Let's review movies

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I'm watching lots of movies- Imma review them. You can do.
Donnie Darko: Primer if it sucked. 0
Suburbia: Clerks plus Ulysses. 1
On the Road: Badlands shot by a computer. 1

[A Zarkin' Frood]

What scale are you using? Is it a shittiness scale? Where 0 is the least shitty and 10 the most shitty? And all of those movies are considered shitty by you and you just reserve the higher scores for Coen movies? I'm not sure, please explain your ratings system.

On a scale from 0 to 10 where 0 is a little shitty and 10 is fucking disgusting
The Big Lebowski: So fucking boring to watch - 6
Fargo: No Country for Old Men but with snow instead of sand and has a woodchipper - 10
No Country for Old Men: Fargo but with sand instead of snow and a psycho with a gimmicky weapon - 9
Avatar: It looks nice, I guess. Actually it hurts my eyes and the story is boring as shit, also it's way too long even in the shortest cut - 6

Note: I lowered The Big Lebowski from a 8 to a 5 because it's actually better than Avatar.

[Odjn]

how about you rate stuff you like for once, barrelhead?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I am using the SmartyScale (tm). It has 2 points
0- Not worth your time
1- Worth your time.
This is not a direct indicator of quality, I can dislike a film and give it a 1- it is an indicator of whether the film challenges itself and has some factor to recommend a watch.
the worst movie ever made Fight Club gets a 1 on the SmartyScale.

More reviews of recent films:
The Shooting- Less acid but more western than El Topo 1
Oceans 12- Did they forget they were making a movie? 0
The Five Obstructions- How to fight internet trolling if you are a classic film director 1

[A Zarkin' Frood]

That's actually a surprisingly good rating system. I much prefer it over the 5 out of 5 bullshit so many professionals embrace.

[Osterbaum]

Maybe it would best in conjunction with a 1-10 system. Like you give a movie a 3 to symbolize that it's crap but also a one to symbolize that you should still watch it.

[Nique]

I am in love with smarty's rating system.

Real Steal: The Champ + Transformers, heavy on the Transformers. Almost certainly a 0 (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1145203&postcount=8).

The Dark Knight Rises: Legend of Korra in that it fails at social commentary in almost exactly the same way + basically any other movie that fetishizes police and/or the military. Still pretty much a 1.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

I think adding a ten point rating system would be besides the point, because then you'd have expectations. Even a shitty movie can be enjoyable if you don't expect much of it. Smarty's system is ace, and everyone should use it.

[phil_]

My Neighbor Totoro: Nothing really happens, but it's pretty and catbus is the best idea ever. Still, nothing happens. Ratings are how THE MAN gets you.

[CABAL49]

I like how Smarty rates movies I haven't seen, with other movies I haven't seen.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Nah a quality rating would dilute my numeric purity- I sum up the quality in my sweet reviews.

Here's some more I've seen recentely:

The Dark Knight Rises: Rise of a Nation Part 2. 1
The Man from Earth: My Dinner with Andre but with timetravel. 1
Rocky 4: ROCKY 4. 2

[Geminex]

Rocky 4: ROCKY 4. 2

ERROR ERROR

[Magus]

PAUL VERHOEVEN EDITION

In order for Smarty to understand these reviews, they have been placed into their proper socio-political-historical contexts.

Robocop: Robot-Lenin Vs. Mecha-Hitler. 1
Starship Troopers: Mecha-Hitler Vs. Robot-Lenin. 1
Basic Instinct: Mercader Stone Vs. Trotsky Douglas. 1
Total Recall: The Ludlow Strike Massacre. 1

[Professor Smarmiarty]

that is the best reviewing. You other shuts need to pick up your game.

[Bum Bill Bee]

Harold and Maude: A 1970's Prototype goth with lots o' Cat Stevens songs. 1.

The Spirit: The visual style and Samuel Jackson's role are the only things it had going for it. 0.


I'll see if I can think of some others.

[Magus]

FILM NOIR EDITION

Casablanca: Nazis like to get drunk too. 1
Killer's Kiss: Stanley Kubrick minus Stanley Kubrick. 1
The Long Goodbye: Where's my goddamn cat? 2
Chinatown: Forget it, Jake. There will be a forgettable (yet possibly superior) sequel (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Two_Jakes) to wrap this shit up. 1

[rpgdemon]

I am sensing inflation. Soon you'll be using a gradient of values.

[Magus]

I am sensing inflation. Soon you'll be using a gradient of values.

rpgdemon's comment: Critical and pedantic. 0

[rpgdemon]

rpgdemon's comment: Critical and pedantic. 0

So, translated to today's scale, a 9.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

Maybe on IGN.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Curiosity Mars Landing: If I wanted to look at roiling pink landscapes I'd spank some bottoms 0
The Olympics- Nowhere else can you get such an utter crystalissation of the sight of homeless babies crying in the gutter 1

[Magus]

So, translated to today's scale, a 9.

8.5 but let's not split hairs.

[Bum Bill Bee]

The Crew- Old men trying to become gangsters again. 1.

The Goonies- I just don't effing get it >:(. 0.

Breakfast of Champions- I've seen WW2 documentaries funnier than this. 0.

The Graduate- The Simon and Garfunkle songs were the only good part. 0.

Carnival of Rust Music Video- Very deep and sppoky!. 1.

[Magus]

You don't get the Goonies? Honestly? It isn't some pretentious artfilm bullshit or something. I hope you are merely being facetious with these scores for The Graduate and such, Mr. Funnyman!

We'll need to have a topic for reviewing each other's reviews if this keeps up.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

Maybe he doesn't get why people think the Goonies is a movie they like to watch. Maybe he views it with the same eyes I view Fargo. I simply ask myself the question, why would anyone want to fucking see this shit? The smell of rotten plague dung that poisons your soul would be more uplifting but not even Steve Buscemi could make it better, much like Fargo. And why do people even like the Coens? Their style is pretty much just boring and their movies too shallow and samey to work with shitty film making. I mean, if you had to watch any Coen movie I'd say watch No Country for Old Men. It's still shit, but it's better than Fargo, in fact, it is Fargo only slightly less grimdark. Maybe read the book it's based on instead, though. Maybe that's not shit because the Coens ruined it with their stupid-ass film making. Also, The Big Lebowski is shit, but at least it's better than Avatar, but maybe I only say that because I really hate Avatar. It's not even a Coen movie so it's kind of a surprise I hate it that much.

[Bum Bill Bee]

O Brother Where Art Thou is my personal favorite Coen flick. I'd give that a 1 any day. Mostly for the music, cow killing and Odyssey stuff.

And yeah, I should get my butt on seeing Fargo some day, amoung other stuff.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

I hear O Brother sucks significatly less than other Coen movies. I haven't seen it though. All I have seen get a 0.

[Magus]

COEN BROTHERS MOVIES EDITION

Raising Arizona: Son, you got a panty on yer head. 1
Miller's Crossing: WHAT HEART? 2
Barton Fink: One man's struggle with mosquitoes. 0?!!?
The Hudsucker Proxy: You know. For kids. 2
Fargo: Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare tool around Minneapolis in this madcap comedy. You'll laugh yourself silly! 1
The Big Lebowski: "VE ARE NIHILISTS, LEBOWSKI. VE BELIEVE IN NOTHING!" 1
O, Brother, Where Art Thou?: You boys are about as smart as a sack of hammers. 0?!!?
The Man Who Wasn't There: He needs dry cleaning...FOR HIS SOUL. 2
Intolerable Cruelty: MERELY INTOLERABLE. 0?!!?
The Ladykillers: SUBTLE WORDING. 1
No Country For Old Men: Two-Face vs. Existentialism. 1
Burn After Reading: Oh god shut the fuck up. 0
A Serious Man: SERIOUSLY GUYZ. 0
True Grit: My jinx is occupied. I had prior bend it. There is no QUARK on my BEND IT! (http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6383545/true-grit-with-subtitles) 1

[Professor Smarmiarty]

What the fuck have you dudes done to my rating system- what are all these 2s. this is why we can't have nice things

[Geminex]

What the fuck have you dudes done to my rating system- what are all these 2s. this is why we can't have nice things

You started it you know
this is just proof, once you stray from the path, doom is inevitable

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Your rules can't contain me.

[Magus]

What the fuck have you dudes done to my rating system- what are all these 2s. this is why we can't have nice things

Smarty's comment: Hyperbolic and judgmental. 0

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I made a one-off joke in which I mocked the ridiculousness of other review systems and you used that as justification for mass chicanery and fraud

[Geminex]

I made a one-off joke in which I mocked the ridiculousness of other review systems and you used that as justification for mass chicanery and fraud

Hyperbolic ramblings dreamt up by what can only be a syphillitic brain
unique in its depravity
1

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Annie: Money fixes everything. 0

[Magus]

I made a one-off joke in which I mocked the ridiculousness of other review systems and you used that as justification for mass chicanery and fraud

Smarty's comment about my comment about Smarty's comment: vapid and intellectually unsound. 0.4

[Krylo]

I am sensing inflation. Soon you'll be using a gradient of values.

Smarty's comment about my comment about Smarty's comment: vapid and intellectually unsound. 0.4

Look at what you have wrought, Magus.

Look upon it and despair.

[Magus]

FOR I AM BECOME INFLATION, DESTROYER OF REVIEWS

[Magus]

The Town: A fucking terrible movie. 0

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Total Recall 2012: Original totall recall minus anything good 0

[Ecks]

Avengers: Several people with sociopathic issues break shit and save the day from space invaders. 1

[Meister]

JIM JARMUSCH EDITION

Stranger than Paradise - A man travels from New York to Florida via Ohio and nothing happens. 1
Down By Law - A quite good joke on the viewer. 1
Night on Earth - On a larger scale than in Stranger than Paradise, slightly more happens, but not much. 1
Dead Man - The best comedy of errors. 1
Ghost Dog - Jarmusch goes mainstream. 1
Coffee and Cigarettes and The Limits of Control - basically the same thing except the latter is one chapter of the former on repeat and then the joke from Down By Law. 1, 1

Bonus David Lynch:
Inland Empire - holy shit guys this digital camera, wow this is awesome. 0

[Professor Smarmiarty]

You missed some:
Permanent Vacation- You'll need a permanent vacation to get through this one 1
Mystery Train- The mystery of how to train together Italian, English and Japanese styles is solved heartily. About as much about trains as trainspotting 1
Broken Flowers- Double down on the mainstream, Don Juan starring a broken Bill Murray robot, the mainstream bluff lowers this to nonsense paff 1
I'll be here all night!

[Meister]

I couldn't think of a snappy oneliner for the last two :(

But while we're at it Only Lovers Left Alive what the fuck, vampires, nevermind Ghost Dog in terms of going mainstream, not out yet but almost certainly 1

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Neither could I so I just rammed the titles into my review becaause that is comedy!

A Scanner Darkly- An accurate reflection of life on drugs-crawing with bugs and Winona Ryder won't let you bang her 1

[Odjn]

Someone else has seen broken flowers?

[mauve]

Cinderella- Moral of the story: The best way to leave a relationship wherein you are being used for another person's gain is to find someone YOU can use for your OWN gain. Also magic.--0

Key Largo-- Gangsters are afraid of hurricanes; Bogart kills gangsters; ergo Bogart > hurricanes. --1

Toy Story 3-- A story about a bunch of toys locked in a daycare center that will inevitably make you cry. WHY IS THAT. --1

Up-- A story about an old man and a boy scout trying to land a house on a waterfall that will inevitably make you cry. WHY IS THAT.--1

Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents: The Final Sacrifice-- ROWWWSDOOOWWERRRR!!!! --1

[Magus]

The Bourne Legacy: This is Jeremy Renner's Brain. This Jeremy Renner's Brain on the blue crystal meth from Breaking Bad. OR, Now with pseudo Paul Greengrass shaky cam! 1
Savages: Oliver Stone smokes pot, hallucinates he is Quentin Tarantino for two hours. 1

[Oron]

Well, most of the good movies have been listed. So, what strange movies have I seen lately...?

Underworld - One of those vampire/werewolf series that's not Twilight. Saw some of Rise of the Lycans, which spins a bit of Romeo and Juliet into the conflict between vampires and werewolves. Transformation animations are corny. 1

Dragonball: Evolution - Watching the first twenty seconds of that movie will make you giggle. Actual actors in a Dragonball movie? Who thought that was a good idea? It's basically like any action game/series-become-movie. Really corny and not exactly true to the source. 0

[Magus]

Dragonball: Evolution --

When I wake up in the morning
And the 'larm gives out a warning
I don't think I'll ever make it on time
By the time I grab my books,
And I give myself a look,
I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by
It's alright ''cause I'm saved by the DRAGONBALLS

0

[A Zarkin' Frood]

Wild Zero: Low budget zombie flick with a rock n' roll theme: 1
300: Naked men hitting each other first at full speed than in slo mo then at full speed again. But other than that nothing happens: 0
Shoote em up: It's an action movie as shallow as it can be. There is no pretense that the plot serves as anything but an excuse for firefights: 1

[Meister]

I'm still kicking myself over spotting Wild Zero in a supermarket, of all places, years ago and not picking it up. It was like €5!

[Magus]

Shoot 'Em Up: Clive Owen bitches about gun control for two hours. 0

[Odjn]

Brick: Film noir whodunit murder mystery revenge story in drug underworld. Set in high school. 1.

The Limits of Control: Art movie about art being really cool and non art being lame. Silent criticism of science, terrible Bill Murray dialogue, American bashing, implausible assassinations. Nice wardrobe. 0

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Brick: Film noir whodunit murder mystery revenge story in drug underworld. Set in high school. 1.

The Limits of Control: Art movie about art being really cool and non art being lame. Silent criticism of science, terrible Bill Murray dialogue, American bashing, implausible assassinations. Nice wardrobe. 0

Rereviewed:
Brick: Mumble mumble mumble? MUMBLE MUMBLE MUMBLE! Only see if mumbling gets you off 0

Limits of control: All the fun of people watching from a coffee shop in Spain without having to leave your couch 1

[Odjn]

I will agree with this on the condition you edit all the dialogue out of the Limits of Control and turn the volume down on Brick. The fuck, smarty. My 70 year old dad with hearing problems could make out Brick, stop doing ear drugs.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I am not even exaggerating for comic effect- I honestly 100% don't know what happened in Brick because I couldn't nderstand 90% of what they were saying- not that their dialogue was too stylised for me, I couldn't hear the individual words or anything.
Like maybe I was real blasted but I don't think I was.
Not sure why we didn't chuck the subtitles on.

[Ecks]

NPF: a bunch of doofuses rate movies with an awesome scale; hilarity ensues. 1

[Magus]

Silver Bullet: Gary Busey's face versus a werewolf. Who is the real villain? 1
The Stand: M-O-O-N, that spells super-flu. 1

[A Zarkin' Frood]

Reservoir dogs: Some dude lies bleeding on the floor - 1
Saw: Three dudes lie on the floor. One of them is done bleeding - 1
Saw 2 through Saw 6 or 7 I think: Suddenly shifts genre to torture horror and appears more like a shitty TV show with two hour long episodes - 0
Planet Terror: It's like a zombie movie but more ridiculous - 1
Sin City: Fuck Frank Miller - 0
Clockwork Orange: Terrible synthesized versions of classical music every second scene - 1
Fight Club: Explosions while Where Is My Mind plays - 1
Inception: Plot lacks layers - 0
Blade Runner: I must have watched the wrong one of the 1000 cuts or it's really that mediocre - 0
Natural Born Killers: Drug trip from safety of sobriety - 1
Oldboy: Maker of this film hates teeth - 1
Fargo: Just because it's shit doesn't mean it's art - 0

[Intern Nin]

Starcrash: A cheesy, sci-fi film from the 70's featuring some really awful special effects, a southern fried robot, Deus Ex Machina out the wazoo, a female lead who wears a different outfit every scene, torpedoes loaded with soldiers, sabers with blades made of light, and an evil space station with fireman's poles. 1

Superman vs the Elite: "Not bad for a guy who just kicks the snot out of wankers." -Superman 1

All-Star Superman: Supes is now more powerful than he's every been and he has only a year left to live. Luthor is on death row and everything's going according to his master plan. Jimmy Olsen just enjoys wearing women's clothing. 1

Rango: A movie for people who love westerns, film noir, Woody Allen-esque comedy, and Johnny Depp's weird Kermit the Frog sounding scream. 1

Stardust: I'm still upset that they cut out the lion and unicorn fighting to the death for the crown. 1

[A Zarkin' Frood]

All-Star Superman: Takes the comic book and ruins it with shoddy acting and by cutting out more than half of it. Yet, it is very short so you'd not be able justify the cuts. - 0

[Amake]

Dolan's Cadillac: Does a good job of spinning Stephen King's short story into a feature film. Despite the entire cast acting like buffoons - particularly Christian Slater's cartoon villain Dolan - or maybe because of it, the story becomes very funny and gets in some great unsettling moments. I nearly jumped at Dolan's creative version of the horse's-head-in-the-bed trick. Score: Six maniacal laughs.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Of all the Chinese kung fu movies that have impressed the west with curious plot twists, gorgeous dreamlike landscapes and magical battles in the last twelve years, this is the first. And it shows. Score: Two bendy swords.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

The Pervert's guide to cinema- You like lacan? You like zizek? You still won't like this 0.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

The Devil, Probably-SMARTY THE MOVIE- Young man spends his time trying out politics, religion, romance- decides it all shit so he shoots himself, fin. 1

[walkertexasdruid]

Wrath of the Titans: Take Clash of the Titans, add in pretty special effects and horrible writing, and make a crappy sequel. -0