Jokes/Riddles thread!

[Gilgamesh in a Hat]

How funny are you? post your favorite Jokes or Riddles here!

To any Mods that come here, are are blonde/fat jokes ok or are they bad as any racist comment?

First off, Algeria (my home country) has a crime rate higher than New York and Detroit combined. that being said, here is my joke.

An Egyptian guy, a French guy, and an Algerian guy are all flying on a plane. After a while the french guy sez "I think we are over my country" the others respond "how can you tell?" "Well" he sez "I can see the Efile Tower."

So they keep flying

Then after a while the Egyptian guy sez "I think we are over my country"

"how can you tell?"

"Well I can see Pyramids."

And they keep flying.

Then finally the Algerian guy sez "you know? I think we are over my country"

"how can you tell?"

He sticks his hand out the window of the plane, pulls it back in, and his watch is gone.

[My Lead Airbag]

What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

What's the difference between a football and a dead baby? Footballs don't pop when I stab them.

What's worse than a pile of 50 dead babies? A pile of 100 dead babies. What's worse than that? There's a live baby on the bottom. What's worse than that? He has to eat his way out.

How do you get 100 dead babies into a barrel? Blender.
How do you get them out? Doritos.

[Lost in Time]

Random Joke of the day!

An elderly couple suffering from deteriorating memory signed up for a power memory class to improve their memories. The power memory method taught them to remember things by associating these with familiar objects. After completing the 5-day course, the old man was discussing the merits of the course with a neighbor in his backyard.

The old man claimed, "Signing up for that power memory class was one of the best things I've ever done."

The neighbor asked, "So who was your instructor?"

"Well, lemme see," said the old man. "What do you, ahhh, call that flower that smells nice but, ummm, has those thorns..."

"A rose?" volunteered the neighbor.

"Yeah, right!" nodded the old man who then turned towards his house and yelled, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of the instructor in our power memory class?"

[Zweihander]

What's worse than a pile of 50 dead babies? A pile of 100 dead babies. What's worse than that? There's a live baby on the bottom. What's worse than that? He has to eat his way out.

What's worse than that? He's going back for seconds.

[BlackMageGirl!]

What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a muck sucking bottom feeder....and the other's a fish! :P

[Lost in Time]

What's the differance between Meat and Fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies.

Sorry... what a wrong joke.

[Zweihander]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two! One to screw in the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis.






LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!!!

[My Lead Airbag]

Somebody read PvP today. You want lightbulb jokes, you got em.

How many armies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up without really trying, the Italians to start, get nowhere and try again from the other side, the Americans to finish off the job and then claim credit for the whole thing, and the Swiss to pretend that nothing happened.

How many straights from Los Angeles does it take to change a lightbulb?
Both of them.

How many New Yorkers to change a lightbulb?
201: One to change it, 200 to stand watching without doing anything to try to stop it.

How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, but they're really only One.

How many "pro-choicers" does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to screw in the bulb and four to march through Washington protesting that the lightbulb has a constitutional right to choose when it wants to be lit.

How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a lightbulb?
6: Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: one to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder.

How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb?
About one third less than for a regular bulb.

How many country and western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.

[Gilgamesh in a Hat]

What do you do if a blonde throws a granade at you? pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? run for your life she has a granade in her mouth.

Two blondes were walking in a field when they came to some tracks, one said they were moose tracks, the other said they were deer tracks, they kept arguing until the train hit them.

[Gorefiend]

I live in Ecuador (whoa, big news flash for most!) and, the crime rate is pretty high to. Especially the notorious crime rate. By this I mean, crime that everyone knows about, like the corruption of our president, or the nepotism in Guayaquil. Also, it's hot like hell here. Anyways, on with the jokes!

President Bush, Tony Blair and Lucio Gutierrez (president of Ecuador, lying scumbag...) all die. They go, inevitably, to hell (just bear with me, Bush supporters or Blair supporters...? joke's not on you). Bush decides to call home to find out what's up in good old America. So, he asks the devil how much to use the one Payphone in Hell. He replies 999 trillion dollars, US, per minute. Bush agrees and painstakingly gets the major officers to summarize quickly. He pays up, and thanks the devil for the bad service.

He finds Tony, his old mate on Earth, and asks him what's up. Tony tells him he's been wondering about how England is doing. George tells him about the phine, and Blair amkes his call, for twice as many Pounds Sterling (I'd use the Euro sign, but my computer doesn't have it.)

Then, they both find Lucio Gutierrez, and he, too, wants to call home, so he goes to the devil and asks him to use the phone. He talks for hours and hours on end. When he comes out, total charge, $2 US (we use US dollars now, after a complete collapse of the economy) Bush and Blair are shocked to hear this. They go to the devil and ask him why the special treatment. He answers "From hell to hell, it's a local call."

[Gilgamesh in a Hat]

Your mamma's so fat...

She had to be babtized at sea-world.

When God said "let there be light" he told her to move out of the way.

Her blood type is Rocky Road.

her alma mater is KFC

[Thanatos]

I had to break up with my girlfriend last night. She called me a pedafile. Thing is, that's an awfully big word for a four year old.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and the other is used to carry groceries.

How can you tell when it's bed time at the neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand.

How are old people and babies alike? They are both fun to throw form moving vehicles.

Two men are walking down the street. The first walks into a bar the second one ducks.

How do you get two oboes to play in tune? Shoot one of them.

What's worse than a clarinet? Two clarinets.

What do you call people that hang around musicians? Drummers

A soprano and an alto fall from the top of the Empire State Building, who hits first? Who cares!

How can you tell a drummer is at your front door? The knocking slows down.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.

``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.

``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she.

``Did he have class?'' said the friend.

The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''

``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.

``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!''

[Illuminatus]

How do you get two oboes to play in tune? Shoot one of them.

What's worse than a clarinet? Two clarinets.

What do you call people that hang around musicians? Drummers

A soprano and an alto fall from the top of the Empire State Building, who hits first? Who cares!

How can you tell a drummer is at your front door? The knocking slows down.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.

``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.

``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she.

``Did he have class?'' said the friend.

The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''

``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.

``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!''

NERD! BAND NERD! NERD!

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but the question is, how'd they get in there?

[Lost in Time]

A Priest, a rapist, and a pedafile walk into the bar... and that's just the first guy!

A blond crashed into a side of a building, when she came out she was putting on her makeup, waiting for the near by policeman to come up.
When that cop came up to her, he asked, "What the hell happened here?!"
She replied, "Well, I was driving along, putting my make up on and then I look up and see a tree in my way, so I swerve to the left, but theres another tree there, so I swerve back to the right, but there's ANOTHER tree so I swerve the left again and then I chrashed into this wall."
The cop thought for awhile and then said. "Ma'am, there isn't a tree for 30 miles of here, you where staring at your Pine Tree Car Freshener hanging from your Rear View Mirror."

And finally....
How do you piss off an archectict?
You give him a used tampon and tell him what period it came from.

[Gilgamesh in a Hat]

A famous soccar goalie is know for being able to catch anything that comes at him. Well for one week straight he is unable to catch anything. So to relax he goes on a vacation, but as soon as he gets off the plane, he sees a building that is on fire! So he goes to watch and at the fifth floor a fireman is holding a baby asking for someone to catch it. Well, the peole at the scene recognize him and convince him to try. The fire man lets go of the baby!......AND HE CATCHES IT! the crowd cheers but the first thing he does, he drops it, and kicks it across the street.

RIDDLE TIME!

A man is hicking through the woods and he comes to a cabin. He goes inside and finds every one dead. What happened?

Answer![The plane crashed]Answer!

I know of a word of letters three,
add two, and fewer there will be!
what is the word?

Answer![the word is "few"Answer!

[rightwhatwasidoing?]

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

The wierd thing is, I play the trombone, and my best friend plays the french horn. So, ya know, it was extra funny to me....(and so true as well!)

Anywho...

Your momma's so fat, taht when she sat down in class, she sat next to EVERYBODAY!!!

your momma's so fat she's OBESE!!

your momma's so ugly, that when people walk up to you on the street, they say "Damn!! Your momma's ugly!"


Now an actual joke:
(You've probably all heard this one before)

there is the Dahli Llama, Bill Clinton, and michael jackson on a plane with a thousand babies. It suffers severe damage, is on fire, and is about to crash into some mountains. There are only three parachutes.

Bill says: "We have to get out of here!!"

Dahli replies: "But, but what about the children?!"

Bill says: "Screw the children!!'

jackson says: "Yes, but do we have time?"

[Thanatos]

NERD! BAND NERD! NERD!

I'm not a band nerd. I'm a choir geek!!!!

What do you see when you look up a sopranos dress? A tenor
What's the difference between a soprano and a porche? Not every musician has been inside a Porche

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

[TheSpiritOfVengance]

No offense to any one here

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the Hatch.

[The_Phat_G]

In order for this to be funny, you'll need to sing it out loud while you read it. Be forewarned, this joke will make you feel bad for laughing at it, but I still couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the day after I heard this the first time.

*to the tune of Yankee Doodle*
Hellen Keller went to town a ridin' on a pony
Stuck a feather in her cap and called it
"OOOOWWWNNGGHHHWAAANGHH" <==(unintelligable deaf-mute noise)

Edit: I just noticed those lightbulb jokes on the first page. I've got one for ya.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I dunno how they got in there!

[Astral Harmony]

A blonde goes into a sex toy shop and asks for a dildo. The shopkeeper tells her to choose from the varieties on the wall. The blonde asks for the red one. The shopkeeper apologies and says that the red one is a fire extinguisher.

A blonde goes into a shoe store in Louisiana ["No offense in this joke to people from Lousiana. It's about the alligators you have there."] and asks for a pair of alligator shoes. The shopkeeper says they're $200. The blonde is outraged and says she'll go out there and get some for herself for free. The shopkeeper is obviously skeptical and goes to the river to see that the blonde has taken out dozens of alligators and laid them in a nice pile on the side of the river. She pops above the river surface with another unconscious and checks it. "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes, either!" she laments.

A blonde is driving really fast and is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The police officer asks for the driver's license. The driver searches her purse but can't find it. She asks what a driver's license is. The police says that it's something with her picture on it. The driver searches her purse again and finds her makeup compact, which has a mirror. She can see herself in the mirror and assumes it's her license so she hands it to the police officer. The police officer takes one look at it, sighs, hands it back, and says "Look, if you had told me you were a police officer from the start, we could've avoided this whole mess."

This blonde calls her boyfriend up and complains about a puzzle. The boyfriend asks what the picture is supposed to be once the puzzle is assembled. The blonde says it is supposed to be a tiger. The boyfriend agrees to help, and goes to her house. He takes one look at the box the puzzle came in and one look at the pieces scattered on the table. Then he looks at his girlfriend and says "Look. There's no way this puzzle, once it's done, will be a tiger. Now put all those Frosted Flakes back in the box and let's go to Bojangles."

One of my personal favorites:
A young blonde girl is about to go on her first date. Her mother warns her about boys. "First, if he wants to hold your hand, you tell him that your hands are made of fragile glass and will break if he touches them. Secondly, if he wants to give you a kiss, tell him that your lips are really soft and bruise easily. Finally, tell him if he wants to have sex with you that your pussy is really, really hot like an oven and that he'll burn himself if he tries to have sex with you." The girl listened closely and heeded her mother's advice, and went out on the date. When she returned, she was taken aside by her mother and asked about how it went.
Girl: "Well, at first he wanted to hold my hand, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to hold my hand, it would break like fragile glass."
Mother: "Hmph. I figured he would try to hold your hand. What happened next?"
Girl: "Well, some time after that, he wanted to kiss me, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to kiss me, that my lips would bruise because they were really soft."
Mother: "Ah, I knew he would try to kiss you. What happened after that?"
Girl: "Well, some time after that, he wanted to have sex with me, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to have sex with me, that my pussy was really, really hot and would burn him like an oven."
Mother: "Heh heh! I knew he would try something like that! And how did he respond?"
Girl: "Well, he told me that he had this big piece of sausage that he wanted to cook and could really use my hot oven to cook it for him. So while he was cooking his sausage, he brought it out a couple of times so that I could taste test it for him to see if it was cooked well enough."

(bows)

Two blondes are watching a movie.
Blonde 1: "Hey, this guy next to me is jerking off!"
Blonde 2: "Eh. Just ignore him."
Blonde 1: "I can't! He's using my hand."

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What's worse than a dead baby in a barrel? Ten dead babies in ten barrels. And worse than that? Ten dead babies in one barrel. And worse than that? One dead baby in ten barrels.

Another of my personal favorites:
This one guy has finally gathered enough money to buy the motorcycle that he's always wanted. When he goes to buy the motorcycle, the dealer informs him that should it rain, rub Vaseline on the body of the motorcycle to protect it from rust. The dealer hands him a canister of Vaseline and the guy takes his motorcycle out for a ride. Well, his girlfriend calls up and invites him to dinner. He's excited because this is the first time he's ever gone to her house to eat before. He meets her at her house and she informs him that when they have dinner, the first person who talks has to do the dishes. With this warning in mind, the guy goes inside with his girlfriend and finds that there are dirty dishes everywhere! Crowded on the couch, piles into the corners, on the television...I mean, everywhere! Well, they sit down to dinner, the guy, his girlfriend, the girl's mother and father. They're all very, very quiet. The guy suddenly has a good idea and he kisses his girlfriend at the table. They say nothing. He decides to fondle her breasts. Still, they say nothing. Then he goes all out and has sex with his girlfriend right on the table in front of her parents. And still, after that, nobody says anything! In his mind, the guy sizes up his girlfriend's mother. She has a really nice body, he thinks, so he takes his girlfriend's mother and has his way with her totally. He has her in every conceivable way. And still, when he's done his deed of outward sin, they say nothing. The father is fuming. The mother is shocked. The girlfriend feels betrayed. Suddenly, the sound of thunder flashes outside. Worried about his motorcycle, the guy stands up and takes out the canister of Vaseline the dealer gave him. The father quickly backs away and shouts "All right! All right! I'll do the goddamn dishes!"

[RavenDrake]

I beg forgiveness in advance, I'm a thoroughly unrepentant paronomasiaist. :p

Horse walkes into a bar. Bartender looks up and says "Hey, why the long face."
-

A bit of string walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter and says "Hey, gimme a drink". Bartender says "Piss off, we don't serve strings here!" and throws him out. Undaunted, he wraps himself into a tangle, and splays out the threads at his ends. He hops back into the bar, leaps up on the stool and says "Hey! Gimme a drink". Bartender says, "Hey, arent you that string I just threw out of here?" The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

-

A sandwitch, a bag of chips, and a can of soda walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Clear off you lot, we don't serve lunch here."

-

Mans walking out in the fields of Scotland on vacation. It's lovely there, and he's just admireing the scenery. He hears grunting and moaning and looks over to see a man banging a sheep. Mortified, he dosen't know what to say, and the farmer banging the sheep just looks at him and keeps going. At a loss for what to say, the man just utters "...So, uh... back home we used to shear those." To which the farmer replies "Bloody 'ell, I'm not shearing this with anybody!"

-
(this joke works best told in your thickest Irish brogue)
Fellow walks into a bar in Ireland, and he tells the bartender "I want a drink, but I'm stone broke." "Then you get nothing," replies the bardenter. The man thinks for a minute, and says "Say, sure'an if I could show ya something you've never seen before, It'd be worth a free drink." "Ha!" the bartender replied, "I've been eveywhere and done everthing. If you can show me something I've enver seen before, I'll give ya a weekend of free drinks". Smiling, the first man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny man in a tuxedo, only a foot high! The bartender, thinking it's a doll, is surprise to see this tiny man walk down the bar, and grab up a peanut and start eating it. "But that's brilliant!" the bartender says. "That's nothing," replies the man, "Watch this!". So saying, he pulls a tiny piano from his pocket. The little man runs over, and sits down. Imediately, the most beautiful, haunting classical piano music fills the bar. Everyone is stunned. The bartender hands the man a bottle of his finest whiskey and says, "Drink up, lad! You've earned it! But tell me, please... where did you ever find somethign like this?" "Well," the man replied, "It all started several years ago. I was walking the seashore near me home, when I found a beautiful glass jar. Opening the jar, a wee fairie did emerge! In return for freeing her, she granted me a wish.... but it seems she was a bit hard of hearing." "What makes you think that?" The bartender says. "Well, how else do you think I wound up with a 12 inch pianist?"

-

For your sanity's sake, I refuse to subject you to the "Daisy the Moth" joke. :)

[Astral Harmony]

No, please! I want to hear it!

Bring out the chauvinist pig jokes:

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.

What's the problem when your woman is in the living room? You didn't make the chain long enough.

Why did the woman cross the road? Fuck that. What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

Me: "Now, you know I don't endorse chauvinistic actions. I respect women far more than I do myself."

Why did the M&M's factory fire all of their blonde workers? They kept throwing away the W's.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job? After ten years, your job still sucks.

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? When you lay the brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

A college professor is known for having a really foul mouth and a brunt attitude. His lectures are a real hit with the guys, but the ladies in his class have had it and have planned to walk out on his class if he keeps it up tomorrow. The morning right before the class starts, he's informed of the plan and begins to teach like normal. "The SS Meridian is scheduled to arrive in port soon after three years at sea. I bet those boys'll fuck anything that moves." Suddenly, the girls all stand up and turn to leave until the professor continues. "Hey, there's no hurry. The ship won't reach port until next week."

[slightly aboveaverage man]

How many canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

13: one to screw it in, and 12 to form a committee on whether the Lightbulb is a Federal or Provincial responsibility.

[Toastburner B]

Lightbulb joke:

Now many drunks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to hold it in place and another two to drink until the room spins.

Blonde Joke:

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

Random Joke which is funny at 3 in the morning:

What was the last thing to go through the fly's mind when he hit the windshield.

His butt.

[RavenDrake]

The Moth Joke.


So. I'm up at 5 am watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie with my friends, and I see a moth up on the wall with beautiful green wings. I go over to pick her up, and she settles in my hand. "Well hello there," I say feeling silly, "Whats your name."

Well that moth stands right up in my hand and goes "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!" Well this shocks me and my friends to say the least. I've never seen or heard of a talking moth. Well, stunned as I am, I know a good thing when I see it, and I get out a an old cage i used to keep a bird in and set Daisy in the cage. So, we're watching more of the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie and an advert comes on announcing the County-wide Moth Appreciacion festival. I'm like, "We're so there, dude".

We apply for the the tallent portion and I can already see it's no contest. Me and daisy walk up front, and the judges look up, and she puffs out those pretty green wings and goes "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!"

Guess what?

We won!

First prize in hand, 500 bucks, me and my buddies and Daisy spend that evening pigging out on pizza and soda. We're all up till early morning, watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie and then, there comes an advert for the All State Moth Appreciation Festival. First prize in the talent competition is 5000 dollars. So of course, we have to go.

We get there and register. I'm a bit worried, cause there's some real competition here this time. There's one moth that dances to a Christina Aguileara song, and another that can add and subtract by landing on a touchscreen pad calculator. But I'm sure Daisy can take care of herself. Me and Daisy walk up to the front of the stage, and she preens a bit for the cameras and shakes herself out, and just sings out "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!"

Guess what?

We won!

5k in hand and a big blue ribbon, we have a huge steak and shrimp dinner catered to our home to celebrate. We're drinking and eating and celbrating and all up till ungodly oclock in the morning again watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie, when a new advertisement comes on. Its announcing, you guessed it, the National Talent finals of the Moth Appreciation Festival. I just look at Daisy, and she looks at me, and we nod.

We enter into the competition, and it's obviously going to be tough going. There's a moth from El Paso that can hum it's wings to "Deep in the Heart of Texas", and one from out in California that does simple C++ computer programs on a tiny computer. I'm not too worried, but I can tell Daisy is. I just smile and tell her "All I expect is for you to do your best". Well we get up on stage, and she's rareing to go. She struts, she poses, she preens, and she lets loose with the most lyrical, beautiful "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!" I've ever heard.

Guess what?

We won!

50 thousand in the bank now, we're ready to live in the lap of luxary for a while. We party down, and stay up till the Butt-crack of dawn again watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie on our new plasma screen TV, and we see the adds for something new. The International Moth Talent Finals! Broadcast live! With a prize of 500,000! Well, we just have to enter.

Man, when we get there, I know we're in for the biggest fight ever. There's trained russian weightlifting moths hurling Bic pens around, Korean moths going all "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mothra" and doing wire-fu moves. I just calm Daisy down, and I tell her, no matter what, I'm proud of her. She's made it this far, and no matter what, she'll always be my little Daisy.

We get up to the stage, and she's on fire now! She does a little coy dance, she fluffs, she shines, she does a little pirouette, and ends it with "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy Daisy DAISY

Guess what!

We... we lost....

We were all really bummed out, but Daisy was really taking it hard. She was crying harder than I've ever seen anyone cry, big, green, luminous tears just rolling down her face as she sobbed in my hands...

And all I could think of was, "Aww... have you ever seen a moth ball..."

*ducks and runs for cover*

[Thanatos]

Ok so one day I'm out playing golf with some buddies of mine. I'm having a good day, but the last two holes I started slicing like crazy. Finally on the 18th hole I'm down by one stroke, and I've got to sink this shot to win. Problem is, I'm in the rough right next to the water hazard. I go to pull out one of my clubs when I here this voice near-by say, "Use the nine iron." I look around, but don't see anyone, so I turn back to my golf bag again the voice says "Use the nine Iron."
I still don't see anyone, so I ask "Who said that? Where are you?"
"Down here," The voice says. I look down and see a little frog. Now I'm not one to ignore a talking frog, so I pull out the nine iron. The frog proceeds to tell me how to stand and swing the club before I hit the ball. I take the frogs advice and hit the ball. It goes right into the cup. I say, "How'd you know what to do?"
"I'm a lucky frog," the frog says "Take me with you to the store and we'll get a lottery ticket I'll give you the winning numbers." So I do, and sure enough, we hit every number. However several other people one as well, so I only got a few hundred thousand dollars.
The frog says, "That's ok, just take me to vegas and use that money and you'll be set for life."
So we go to Vegas, and go to the Roulette table. "Put everything on 32," the frog says. I do and the wheel stops on 32. We do this for a few hours going to all the different games and winning every time. I'm finally up to several million dollars, and we decide to call it a night.
Up in my room the frog looks at me and says, "I'm not really a frog. I'm actually a beautiful girl, but an evil witch cast a spell on me, because I was so beautiful and I'm very lucky. If you kiss me though I'll turn back to my original form."
Well I'm a real loser, and don't often get the chance to be with a beautiful woman, and like I said I'm not one to ignore a talking frog, so I kissed it. And just like she said she turned into the most beautiful, Black haired, green eyed large breasted thirteen year old girl you'd ever seen.

And I swear, your honor, that is how she got in my room!!

[Astral Harmony]

(reads RavenDrake's joke...twice...)

I...I still for the life of me don't get it.

[Aeria]

Moth Ball = Moth Bawl; bawl = to cry, moth ball = really BAD pun. I loved it!

[slightly aboveaverage man]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhyno.

[My Lead Airbag]

How do you turn a washing machine into a snowblower? Give her a shovel.

An Italian family was sitting around the dinner table. The father looked at his oldest son and said "Franco, why are you so fat?" Franco says "Papa, its Ma's steak, its just so good." The father says "Franco, just take smaller bites." The father looked at his middle son and said "Marco, why are YOU so fat?" Marco says "Papa, its Ma's lasagna, I just can't stop eating it." The father stops him and says "Marco, just eat smaller bites." Finally, he looks at his youngest son. "Fredo, how do you stay so skinny?" Fredo looks up and says "Papa, I only eat pussy." The father looks confused and says "But Fredo, pussy tastes like shit." Fredo says "Papa, you just gotta take smaller bites."

A woman is about to get married, but she's worried because her fiance believes she's a virgin. She goes to the doctor to ask what to do, and the doctor advises that she put a rubber band around her leg and snap it when he enters. She wonders why she hadn't thought of that. On their wedding night she waits till her husband penetrates her, then snaps the rubber band. The husband stops and says "What was that?" The wife says "That was my cherry popping." The husband says "Well, could you pop it again, its got my left ball."

[Rhana]

I love blonde jokes.
I'm a blond.
Is there something wrong with me, or is this normal?

[Zweihander]

For blonds, yes, it's perfectly normal.

How can you tell that a blond's been using a computer?
There's White-Out on the screen.

How can you tell another blond's been at the same computer?
There's writing over the White-Out.

[RavenDrake]

Yeah... I screwed up the punchline with the Ball-bawl mistake... but you don't have to worry about spelling with a spoken joke.

On the other hand, there's this one:

A man goes into a priests confesional and tell him "I've got to make amends for something."

And the priest says "Tell me, my child, what you did wrong."

"Well... I sort of stole some lumbe from where I work."

"Theft is a sin, my child, but what did you do with it?"

"I made my son a doghouse."

"Well, with that small bit of wood, surely the Lord can forgive you."

"Well... there was kinda some wood leftover from that."

"Really?" the priest replies, "And tell me, what did you do with THAT lumber?"

"I... err... built a Two car garage."

"My son! That is quite a bit of lumber you've stolen... but if your family needed the garage, and I'm sure the lord can forgive you."

"Well.... there was kinda... y'know... some more lumber left over."

"And what," The priest said, exhasperated, "Did you do with THAT lumber my child?"

"Err... built an 80 foot yaht."

"That is it my son! You have commited a great sin to have taken so much. You must make amends for your sin."

"How, father?"

"Do you know how to make a Novena?"

"Not of the top of my head, father, but if you've got the plans, I've got the lumber."

[My Lead Airbag]

A kid goes into a department store and asks the helper if they have any snake tits. The helper hasn't heard of those before, so he goes to the back, searches around for ahwile, then after he can't find anything he asks his manager. The manager calls him an idiot, and the helper returns to the kid, who is now laughing histerically. The helper throws him out of the store and goes back to work. A few minutes later an old woman walks in and asks for moth balls. The helper, perturbed says "Look lady, snakes aint got no tits, and moths don't have any balls."

[Thanatos]

"Do you know how to make a Novena?"


hmmmm....I had to look up the word novena for that one to make sense to me. Having not been raised Catholic or whatever I have never heard of such things, but it was hillarious once I understood.

[RavenDrake]

I found the word on Dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=novena) a site that I, as a perennially poor speller could not do without on a daily basis. In fact, I've had to consult it twice so far for just this post. :)

Since I've only every heard the joke spoken (On the Bob and Tom show by one comedian) It took some digging to find out what the word was... but it's meaning shows thorugh pretty well, I think.

And unfortunatly, that exhausts my supply of clean jokes... the rest of mine are dirty...