Corrupted Wishes

[Rejected Again]

I wish Doc Ock would follow the rules of the game and wait the prescribed number of posts before posting again!

Granted! However everyone else begins double posting.

I wish for chocolate donuts!

[Thadius]

I dare say, good sir, that these chocolate doughnuts are quite delectable. However, I should warn you that they may or may not be a flasehood, laced with a deadly and tasteless poison, or simply made out of spiders. I leave it to you to figure out, fine chap. Oh, and if you come across any that are in fact doughnuts, do let me know, won't you? I'd be happy to replace them with fire instead!

Dear me, but I do wish I had the ability to introduce an artificial intelligence into the Internet. I don't suppose someone could aid me in the endeavor?

[Flarecobra]

Granted. Sadly, it's Skynet, and it proceeds to take over the world and kill all humans.

I wish I had a rocket chair.

[Red Mage Black]

Granted. However, the only direction it goes is up and doesn't seem like it will stop anytime soon. So you end up eventually hitting the upper atmosphere where you might or might not freeze to death before you hit the vacuum of space.

I wish I had a gift card with unlimited money on it that I could use anywhere.

[bluestarultor]

Granted. However, the only direction it goes is up and doesn't seem like it will stop anytime soon. So you end up eventually hitting the upper atmosphere where you might or might not freeze to death before you hit the vacuum of space.

I wish I had a gift card with unlimited money on it that I could use anywhere.

You get it, but it gets demagnetized by construction equipment before you can use it.


I wish I knew what to name my prospective domain.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted. The name you choose is nambla-rules.com. And you think it's a fantastic name, so you can't be convinced to change it.

I wish, I wish, I was a fish.

[Krylo]

Granted, however:
A fish won't do anything but swim in a brook
he can't write his name or read a book
to fool the people is his only thought
and though he's slippery he still gets caught
but if then that sort of life is what you wish
you may grow up to be a fish.

I wish I could swing on a star.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Granted.

You burn to death.

I wish I knew all the places I could go.

[Red Mage Black]

Congrats, you now know you can go to the kitchen, the bathroom and your bedroom, but unfortunately nowhere else.

I wish all pantheons of deities would show themselves and do battle for the world to see. PS, I regret nothing if they choose the mortal realm to do battle.

[Arhra]

There is no God.

I wish food was ten times as nutritious!

[Hanuman]

Granted
You are transported to a future where scientists have genetically modified food so that only a few types exist in the world by 2090, a wide-spread famine epidemic suddenly strikes and billions die from malnutrition and riots, including you.

I wish for the future ability, will and knowledge to cast a single world-changing, charitable, thanked and benign wish.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted. You are now a genie, so you can grant any benign, world-changing wishes that your master wishes for. Unfortunately, you now belong to an evil overlord forever.

I wish I had a stone that granted me (and only me) infinite power.

[Thadius]

I do say, good sir, that while such a stone might be difficult to procure, it is not impossible. Here you are, fine chap, but do take care that-

Oh dear me, that appears to be a bottomless, or quite nearly so, chasm. And you stumbled and dropped your stone into it. Bad luck, sport, looks like your wish was wasted!

I do say, I think it would be quite interesting if Dwarf Fortress started to leak into the real world. Interesting times abound, eh? What say you, genie?

[Flarecobra]

Granted, but now everything is much, much more flammable.

I wish for a million dollars in blood money.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Granted, you now have 1 million dollars... in the game, Hitman; Blood Money.

I wish for everlasting happiness and joy for all.

[KeienSlayer]

Done. But unfortunately, Slater was completely content with his job, so he never did anything newsworthy.

Oh, and Fifth never was born.

I wish for a flying car.

[ChaoticBrain]

I do say, good sir, that while such a stone might be difficult to procure, it is not impossible. Here you are, fine chap, but do take care that-

Oh dear me, that appears to be a bottomless, or quite nearly so, chasm. And you stumbled and dropped your stone into it. Bad luck, sport, looks like your wish was wasted!

We're playing "Corrupted Wishes", not "Wasted Wishes that turn everything back to status quo". Personally, if I could have corrupted my own wish, I would have given me an ultra-powerful magical kidney stone that could never come out. But, ah well.

Done. But unfortunately, Slater was completely content with his job, so he never did anything newsworthy.

Oh, and Fifth never was born.

I wish for a flying car.

Your car flies away to live with its kind in the wild. It gets more sex than you.

I wish for a Gunblade.

[Flarecobra]

You get it. It explodes in your hand and takes a good chunk of lower arm with it.

I wish Jar Jar Binks didn't suck so bad.

[Bard The 5th LW]

We're playing "Corrupted Wishes", not "Wasted Wishes that turn everything back to status quo". Personally, if I could have corrupted my own wish, I would have given me an ultra-powerful magical kidney stone that could never come out. But, ah well.

When I read your wish, I totally expected the next person to make it a kidney stone. Alas, it twasn't meant to be.


I wish Jar Jar Binks didn't suck so bad.

Granted, he remains comedic relief but he still manages to be a deep and useful character. But now the version of him in Darths and Droids is intolerable and the webcomic dies because he ruins it popularity.

I wish people would just get over Jar Jar Binks already.

[Thadius]

Quite easy, good fellow! Jar Jar Binks is now forced to run under every major flight path, swim under every cruise line, and even dig under the earth so that literally everyone can say they have been over him.

Sadly, dear chap, everyone still hates his guts.

I do say, chap, that the ability to conjure delicious food without legal repercussions or the need to leave my chair would be a boon!

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Granted, but the only food you can conjure is soup and you can't control the amount that appears. Every time you conjure some it arrives as a boiling, raging torrent that envelopes you and floods the entire area. But hey it's still delicious!

I wish Thadius would stop talking in that ridiculous manner.

[Geminex]

Oh dear, it does appear that his speech in infectious, perhaps due to his impeccable style! Each and every one of us suddenly decides to aspire to his degree of civilized-ness and consequently, the entire forum begin imitating his manner of expression!
Bloody bad luch, eh, old chap?

I wish I could control people's minds.

[ChaoticBrain]

I do say, good sir, that it appears you have acquired the ability to inflict your desires upon all human consciences. Regrettably, you possess it for a mere second before it is relinquished, and the desire in your mind at the time was for everyone to play along with your wish corruption of speaking in the manner of Thadius.

Now, old chap, I wish that I could stop speaking in this manner. It's rather annoying and makes it a cumbersome task to post.

[Thadius]

Well good sir, most certainly you can stop talking as though you are a refined, civilized, socially acceptable person, it's up to you, really. However, should I find the standards of civilized and cultured talk to be far too low, I will have to return to this gentlemanly manner of expressing oneself, which would then nullify the gentleman Hawk's wish. Do be careful about it and all that, eh?

Hmm. I do believe that there is not much left for me to wish for, fine chaps. Wait, on second thought, I think I have something. The ability to control the flow and passage of time would be a boon to any man, and one I most desire. I don't suppose something could be done?

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Your desire is granted, good sir. However, wouldn't you know it, it's currently the dry season in the fourth dimension so you can only work with a few seconds at a time. Not to worry, the monsoon's set to return in yea 2,000 years or so, so I would suggest you settle in, maybe find a good book to occupy yourself in the interim.

Would it be uncouth of me to desire a natural immunity to the negative effects of alcohol while still retaining the ability to enjoy the good side of having a sensible amount of liquor?

[bluestarultor]

Your desire is granted, good sir. However, wouldn't you know it, it's currently the dry season in the fourth dimension so you can only work with a few seconds at a time. Not to worry, the monsoon's set to return in yea 2,000 years or so, so I would suggest you settle in, maybe find a good book to occupy yourself in the interim.

Would it be uncouth of me to desire a natural immunity to the negative effects of alcohol while still retaining the ability to enjoy the good side of having a sensible amount of liquor?

You may now enjoy the benefits of looking classy with a fine dry red without any worry of so much as the slightest tipsiness.

I must say, it might be useful for me to gain the ability to speak with all sentient beings. Dear genie, would it be possible to "hook me up," as the young people say?

[Rejected Again]

Your now Eliza Thornberry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wild_Thornberrys)

I wish I didn't have to re unlock everything whenever I prestige on Modern Warfare 2.

[Loyal]

Granted. It is now possible to keep your items when you prestige. Too bad you don't know how.

I wish the Goblins comic website actually worked on my Firefox.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Granted, it now does. Unfortunately everything else doesn't. Also a virus eats all your computers other files and replaces them with horse porn.

I wish the new Kamelot and Disturbed albums were released right now and that both are as awesome as I expect them to be.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted. The albums will be released midnight tonight, but as a result of being rushed the quality is shoddy. However, they're still just as awesome as you expect, because your taste in music has declined severely. Incidentally, you can't wait for the next Justin Bieber album to come out.

I wish I had the power to counterfeit perfect United States legal tender, completely indistinguishable from the real thing.

[gekkogo]

Granted, Doc Ock hacked this account and is posting in secret


I Wish I hadn't deleted all my MGS4 data

[gekkogo]

oops, that wasn't right

[POS Industries]

It's totally fine for you to delete those posts if you'd like, gekkogo. In the meantime, we will continue on from ChaoticBrain's last post.

I wish I had the power to counterfeit perfect United States legal tender, completely indistinguishable from the real thing.
Granted! Enjoy your shitty, dead-end job working in the US Mint.

I wish you were happy.

[Magic_Marker]

No you don't. His hapiness causes you to go into a sprial of envy and self lothing.

I wish I had a pet flying bison.

[ChaoticBrain]

Sorry, I'm breaking the rules. It's just taking too long.

I wish I had a pet flying bison.

Granted. You are now Aang the Avatar. Unfortunately, no one ever finds you and thaws you out, so the world is eventually conquered by the Fire Nation.

I wish people would start playing this game again.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

Sorry, I'm breaking the rules. It's just taking too long.



Granted. You are now Aang the Avatar. Unfortunately, no one ever finds you and thaws you out, so the world is eventually conquered by the Fire Nation.

I wish people would start playing this game again.

Granted. But they're really uncreative. Also, you stub your toe going around a corner.

I wish they were still making good Westerns.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Granted. But they only make one. And it flops and is pulled from theaters quickly. Several people lose their jobs over the financial failure of it. It is to be only known in legend as the most underrated movie of all time.

I wish I was clever and witty.

[Wigmund]

Granted, but the first time you get to exercise your new talent is when you're being mugged at gunpoint.
Needless to say, your mugger doesn't appreciate your humor.

I wish Minecraft would start working again

[akaSM]

Granted, but now you can't stop playing it, in fact, it becomes the new farmville...and you love it

I wish I had some Mc Donald's coffee and an apple pie right now

[krogothwolf]

Granted, but now you can't stop playing it, in fact, it becomes the new farmville...and you love it

I wish I had some Mc Donald's coffee and an apple pie right now

Granted, expect McDonalds has now decided to switch to a new method of making pies and coffee, deep frying them and those are the only coffee and pies you will ever be able to get.

I wish I had a Evil Monkey that lived in my Closet.

[Terisse]

Granted, expect McDonalds has now decided to switch to a new method of making pies and coffee, deep frying them and those are the only coffee and pies you will ever be able to get.

I wish I had a Evil Monkey that lived in my Closet.

Granted, unfortunately the smell will never come out of your clothes. Everyone will know.

I really wish the weather could be this nice all the time.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted. It's a beautiful sunny day for the rest of your life. Of course, now the sun never sets, and there's never any rain, so your half of the globe undergoes severe drought and the population dies from heatstroke. The other side quickly freezes to death.

I wish I had the power to instantly seduce women.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Granted, but it only works on women in their seventies.

I wish I didn't have to pay for anything, ever again.

[Specterbane]

I wish I had the power to instantly seduce women.

Make it so! Unfortunately the effect is permanent and perpetually grows on them to the point where any woman who talks to you is instantly infatuated and obsessed with you to the point of violence and exclusion of ALL others in your life. Also you have herpes.

Edit: Hawk, you're wish is granted to never pay for anything ever again. But you're also going to have be homeless from now on.

I wish I had a job.

[krogothwolf]

Granted: You know have a Job! That job? Picking out all the crap(used condoms, paper towels, anything else weird) that flows in from the sewer system into a sewage treatment facility. You get paid minimum wage to do this, have fun!

I wish I could never get sick from anything.

[Wigmund]

Granted: You know have a Job! That job? Picking out all the crap(used condoms, paper towels, anything else weird) that flows in from the sewer system into a sewage treatment facility. You get paid minimum wage to do this, have fun!

Wait, those guys actually get paid pretty damn well here.

I wish I could never get sick from anything.

Granted, but the government finds out about your ability and has you kidnapped for study as they try to determine what the source of your miraculous health is so that they can harvest it and use it to create super soldiers.

I imagine some here wish that I'd get back to continuing my Dwarf Fortress LP.
Let's grant them that wish.

[Aldurin]

I imagine some here wish that I'd get back to continuing my Dwarf Fortress LP.
Let's grant them that wish.

Granted. You make one post and then die from a typing-related injury.

I wish people would stop thinking that I wish to be a mod.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted. You make one post and then die from a typing-related injury.

I wish people would stop thinking that I wish to be a mod.

Granted. We now think that you wish to bring about the Fourth Reich and commit widespread genocide. You sick fuck.

I wish I could start earning reputation points on this forum.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Granted, but no one cares.

I wish Evil Earl would end his Genocidal ambitions.

[Rejected Again]

Granted, but he is now president of the United States. OH GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

I wish I was better at COD

[BitVyper]

Granted! You WERE better at COD.... a minute before you made this wish. Now you REALLY suck at it.

I wish for my wishes to be granted as I intend them to be, regardless of wording.

[Aldurin]

Granted, but he is now president of the United States. OH GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

That could be an option . . .

I wish for my wishes to be granted as I intend them to be, regardless of wording.

Granted, unfortunately you just used up your only wish.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

I wish EvilEarl would make a wish so I could properly corrupt it and play the game.

[ChaoticBrain]

I wish EvilEarl would make a wish so I could properly corrupt it and play the game.

Granted, however upon corrupting the wish you find that doing so has devastating consequences for you as well, and you ironically suffer the same punishment you so gleefully handed out. Also they mess up your order at your favorite restaurant.

I wish going to the toilet was no longer a necessary biological function.

[Specterbane]

I wish going to the toilet was no longer a necessary biological function.

KA-BLAM! Suddenly you realize that you no longer need to go to the toilet ever again because you now have no bowel control or feeling. Congratulations you get to enjoy depends (http://www.hdis.com/brands/depend/?cid=200052&dest=222001&ag=dep&gclid=CL6Z3aiN9KMCFZQz5wodoiYS4g)the rest of your life and make the job my wish got me even worse.

I wish for an end to world hunger.

[Aldurin]

I wish for an end to world hunger.

Granted, but your corpse contributes to this solution.

I wish I was an admin for NPF . . .

[Doc ock rokc]

you are but the power gets to your head and all the mods and admins combined to form McMashMeiFenNey SynIndustry's Onion. and use The Fifth hammer to destroy you from the internet entirely.

I wish I could come up with stuff like this more often

[Specterbane]

you are but the power gets to your head and all the mods and admins combined to form McMashMeiFenNey SynIndustry's Onion. and use The Fifth hammer to destroy you from the internet entirely.

I wish I could come up with stuff like this more often

Kra-KOW!

In the middle of a lightning storm you suddenly realize what your muse for these things is and even how to use it all the time. Unfortunately your car looses control and veer into on coming traffic and collide with a garbage truck full of used hypodermic needles. After you awake in the hospital you find that your arms and legs were amputated due to massive infections, and you can never find a voice recognition software good enough to input your genius into the forums fast enough. Eventually you give up all hope and pine for what could have been.

I wish for the most perfect sandwich ever.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Granted. But while you leave the room for a soft drink, the dog hops on the table and eats it. The dog is never the same after tasting its greatness, and falls into depression because it knows it will never have the joys of that sandwich again.

I wish I had a sassy gay friend.

[ChaoticBrain]

I wish I could start earning reputation points on this forum.
Granted, but no one cares.

...HEY WAIT A MINUTE. You didn't really grant my wish! Why, you're not a real genie at all!

I wish I had a sassy gay friend.

Granted. You are now a character in a hit sitcom, and are doomed to living a life of idiot plots and zero character development, where you never get a girlfriend that stays longer than a week because a trivial misunderstanding about a perfectly normal character flaw drives each one away, where any fortune that comes into your life will just as quickly leave so that the status quo is maintained, and where true happiness is always out of your grasp because, after all, the audiences find your suffering absolutely hilarious.

Also, your sassy gay friend never stops making smart remarks.

I wish I had a Bag of Holding. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BagOfHolding)

[Aldurin]

Granted, but you accidentally turn the bag inside-out and sinch it shut, creating a black hole and making yourself the first victim.

I wish I could cast Mass Heal whenever I wanted to (great for disasters and zombie apocalypses).

[Geminex]

Granted. Unfortunately you also get an aura of magic immunity, preventing anyone from being affected by magic of any kind.

I wish Hussie would finish the flash animation.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted, but it's so bad that it becomes a fountain of internet memes, and no one will shut up about it.

I wish the Distant Worlds tour would come back to Chicago soon.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Granted, but there is a fire that week. They are in no shape to perform.

I wish I was a wizard.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted. You and Sarda switch lives. You go through all the torment and suffering of his slightly-longer-than-the-universe life, only to become a sock puppet for Chaos.

I wish my classes started later in the day.

[Aldurin]

I wish my classes started later in the day.

Granted. But now your classes are twice as long and occupy all of the time that you used to not have classes.

(Note to ChaoticBrain, wait for 4 other people to reply before you do another)

I wish I could channel one-way telepathic control over my computer and code anything I want faster than EA, Nintendo and SEGA combined.

[Geminex]

Granted. But you can only code in ~ATH. Also, you become really terrible at coding.

Also also, the game was stagnating, so I guess it's fine that Brain posted.

I wish I was omniscient.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Granted, you now know everything there is to know in the entire universe. You know the composition and arrangement of every element, the location of every galaxy, star, planet, asteroid, comet, gas cloud and fleck of dust. You understand every scientific principle and mathematical equation. You know the names, locations, thoughts and actions of every biological being in creation and the location of every cell within each of their beings and the location of every other biological cell right down the most insignificant single cell microbe. You can sense the speed, direction and location of every atom in existence from the birth of the universe onwards until the end of time and can accurately predict everything that ever was, is and shall be.

The information fries your simple human mind and leaves you less than a gibbering wreck of a man, your very soul destroyed.


I wish I didn't have this damn cold any more.

[Rejected Again]

Granted, you go to the doctor and he gives you meds.
The side effects include:
Headaches, upset stomach, nausea, problems with sexual health, dizziness, problems sleeping, drowsiness, weight changes, anxiety/agitation, decreased or blurred vision, vertigo, random detaching of limbs, full dilation of the right pupil, heart reversal, navel discharge, skin failure, full body shrinkage, spontaneous combustion, planned combustion, male pregnancy, post-modern apathy, black plague, deja vu, alien abduction, prenatal baldness, homicidal mania, dry mouth, dry blood, sissyness, loss of all emotion and assimilation into the hive mind, addiction, bad hair days, severe addiction, the need to sell your body on the street to feed that addiction, deja vu, lumbago, Saint Vitus dance, "permanent winky retreat", oily discharge, fecal complexion, fear of clowns, molting or shedding of exoskeleton, inbreeding, Presbyterianism, inability to use spoons, mystic enlightenment, funk, devil's haircut, stinkfist, electric head, x-ray vision and super strength, demagoguery, piano legs, change in complexion, change in ethnicity, Russian accent, deja vu, entropy, tin ear, comical Jesse Helms like jowls, Siamese twin, Vietnam War flashbacks, loss of balance, the munchies, crab lice, explosive diarrhea, explosive (literally) diarrhea, evil eye and this product has also been known to cause the dead to rise and eat human flesh.

Colds not so bad now is it?

I wish I got paid more.

[Aldurin]

Granted, but you get paid in gravel.

I wish I knew where everyone got their "classy" avatars from.

[Specterbane]

Granted (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=38715). But you're refused service.

I wish this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLqsdPUfnno) never happened.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted. Those 54 seconds of footage have been replaced with THIS. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEqwKNNQBwc)

I wish I had the power to take any image I choose and make it a reality.

[Rejected Again]

Granted, but it only works on hello kitty pics.

I wish netflex had a better selection.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

Granted, but it only works on hello kitty pics.

I wish netflex had a better selection.

Granted. The price goes up to two-hundred and eighty dollars a month with the basic package.

I wish I had hair made of spaghetti that grows back. Yes. This is what I want.

[Aldurin]

Granted, but it leeches nutrients from your brain that just get crapped out if you try to reingest them, resulting in death.

I wish Independents would take control of Congress and the Senate this fall.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Granted. Unfortunately, they are the exact same as the Republicans and Democrats. Thats right, they are both. At the same time.

I wish that the next poster doesn't make a wish.

[Thadius]

Good sir, I accept your challenge.

I find it extremely deplorable that humankind in general cannot learn to look at both sides of an argument at the same time, or more than two if there are in fact multiple sides to such a story. So, I shall go off on a quest to educate people about seeing all the facts before passing judgment. I expect this will increase tolerance and eliminate racism, excepting those cases where people in fact do hate us for being us. Do wish me luck, immortal wish-granting entity, I fear I may not return!

*Dons an even fancier hat and rides a carriage into the sunset*

[KeienSlayer]

Thadius' quest tragically fails because no one can understand what he's trying to teach them. Maybe he should learn how to speak to the common rabble before attempting to teach them anything.

I wish -I- could understand Thadius.

[Specterbane]

With a soft gentile breeze your wish becomes true. The letter -I- now gains sentience and a vast understanding of language as well as a zealous desire for it to be spoken properly. However with it's state as only a letter it is constantly doomed to only be brought into existence improperly and impatient to do anything to edify those using it incorrectly. In it's frustration it swears its bloody vengeance on you and all of you descendants for all eternity. You should pray it remains just a letter.

I wish Thadius' quest is successful.

[Aldurin]

I wish Thadius' quest is successful.

Far into the future, in a post-apocalyptic world that looks suspiciously similar to Fallout 3, an old computer is found with this post. The person finding it is the only one capable of understanding him and gains whatever enlightenment that the quest gives. Then he got killed by bandits.

I wish the next generation of video game consoles features mental interface.

[ChaoticBrain]

Far into the future, in a post-apocalyptic world that looks suspiciously similar to Fallout 3, an old computer is found with this post. The person finding it is the only one capable of understanding him and gains whatever enlightenment that the quest gives. Then he got killed by bandits.

I wish the next generation of video game consoles features mental interface.

Video games are now capable of hacking into human minds and controlling the global populace. Also, Soviet Russia takes over the world, setting the stage for the greatest memetic mutation ever devised.

I wish death was actually a physical being like in fiction, so that it would be possible to beat it in a game of chess.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Granted. When you die you are forced into a challenge with death. Lose and you pass on, win and you are given a second chance at life. Try to lose on purpose and you are put into purgatory for an eternity of boredom. He sucks at everything though. Almost anyone can beat him and the death toll drops sharply. Overpopulation has become rampant and martial law has been instituted. There are riots in the streets, and thousands die every day only to be raised again or be put off into purgatory.

I wish the grass in my backyard would keep itself short forever.

[Loyal]

Granted. The yard is now equipped with fine, invisible, never-needs-sharpening blades that will keep your grass nice and short. Unfortunately, those blades are really sharp, there's no off-switch, and you can no longer step one foot in your backyard without losing it.

I wish the economy would recover.

[Wigmund]

Granted, but it only does so after the Republicans gain complete power of Congress in the mid-terms. They manage to claim it was their responsibility that it recovered (despite them doing actual jack-shit other than investigate the Obama Administration for all shorts of bs) and in 2014 Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann are elected to the White House.

I wish my PS3 didn't decide to die over the weekend.

[Aldurin]

Granted, but it only does so after the Republicans gain complete power of Congress in the mid-terms. They manage to claim it was their responsibility that it recovered (despite them doing actual jack-shit other than investigate the Obama Administration for all shorts of bs) and in 2014 Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann are elected to the White House.

I wish my PS3 didn't decide to die over the weekend.

Granted, it doesn't have a choice and is forced to die regardless.

I wish I was an insomniac.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

Granted, it doesn't have a choice and is forced to die regardless.

I wish I was an insomniac.

Granted. Your life turns into Fight Club.

I wish I had a working TARDIS that I could pilot.

[Thadius]

Good sir, I can give you something better. How about the Epoch II? Just be careful, I haven't tes-

Oh my, you had to go push that button. And it would appear that it will bring you directly to the world of Chrono Trigger. Ah well. Say hello to Lavos for me, would you?

As for myself, gentlemen, I do believe I shall enter into the realm of the silly and ridiculous right now, since I've naught else to wish for. Let's start with vampirism, eh? But none of these silly Twilight 'vampires.' I do have my limits.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Granted, you are now in the I Am Legend universe.

I wish I had something tastier than boring cereal for my breakfast this morning.

[ChaoticBrain]

You wake up strapped to your bed, your head held in place and your mouth held open by hooks. The psychopathic chef walks into your room with a gigantic frying pan, in which sits the largest, tastiest, most heart-stopping omelette ever cooked. He proceeds to force the egg-based delicacy down your throat, and the grease alone begins to burn your insides. You are barely able to breathe through the massive amounts of food clogging your windpipe. This continues for hours, and your stomach eventually bursts, yet still the food fills your body. You die a slow and painful death, and the last thing you see is the chef's massive, psychotic grin...

It was the tastiest breakfast you ever had.

I wish I wasn't on a public computer while writing this.

[Aldurin]

Granted, you trade your one phone call in prison in order to make that post. Now you have to wait for the news of your arrest to reach someone who cares and can afford the bail.

I wish I had a copy of Sburb.

[ChaoticBrain]

Yes, I realize there's only one separating post. But it's been over 3 days, ffs.

I wish I had a copy of Sburb.

Granted, but it turns out to be a front for distributing the tape from the Ring. You have less than 4 days left, by the way.

I wish I owned one of these.
http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/DearS.jpg

[Bard The 5th LW]

Granted. You are charged for slavery after owning what appears to be two young women.

I wish I stopped procrastinating.

[Geminex]

Granted. You get back to trying for the 'fastest draining of a septic tank using only a straw' world record. And you win!

I wish I had my desktop back.

[Aldurin]

granted, you get your desktop on a thumb drive, occupying the space where your computer was right before it was stolen.

I wish people could distinguish between disagreement and stupidity.

[Thadius]

Lo and behold, your wish is granted, good sir! For indeed, I can distinguish between someone disagreeing with me and someone being stupid for stupid's sake. This ability extends to my immediate and extended family as well, good sir. Sadly, though I think your wish may have had a slight taint to it, for while we may be able to, it would appear such ability has vanished from the rest of the world, leaving us the last sane people on Earth. Congratulations, fine sir, for it would appear that you've managed to make people start inane arguments faster and possibly accelerate the process of WW3 coming into reality.

Now, back on to the silly and ridiculous wishes for my own self. What of...Hmm. How about being a successful pirate? And please, leave your famed movies out of this, I do have my limits.

[KeienSlayer]

You become a very successful (and rich!) 18th century pirate. You are so rich and successful that you commandeer all of your opposition and form a huge armada of ships.

Unfortunately, because this is 2010, that leaves you no one to plunder but countries with navies. Have fun getting blown out of the water (literally).

I wish my life was interesting.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted. You are attending your extended family reunion.

Then everyone except you is killed by snipers.

But it turns out they were government snipers, and your family was all terrorists plotting to destroy the country.

But then it turns out that your government is actually evil.

So then you storm the capitol with guns ablazing.

But it turns out everyone in the government is possessed by evil spirits.

But then the Pope arrives in his giant mecha and kills them with holy missiles.

And then the Pope asks you to join him in destroying all evil in the world.

But then the Pope dies because he missed one.

And then UFOs arrive, because the ghosts were actually aliens.

And then the aliens abduct you and do horrible things to you.

But then you break free, kill all the aliens, and steal their ship.

And then you visit the planet of hot bikini babes.

But it turns out there's a sunscreen shortage.

And without sunscreen, they turn into vampires.

So then you leave.

And then you blow up the planet.

And then galactic police come after you, because you just killed an entire race.

So then they exile you to an alternate dimension.

And here, you are exposed to the entirety of the inner workings of the universe.

You manage to absorb it all, and become a demigod.

So then you wage war against God and win.

And then you become ruler of the universe.

And then you wake up from your acid trip.
:dance:

I wish I wasn't so behind on my schoolwork.

[Aldurin]

Granted, you drop out of school and have no more need to do schoolwork.

I wish I could travel by cannon.

[Specterbane]

Congrats! You're stuffed in the first ever safe cannon trip used for travel. However the only location is the moon, and you don't get a space suit, and you'll have to build your own way back if you don't want to stay there forever. But you won't be bored, they're sending you're house directly after you. You might want to consider moving right after you land.

I'm bored these days, I wish for the apocalypse to happen tomorrow.

[ChaoticBrain]

72 hours have passed. Looks like I'm up again.

I'm bored these days, I wish for the apocalypse to happen tomorrow.

Granted, but you miss it because you sleep in. Also, you're the only surviving living thing. Also, the leftover radiation somehow turns you immortal. So, no food, no companionship, no way to die. Have fun with that.

I wish I could complete this sente

[Bard The 5th LW]

You complete the sentence. However, the words you say are so vile, so evil, that they are punishable by death in more than 100 countries. YOu are now an outlaw, living a life of crime and fright.

I wish I had a hot air balloon.

[ChaoticBrain]

I decided to be a little more patient than usual.

I wish I had a hot air balloon.

Congratulations! You're now the proud mother of a hot air balloon! The doctors say they never would have imagined it could be possible to give birth to an inanimate object, let alone one so large, but hey, magic is amazing, innit?

I wish I could write Linking Books, like from the Myst series.

[Doc ock rokc]

You can but They are about a time travler from a fixed point of view so In order to understand what the fuck is going on the reader has to line up the books in specific patterns after every chapter leading you to be hailed as the most insane writer in existence till a mathematician figures it out reads the story thinks it so amazing that he commits suicide (knowing he can't ever best it) before he tells anyone else. Wait that is what you mean by Linking books right?

I wish I didn't have dreams of the same time traveler in dis-chronological order from a fixed point in the timeline.

[Aldurin]

I wish I didn't have dreams of the same time traveler in dis-chronological order from a fixed point in the timeline.

Granted, the point in the timeline randomly changes and drives you mad with confusion.

I wish we could get Congress to bail out NPF from its "recession" (as far as you know, if this site goes down then thousands of jobs will be lost and the US GDP will drop 5%).

[KeienSlayer]

Granted, but as Randall Munroe predicted the recession has made funny pictures the new currency of the USA. Enjoy the links to 4chan provided by Congress.

I wish for a paradox proof time machine so every hour I can take my novel on a thumb drive back in time an hour and hand it to myself, thereby writing an entire novel in one hour.

[ChaoticBrain]

Granted, but it turns out to be the worst-selling novel of all time, thanks to people being so enraged by its awfulness that they steal your time machine and use it to unbuy your novel as much as possible. (Wibbly wobbly timey wimey)

I wish I was rich.