Masturbation is Murder

[Terex4]

Oklahoma senator tries to declare sperm as people to make a point. (http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/02/07/dem-state-senator-appends-every-sperm-is-sacred-clause-to-ok-personhood-bill/)
The concept of “personhood” defines human life as beginning at the moment of conception and, in the case of Oklahoma’s pending Senate Bill 1433, says that the resulting fetus “at every stage of development (has) all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.” If Senate Bill 1433 were to become law, all forms of abortion and some forms of contraception would be considered murder and therefore illegal.

Sen. Johnson, who represents Oklahoma’s 48th District has introduced an amendment to the bill mandating that the same rights and benefits be granted to spermatozoa, writing, “However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.”

This would outlaw masturbation by men, anal sex, sex with condoms, all forms of fellatio to completion, as well as numerous other acts. She later withdrew the measure, but stated that she had inserted it to highlight the absurdity and sexism inherent in the current bill.
So, a senator in Oklahoma decided to put men on the defensive to illustrate how the abortion bill is an infringement on a woman's right to make decisions. I find it hilarious and brilliant. Don't worry, it didn't pass. You may wank with impunity.

This demonstrates the reaction men had rather well. (http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-april-11-2012/bro-choice)

[3stan]

I can't see that Daily Show clip, but I was reduced to tears of laughter just by the phrase 'bro-choice'.

[Thadius]

I can honestly say with a straight face as a man that we need more bullshit laws like this one.

The best way to show that you are infringing on the rights of one swath of people is to infringe right back, and then, when they defend themselves against your infringing bills, to go on the attack against their bills using their own arguments.

Of course, this requires that you have a lawmaker/mover/shaker that empathizes with you.

Really, I want to see more bullshit like this from DC.

Now if you'll pardon me, I have to go step on the grounds of a church and burst into flame.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

Masturbation is murder and holding hands is a gateway activity to sex. (http://www.wmctv.com/story/17353757/bill-would-define-holding-hands-kissing-as-gateway-sexual-activity)

[Ryong]

Masturbation is murder and holding hands is a gateway activity to sex. (http://www.wmctv.com/story/17353757/bill-would-define-holding-hands-kissing-as-gateway-sexual-activity)

...
How long 'til this

"High-fives lead to gay sex"

becomes an actual headline?

[Sifright]

Oklahoma senator tries to declare sperm as people to make a point. (http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/02/07/dem-state-senator-appends-every-sperm-is-sacred-clause-to-ok-personhood-bill/)

So, a senator in Oklahoma decided to put men on the defensive to illustrate how the abortion bill is an infringement on a woman's right to make decisions. I find it hilarious and brilliant. Don't worry, it didn't pass. You may wank with impunity.

This demonstrates the reaction men had rather well. (http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-april-11-2012/bro-choice)

I've always wanted to commit genocide personally now I can!

[Revising Ocelot]

A certain Monty Python song would be highly appropriate here.

[Arcanum]

I think this is that same Daily Show clip (http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart#clip654916) but available for Canadian viewers. Pretty hilarious.

[Osterbaum]

A certain Monty Python song would be highly appropriate here.
U0kJHQpvgB8

[The Republican]

Partisan politics wouldn't be the same without someone ridiculing the other sides' beliefs and ethics with a hyperbolic mockery of the law to make a childish point, would it?

Oh, you whacky lefties. ^_^

[Magus]

Partisan politics wouldn't be the same without someone ridiculing the other sides' beliefs and ethics with a hyperbolic mockery of the law to make a childish point, would it?

Oh, you whacky lefties. ^_^

I liked that time when the Democrats in the House all voted for the original Ryan budget plan last year and the Republicans had to hurriedly call back their own votes to keep it from going through, revealing that they themselves didn't like it but wanted to score cheap political points by pretending they were more fiscally conservative than their opponents.

[Nique]

Also The Republican's post would make more sense if this law was actually hyperbole in any sense.

[Magus]

Also The Republican's post would make more sense if this law was actually hyperbole in any sense.

Clearly saying life begins at ejaculation is way more hyperbolic than saying life begins at conception. There's, like, a multi-hour window between those two things.

[Fifthfiend]

You just don't undestand that the the sperm and the egg separately are totally different than the sperm and the egg together because of soul magic.

[Fifthfiend]

You just don't undestand that the the sperm and the egg separately are totally different than the sperm and the egg together because of soul magic soul music.


COiIC3A0ROM

[CABAL49]

Tons of sperm die during copulation. So that makes sex, even to produce kids, murder. No one is allowed to have sex ever again.

[Fifthfiend]

Sending sperms to die for the sake of having kids is okay because the government says so, like with war.

[Ecks]

And the hilarious part is, they profit from both.

[Art of Hilt]

Isn't sperm basically just, like

Half a person

According to christian logic at least

[Ecks]

No, see, Christian logic dictates that sperm are like magical seeds that are only supposed to touch the insides of a woman.

I believe I'm quoting something here but not sure: "Better your seed lie in a whore's belly than fall upon the ground."

[Ryanderman]

"Better your seed lie in a whore's belly than fall upon the ground."
That's not even remotely in the Bible.

[Kim]

Are you sure? There's so much wacky shit in there. Like apparently it says not to eat shellfish or something and I mean come on.

[Fifthfiend]

It's totally right here in this copy where I just scrawled it down next to my entries about dudes kissin' and women talking back to me.

[Art of Hilt]

I think I remember a passage about masturbation

Like, one of the evil kings did it, so it's bad because he did it. I think.

Or was it, some dude's brother died, so god told him to impregnate his brother's wife, and then he pulled out in the last minute and spilled his seed to the ground? And because he did that, it's taken as meaning that spilling seed IN GENERAL was bad, which included masturbation.

The old testament is wacky shit, it's such old-school mythology that's weird to deal with because so many people take it as fact even though it's so heavily reminiscent of ancient religions that are currently taken as nonsense. I mean, we all already know that, I'm just saying, so much of it reminds me of something you'd find in a Greek or Roman myth that it's jarring.

[CABAL49]

Yeah, I know about the pulling out. I know people say that is the reason masturbation is bad, but I kinda took it as fucking your brother's wife is awkward.

[Satan's Onion]

Yeah, I know about the pulling out. I know people say that is the reason masturbation is bad, but I kinda took it as fucking your brother's wife is awkward.

I might be wrong, but I seem to recall from my twelve years of religious education (my elementary school was Lutheran; my high school, Catholic) that the story of Onan requires a lot of context, most of which was lost over the centuries, in order to make sense to modern people. I think the reason Onan pulled out had to do with ancient inheritance law: he was in a position to get all his dead brother's stuff if his brother's widow died without an heir. While she was still around, however, Onan was obliged to give her an heir, who would inherit his dead brother's wealth. (Widows couldn't inherit stuff from their husbands, of course, because widows have vaginas, and back then nobody'd marry some destitute widow. But if she had an heir on the way, she'd kind of get to take care of the stuff--set up a household with it 'n' such--until that heir came of age.) In not giving her a baby, Onan was basically using her as a sex toy and stringing her along so he could get richer. Therefore, God killed him not for the pulling out itself, but because in doing so, he was being a cruel, selfish shitlord.

Again, it's been years since my Christian Studies classes, but that's how I remember it explained to me. If I'm wrong, anyone who knows better should correct me. As for the reasoning behind forbidding masturbation, fucked if I know.

[Marc v4.0]

I might be wrong, but I seem to recall from my twelve years of religious education (my elementary school was Lutheran; my high school, Catholic) that the story of Onan requires a lot of context in order to make sense to modern people, most of which was lost over the centuries. I think the reason Onan pulled out had to do with ancient Israelite inheritance law--he was in a position to get all his dead brother's stuff if his brother's widow died without an heir. While she was still around, she needed to make an heir with Onan to inherit his dead brother's wealth, and Onan was basically using her as a sex toy and stringing her along so he could get richer. So God killed him not for the pulling out itself, but because in doing so, he was being a cruel, selfish shitlord.

Again, it's been years since my Christian Studies classes, but that's how I remember it explained to me. If I'm wrong, anyone who knows better should correct me.

This is about right.

My more Fanatical Brothers and Sisters can't be fucked to bother with something as devilish as proper context, though.

[Terex4]

I believe I'm quoting something here but not sure: "Better your seed lie in a whore's belly than fall upon the ground."
That was Ron White's impression of his grandmother.

[Loyal]

Haha. Oh man. Bait taken. (http://www.pensitoreview.com/2012/04/19/pro-life-male-republican-sacred-sperm-bill-is-an-egregious-attack-on-personal-liberties-from-the-government/)

[Japan]

Sorry after that Al Green post I had to go make sweet love and didn't finish the rest of the thread.

But yeah, I'm torn on my reaction to this. On the one hand I appreciate the fine irony of men being put on the back foot for once, on the other hand I don't know how much more of a mockery our legal system can become before I seriously go grab a sign and start marching somewhere.

[shiney]

Haha. Oh man. Bait taken. (http://www.pensitoreview.com/2012/04/19/pro-life-male-republican-sacred-sperm-bill-is-an-egregious-attack-on-personal-liberties-from-the-government/)

Read site name as Penisto Review.

Not helping.

[Aerozord]

I still hold that if masturbation is murder, than blowjobs are cannibalism

[rpgdemon]

Only if they swallow.