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PyrosNine
12-17-2010, 09:39 PM
Tonight on a very special episode of General Inhospitable (totally not a Mini-avvy)

"WE NEED TEN CC's OF GOOD HOLIDAY CHEER, STAT!" Dr. Ethington yelled, running down the halls.

"B...b..BAAAAH!" Screamed the patient, so close to death that three spirits he knew in life were hounding him:

His former business partner, the jolly old teacher, and that one girl he tried to touch because he was old and lonely.

The stretcher rolled at a thunderous pace, like a rollercoaster down a bobbing and weaving track amongst the weak and the dead.

"We are losing him people! GET ME SOME DAMN SUGAR DUMPLINGS!"

"BAAAAAAH! BAAAAAH!"

THe coaster shot through the halls, and seemed to catch, and carry the presence of a fourth spirit, a dominating woman.

"What kind of insane malarkey are you up to now Ashley? This man is more likely becoming a sheep than...whatever the hell kind of diagnosis...is that the trustee of our financing bank? WHAT ARE YOU-?"

SHe promptly disappeared as if waved away from existence.

Or conveniently split from the entourage by a narrow corridor and a sharp angle.

"I don't have time for your words! I AM LOSING HIM! Look at all this negativity? It's time for drastic measures. HAND ME THAT CANDYCANE!"

She rode him like a pony, enough to make the teacher cough, the business parter had to hide his head and his lower half in another operating room, while the girl found it all vaguely familiar and slightly traumatizing.

There was a stabbing motion and some bright holiday cheering sensation.

"Bah.. BAH BAAAAH HUUUUUMBUUGGGGG!"

It was another "successful" operation at the Hospital.

As Cuddy watched on, it was also the beginning of a new way of doing things.

* * *

There were clear violations of practices and codes, and with the many miraculous recoveries, there were many of course, unneccesary or unneeded extra cures. Extra arms, bionic implants, psychic powers...and there were some sly comments about people from certain webcomics suffering from a particular malady indicative of their genre, and complaining of a broken arm.

Furthermore, the problem of having one doctor, fresh out of wherever and taking the head ER position (while simultaneously fighting off an alien threat) was one of questionable sanity and resources. It was crazy for her to run around fixing everything. It was crazier for her to do it alone.

So, the board found willing applicants for a special diagnosis and treatment team for severe and obscure maladies.

They were handpicked from the best of the best, the budding roses of the Nuklear Power Medical Academy.

However, they all suffered a painful accident involving a random badger and marmoset attack on a moving bus, causing the newly self-assigned head of the new team to find people to fulfill the new 'judicial cure' requirements.

She filed on craigslist, the bulletin board on the mall, and then just went out into the snow and offered money and free drugs to random people.

You made the team, and this is your fourth attempt.

The previous attempts are not recorded, but they ended pretty smoothly, save for that incident with the soulless donkey and a size D cup size bra.

December 22: CGFTW offices:
"Office Christmas Party."

The party was in it's last embers, with gifts given and enough niceties and veiled threats about christmas bonuses. A few members had left already, taking away their office christmas gifts. The ceo and the general manager had taken away festive godies they had essentially bought for themselves with company money, and those who remained just held seasonal conversation or were in charge of clean up.

Bob, such a lowly grunt who volunteered to clean up just because it meant he could drive off with the expensive snacks without anyone minding. Bob, who had begun packing on the pounds amidst seasonal gloom, watched the fading party with disinterest, munching on a candycane from the company tree, and pondering if he had any chance with the remaining female coworkers who had sipped too much spiced eggnog to notice they'd overstayed their welcome, and hopefully sipped enough to have low enough standards...even the one hanging around mumbling christmas carols while eating gingerbread men, the one they affectionately called 'Miss Piggy.'

He fixated upon 'Miss Piggy.' The flab in her arms, her red faced smile, the way she toothily mumbled something about eskimos. Her eyes were like raisins, her hair like golden flax-

A hand was laid upon his shoulder. He whipped around, like an angry gorilla, to gaze upon his attacker- Bill, from accounting.


"Hey man, I'm about to head out, just wanted to wish you a good one before I...are you okay?"

"URRGH! UUURUGH!" Bob grunted, holding his head. His stomach gurgled, and he let loose the mother of all farts.

"Gross man, that's-"

Bob cut off Bill with a right hook, sending him back reeling.

"GRAAAAAH!" screamed Bob, who charged at Bill, and with a right shoulder tackle, sent him flying out the window. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CavFroD1zGs)

Bob roared in defiance, only for blood to pour out of his nose and collapse to the ground.

Paramedics were called with slurring voices.

December 23, 6:00 AM: Diagnostician Team Room:

Dr. Ethington sat on a leather IKEA couch, cross-legged, in a state of deep concentration. She was attempting to cure a patient's hypochondria by not thinking about it, to a level that he himself didn't think about it, but only time would tell if it the treatment would work.

In her state of nonthought, she didn't think about how the rest of the team was due for the latest case shortly, and were quite late. She didn't think about how annoying that was, when she had a much busier schedule between action science, being a general, modeling, and eating ice cream while laughing loudly. It was an awful lot to not think about , and she almost thought about firing them for an entire season before bringing them back one by one every major episode. Except that Ezio guy, he'd probably take that hard and murder them all.


(Post your entry, and remember to keep all major actions related to diagnosis in text parser format.)

Inbred Chocobo
12-18-2010, 01:49 PM
Some dude dressed like a ninja came flying through the window of the room, glass causing cuts and making a mess as he went rolling through. Though when the truck came following it, crashing through the wall and splattering the guy, sending blood and guts all throughout the room, and car parts as well I guess. And then for good measure the truck exploded, probably causing a fire.

IC then stumbled in to the room, for some reason wearing a doctor's lab coat opened up. "Ha! Cured that guy of his ninja problem." He then looked around the room. "Oh, whoops. So um... what did you need me for here again?"

Astral Harmony
12-21-2010, 01:01 AM
Raidy arrived at the hospital, dusting all the gray snow off of her and rubbing at the tire track that ran along her back and left leg. She had been offered an opportunity to attend a christmas party at some office building (that she didn't work at) as a stripper (whatever that was), and just as she was about to enter, a person fell on her, knocking her out cold.

The paramedics arrived and placed Bill in an ambulance, completely ignoring the passed out hot chick that was just underneath, and sped off. She was wrested from her dreamless sleep by the blast of the ambulance's siren, then, worried for the patient and hoping to ride in the ambulance and assist, Raidy chased after the ambulance in a hurry.

Raidy was knocked out a second time when the ambulance suddenly stopped and Raidy plowed right into it, face first.

And when motorists are desperate to get near-last minute Christmas shopping done, they could even ignore a passed out hot chick laying obstructively and suggestively in the middle of the road.

"Ugh, I finally made it! Don't worry, people in need! I may just be a nurse in training, but you can count on me to cure whatever ails you!"

Raidy was promptly knocked out a third time when she rushed the hospital and flew face first into the doors that didn't open automatically.

Beaten, bruised, scarred, and with tear waterfalls flowing down her face, Raidy managed a full on sprint fueled only by her spirit, because her own body was too broken to move on its own. But the person who fell on her wasn't the patient she discovered. Plus, she hadn't changed her clothes, which left her with a torn and loose skimpy Santa suit.

:> Raidy sees the patient Bob.

"Blood is coming out of his nose. Did he watch a porno or see something naughty?"

:> Raidy examines the patient further.

"The blood is on his mouth, too. Wait, maybe it isn't his blood! Maybe he's a zombie!"

:> Raidy prepares a [Treatment Hypothesis].

"Let's use a Phoenix Down or Life magic to kill him instantly, then while he's a dead body, we can use another Phoenix Down or more Life Magic to resurrect him as a living person! That should cure absolutely everything that's wrong with him!"

Raidy then pointed dramatically towards the sky, laughing at her own genius deduction and completely ignorant of everyone else and the truck fire complete with burning ninja entrails all over the place.

mauve
12-22-2010, 02:52 PM
Nurse Parker laid a hand on Dr. Steele's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Doctor," she said grimly. "It's too late. There's nothing else we can do."

Dr. Flint Steele grit his teeth, his background music flaring dramatically.

"No...." he growled. "No! I will! Not! Lose! Another one! Not this time." He slammed an angry fist against the cold, unfeeling machinery. "NOT THIS TIME!"

The vending machine gave an electronic sputter. The flickering "ERROR" screen blinked out momentarily, to be replaced by a shaky red "$1.25."Dr. Flint Steele posed victoriously. One more quarter saved from the endless abyss of the crappy vending machine's error screen.

Now if it would only give him his damn Corn Nuts. He dramatically punched in the proper numbners; watched the metal coils turn, saw the bag inch closer to the end.... And get stuck in the edge of the coil.

The Docto's good eye widened. The background music swelled again. He sank to his knees, throwing his hands in the air....


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" HE WOULD NOT LOSE THIS ONE! NOT THIS TIME!

PyrosNine
12-22-2010, 04:06 PM
"Dr. Raidy, that's your solution for everything! Hell, you look more like a zombie than this man here!" Dr. Ethington put a foot down on the patient's stomach, causing him to cough up blood and groan.

"So get yourself patched up and next time try to be less late. And near naked. And hawt. Actually, how about we just walk into the nearest broom closet and I'll give you some 'personal' healing before Flint Steele shoves his dramatic wank into everything...."

There was a loud *ding!* before Dr. Ethington could 'tend' to the wounded doctor, and a counter on the wall rolled.

Days since last sexual harassment: 0.

"Well crap. If anyone asks, it was whoever showed up the latest."

With a sigh, Dr. Ethington went whiteboard and put up the patient's info.

"Well, while we wait for the rest of our group, this is what we're here for."

Patient: Bob McHowitzer
Age: 34
Job: Pushing Paper.
Aspirations: None.
Birthstone: Jasper
Zodiac: Not the killer.

Medical History: Aside from mild depression and a psychological evalutation that recommended he be kept away from anti-depressants and high powered weaponry, none.

Symptoms: Subject was "perfectly fine" for the last week or so, until he suddenly had a meltdown at a company party, and knocked some guy out a window, and passed out.

Since then, his body temperature has risen dramatically, the skin on his chest, arms, and legs has begun turning red, and his stomach is swollen, while he bleeds from his orifices.

Insurance: Has enough that we can probably get away with needlessly expensive surgery that translates into Dom Peri with Caviar party for us all.

"So as you can see, we have a dying patient with an unknown sickness, exactly the kind of thing we're here for. So I what I want from you is a close look at the patient, and if you can wake him up, interrogate him. Use whatever measures neccesary, we need more information. In the meantime, I'm going to fiddle with that counter. So IC, Raidy, and I think I heard Steele in he hallway, get to work and task whomever comes in as well. Lazy bastards, we've a dying man here and they're probably spending valuable time with friends and family!"

"Buona matina." Ezio saluted from to the right of Dr. Ethington.

"OH SHIT! D-Don't do that! AH! Ha....good to see that you're here, Dr. Auditore. H-how long have you been here?"

Ezio waved his arm.
"Oh, I've been...here. Waiting. I'm a busy man, who needs to deal with a lot of people, I need to be on time."

"Oh....right. Very good. Punctuality, I like that. I'm just gonna go walk over there, And Raidy? Take this."

Dr. Ethington took off her doctor jacket and tossed it at Dr. Raidy. "Cover yourself, girl."

mauve
12-22-2010, 04:46 PM
The office door flew open dramatically, revealing a sunglasses-wearing Dr. Steele. His personal lighting techies had rigged the hallway so that he was partially obscured by deep shadows. Oh yeah. Chiaroscuro lighting was so awesome.

"Don't worry." Flint steppe d into the office, instantly ruining the effect. The lighting techies sighed in disappointment as their two hours of setup work was rendered useless. "The doctor... is in."

Astral Harmony
12-23-2010, 03:23 AM
Raidy was a little confused. Dr. Ethington wanted her to be near naked, and then she gave her a jacket? "Will do, doctor!"
It took Raidy long enough to miss the entrances of Dr. Auditore and Dr. Steele in order to figure it all out. As quickly as she could, Raidy completely undressed herself.

The head of a middle-aged scientist popped out of a relatively small flowerpot. Then a hand with a digital camera snapped a picture of the glorious sight.
Raidy spun around so fast that the jacket she held swung around and knocked the flowerpot off the sill and out the window. Raidy, not seeing anything out of the ordinary, dressed herself up in Dr. Ethington's jacket as she heard "I regret nothiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" followed by the sound of crunching metal, a car alarm, and a shrieking cat.

And finally an explosion.

"Boy, it sure gets noisy during the holidays, don't'cha think?" Raidy asked the other doctors. Wearing Dr. Ethington's jacket and only Dr. Ethington's jacket, Raidy felt that she was clearly near naked as Dr. Ethington preferred her to be. I mean, she was only wearing one article of clothing. That was about as near naked as Raidy felt anyone could get.

Raidy carefully observed the file on Mr. McHowitzer, focusing specifically on the Symptoms section for a while.
"Oh, incredible! I didn't know there was something like that!"
Raidy clasped her hands together and her eyes sparkled like snowglobes filled with glitter.
"His job is to push papers? Man, I'd like a job like that! Just imagine! Out on the street with a pushbroom, running while pushing papers around all day! It'd be like raking leaves, except a lot more fun!"
Her moe-style "hair attennas" twitched with joy.

Shyria Dracnoir
12-25-2010, 05:59 PM
Deep below the NPF General Hospital, a mysterious figure toiled amidst an arcane array of maleficient machines and devious doodads. A blood-red glove gestured to a tiny reptilian figure fiddling with a massive generator.

"GIBLET! Ve need more power!"

"yes dark one!"

The kobold flipped a row of switches and yanked down a lever. The generator crackled with electricity, sending massive bolts of lightning sparking towards the ceiling and causing all the lights in the hospital building above to flicker. His master cackled with anticipation, gesturing towards a strange creature laid out on a metal gurney covered in a dirty shroud.

"Yes....YES! GIVE MY CREATION! LIIIIIIIIFEEEEE!"

A flash. Thunder. Silence. Shyria rushed to examine her creation's vital signs

"Yes...yes.....no....NOO! VHY MUST ZE UNIVERZE TAUNT ME SO!?" she wailed, collapsing with her head in her hands next to the gurney.

Her miniature assistant clambered down from the generator back to her side.

if you pardon me asking, mistress, what exactly did you hope to gain by grafting a fish head to the body of a pig? he inquired, pulling the sheet back to reveal a crudely stitched merger of Vietnamese potbelly and largemouth bass parts.

She glared back at him. "As I've explained countless times, I seek to combine ze fatty acid und antioxidant content of ze fish with ze delicous bacony flavor of ze pig. Ze perfect mixture of health and comfort food in one package! The culinary world would hail me as a GENIUS!" she screamed, dramatically gesturing once more to the heavens.

oohhh........mistress?

"Vhat?"

are you going to be using that funny voice much longer?

"As a matter of fact!..." Her voice took on a far less teutonic note. "No, not really, my tonsils are already starting to chafe. I swear, they make it look so easy in the movies." She coughed a few times to clear her throat before catching a glimpse of a nearby wall clock. "Shit! Time for my clinic hours! Giblet, can you get things cleaned up down here while I'm out? I want another go at Subject 3 before we call it a night."

i live to serve, mistress

"Good boy. And now, I'm off!" She raced across the dingy basement lab and jumped into an antique brass elevator. A minute later, the elevator surfaced in a janitor's closet on the third floor.

"Wonder what the other scrubbies have in store for me today-GYEEEH!" Shyria was suddenly blinded by 800 watts of fluorescent cinema-grade lighting. She stumbled past a lantern-jawed flunkie in sunglasses and flopped into the nearest free chair in the office. "My corneas..."

PyrosNine
12-29-2010, 02:15 AM
The patient snapped awake for no real reason other than to move things along.His eyes were bright red, but were full of some sort of life, as if they were twinkling or merry, His
His cheeks were enflamed like roses, his nose distinctly cherry colored!

He looked at the closest doctor, the Doctor Flint..Steele.

"Where am I? How did I get here...uuugh...what's...what's wrong with me?"

He was obviously in some sort of panic.

He had every right to, as there were bright lights everywhere, broken glass and walls, dead ninjas, and a naked girl.

He didn't see the head doctor, fortunately, as seeing her hit a counter with an action science hammer would no doubt further instill him in a panic, and he wouldn't see Ezio Auditore until his very last moment.

Of course, that would totally panic him when Ezio spoke from somewhere out of sight, and likely up in the ceiling.

"Ah, it seems that our friend is awake. Do not worry, amico, 'Del male non fare e paura non avere'."

The poor man was really worried now...there seemed to be a mexican nearby, and Bob was on a table in a strange place. What if they took his kidneys?

Shyria Dracnoir
12-31-2010, 10:40 AM
Shyria's eyes finally stopped throbbing long enough for her to take a look at the patients specs

Symptoms: Subject was "perfectly fine" for the last week or so, until he suddenly had a meltdown at a company party, and knocked some guy out a window, and passed out.

Since then, his body temperature has risen dramatically, the skin on his chest, arms, and legs has begun turning red, and his stomach is swollen, while he bleeds from his orifices.

"Hmmm...sudden swings in mood and physical symptoms like this could be indicative of any number of things. For instance, perhaps one of his parents was secretly some horrible cyclopean potato monster from another world, and these symptoms are indicative of his alien genes triggering a progression into the next stage of his life cycle."

She prodded McHowizter's swollen stomach with her pen and listened to it gurgle.

"Maybe his extraterrestrial parent's species reproduces asexually. Might explain the gastrointestinal issues and the mood swings; simple prepartum depression."

She glanced up at the snappily dressed Italian thug on the ceiling. 'You! You're good with knives, I presume? I might need some help getting some tissue samples for analysis."

PyrosNine
01-01-2011, 01:40 AM
"Tanto gentile e tanto onesta pare la donna mia..." Ezio replied, gracefully landing on the ground.

:> Pull out dagger.

He pulled forth a razor sharp blade, perfect for incisions.

"Now, where would you have me cut?"

The patient saw the knife. He felt a whole lot worse all of a sudden.

"OH GOD! This is one of those places isn't it? ISN'T IT!?"

His heartrate rose dramatically, and his skin turned ever the more redder.