Jokes, bad and otherwise.

[TDK]

A girl asked what my sign was the other day. I told her 'Stop.'

My friend kept making jokes about trees. I told him he needed to branch out with his humor.

To be frank...Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name. So I think I'll just stay Pete.


And two from my personal favorite comedians:


Escalators can't break, they can only become stairs. So you'll never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only Escalator temporarily stairs. We apologize for the convenience, that you can still get up there. - Mitch Hedburg

I tripped on an escalator. ...I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. - Demetri Martin

[Premmy]

random girl: you suck
Me: no YOU don't and that's what's wrong with this relationship now!

your mother's such a ho that she had a vagina implanted into her hip to make a little money on the side.

[Kim]

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Where's my tractor?

[Pip Boy]

Whats the difference between good jokes and the ones this thread is probably about to be filled with?

There aren't dead babies in good jokes!

[Premmy]

What do you call a black man in a police car?

A BLACK POLICEMAN, you racist bastard!

[Bells]

we should totally have "Open Mic nights" here on NPF...

No, seriously, that wasn't a joke!

[Corel]

A guy driving hits a pedestrian at night. He gets out to check on them, only to find it's someone wearing a giant dog suit.

"Are you alright? How are you feeling?" asks the driver.

"Rough, rough" replies the man in the dog suit.

That's the only joke I remember besides the incredibly morbid or sickening ones. I wish I could remember good jokes and not the frightening ones.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

Two in one is a bullshit term. Because two cannot fit in one.

That's why Two was invented.

[Amake]

I've got a somewhat original sick and morbid one where the sickness and morbidity isn't actually the joke. But I think I'll spoiler it just for the faint of heart:

One night two young men strolled through the park and came upon the body of a small boy, without any apparent injuries. In a burst of sudden, weird inspiration (you had to be there) they decided to rape the corpse in the ass.

They did so, taking turns, marveling at the intense feeling of liberty in indulging in such a forbidden act. But then, as they walked away, they started worrying about being caught. They have DNA analysis and that stuff nowadays, said one of the guys.

So the other guy produced a plastic straw from his pocket and proceeded to suck the semen out of the dead boy's ass and swallow it. Struggling not to vomit, he handed the straw to his friend and said, you do the rest.

You're a Goddamn sick pervert, said the friend, if you think I'm going to use your straw.

Disclaimer: No germs, youngsters or little dead boys were harmed in the writing of this joke.

[Funka Genocide]

that is the worst fucking joke ever.

oh my god. I'm actually a little nauseous.

I think you might want to reevaluate your life. <_<

[TDK]

A rodeo clown came up to me and told me he'd stepped in some kind of poop.

I told him "That's bull shit."

[Funka Genocide]

so three high ranking military officers are sitting in an officer's club on base, arguing about who's soldiers/marines/sailors are the most courageous and best disciplined. An Army general, a Marine general and a Navy Admiral.

One of them decides just talking about it isn't enough, and so he challenges each of his compatriots to prove their claims. They agree to spend the next weekend touring each other's bases to do just that.

So the next weekend rolls around and their first stop is an Army base. The three are walking down the street as a young army private comes into view. The private immediately halts and comes to attention before presenting a crisp salute to his superiors.

"Private, I want you to break your own arm" the army general says. The private hesistates for a moment, but then proceeds to position himself in such a way that he can step on his own arm, shattering the bone.

As the young soldier falls to the floor in pain, the army general says "You see that's military discipline!"

the other two nod but seem unconvinced, so they leave for the Marine base.

They find a young corporal in their travels, who comes to attention and salutes much like the army private.

"Marine, I want you to shoot yourself in the arm." says the marine general.

"HOOAH!" replies the corporal, who without a second's hesitation draws his sidearm and fires a round into his own arm, he grunts a bit as blood loss causes him to pass out.

"Now THAT's courage!" the marine general says smugly.

The admiral just shakes his head and they head on to the navy base.

They go aboard a Navy ship and come across a petty officer doing some work on the ships mast. He's a good 60 feet from the deck of the ship and doesn't notice the three decorated officers beneath him until the admiral shouts.

"Good afternoon sailor"

"Good afternoon sir" the sailor replies, somewhat bewildered.

"Sailor I want you to jump down from there immediately"

the sailor makes a face and thinks, replying after several seconds, "Fuck you sir."

"Now that's courage" states the Admiral.

[Axoren]

Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

A: Dr. Dre

[Mesden]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks "do you want a drink?" Rene responds "I think not." Nothing happens, and the world realizes that Daniel Dennett was right all along.

[shiney]

What do you call a one legged woman?

Eileen.

Same woman, in China?

Irene.

[Axoren]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks "do you want a drink?" Rene responds "I think not." Nothing happens, and the world realizes that Daniel Dennett was right all along.

But if nothing happens, how did "the world realizes that Daniel Dennett was right all along."

Can you just brush that off as nothing?


What do you call thousands of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What do you call those same lawyers being isolated from society and starved to death?
The Holocaust D:<

[Mesden]

Nothing happens directly to Rene, Mr. Let's-ruin-a-good-joke.

I bet you don't even know who Daniel Dennett is. >:

[Doc ock rokc]

two guys walk into a bar...
The guy behind them ducks!

[Amake]

A baby seal walks into a club.
That's the whole joke.

Here (http://edge.i-hacked.com/so-theres-a-man-crawling-through-the-desert) is another slightly longer joke that you win prizes for reading. (I'm linking it because otherwise I'd have to post three times.)

[Marelo]

I hate Nate the snake. I first heard a version of it on a camping trip where we were hunting rattlesnakes.

It was 2 HOURS LONG.

[TDK]

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was impossible to talk to. She was a great listener, but I didn't know sign language.

This guy wouldn't believe I was a pacifist...so I punched him in the face.

My friend told me he was playing FF7 and some bald guy killed him. "That was rude." I replied.

A man apparently died from drinking too much vodka, but any evidence was suspiciously absinthe.

One time I rode on top of a camper going down the road. I was having fun, but then she said "Get off me."

[42PETUNIAS]

This thread needs more Steven Wright.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

[TDK]

"Do you think that maybe I'm crazy...On a scale of one to ten, six being the highest."

XD I love Steven Wright.

[Amake]

I hate Nate the snake. I first heard a version of it on a camping trip where we were hunting rattlesnakes.

It was 2 HOURS LONG.
You should have some special prizes then. It only takes 30-60 minutes to read. Hmm, what do you give people that's like a coupon for one Internet, but in real life?

[bluestarultor]

You should have some special prizes then. It only takes 30-60 minutes to read. Hmm, what do you give people that's like a coupon for one Internet, but in real life?

One of those free ISP trial CDs and a phone cord. XD

[Pip Boy]

I hate Nate the Snake. The last time I encountered that joke, I actually spent to much time reading it that part way through I forgot that I was reading a joke.

I cracked up like hell when I got to the punchline.

[Amake]

I should mention that I love unequivocally the story of Jack, Nate the Snake and the Lever that Ends the World. The pure effort it takes to get through the joke makes the payoff sweet. And there's an admirable function to the length, it's not just preposterously long because it can: It explains the unlikely world in which the joke is set and sets up the situation, making clear just what the lever means and what Nate means to Jack; and the amount of characterization makes you feel for the characters and sympathize with the choice Jack has to make. And then everything comes together to make the most ridiculously overwrought joke imaginable.

Speaking of elaborate jokes, I made this one based on my first impression when I heard of the game Dark Arms:
http://i618.photobucket.com/albums/tt262/Apicturemake/000063.jpg
There's two people in the world that I'm sure gets it, and of them is me, so let me know if there's any trouble. ^_^

[Premmy]

I actually loved the story, ending pissed me off for a bit because I too forgot it was supposed to be a joke about halfway through, so the ending threw me.

[Azisien]

What do atomic cows do? ............Muon!

[bluestarultor]

"If pizza is God, then cheese is Christ."

Read it out loud a few times. You'll get it. Courtesy of my friend, local king of bad puns. XD

[Hatake Kakashi]

Warning: Tasteless Jokes Ahead.

Q: What's more fun than swinging a baby around at 200 mph?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Q: How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
A: With a blender!

Q: How do you get them out again?
A: With tortilla chips!!!

Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the Frog's finger