The Cream of the Crap. Terrible Movies You've Seen

[Terex4]

My friends and I like to get together once in a while for what we affectionately call "Shitty Movie Night". We have a sort of contest going in which each of us tries to submit the most horrible movies possible so we can get drunk and make fun of them while claiming some sort of "win" for finding something indisputably atrocious.

So I thought it might be fun to let you guys take part, so to speak, by offering your own submissions.

So far I've only participated in this once, I brought The Gingerdead Man. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiWyiA77qzg)

[Bells]

Bring Blue Streak next time

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God, Blue Streak sucks....

Or if you really going for bad bad bad movies you can just bring National Security

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I guess my point is Martin Lawrence is in a lot of terrible movies.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

Wing Commander.

[Amake]

The most horrible movie possible is and will probably always be Meet the Spartans.

Agony Booth (http://www.agonybooth.com/agonizer/Meet_the_Spartans_2008.aspx) put it best I think. It's a movie you should't watch even if you like watching bad movies. Because it's not bad, it's just. . .not. It's the cinematic equivalent of a late-stage Alzheimer's patient, except its feeble grasping for familiarity, those random spasms towards recognition and thought and meaning, are supposed to pass for jokes.

If you're looking for a legitimately, offensively, actively horrible movie a step beyond the merely laughably bad it's a guaranteed winner. But I still recommend not watching it. It's 70+ minutes of your life you'll never get back.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Ilsa she-wolf of the SS

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

I have, on 3 seperate occasions, been forced by my friends to watch Paranormal Activity 2, The Road and Skyline.

I hate my friends.

[Bard The 5th LW]

The National Treasure movies were Nick Cage movies so there quality is given, but the sequel was just the worst. I think there was a book that apparently had all the governments secrets in it, a city of gold under Mount Rushmore, and Cage's great grandpa apparently involved in a conspiracy to kill Lincoln. The whole movie presented it as though any of these details had any sort of connection to one another.

[Osterbaum]

The Room.

[Gregness]

Starship Troopers 3. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWB8ananp_g) Like I was able to enjoy the first one in a turn your brain off action movie sense, but the third one is not only meh on the action front, even the co-ed shower scene manages to be almost boring and then there's this entire trite religion subplot going throughout and just... UGH!

[Osterbaum]

The first one is also great because of all the militaristic fascism. No really, that made it a lot more interesting to watch.

[Ramary]

The Room.

The fuck you talkin bout, The Room is a fantastic movie.

I tried watching a few MST3K movies without the commentary. Some stayed really funny (Space Mutiny for one) while others were a test to see how much soul crushing boredom I could take (Red Zone Cuba).

[Magus]

Do you want movies done "badly" on purpose? Because I'd say it's a tie between Black Dynamite and Toxic Avenger for me.

[Flarecobra]

The City of your Final Destination (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_City_of_Your_Final_Destination)

Not much really to this movie based off a book.

[Terex4]

Do you want movies done "badly" on purpose? Because I'd say it's a tie between Black Dynamite and Toxic Avenger for me.
I think it's better when someone is going for awesome and falls well short of the bar but shitty is shitty :dance:

[Magus]

I think it's better when someone is going for awesome and falls well short of the bar but shitty is shitty :dance:

Battlefield Earth, then. No question.

A lot of people also hate on Waterworld but I like that one, so...

Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever is another "good" one.

[Osterbaum]

The fuck you talkin bout, The Room is a fantastic movie.
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[Ramary]

Quirky new black comedy.

So that is what they are selling it as...brilliant bastards.

[Seil]

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[Locke cole]

The Last Airbender, Dragonball Evolution, and Eragon.

For similar reasons. They all turn into 70+ minute sessions of "spot the error!" if you're familiar with the work. It's also interesting to see just how badly one can screw up a movie that they originally planned to be part 1 of a series. None of these have had any talk of a sequel, except for M Night threatening another Avatar movie (So far, that hasn't come to pass). Hell, the Eragon movie murdered any chance of a sequel by very visibly not doing something that becomes half of the plot of the second book.

And I can't forgive TLA for its completely deceiving trailer. They had to have known that the trailer made it look like they actually had Koizilla in the movie.

Of course, I don't know how painful DBE is alone. I've only seen it in the context of an MSTing at a convention. The guy riffing on it was the guy who did the narrator voice for DBZ, so that was fun. Meanwhile, I saw TLA with my siblings on a computer, so we riffed on it. Eragon was just painful, because I saw it in an actual movie theater, and basically spent the next hour constantly thinking "OK, but they can't screw this u-..."

[Flarecobra]

Pearl Harbor.

[Ryong]

Ladykillers. This is incredibly boring.

One Missed Call. The epitome of horror movie stupidity: you know you and your friends have been cursed to die at a specific time, it's already happened to a lot of them and your time is in 5 seconds, don't cross the goddamn highway while saying you don't believe in that crap.

The Last Exorcism. Worst twist ending ever.

[EVILNess]

Death Racers. Starring The Insane Clown Posse.

It's like... what is this... I don't even...

If you can find a worse movie, may God have mercy on your Soul, because the movie you have unearthed will not.

[Archbio]

Most movies directed by J.J. Abrams.

The Strangers.

13 Tzameti.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Found this on Netflix streaming once.

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Weirdo Indian film about a snake goddess that goes around killing people after her mate is kidnapped. Still, interesting practical effects in places, not to mention a LOT of nudity. Take that as you will.

[Seil]

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[Seil]

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[Azisien]

I can sort of see people mentioning The Last Airbender as an appropriate movie for this thread but it actually goes beyond "cream of the crap" and more solidly into "crimes against humanity and punishable by death."

So keeping it to movies that are terrible but that I don't frequently equate to genocide, let's go with Transformers the Animated Movie. Or Power Rangers the Movie.

[Numberwang Host]

while claiming some sort of "win" for finding something indisputably atrocious.
God, Blue Streak sucks....
if you really going for bad bad bad movies you can just bring National Security
The most horrible movie possible is and will probably always be Meet the Spartans.
I have, on 3 seperate occasions, been forced by my friends to watch Paranormal Activity 2, The Road and Skyline.
The National Treasure movies were Nick Cage movies so there quality is given, but the sequel was just the worst.
The Last Airbender, Dragonball Evolution, and Eragon.
Pearl Harbor.
Ladykillers. This is incredibly boring.

Oh man. Like, I don't know if you guys didn't read the first post, or if most of you just don't get the fundamental difference between a bad-bad movie and a good-bad movie.

PROTIP: Life is short. Therefore, never watch anything that makes you regret time wasted. Most of the movies above are bad, sure, but they're bad in a way that has no redeeming factors. You just end up sitting through interminable stretches of nothing happening, and the film is that horrible amount of shoddy where its technically able to be watched but confers no enjoyment beyond what you could get from watching television static.* You will have no stories to tell afterwards beyond "Yeah, it was kind of boring and sucked."

*NOTE: This is all assuming that while you will be drinking, it will be an amount that leaves you buzzed or tipsy. If you routinely finish handles in two hours then go crazy with the suggestions, because alcohol is great and makes everything better.

Meanwhile, a truly atrocious movie, nay, a good-bad film is one that never stops being entertaining. The movies you should seek out provide constant entertainment, just not from anything that the filmmaker was actually going for. A good rule of thumb is that if you stripped down and started doing naked cartwheels in the middle of the viewing area nobody would pay any attention because you would only be the second-most bizarre thing happening in the room. These are films that you will talk about in hushed tones of reverence, unsure if your memory accurately captured the past because nothing like that could be allowed to exist.

Below is a list of films you should bring with you whenever your turn comes up. If your friends have already brought some of these then you will have confirmation that you will meet them again in heaven.

Big Money Rustlas - An Insane Clown Posse western. I'm just going to copy and paste a random paragraph from someone who set out to recap the movie.
A ghost with laser vision shows up in the town and uses his laser vision to blow up a wagon and an outhouse. (Screech from Saved by the Bell was inside the outhouse. "I didn't even get a chance to wipe!") The night watchman pees his pants. The sheriff is having sex with the little person but stops to face the ghost. Dirty Sanchez throws Sugar Wolf a mirror and Sugar Wolf reflects the ghost's laser vision back into his skull and kills him. It turns out this was Chips's assassin, Ghost. Big Baby Chips apparently has a ghost assassin.

The Wicker Man
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v332/princeshadowcat/WickerManBearSuitPunch2.gif

Southland Tales - The Southland Tales drinking game is as simple as it is effective.

1. Take one drink every time you see an American flag.

2. At any point in the movie, any viewer can point to another viewer and ask them to summarize what is going on in the scene they are currently watching. If the second viewer can't, they have to drink.

There are roughly infinity - 1 American flag sightings in the film, but rule number 2 ends up being the one that gives you cirrhosis.

Troll 2 - In some ways, the myths and retellings surrounding Troll 2 have almost overshadowed the film itself. (There's an excellent documentary by one of the stars about its afterlife on the bad film underground called Best Worst Movie, I believe) However, don't get worried that it's being overhyped. Troll 2 is truly a testament to how fucked up an output you can get when the film crew and actors speak different languages, there are no trolls, and a bizarre anti-vegetarian mindset is adhered to, naming just a few features.

Tango & Cash - All modern action movies can trace their lineage back to two 80's classics. Die Hard set the standard for the more respectable action flick: A likeable and capable hero who has to face off against a clever opponent that constantly raises the stakes of the conflict (See: post-reboot James Bond and Batman, Haywire, Hanna). The second strain was started by Tango & Cash: Reality is subservient to the plot, which exists only to propel our ostensible heros from fist fight to explosion to quip to sex scene. Although Die Hard has never been topped by its lineage**, Tango & Cash arguably has (See: Crank 2), but it stands supreme above almost all newcomers in how its inherent badness begins to circle back on itself into sublime enjoyment. Everybody is overacting, everything is super dated, and the movie ends with the heroes making their bust and high fiving alone in the middle of an abandoned warehouse, which then inexplicably becomes the front page image of the newspaper even though no one was there to take a picture (spoiler??). It is glorious.

**Ironically(??) enough, Die Hard's own sequels slowly drifted away from the original family line, until Live Free or Die Hard is firmly entrenched in the other bloodline.

Of course, the only reason I didn't condemn all of you is the fact that a few of you have seen the light, which leads us to the movie you have to either watch as soon as possible, or watch again as soon as possible.

The Room

The Room

The Room

First, watch it sober with friends, getting drunk off only the auteristic ridiculousness. Then, pick and choose among the many The Room drinking game rules and watch it again while implementing them. The Room stands above all other good-bad movies in how it reveals new aspects of itself upon repeat viewings and differing conditions, so try to vary the viewing parties as much as possible (I usually tried to have at least one or two complete The Room newbies every time we watched).

When you've exhausted every possible viewing combination, it's time to go to your closest indie/dollar theater and get them to set up a midnight screening of The Room. It couldn't hurt to send an email to Tommy Wiseau, he has literally nothing else going for him and will delight in travelling to wherever you are to introduce his movie and answer questions with bizarre non-sequiters and Shakespeare monologues. I'd say you should try to spread the word about the screenings, but it might be redundant; Those who want to go to a midnight screening of The Room will find a way. Get to know these people, because they are your new best friends: You will trade "CHEEP CHEEP CHEEPS" with them, you will throw spoons with them, and you will make them your groomsmen so that you have one more excuse to dress up in tuxedos and awkwardly throw around a football.

Trust me on this.

Numberwang!

[Flarecobra]

Well, seeing as what was requested was the worst movie possable... well...

[The Sevenshot Kid]

I'm standing by my Wing Commander recommendation.

[Amake]

Agony Booth (http://www.agonybooth.com/agonizer/Meet_the_Spartans_2008.aspx) put it best I think. It's a movie you should't watch even if you like watching bad movies. [...] If you're looking for a legitimately, offensively, actively horrible movie a step beyond the merely laughably bad it's a guaranteed winner.

The most horrible movie possible is and will probably always be Meet the Spartans.Oh man. Like, I don't know if you guys didn't read the first post, or if most of you just don't get the fundamental difference between a bad-bad movie and a good-bad movie.
Speaking of replying to posts without reading them. . .

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I'm standing by my Wing Commander recommendation.

Wing Commander is Das Boot in space. Don't be a fool.

[Numberwang Host]

Speaking of replying to posts without reading them. . .
Did you read the review you posted? Or your own post? Where you say that watching the movie is a waste of 70+ minutes? And then my post? Where I say that if you're looking for bad movies to watch with friends, you should try to watch movies that are actually fun, not just bad-bad and wastes of time?

Numberwang?

[Amake]

Yes, you, me and Agony Booth are all on the same side of this issue. I don't know what what we're even talking about it for. I guess it needs to be repeated in the strongest terms as a warning to all: Don't Watch Meet the Spartans.

[Numberwang Host]

We have a sort of contest going in which each of us tries to submit the most horrible movies possible so we can get drunk and make fun of them while claiming some sort of "win" for finding something indisputably atrocious.

So I thought it might be fun to let you guys take part, so to speak, by offering your own submissions.
From the first post. He is asking for good-bad movies that will be fun to watch with his friends. You are offering a movie that you say shouldn't be watched.

WE ARE ON OPPOSITE COINS

NUMBERWANG!

[Amake]

Or he's asking for indisputably atrocious movies that will win him the title. If it's for a bet to see how bad movies can actually get, you should totally watch Meet the Spartans. That's what I assume all bad-movie-watching traditions will ultimately come to anyway; if it's worth doing, it's worth taking to the limit.

Since I watched it, I haven't had any time for any bad movies anymore and I think it's made my life richer. It could be dangerous if you genuinely enjoy bad movies. I guess I keep posting about it in all these threads both as a warning and a challenge.

[Osterbaum]

Numberwang Host, you are dissapoint.

[Terex4]

Or he's asking for indisputably atrocious movies that will win him the title. If it's for a bet to see how bad movies can actually get, you should totally watch Meet the Spartans. That's what I assume all bad-movie-watching traditions will ultimately come to anyway; if it's worth doing, it's worth taking to the limit.
Yes, I'm looking for terrible movies to ultimately win a "shittiest movie ever" title, but at the same time, good-bad movies are fun too.

The primary purpose of this thread was to get a conversation rolling on bad films, not to start any kind of argument >.>. The submissions are only half the point. This thread turning from "give Terex ideas" to "lets discuss the worst movies we've ever seen in-depth spoilerama" wouldn't really be a derail.

Needless to say, I've gotten a lot of good ideas so far but I'm hesitant to do any actual research as I'm not armed with booze at the moment and I do place some value on my life =D.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

Six demerits to Numberwang.
Two demerits to Amake.

[Flarecobra]

I just remembered another one that should probably go on that list.

Kazaam. With Shaq.

[Ecks]

Mortal Kombat was a good-bad movie.

[Bells]

But only the first one.

The only one ever made.


...cause we don't talk about the other two. Because... fuck you, that's why.

[Terex4]

Wait...they made a third one?

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

I know right, that's just blown my mind.

[Fifthfiend]

The best bad movie is the Bollywood scene-for-scene* remake of There's Something About Mary


*but with added dance numbers

[Magus]

I just remembered another one that should probably go on that list.

Kazaam. With Shaq.

Just pretend it is a Saturday Morning Cartoon. (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=41011) Also I would also recommend Steel. You can't go and watch Kazaam without also watching Steel. Your mini Shaq-marathon is not complete without both films.

[Amake]

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (http://youtu.be/qdQts9i6wdI).

This is a real movie that exists (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2061869/).

You know what I said about Meet the Spartans ending bad movies for me? It's true. I haven't been able to enjoy bad movies for four years. But based on that trailer, I think we've found a cure.