamp and the genie let them have three wishes

so the red head wishes first:
"I'm homesick and I wish I was home."

Then the burnet after hearing what the red head says:
"I feel homesick too, I wish I was home."

then the blonde felt lonely and said:
"I wish my friends were back with me."

[Demetrius]

Ok so this witch catches three guys, a pollock, a jew and a black guy. She tortures them, molests them and does all sorts of nasty/evil/inappropriate things to them until finally she tells them she'll let them go... after she does one last thing *cackle* *cackel*

So she takes the guys and hangs them by their wrists from her rafters and strips them down naked. She goes up to the pollock grabs his balls and they malt, the guys passes out and she cuts him down. She goes up to the jew and performs the same vile magic. Finally she goes up to the black guy and snags his nuts... nothing happens. She tries again... still nothing, the black dude laughs at her and says "You're doing it all wrong Witch, they melt in you mouth not in your hands!"

[One of Pwnage]

If the richest member in your family buys a new house, and you have to go help take the wheels off, you might be a redneck.
If your wifes hair gets mutilated by the cieling fan...
If you think hitting a dear at 85 mph is fast food...
If you've seen "nudes on ice" more than 3 times...
You might be a REDNECK!!

[Fifthfiend]

lets keep racist jokes out - i have a lot of really bad ones, and i dont want to be tempted to use them.

Yes, please.

I mean, show a little judgment, guys. There's lines and then there's lines.

OK, this one is a little bit racist, but here it goes:

Q: Where does a black guy get his water from?
A: Nicaragua

Like that, see. That's one of those lines.

And Chuck Norris jokes, huh? I wont post 'em, but my friends and I have combined Chuck Norris with dead babies, and had hilarious results.

-Knock Knock

-Who's there?

-Chuck Norris

-Chuck Norris who?

-The first person to make a fuckin' Chuck Norris joke is getting banned for a month

HAW HAW HAW

Oh my gosh! I got a great one!! Listen:
only post if you have.......A JOKE!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! No more" blonde jokes are overrated" crap. Ya' got something funny, put 'er here!

Much that I'm sure it will pain him to hear it, but I agree with POS.

It ain't like someone's gonna dock your forum-browsing pay every time someone has a joke they wanna comment on.

[One of Pwnage]

1, I said I'm not gonna post them, any of any of them.
Ok, fine. Ahem.
I got a great one!! Only post if you have....A JOKE!!!!! haha. You can criticize, just put a joke in your reply also.

funny to watch your friends when you do it, not funny by itself:
K-nock, k-nock.
who's there?
NONE OF YOUR FRICKEN' BEESWAX!!!!
bu-
SHUT IT!!! YOU STARTED THIS STUPID JOKE!!!!JUST GO AWAY!!!!
bu-
NOW!!

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

The first person to make a fuckin' Chuck Norris joke is getting banned for a month

And to ensure they stay off the forum, I present no I mean seriously, I don't want that anywhere near this forum (http://how about no/).

Similarly, 779 blonde jokes. (http://www.blonde-jokes.aarons-jokes.com/)

There, all your No, none of that/blonde jokes in one place.

As for a joke, the best one I've got is The Story of the Voodoo Dildo, but i think that might be a bit inapropriate for here, plus there's that whole "no porn" rule, which this joke somewhat breaks.

EDIT: The above link has been "FUCKING BANNED!", by Fifthfiend. Sorry.

[Flarecobra]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to
his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He
pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your
ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."



A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone
rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground rod with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning



And, of course, a Marine one.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of
the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the
ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The
lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went
by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got
down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his
chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the
platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his
seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned
and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually
came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell
is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like
an asshole. ..............So, He sent me."

[Fifthfiend]

No I mean, I really wasn't kidding Hawk.

Seriously let's just not have that name mentioned again, by anyone, in any context, at all.

Especially not with links.

[Red Fighter 1073]

lets keep racist jokes out - i have a lot of really bad ones, and i dont want to be tempted to use them.Yes, please.

I mean, show a little judgment, guys. There's lines and then there's lines.

OK then, sorry about that. I will delete it if you want me to. Here are a few better ones.


During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The husband replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

-----------
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

-----------
This one's from VG Cats, but I thought it was funny enough that I wanted to put it here.

Xbox: I thought you were backwards compatible.
Xbox 360: I was.. Then, I turned around.

BA-DUM-DUM-PISH

-----------
Q:There's a Jew, an African, and a White guy who are on top of a 200 foot building. If they were each paid $50 to jump off, which one would hit the ground first?





A: None of them because none of them are stupid enough to jump off a 200 foot building for $50..

[One of Pwnage]

Thats like an anti-racism post. Good Job.
This is a true story:
There was an extremely rich guy, who didn't give any of his wealth to his community. So some representatives come to ask if he will give back to the economy. The rich guy says something to the effect of, "Did you know that my wife has cancer, my cousin needs a kidney transplant, my brother is dying of a blood disorder, my aunt and uncle are living on the street, and my son has malaria?" The other guy says "Im sorry, I didnt know about all that." The rich guy says, "If I won't give any money to them, what makes you think I'll give some to you?"

[Flarecobra]

A man goes to heaven, and notices that there are clocks EVERYWHERE! So, the man walks up to God, and asks him why.
"Well," said God,"The speed of the clocks represent how many lies people have told in their lives. Like, look at Abraham Lincoln's."
The man looked at Lincoln's, and it appeared to not be moving at all.
The man turned back to God and said, "Where's George W. Bushs' clock?"
God looked at the man and replied, "Oh, Jesus is using it in his office as a ceiling fan."

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Well, did you here the one about the doctor who was hard up for money. So in his spare time, he decided to circumsize Elephants. Now the money wasn;t great, but the tips were huge.

[One of Pwnage]

Fifth, please jokify your last post.
I've been waiting for someone to put the clock joke, 'cause I didn't know how to say it.
I'm runnin out of good material
A three legged orphan dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw."

p.s. I'ma gonna ask- is it illegal to request a sticky status for this thread?=x
We've hit the 80th. yay.

[Gascmark de Leone]

So Einstein climbed Mt. Sinia to be close with God. He asks God, "Oh Lord, how much is a million dollars to you?"
God says, "A penny."
"How long are a million years to you?"
"A minute."
"Can I have a penny?"
"In a minute."

So a smart blonde, a brunnette, and the Easter Bunny jump off a building. Which one hits first?
The brunnette... the other two don't exist.

So at a bar, this guy tells another guy that if he drinks enough beer, he can walk out a thirty-story window and not die. To prove it, the guy walks out of a thirty-story window, and, surprise, surprise, doesn't die. The other guy goes back to the bar, drinks a lot of beer, and then walks out of the thirty story window. And dies. The barman then says to the other guy, "Your an ass-hole when your drunk, Superman."

So a preist, an imam, a nun, and the pope walk into a bar. The barman says, "Hey! Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?"

[Red Fighter 1073]

FYI, I was eating one of the Hungry Man dinners when I thought of this one..

Q:Why do they call them "Hungry Man TV Dinners"?
A: Because you're still hungry after you eat them..
-----------
There was a guy walking in the park with his very young, beautiful wife who had a lot of makeup on, and his kid. After a while, he decides to leave to go to the bathroom and leaves his family behind. When he comes out, its start pouring rain like crazy and its suddenly really foggy. So, he can't seem to find his family. Then, he sees a woman and a kid sitting on a bench and goes to them to see if they saw his family.

"Old Woman, have you seen my beautiful wife and kid?" the man asks.

Suddenly, the woman slaps him hard across his face.

"Stupid! I AM your wife!"

[Mirai Gen]

There is only one woman that I know of that takes off her clothes if you beat it really fast, and that's Samus Aran.

Made that up myself.

[Major Blood]

There is only one woman that I know of that takes off her clothes if you beat it really fast, and that's Samus Aran.

Made that up myself.

That is probably the geekiest, or greatest joke ever told.

Or both.

I can't really tell right now.

[Gascmark de Leone]

Here's some ways to start a conversation. Say them whenever you feel that things are dragging.

"...so then I realized the horse was dead, so I pulled up my pants. Boy was my face red!"

"So, I was balls deep in the guy, and then he tries to kiss me, and I'm like, 'Woah, man, I'm not gay."

[Muffin Mage]

Alright, so there's a bachelor party going on in this bar, and the groom to be is making a real ass of himself, and the bartender is starting to get annoyed. His friend Arthur walks in, and the bartender calls out, "Hey, Arthur, if you strangle that guy over there, I'll give you a dollar."

So Arthur walks over and strangles the groom. As he's walking back to the bar to get his dollar, someone sitting at a table says, "You just killed that guy. You can't do that." So Arthur strangles him, too, and that's about the time the police car arrived.

The bartender got the paper the next day. The headline? "Arty chokes two for a dollar."

[Specterbane]

Oww, Muffin, that hurts. But not as bad as this.
What do Termites eat for breakfast? Oakmeal!

[Satan's Onion]

Oh, so we're doing bad jokes now? I'm in.

What do hillbillies do for Halloween?

Pumpkin.

I am so sorry.

(But really, if it is inappropriate I'll replace it.)

[Red Fighter 1073]

I know exactly why people in America call that anime, "One Piece". Because 4Kids can't help but not leave it in one piece after screwing it up!