Dear New York

[Seil]

Dear New York,

I have enjoyed my time in your fair city - I got to see David Letterman tape a show, a few Broadway plays (Wicked, Spamalot and Spring Awakening) enjoy one of your cinemas and a comedy club, as well as just mill about and shop. I also tried out my muppet voice!

I have noticed however, that you're completely insane. Like... completely batshit. I will proclaim my reasoning now:

Do your cyclists not wear helmets? I saw one guy wearing a helmet on the last day I was there, and at least three guys biking down the middle of the road on average every day.

What is up with your cab drivers? There's at least twenty cabs in sight every where you look, and they're all driven by very opinionated cabbies. I don't want to hear all about your religious experiences, I just wanna get back to my hotel!

Street people: If I walk past you, I don't want your merchandise/flyer - I just wanna get outta there. You do not have to stand in front of me and hand me stuff. If I walk by, don't call out after me and yell "WANNA BUY A --?"

Jesus Christ you people walk slow. The city that never sleeps, the fastest moving city in the world, million dollar deals made every day and holy crap you guys are trudging down the street like you're zombies.

You guys have really big, really nice cathedrals. Right next to McDonalds and across the street from Wal Mart.

Neon Lights. What is with you people and giant glowy things? Just walking down the street you get bombarded with advertising - and not just from the one story tall signs; the televisions on/in cabs. Yes, they have a TV in, and sometimes on top of cabs.

I was down at the Gotham Comedy Club a few nights ago. I also got a slice of pizza at the Gotham pizza place on my second day. I had no idea Gotham was so small. So there is roughly enough room for Batman, Daredevil and all those other New York superheroes.

Holy crap there's a lot of people. It's just like "Hey, we wanna put fifty million people in a city. How do we do that?" "Well Jim, let's jut make the houses fifty stories tall!" It's not like I'm saying New York is crowded and has tall buildings but damn you guys are crowded and have tall buildings.

Where the hell is your sky?

The Ground Zero site, as well as the chapel close by is a really humbling place.

Oh, also: Airports suck.

[Kaneda]

That's odd, I've never gotten an opinionated cabbie, nor have I encountered a Wall-Mart, or found slow walking to be an issue outside of rush-hour.

I like our video ads, it's bringing us one step closer to a hellish dystopia as depicted by numerous film-makers and authors, and I say that's a step forward.

I'm surprised though that you didn't mention the actual "end is nigh" ranting crazy people though. We do have a lot of them.

[The Wizard Who Did It]

All I gotta say is, as someone who's visited NYC a few times, this is why NYC is awesome. =D

[Kepor]

Well, it's good to visit, but...

Also, give it some credit. NYC is only about number thirteen by population. Or number two, if you look at the urban area definition. So, maybe it's kinda crowded, yeah, but it's not the most crowded.

Not that I want to give NYC too much credit. But still.

[Archbio]

Jesus Christ you people walk slow.

Oh, yes. What you really want is for a city the density of New York to start running.

[Melfice]

Oh, yes. What you really want is for a city the density of New York to start running.

Especially if you consider a part of New York (Manhattan, I think?) is built on nothing but garbage and loose soil.
Or so I think I heard somewhere.


EDIT: Also, Daredevil never wandered around Gotham City. At least, not in his own comic, far as I know.

[POS Industries]

Do your cyclists not wear helmets?
That's less a New Yorker thing and more an American thing. Helmets are dorky so we don't wear them. This applies to any vehicle powered through the courtesy of our two feet, in fact.

[Melfice]

Not so much an American thing either.
Many countries in Europe don't, and only a few mandate it for children under... 12, I believe.