Finns are so EVIL!

[Osterbaum]

This is what I happened to find:

http://apolyton.net/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=42100b

Read the thread (it's short, don't worry).

It's all true. We finns are so evil. Almost no-one compares to our evilness. You should know this, for you know me! At days I am Captain FINLAND!!!, but by nights I am Osterbaum... An evil overlord.

But! This thread is not about me! I just thought it was a funny post someone made. Any comments? Something to add? Begging me not to steal more lakes or something?

[Thaumaturge]

Heh, it is very funny indeed! :D

I especially enjoyed the counter-post (post 10 in the linked-to thread)


1- The Winter War. What the hell happened there? When Joe Stalin's T-34's rolled into central Europe the Wehrmacht and Waffen-SS screamed like girls and ran away. However all it took was a few dozen of Santa's little helpers lobbing snowballs and the Russkis bottled out in Finland. What really happened? Is the truth too horrible to reveal.

[text omitted for brevity]

Also, two words - yellow snowballs. Too horrible to reveal indeed! :eek: :rolleyes:

Begging me not to steal more lakes or something?

Actually... *behind his sleeve, so that the authorities won't notice* What's the going rate on a lake? We could use some more fresh water down here...

[Dante]

Curse you, Finns! I will never sell out to Nokia (again)! Motorola has my allegiance!

[BlackMageGirl!]

Hey, if you're stealing lakes...>.> <.< Can I have one? It'll make a nice addition to my garden...

[Dragonsbane]

Osterbaum...it is time I reveal to you a terrible, terrible secret. The first Finn was one of my disciples, a student sent to teach a "chosen people" in the ways of true Evil. Yes, I was alive back then.

You, Osterbaum, are the final result of a project that has spanned many of your "generations". Project FINN. The acronym is in another language, so don't try deciphering it. The language itself belonged to a race of beings who worshipped Azathoth, the Daemon Sultan, the head of the Cthulhoid pantheon. The words are untranslateable, as the depths of evil and madness used in their tongue are unknown to the human race, so we have no real words to describe them.

When those lakes become portals to the dark depths of the Abyss, and gibbering beings of demonic horror pour forth, then it will be time for Finland to rise up and enslave the rest of humanity.

[Osterbaum]

Actually... *behind his sleeve, so that the authorities won't notice* What's the going rate on a lake? We could use some more fresh water down here...

Oh no. The lakes are all for us. And the Canadians... But mostly for us cause we are even so evil that we would cheat on our partner in crime.

Curse you, Finns! I will never sell out to Nokia (again)! Motorola has my allegiance!

You will find that our ways are many. You will have a Nokia in the end. Everyone always does...

Hey, if you're stealing lakes...>.> <.< Can I have one? It'll make a nice addition to my garden...

Well I guess I could sell you a pond... But only a really tiny one. And that's just cause you have mind control powers so you could be a good ally.

Osterbaum...it is time I reveal to you a terrible, terrible secret. The first Finn was one of my disciples, a student sent to teach a "chosen people" in the ways of true Evil. Yes, I was alive back then.

You, Osterbaum, are the final result of a project that has spanned many of your "generations". Project FINN. The acronym is in another language, so don't try deciphering it. The language itself belonged to a race of beings who worshipped Azathoth, the Daemon Sultan, the head of the Cthulhoid pantheon. The words are untranslateable, as the depths of evil and madness used in their tongue are unknown to the human race, so we have no real words to describe them.

When those lakes become portals to the dark depths of the Abyss, and gibbering beings of demonic horror pour forth, then it will be time for Finland to rise up and enslave the rest of humanity.

So... It was true then what I have heard. The rumors were true...

And I must say that we are proud to be the "chosen people". We will continue this evil till we die!But since we are really so evil, we wont of course sware alliegance to you, but to ourselves and spread our own evil amongst the whole world.

[Elmer J.]

Do I have a claim to this evil?
My Father's Mother's Mother's Father was a Finn...
But my Father's Father is a Scot, my Father's Mother's Father was Dutch, my Father's Mother's Mother was Irish and Welsh, and my Mother is Norwegian.
And I was born in upstate New York...
And now live in Central Connecticut...

Damn, I wanted that evil.
I listen to Nightwish, though.
And, soon., this other Finnish band you sent me.

[PyrosNine]

Funnily enough I think I'm welsh-mexican. Which means I'm not only pure good, but I'm also lazy about it. Which would explain why I've yet to stop any of the evil one's (Curse you Gates!) plans. Eh, i'll get around to it, eventually.

[BlackMageGirl!]

Well I guess I could sell you a pond... But only a really tiny one. And that's just cause you have mind control powers so you could be a good ally. -_- I do not have mind control powers.

but, a small lake or pond is what I had in mind actually. >.> So, what's your price?

[Meister]

As much as it takes for him to fly over with a bucket of water and back.

[PyrosNine]

No, as much as it costs to buy his own Yacht, cause He'll just sneak over to BMgirls house and use her hose to make the pond. I know because It's the exact opposite of what I'd do.

[Osterbaum]

Damn, I wanted that evil.

Everyone always does...

I listen to Nightwish, though.
And, soon., this other Finnish band you sent me.

Yes...sucumb to these evils and you are a step closer to becoming my aprentice...

Eh, i'll get around to it, eventually.

Not if I first get you to use a Nokia and you then you wont be able to communicate with ANYONE! MUAHAHAHAHAA!!!

-_- I do not have mind control powers.

Yes you do.

but, a small lake or pond is what I had in mind actually. >.> So, what's your price?

You see! Dammit you!

As much as it takes for him to fly over with a bucket of water and back.

You got that right. Wich is atleast 10 million €

No, as much as it costs to buy his own Yacht, cause He'll just sneak over to BMgirls house and use her hose to make the pond. I know because It's the exact opposite of what I'd do.

Revealing other people's evil plans is not cool! You got that?

[Thanatos]

Hey Oster, was that you who stoll the pond off my grandfathers land about 10 years ago and left behind all th old tractor parts?? I so, way to go man, that damn pond swallowed my wagon when I was a kid, and I finally got it back.
Plus I know a good lake that you can have. It annoys me, because it's always filled with little kids and rednecks. I've tried to solve the problem myself by integrating alligators and deadly snakes to the environment, but the park rangers keep capturing them.
Also, is it possible to become a Finn? I mean ya'll have the greatest composers and musicians and beautiful women. I'm jealous.

[Roland]

O_O

I knew that one day, it would have to come to this...

*pulls out Durandal*

RAAAAAAAAWR! TO FINLAND!

*runs*

...

*still running*

...

*hits the west coast of Lake Michigan*

... curses. Foiled by water yet again.

*bides his time, until Finland steals Lake Michigan*

[Dragonsbane]

-_- I do not have mind control powers.

"She's not the mind-ruler you're looking for." *ancient Jedi hand gesture*

And I must say that we are proud to be the "chosen people". We will continue this evil till we die!But since we are really so evil, we wont of course sware alliegance to you, but to ourselves and spread our own evil amongst the whole world.Excellent! Well, obviously not! That would mean I would have to stay here and micromanage everything. It's more fun just to kick back and watch the carnage. Go forth, and spread the EVIL!

[BlackMageGirl!]

but, a small lake or pond is what I had in mind actually. >.> So, what's your price?
You see! Dammit you!

What I see is an overly paranoid Finnish guy. =P

As much as it takes for him to fly over with a bucket of water and back.
You got that right. Wich is atleast 10 million €

Which converts to a little under 13 million US dollars. If I had that type of money, would I be asking you to steal something for me? =P

And I do NOT have mind powers! -_-

[Osterbaum]

Hey Oster, was that you who stoll the pond off my grandfathers land about 10 years ago and left behind all th old tractor parts??

Nothing like that ever happened. Now go back to sleep.

Also, is it possible to become a Finn?

No.

I love to say that. MUAHAHAHAHAA!!!

*bides his time, until Finland steals Lake Michigan*

We are only interested in quality material.

Excellent! Well, obviously not! That would mean I would have to stay here and micromanage everything. It's more fun just to kick back and watch the carnage. Go forth, and spread the EVIL!

II have one thing to 'say':

MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

What I see is an overly paranoid Finnish guy. =P

Yeah you're right.

Hey...Wait a minute!

YOU DID IT AGAIN!

[Thanatos]

Nothing like that ever happened. Now go back to sleep.


I wasn't dreaming. It was you, cause spray painted on the side of one of the tractor parts was the phrase "Capt'n Finlandia wuz here." I knew I'd find you one day so I could thank you. Now when are you going to steal that lake I was telling you about?

[Osterbaum]

I wasn't dreaming. It was you, cause spray painted on the side of one of the tractor parts was the phrase "Capt'n Finlandia wuz here." I knew I'd find you one day so I could thank you. Now when are you going to steal that lake I was telling you about?

Someone will be over by your house shortly. Please do not resist. You know to much. Also it was all a dream.

[BlackMageGirl!]

What I see is an overly paranoid Finnish guy. =P
Yeah you're right.

Hey...Wait a minute!

YOU DID IT AGAIN!

I did nothing of the sort. You obviously are trying to cover up something by blaming it on my 'mind control' powers (which do NOT exist). Also, being evil does not help your case either. I mean, you could be lying... =P

And give me one good reason why I should pay you 13 million dollars just to get you over to the US. =P

[Dragonsbane]

If they didn't exist, claiming you do have mind powers would only help you by making you seem more dangerous and powerful. Since you are being defensive, it is obvious that you do, indeed, have mind-controlling powers.

You should pay that because you want a lake, and because you're an American...far too lazy to do it yourself. Besides, it will stimulate the economy! Go on...pay him. Spread the evil!

BMG, you can control minds, but my plans cannot be stopped by you! ;P

[Osterbaum]

I did nothing of the sort. You obviously are trying to cover up something by blaming it on my 'mind control' powers (which do NOT exist). Also, being evil does not help your case either. I mean, you could be lying... =P

Yeah you are right again.

Hey wait... DAMMIT! Again you do it!

And give me one good reason why I should pay you 13 million dollars just to get you over to the US. =P

I'm worth every penny.

If they didn't exist, claiming you do have mind powers would only help you by making you seem more dangerous and powerful. Since you are being defensive, it is obvious that you do, indeed, have mind-controlling powers.

Thank you for seeing my logic!

[Roland]

We are only interested in quality material.



... well, yeah, nobody wants Lake Michigan, it's not even 1/4th actual water anymore...

*realization dawns*

TO LAKE SUPERIOR! I'll have my vengeance yet!

... *gets a Greyhound bus*

[Thanatos]

Someone will be over by your house shortly. Please do not resist. You know to much. Also it was all a dream.

So these three elvish men just came by talking some nonsense about coming to help me come to terms with my dreams. They had funny Scandinavian accents. I was hungry, so I ate there souls. I threw there bodies in the lake I told you about, so you can pick them up when you come to take that.
And thanks for the meal by the way, they were very tasty.

[Meister]

The thing is, BlackMageGirl actively wants people to believe she doesn't have mind control powers. No wonder that backfires.

And if Osterbaum doesn't want the money, I'll take it. But only if I can crash on your couch. And if there's a place to sleep.

[PyrosNine]

... well, yeah, nobody wants Lake Michigan, it's not even 1/4th actual water anymore...

*realization dawns*

TO LAKE SUPERIOR! I'll have my vengeance yet!

... *gets a Greyhound bus*

Ah yes, the greyhound bus, the only method of transportation for the forces of good. And despite what the band Outkast thinks, Greyhound does go over water!

I'd go with you but my back itches...

*Sees little brother trying to figure out how to use his N-gage*

Ahh screw being lazy, Now you've gone too far Finnland!

*Pulls out Caladbolg"

Onward to Finnland!

*Waits for the next bus*

[Dragonsbane]

So these three elvish men just came by talking some nonsense about coming to help me come to terms with my dreams. They had funny Scandinavian accents. I was hungry, so I ate there souls. I threw there bodies in the lake I told you about, so you can pick them up when you come to take that.
And thanks for the meal by the way, they were very tasty.

You ate Finnish souls? Assuming those were real Finns, not brainwashed captives whose souls were suffused with a soul-poison, eating a Finnish soul is a certitude for death.


The thing is, BlackMageGirl actively wants people to believe she doesn't have mind control powers. No wonder that backfires.

And if Osterbaum doesn't want the money, I'll take it. But only if I can crash on your couch. And if there's a place to sleep.

Hey, BMG is only like that because as a mind-reader, she thinks other people are just as unfooled by others...and don't need to develop the subtle intricacies of logic that allow us to determine whether or not she has mind-control powers. Therefore, she fails to see why her plan backfires so badly, since by her standards it makes perfect sense.

I want money, too. Do you have internet? Fast internet? Can I sleep on your couch?

[Gorefiend]

I must say, that explains the loss of a few small ponds near my area. And, while you may not want the "Great" Lakes, you Finns might find it useful to possess both the most lakes and the largest lakes in the world. Then you and you alone will rule in all matters revolving lakes.

Also, I and my entire family used No... ki...a.......

....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....

I await your commands, master. We all do.

[Funka Genocide]

I present, as further evidence of Finnish evil, these quotes!

I am good at murder!

I eat babies

you see?!

He's just not right in the head! You can all go to Finland on some foolhardy crusade, but I'm staying right here in kancho land where its safe.

I mean Japan...

[Wolf99x]

*falls through random hole in ceiling*

I use Samsung, therefore I am free from Finnish mind control and OHCRAP. *falls through hole in floor which leads somewhere else random in the forums*

[Thanatos]

You ate Finnish souls? Assuming those were real Finns, not brainwashed captives whose souls were suffused with a soul-poison, eating a Finnish soul is a certitude for death.

They're actually kinda like puffer fish. They're not deadly if you prepare them correctly. I mean if I never ate Finnish souls, there'd be a lot of immortal Finns out there, and we just can't have that.

[BlackMageGirl!]

I hate you all. -_-

And why does everyone want to go to my house all of a sudden? 0_O

And Finn souls taste like fish? o.0 I'm getting confused here....

[Meister]

And why does everyone want to go to my house all of a sudden? 0_O
Well, what was that about your large anime collection...?

And Finn souls taste like fish? o.0 I'm getting confused here....
You'll have to admit, there is a certain inherent connection between fish and fins...
*flees*

[Dragonsbane]

BMG, he's referring to Fugu, a certain breed of extremely poisonous puffer fish. It is only safe to eat when prepared by an expert chef, and even then fatalities sometimes occur.

We all want to come to your house because you have a magnetic personality, and a huge anime collection. :p

[Osterbaum]

And if Osterbaum doesn't want the money, I'll take it. But only if I can crash on your couch. And if there's a place to sleep.

Hey, don't get me wrong. I'll take the money of course. You can sleep in the gutter. Same for you DB!

*Waits for the next bus*

See you in...ten years?

I await your commands, master. We all do.

Watch closely for your Nokias. All communication happens through cellphones.

He's just not right in the head!

And you are?

I use Samsung, therefore I am free from Finnish mind control

So you think. MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

You'll have to admit, there is a certain inherent connection between fish and finns...

Your turn shall be soon...

[BlackMageGirl!]

BMG, he's referring to Fugu, a certain breed of extremely poisonous puffer fish. It is only safe to eat when prepared by an expert chef, and even then fatalities sometimes occur.
*blinks* I knew that DB. I was just making fun of that fact. You know, asking the question that Finnish souls taste like fish. =P

We all want to come to your house because you have a magnetic personality, and a huge anime collection. :p
Why did I get the image that I could find the switch and turn my personality off? 0_O

Also...half the anime is my mom's. She might not share, ya know. =P

[mauve]

Somehow, I've always known Finland was evil... But I'll never submit to your Nokia-ness! NEVER!!

*looks down at her cellphone* See? Mine's a Noki-- Waitaminute... "Nokia?!" WHAT THE HELL!!? GYAH! IT HAS BEGUN!

So it seems I have already become one of the mindless cellphone slaves of Finland. And I never even knew. Ooohh, you're good, Finnish Overlord. You're gooood.

[Osterbaum]

Ooohh, you're good, Finnish Overlord. You're gooood.

Well I like to think that I put in 110%, cause you wanna be good and I try to be good. I think I've done pretty good lately.

[PyrosNine]

So it seems I have already become one of the mindless cellphone slaves of Finland. And I never even knew. Ooohh, you're good, Finnish Overlord. You're gooood.

Nah, as it happens the very minute you see your nokia phone bill, you are released forever from the evil stench of the Finnish. For there you shall see it's evil in it's true form, unhidden by sleek design and cool features. And upon seeing it, you will know the way, the truth, and the light. So sayeth the Samsung instruction manual.

[Osterbaum]

Nah, as it happens the very minute you see your nokia phone bill, you are released forever from the evil stench of the Finnish.

Actually the bills come from the operator wich I have yet to control...

Damn you cellphone operators! I'l get you one day!

[PyrosNine]

Actually the bills come from the operator wich I have yet to control...

Damn you cellphone operators! I'l get you one day!

Aye, My work here is done.

*Rides off into the sunset riding in a bus, which is pulling the trailer to a Finnish pond.*

[phil_]

See, this is why Virginia has so many fake lakes, to protect our two real one's. In fact, we've produced fakes of such quality that even most Virginian's think there are more than two. You'll never take our bodies of water! Wait, Mountain Lake is draining... no, it can't be...

Also, _mike and I don't have a cell phone. We had a track phone for a couple of hours last summer, but returned it when we realized we'd never use it. So take that Nokia!

Oh, and we won't join the crusade. We don't care enough.

[Osterbaum]

Lake is draining... no, it can't be...

Yes it can. MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Oh, and we won't join the crusade. We don't care enough.

One day you are gonna regret that. Not that I mind you don't care now. Easier for me.

So take that Nokia!

You have allready been used.

[BlackMageGirl!]

Well, you'll never get me on your side Osterguy, since I don't have a cell phone. =P

Funny, when I visited Virginia I didn't remember any lakes... :/

[Osterbaum]

Well, you'll never get me on your side Osterguy, since I don't have a cell phone. =P

I have my ways. Oh yes, I have my ways...

MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Funny, when I visited Virginia I didn't remember any lakes... :/

The effects can be seen worldwide.

[BlackMageGirl!]

I have my ways. Oh yes, I have my ways...

MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
Your 'ways', eh? Well, now that I know you're trying to get me, I shall be on my guard! =P


The effects can be seen worldwide.

....buh? Can you explain that last remark Oster? 0_O

[Osterbaum]

Don't act like you don't know what I mean.

Just look around. Do you see any lakes? WELL DO YOU?

NO!!

Cause we stole them all!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

P.S.

Just try to be on your guard. It wont help you.

[PyrosNine]

Fool, I have my own lake! And my lake is so much of a lake, it's a freaking lake. Because my lake was originally just a lake, but then I stole that finnish lake, and every time you and your vile minions come for it, they are soundly defeated by the genius and cunning of my lake. For my lake is.... Lake Wily! Yes, you heard me. We even have robot masters due to an intentional irony of some Megaman loving roboticists.

And soon, there will be a multitude of lakes across the globe. The end is nigh Finnland! You can take away our Lakes! BUT YOU 'LL NEVER TAKE AWAY OUR PONDS!

*Lifts Kilt*

[Osterbaum]

You can take away our Lakes! BUT YOU 'LL NEVER TAKE AWAY OUR PONDS!

Look again mister. Where's that fishpond from the medows?

[Inbred Chocobo]

Curse you finlandians, you have stolen the lake of my childhood from that farm I used to live in. But wait, I have learned that raw sewage used to be dumped in that lake! Ha, now your stolen lakes are defiled with strange brownish bad smelling water. Of course, learning about thw sewage dump royally screwed with my mind. I used to swim in that lake, curses.

[PyrosNine]

Of course, learning about thw sewage dump royally screwed with my mind. I used to swim in that lake, curses.

Why else would your name be Inbred Chocobo?

[Quote=Osterbaum] Look again mister. Where's that fishpond from the medows?

What the duce? Egad! Let loose the Dogs! Fetch me my horse! The hunt is afoot!

[Osterbaum]

What the duce? Egad! Let loose the Dogs! Fetch me my horse! The hunt is afoot!

You can run, but you can't hide.

And yes, I ment what I just typed.