How to deal with things that hurt to read

[Masaki-kun]

My ex girlfriend wanted me to read a fanfiction she wrote.
It was her first one.
I thought she wasn't allowed to call me pet names after dumping me, but here it went.
So I read it.
It was a massive crossover. Badly integrated.
It had original characters. Badly integrated.
It had stiff dialogue. Badly integrated.
And she spelled so many things wrong... like the title... the Title, for Christ's sake.
We have TECHNOLOGY.
It's as if you lived in America and you died of childbirth, and your harelipped child died of polio.
You have no excuse, we have technology, we have scientists who made it their life's work to stop that shit from happening.
We don't have to live in a world where people misspell SO MANY SIMPLE WORDS
And it's just so many things that annoy me in fanfiction when done right. Like making an upbeat character "dark". Or putting Sephiroth into anything that's not a battle from FFVII. Or... Father God, help me. I wanted to seppuku so hard. I don't want to tell her that, because it's wrong. But it hurt me so much to read that.

What can I do? I'm only 19, I can't drink the memories of that fanfiction away.

[Rejected Again]

I suggest killing the fanfic with fire, brain-bleach, and a good book to replace the memories of that crap. I also suggest you show her the joys of spell check.

[Kim]

Be as brutally honest as possible, even if you feel like a jerk for it. There are two possible results to this behavior.

1. She listens to what you say and actually works on the flaws you pointed out.

2. She gets really pissed and never shows you any of her fan-fiction again.

Both seem good to me.

[Kepor]

If you don't mind being a total asshole, you could get some good friends together and ridicule the hell out of it. Sure, it isn't constructive and might just break your ex's spirit completely, but if you this thing has mentally scarred you as badly as you've said, humor may be the only way to cope.

If you want to be a good person, do what NonCon said. (How 'bout that?) You can use some tact in how you present it, but telling it like it is will ultimately help her improve as a writer. Or stop writing altogether. So yeah.

[Masaki-kun]

I did the second. My best friend volunteered to flame her like a salamander in an oil well, but some part of me wanted to have mercy.

[Lady Cygnet]

Be as brutally honest as possible, even if you feel like a jerk for it. There are two possible results to this behavior.

1. She listens to what you say and actually works on the flaws you pointed out.

2. She gets really pissed and never shows you any of her fan-fiction again.

Both seem good to me.

This would be what we refer to as a win-win situation. :D

I get so angry at my 13- and 14-year-old nieces for not being able to spell or use proper grammar, as her mother, uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandfather, and I can all spell well and use proper grammar...but then I read the stuff my 30-something cousins and other assorted relatives post on facebook and myspace and wonder how it was that we were the only ones in our family who stayed awake and paid attention during English class. It's embarrassing, because I never thought it was that difficult a skill to master.

In fact, I'm embarrassed by how sloppy most people are on facebook. I can understand it on myspace, but facebook was originally engineered to help college students and alumni network and lead to better jobs, and it's kind of turned into myspace lite.

As for fanfiction, one would assume that if one loved a work enough to write fanfiction about it, one would want to make it as perfect and polished as possible, with absolutely immaculate spelling and grammar. After all, it's a labor of love, right?

[Meister]

But then again, remember Kirby2000 (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/912402/Porky2)?

[Kim]

I try not to.

[Kepor]

Why, Meister? Why?

[Meister]

To put things into perspective for Masaki, because whatever he read can't possibly be anywhere near as bad.

also, sadism.

[Mike McC]

To put things into perspective for Masaki, because whatever he read can't possibly be anywhere near as bad.What if he was reading Twilight?

[Marc v4.0]

To put things into perspective for Masaki, because whatever he read can't possibly be anywhere near as bad.

also, sadism.

No matter how bummed life gets me at time, I have comfort in the knowledge that this image...

http://img25.imageshack.us/img25/3460/pintfish.gif

...can make me laugh my fucking ass off at just the thought of it

[bluestarultor]

What if he was reading Twilight?

Twilight is eerily like a cult in that it starts off acceptable and gently piles on the bullshit once it's got you hooked. I watched my brother fall into it and have had to disown him because he's been likewise brainwashed and will actually defend the entire miserable pile of vomit and try to justify the crap that happens.

In short, Twilight is worse than anything else because not only is it shit, but it's insidious about it.

[Donomni]

I call it, at least grammar-wise, the Law of Scanlations:

The majority of fanfic authors do not use any actual school as a means of learning a language, but poorly done scans with shoddy presentation.

I mean, seriously, I wondered where it all came from, then lo and behold, I find the source.

[The Argent Lord]

I was in a similar situation a while ago, except the fanfic didn't actually have many misspellings, it was just a fanfic where Rorschach eventually falls in love with the puppy-cuddling animal rights activist main character after she invites him to get some coffee with her at Starbucks.

[Tev]

I was in a similar situation a while ago, except the fanfic didn't actually have many misspellings, it was just a fanfic where Rorschach eventually falls in love with the puppy-cuddling animal rights activist main character after she invites him to get some coffee with her at Starbucks.Wait, didn't that happen with Death in Family Guy? He killed her after listening to her prattle on stupidly for like five minutes.

[Pip Boy]

I think the best way to deal with this is to desensitize yourself to it by reading some things Kirby2000 wrote.

No, really, its that bad.

[Kepor]

Why, Megaman? For the love of God, why?

[Pip Boy]

Cthulu Fthagan (http://forum.nuklearpower.com/showthread.php?t=33920)

Because I plan on making this kid into the next Rickroll.

[Magic_Marker]

THOSE WOUNDS HADN'T EVEN SCARRED YET!

[Odjn]

Allow me to point out your mistakes for future reference.

My ex girlfriend wanted me

Now you know where you went wrong.

[Magic_Marker]

Thank you Odjn.

Now we have all learned a valuable lesson.

[Kepor]

So I kinda think Odjn should make a love and relationships thread. Where he gives out advice. On love and relationships.

I think it would be very informative.

[Rejected Again]

So I kinda think Odjn should make a love and relationships thread. Where he gives out advice. On love and relationships.

I think it would be very informative.

Aye, maybe he could tell me how to get my ex to stop calling me even after 6 months...

[Masaki-kun]

That Kirby2000 person? About on par with her. Stephanie Meyer? Actually more readable. I read Twilight because I felt guilty - I've defended things with the "You only know about it through hearsay and rumor" line, so I needed first hand evidence. I now use it as my baseline, anything worse needs to be burned at once. By fanfiction standards Twilight is passable, if someone I knew was like "Please read this for free, because you like me as a person" I'd read it. But I digress. My ex's writing was pretty much as bad as that Kirby2000 person. Not as bad as Half-life:Full life consequences, but not as fun to make fun of.
All in all, I can feel the blood leaking around around the gray matter was destroyed reading this.

[Kerensky287]

My ex's writing was pretty much as bad as that Kirby2000 person. Not as bad as Half-life:Full life consequences, but not as fun to make fun of.

You don't know what you're talking about, Full Life Consequences was a masterpiece of modern literature. "The birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky!"

But yes, I'd say honesty is key in this situation. Not blunt or brutal honesty, but there are problems that need to be fixed and it's your job to point them out. That's how constructive criticism works - assuming the author is okay with criticism, it should be win-win.

[Masaki-kun]

Bright side is, I'm completely over her now. Because I fancy myself a writer... I read stuff better than me every day, but I consider myself fairly adept for my age and training level. Now, I read extremely fast. It's a bit of an advantage, like having a really high bluff is to diplomacy. She doesn't read much at all. Which is like trying to cook when you're 89 pounds and 5'8.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

My ex's writing was pretty much as bad as that Kirby2000 person. Not as bad as Half-life:Full life consequences, but not as fun to make fun of.
All in all, I can feel the blood leaking around around the gray matter was destroyed reading this.

Especially since I doubt your ex'es fanfic came with techno remixes and machinima

[Meister]

So anyway since I already linked Kirby2000's fanfic account...

Chapter 1 Night of a Funnel

http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/4343/funnel.gif (http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=funnel.gif)

[BitVyper]

At least nothing Kirby2000 wrote was actually published. (http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088311.html)

[Pip Boy]

I thought that it was just a typical example of something being described in a little too much detail to be interesting until it hit this part....

Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone...

And I imagine it just goes downhill from there.

I mean, of all the seemingly hyperbolic and poetic things to describe, her genital hairs!? Something is very wrong with this!

[Marc v4.0]

I thought that it was just a typical example of something being described in a little too much detail to be interesting until it hit this part....



And I imagine it just goes downhill from there.

I mean, of all the seemingly hyperbolic and poetic things to describe, her genital hairs!? Something is very wrong with this!


There's Worse.

So Much Worse. (http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm) You'll hurt yourself. (http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters2344.htm)

[Loyal]

I think My Immortal is like the Adolf Hitler of fanfic-related Godwin's Law. If you have to bring it up, you've already lost.

[Marc v4.0]

I think My Immortal is like the Adolf Hitler of fanfic-related Godwin's Law. If you have to bring it up, you've already lost.

...lost what?

There's nothing going on here to win or lose. We're talking ABOUT shitty fanfics, of course it's going to come up! You couldn't invoke Godwin's Law in a thread about WWII Era Nazi Germans, it would just be a jackass move.

[BitVyper]

There's Worse.

So Much Worse. (http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm) You'll hurt yourself. (http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters2344.htm)

Yeah, but the sickening thing about the one I linked is that it's actually a published novel.

There's nothing going on here to win or lose.

To be fair, that's mostly because we've all already lost simply by knowing these things exist.

Also Loyal: Godwin's law isn't that you lose when you bring up Hitler. It's that every thread, given time, always eventually comes to Nazi comparisons.

[Loyal]

...lost what?

There's nothing going on here to win or lose. We're talking ABOUT shitty fanfics, of course it's going to come up! You couldn't invoke Godwin's Law in a thread about WWII Era Nazi Germans, it would just be a jackass move.Worded poorly perhaps, but consider the following hypothetical exchange:

"This fanfic is so bad."
"Oh yeah? Well this one's worse!"
"This one's even more horrible than before!"
"Top this one, I dare you."
"Okay, sure: My Immortal."
"...well, yeah. That kinda goes without saying."

[BitVyper]

Damn it, you guys are engaging my morbid curiousity about this "My Immortal" fanfic. If I read this, and it's actually that terrible, I will swear a blood oath of vengeance against both of you.

[Marc v4.0]

Worded poorly perhaps, but consider the following hypothetical exchange:

"This fanfic is so bad."
"Oh yeah? Well this one's worse!"
"This one's even more horrible than before!"
"Top this one, I dare you."
"Okay, sure: My Immortal."
"...well, yeah. That kinda goes without saying."


Ok, considered. I see nothing wrong with it. Again, it's the subject matter at hand. There's no reason to bring a made-up law, which only exists to allow people to invoke it incorrectly and look like jackasses doing so, into it other then to just argue in circles about it. Next time ignore it.

Bit, I'd advise you not to read it at all, but if you have to I find that not looking directly at the text helps curb the creep of rage and insanity

[Masaki-kun]

I can see you doing the ritual already. I think painfully overdone purple prose beats painfully misspelled, plotless, choppy crossover fic. Reading Bitvyper's thing didn't make me stupider via dead brain cells.

[BitVyper]

Er, wait; the one I linked WAS the painfully overdone purple prose.

[Wigmund]

Oh this looks promising... (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1047027/squirrelking)

There's Worse.

So Much Worse. (http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm) You'll hurt yourself. (http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters2344.htm)

Dear God Why!? Why did I try to read some of that?!

[russianreversal]

At least nothing Kirby2000 wrote was actually published. (http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088311.html) I'd say that is akin to literary terrorism. The fact that you linked us to it puts you in the axis of evil. What do you have to say for yourself?

[BitVyper]

I'd say that is akin to literary terrorism. The fact that you linked us to it puts you in the axis of evil. What do you have to say for yourself?

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

We'll meet again, NPF! And next time, it will be YOUR DOOOOOOOM! *flies away on jetpack*

[EVILNess]

Oh this looks promising... (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1047027/squirrelking)



Dear God Why!? Why did I try to read some of that?!

John Freeman has to make the ultamate choose to save humens and Henry Freeman

This.

Comedy Gold.

[Tev]

This.

Comedy Gold.Well to be fair, there was this explanation.

I have only been speaking english for not that long and fanfics help me do it. i just started to write these only before last week maybe so right now i dont have alot but i will.

I mean, it's like if I tried to write a fanfic in Spanish after my two nearly failed years in Spanish class.

[Odjn]

Aye, maybe he could tell me how to get my ex to stop calling me even after 6 months...

Tell her friends she gave you AIDS.

[EVILNess]

I mean, it's like if I tried to write a fanfic in Spanish after my two nearly failed years in Spanish class.

It's still funny dammit.

I mean, it's almost meme worthy.

Tell her friends she gave you AIDS.

This.

Also, comedy gold.

[Fifthfiend]

My ex girlfriend wanted me to read a fanfiction she wrote.
It was her first one.
I thought she wasn't allowed to call me pet names after dumping me, but here it went.
So I read it.
It was a massive crossover. Badly integrated.
It had original characters. Badly integrated.
It had stiff dialogue. Badly integrated.
And she spelled so many things wrong... like the title... the Title, for Christ's sake.
We have TECHNOLOGY.
It's as if you lived in America and you died of childbirth, and your harelipped child died of polio.
You have no excuse, we have technology, we have scientists who made it their life's work to stop that shit from happening.
We don't have to live in a world where people misspell SO MANY SIMPLE WORDS
And it's just so many things that annoy me in fanfiction when done right. Like making an upbeat character "dark". Or putting Sephiroth into anything that's not a battle from FFVII. Or... Father God, help me. I wanted to seppuku so hard. I don't want to tell her that, because it's wrong. But it hurt me so much to read that.

What can I do? I'm only 19, I can't drink the memories of that fanfiction away.

Vicious unrestrained criticism and then post it to the internet for other people to laugh at and hate.

[russianreversal]

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

We'll meet again, NPF! And next time, it will be YOUR DOOOOOOOM! *flies away on jetpack* I knew it! Damn you, Vyper!

Seriously, this thread is like a dark and dreary tunnel where all exits lead to smoking train wrecks of terrible writing, with no survivors.

[Bells]

My ex girlfriend wanted me to read a fanfiction she wrote.
It was her first one.
I thought she wasn't allowed to call me pet names after dumping me, but here it went.

after reading the whole thing, this is all i need to comment the following:

She is an Ex, her writing sucks. ou should tell her that she should try/maybe can do MUCH better than this.

If she gets upset, well, she gave you an opening with the "Pet name" stuff... you know "She thought i wasn't allowed to call her an Illiterate fanfictard after dumping me, but here it went."

It will be good, and it will be right.

[MasterOfMagic]

"Bottles of wine, covered with dew, and otters"

I've taken all I can today. I'll have to torture myself with everyone else's links another day.

Covered in otters.

[Possum Knight]

"Bottles of wine, covered with dew, and otters"

I've taken all I can today. I'll have to torture myself with everyone else's links another day.

Covered in otters.

lol I was drinking sweet tea when I saw this and had to spit it out haha.

[Kim]

How do you read a beverage, especially when it's in your mouth? This is very troubling.

[BitVyper]

Vicious unrestrained criticism and then post it to the internet for other people to laugh at and hate.

It's fanfiction. She'll be hailed as a genius as long as Sephiroth is in it.

[Possum Knight]

How do you read a beverage, especially when it's in your mouth? This is very troubling.

I don't know, how do you?

[Seil]

Cracked.com on Twilight. (http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/)

Anyways, do what I did with Salad Fingers. Let it pass through your mind. Usually when I dwell on something, have something I forget, it stays there. So what you do is just accept the fact that it's really bad, and let your brain move on.

[Wigmund]

Oh boy, TV Tropes has an entire listing of fanfics (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/FanFics).

[GARUD]

Cracked.com on Twilight. (http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/)



I love you for that link. So true!

[Pip Boy]

At least nothing Kirby2000 wrote was actually published. (http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088311.html)

Apparently there is a second chapter in which He rapes her (http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088755.html).

Why, bit Vyper? Why have you opened this seemingly endless can of nightmare fuel? Normal bad fanfictions is just written so badly you can't understand it. This fanfiction is written almost well but contains messages that make you not want to understand it!

I can't even read the entire thing. That's scary.

[Tev]

I can't even read the entire thing. That's scary.To sum-up:
The continuation is just the next four pages. Words are used that should never be used to describe sexual acts ("Legs like quivering hungry anacondas," "Buzzing pubes," and "Shaft of hot iron"). After which the queen fairy shows up and yells at her husband for raping the princess. They fight while the princess runs away except the king fairy unleashes a bunch of metal animals that....I think trap the princess? Then there's a giant involved near the end I think.

[Fifthfiend]

Apparently there is a second chapter in which He rapes her (http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088755.html).

Nothing classes up rape like calling it "pseudo-rape".

[Pip Boy]

One of the mods should put a poll on this and offer a free name color change to the person who posts the most painful fanfiction. It'll be like a contest.

[Fifthfiend]

...This thread is over!