<...and if I get that one early, I can... Oh, right, the update.>
When last we left off...
Wow. Even the town itself admits that it's dull.
Yeah, I guess they all knew how boring this dump is.
Really? We'll see about this guy.
This is clearly of no importance to us. We'll be back later.
How nice, I was looking for that guy too!
And so he drags us to the Wizard of Oz or wherever he's leading us.
Alright, well, thank you for leading us to the only gym in this city, which we could have found out on our own within seconds of arriving.
And then he walks off.
...apparently unhindered by fences, the bane of our protagonist. Damn him, and damn those fences.
I bet that evoked fifteen different dick jokes in your minds, you filthy jerks.
Tacky.
This guy appears in every gym. And they're all the same person.
<I hate this guy already.>
Why are you even here. Get out.
No. I hate suck-uppers.
<Oh yeah, me too.>
GODDAMMIT I SAID
NO
<WHAT YOU
IDIOT HE JUST SAID NO>
YOU
JACKASS YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME AT ALL
<SERIOUSLY IT'S BEEN FIFTY SECONDS AND ALREADY I WANT TO SPIT-ROAST THIS ASSHOLE>
I ALREADY KNOW ALL THIS YOU DEAF DICK
<HOW ABOUT I UNCLOG YOUR EARS WITH MY FREAKING FIRE TAIL YOU PHENOMENAL
MORON EITHER WAY IT WOULD BE AN
IMPROVEMENT>
DAMMIT THAT JERK GOT HERE BEFORE US
I INSTIGATED A FIGHT WITH
YOU DUMBASS
I ARE ANGRY
YOU BLOWHARD YOU ONLY HAVE TWO POKEMON
THAT SHRIMP IS GOING DOWN
JEIGAN WILL EAT YOU ALIVE
YOU MORON YOUR DIGLETT ONLY HAS SCRATCH
LOOK HOW MUCH DAMAGE
JEIGAN KILL YOU DEAD
<LEMME AT THIS GUY I AM SO FULL OF RAGE>
<I WILL MELT YOU>
<THERE IS NO ESCAPE>
<THAT WON'T STOP ME>
<MY FIRE WILL BURN YOU FOREVER>
<OH YOU
IDIOT>
<I WILL BURN YOU INTO MOLTEN GLASS AND THEN USE YOU AS BUBBLE GUM YOU GIGANTIC IDIOT>
<BURN>
<BURN>
<BURN>
<BURN>
<BURN>
<BURN>
YOU
JACKASS STOP USING SCIENCE TERMS LIKE LIGHT YEARS AS IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY
INTELLIGENT
I HOPE THAT YOU
GET CANCER
<I HOPE THAT YOU
BURN IN THE INFINITE FIRES OF ULTRA HELL>
Okay, okay, everything is fine again.
<Whew... yeah, I'm cool. I'm cool.>
Hmmm...
Let's go for HARD MODE
<Yeah, I bet I can take this guy.>
AND HERE WE GO
<This guy looks like a hard-hitter, so I'm going to cut his attack by half.>
<Well, this guy doesn't know what he's up against. All that defense won't save you from what I'm about to use next.>
<Oh hey I just realized, I'm frigging fire resistant! So instead of whipping my tail around I can just throw a fistful of glowing burning crap!>
<Even though he's got the type advantage, I'm still hurting him more with fire than with brute force.>
<Owww... yeah, I can take it.>
<Well, I'm melting him down very slowly, but I can still outlast whatever he throws at me.>
<Yeah, I've toughened up a bit throughout this journey. I'm not going to let some rock with arms beat me.>
Some rounds later...
<Hey rock-boy! You know something? Curling into a ball doesn't protect you from being roasted alive!>
<Alright! The next battle should go slightly faster!>
<Oh what, seriously? I have to be at level 15 to learn how to do
THAT?>
<Bring on the next chump!>
<Alright, what sort of assholery do you have in store for me this time?>
<Please, do not disrespect your opponent with your foul words.>
<Holy
crap you're actually having a conversation.>
<Again I must protest. I believe that both of us should be honorable and respect each other even if we are on opposite sides.>
<Well, um, gee... I'm at a loss for words here.>
<I myself believe that talking should be left out of the fight, for it can be distracting. One must put all of their focus on defeating the opponent.>
<Okay, well... shall we have at it then?>
<Very well. Let us begin. Show me your full potential.>
<Alright then, take this!>
<Oh wow, a lucky strike.>
<Wait, what? Oh that is
TAUROS [poop]!>
<Oh well, that just means I get an extra turn in.>
<Okay, what's this now? Well, if that move's name is any indication of what it does...>
<My gut feeling tells me to not attack for a while. Just like those first bosses in some of those Final Fantasy games!>
<Oh crap he's going to murder me>
<...not.>
<And I get another lucky hit in.>
<And then that asshole does it
again!>
<Well, I've got him down to less than a third and he hasn't even hit me yet. What the hell.>
<Yeah, keep using your turtle move...>
<I'll just not attack while you do that.>
<Having that as your only attack isn't very smart.>
<Because I'll just lay the smackdown once it wears off.>
<This time your move won't protect you...>
<Your health's too low as it is.>
<You were good... except that the game's AI is dumb.>
<You damn right you did!>
Ahh, yes, our first plot coupon.
Who were the geniuses who decided that you could be an official with that pathetic roster you have?
<Wait, what? Does this mean that I can FLASH anyone I want to at any time now despite the fact that I already have four moves?>
Oh wait, more free stuff?
ALRIGHT! What's it do?
Yes, yes, I know that.
So obviously I'm never going to use it then.
Yep, never going to use it.
I HOPE THAT EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR SPAWN DIE UNIQUE AND EQUALLY TORTUROUS DEATHS THE LIKES OF WHICH LUCIFER COULD ONLY DREAM OF
<
YOU SHOULD ONLY PRAY THAT YOUR OWN DEATH COMES QUICKLY AND PAINLESSLY, BECAUSE I WILL MAKE IT MY MISSION IN LIFE TO GRANT YOU ONE THAT WILL BE ANYTHING BUT>
Whatever. We're done here.
Well, there's no possibility that this could affect our journey in any way, right?
Tune in next time for even more stupidity!
<...and that's all sorts of wrong. So, um, don't do that, okay?>
<Okay, Bard-kun! But... there is something Adrian still doesn't understand... what is ******* and why does Adrian have to->
<Ah, no, stop. Just... don't worry about it. You are still too young to know those sorts of things.>
<But Adrian wants to know->
<No no no, still too young. In due time, missy. In due time.>