The Warring States of NPF - View Single Post - Trollslum Act 2: Under siege by planet Jupiter

The SSB Intern · 03-03-2011, 10:52 PM

>Be someone less traumatized.

That command was already filled several week ago numbglobes! You ought to pay more attention, before deciding to grace the world your infinitely vast ignorance. Try something else.

> Spam backspace.

Fine, bee that way. Asshole.

You ascend the command prompt until you find your desired action.

">Be someone less traumatized.|"

You are now less traumatized.

THAT IS LES TRAUMATIS�, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE. Remember that name, so when they ask what brigade of dashing and terrifying outlaws took down your miserable excuse for a lateral locoshuttle, you will.. ehhh... TELL THEM!!

>what is this i don't even

You are Casaro B'omine, leader of the disreputable gang of Alternian thieves, LES TRAUMATIS�. Your camaraderie specializes in lateral loco shuttle robberies, and you have become a notorious folk hero for your grand feats of crime and famous chivalry towards females. Most of that, however, is a load of romanticized bullshit made by the tabloid news common to this day and age. In reality, you're sort of a DICK. In this particular heist, you have stolen a little girl's locket, punched the conductor for looking at you, and pistol-whipped a very unlucky crippled troll.

But it was all worth it. You leave your men to watch the passengers and make your way to the back of the locoshuttle, where the supplies are being transported. While you're more oft to take the possessions of the passengers, this particular cargo is what drove to strike in the first place. For here is the treasure you have spent your life searching for. The Hearth of Hestia. Once you bring this baby to the Alternian Black Market for Extremely Rare and Coveted Cookware, there will be no more dinners of elbow pasta and powdered cultures for you! Even though they taste so good. You briefly ponder if there's some sort of variant or luxury brand you could buy as the butt of a rifle cracks across the back of your skull.

> Notice that your kismesis has outwitted you.

Huh. That she has.

> Monologue.

Casaro cannot perform that action as he is UNCONSCIOUS. He probably won't respond to anything else either, so why don't we move on?

> Be someone doing something awesome.

You are now Vintag, many sweeps in the future. From the previous perspective, that is. So, it's the present. And presently, you are in your laundry block, prepared to remove the stain caused by your asinine sylladex.

> Could you make that a little less awesome, please? I don't think my cardiovascular system can take that sort of excitement.

[S] Fine, you are *AGRESSING* the stain. With a purifying bottle of chemicals in each hand, you attack your hat with unbridled ferocity. Auto-Polish! and so forth. Then you PUT...

THE HAT

IN

THE WASHER!

> This is stupid.

You remember that in addition to the meteors that will destroy your hive long before the spin cycle starts, you have 23 exact duplicates of this hat in your closet. You glare at the soiled hat for what you deem to be an appropriate amount of time, and then exit. You travel further into your hive, the flickering lights strewn across the hall do nothing to guide you, but you know the way without them. The electricity here was shoddy before there was a fire storm to reasonably explain it, but no technician was ever called to fix it. This is partly due to Derpah being the only mechanic you know and partly because you and Vicki don't actually own your hive. You just sort of... found it. So, gotta stay under the radar.

Speaking of Vicki, He's making some racket out in the whatever block. Whatever, anything that goofball breaks you can just replace later.

>Arrive in Respite Block

Finally, you have found the one block in your hive that doesn't have a million comedic deathtraps strewn all over it. Just one. You forgot where you put it. Regardless, when you see the familiar smiles of your silver screen idols cast on the walls around, you enter an almost zen-like state. Many nights you've spent watching your collection on your prized projector. Sometimes you just stare at your posters for a while. You do this all the time actually. You don't have a lot of friends to hang out with.

Speaking of which, you invited one of your friends from online to come watch a performance. Better get that straightened out while you still have the chance.

-burlesqueBalderdash [BB] began trolling absentPsychologist [AP]-
BB: O>o hey leraje just a heads up the gig at the culled martini has been canceled STOP
BB: O>o also it seems i have been inducted in some kind of doomsday game STOP
AP: Oh. Vintag. Hey, uh. Oh man, that is terrible. I was looking forward...wait. What game?
BB: O>o ugh its like... something really stupid sounding STOP
BB: O>o ssssscrabble i think STOP
AP: ...did Tergum message you, about it?
BB: O>o yeah howd you know STOP
AP: AUGH! I knew I should, have had. Grr...
AP: Umm, okay we. Are playing. The same, game. But...bad luck. We aren't. On the same side.
BB: O>o ...there are sides STOP
AP: I...knew Tergum, wasn't going. To be, all that great. Of a leader. But this is just....
AP: I mean. Man I should have just faced up and invited you.
BB: O>o that is a shame STOP
BB: O>o so do i have to kill you now or something STOP
BB: O>o i dont think that would be that enjoyable STOP
AP: I..actually I have. No idea. There. Seems to be. A goal.
AP: Most of it, simple. But what overaching whole it leads to, and why we, are in seperate teams. I have no idea.
BB: O>o what now STOP
AP: Well...try to. Get a hold. Of Tergum, he needs to stop. Being terrible. And lead you people. Also, we are all. Supposed to have. Server players(who help us) and clients(who we help) and. It is probably. Important. You figure out, who those. People are.
AP: Or you might die. And I'd be...really sad.
BB: O>o i would be too STOP
BB: O>o shit better find that out then STOP
AP: Yeah...um. You know, even though, we are on opposite sides. You can always message me. I'd hate to lose touch. You are really amazing...and all that.
BB: O>o i... uh STOP
BB: O>o ill keep that in mind STOP
absentPsychologist's computer exploded
BB: O>o O.o STOP

- burlesqueBalderdash ceased trolling absentPsychologist -

Okay what the hell?

>Look, a message!

- eloquentOrchestrator [EO] began trolling burlesqueBalderdash [BB] -
EO: Hey vIntaG, terGum tOld mE you WoulD be aCtinG as mY serVer pLayeR wheN we sTart PlayIng sGrub
EO: PleaSe teLl me That DidnT souNd liKe toTal nOnseNce tO you And tHat yOu knOw abOut tHe gaMe
BB: O>o oh STOP
BB: O>o yes STOP
BB: O>o i know everything about about slub STOP
BB: O>o i mean sgrub STOP
BB: O>o what do you need to know.. STOP
BB: O>o the gameplay? STOP
EO: What? No i jUst wAnteD to mAke sUre i DidnT neeD to eXplaIn anYthiNg
EO: I reaD derPahs UselEss gUide And i Had a... Umm... oTher SourCe of InfoRmatIon
EO: TalkIng aBout The dEtaiLs reMindS me oF thiS... uhh... OtheR souRce wHich Is raTher DiscOnceRtinG
BB: O>o umm right STOP
BB: O>o what exactly is diconcerting about it STOP
BB: O>o were the details of the game... STOP
BB: O>o ...gruesome STOP
EO: Well The gAme iS kinD of rEspoNsibLe foR the DeatHs of All oUr luSii
EO: But mOstlY its That I leaRned AbouT the Game From MyseLf...
EO: MyseLf frOm thE futUre...
EO: Who iM preTty sUre iS deaD now
BB: what
BB: i mean
BB: O>o your lusus is dead STOP
BB: O>o thats awful STOP
EO: Mine Isnt The oNly oNe
EO: So faR eveRyonE invOlveD in tHe gaMe haS had TheiR lusUs peRish
EO: Wait Do yoU meaN youR lusUs is StilL aliVe?
EO: I thoUght They Were All dEad bY now
BB: O>o no vickis fine i left him with my pan so that hell be safe STOP
BB: O>o in the common block STOP
BB: O>o by himself STOP
BB: O>o in the dark STOP
BB: O>o with my haunted pan STOP
BB: O>o i need to go STOP
EO: Oh fuCk
EO: I hopE hes AlriGht bUt uhH... if iTs anY conSolaTion The gAme cAn alSo brIng oUr luSii bAck... sOrt oF

>OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP

By the time Reztek had written those final two lines, you had already disappeared through the door. You make a mad dash to the common block, stumbling over an assortment of wacky things in the veil of darkness and hazard that has become of your hallway. The clanging has stopped. Despite your best efforts, a thought bubbles to the surface of the dread gravy stewing in your think pan.

Is that good? Or bad?

You don't slow down. Nothing could break your stride at this point. But a loose bag of marbles does make you lose your footing, so you end up cartwheeling through the last leg of the-*CRASH*.

>WHY DOES EVERYTHING YOU DO HAVE TO BE A SHINING EXAMPLE OF INBRED IDIOCY?

You are now in your common block. The lights are out here as well, and you can barely see anything. However, something--or someone--definitely left a sizable mess. What it is though? All this black... blackness. It's like a sea jaguarian ripped into the ink bladder of a Deep One, that then proceeded to roll around in it. All over. You creep towards the far wall, ready to flip the fuck out at any monster that dares decide to exist. You're so tense you almost don't notice Vicki sitting in a pool of his own blood in the corner.

Wait.

lususlog

>Do something.

You are unable to move or think or do anything besides gawk at the broken figure of your guardian.

>Gawk at broken figure of your guardian.

NO! You need to help Vicki! He can get through this. He has to.

>Get help.

Only one troll is capable of helping you. You make a quick heel-turn and practically towards your husktop. You just hope he's not busy.

-- burlesqueBalderdash [BB] began trolling hazardousPracticioner [HP] --
BB: O>o nasryl something terrible has happened STOP
BB: O>o vicki is in need of medical assistance STOP
BB: O>o give me instructions on how to STOP STOP
BB: O>o uhhhh STOP
BB: O>o death STOP
HP: what
HP: uhh well im nXt sX actually nevermind I can help
HP: Tell me what the situation is and make it quick. I'll give what advice I can
BB: there's a gaping wound in his head STOP
BB: im gonna say its pretty serious STOP
HP: Xh gXg this is heavy stuff
HP: Apply pressure, stXp the bleeding
HP: Keep sXmething wrapped arXund, dXn't mXve him tXX much
BB: oh man oh man STOP
BB: i cant find anything STOP
BB: uhhhhhh STOP
HP: Panic is bad. It can be anything, preferably clXth and clean
HP: Apply pressure and stXp as much as pXssible
BB: ok ok caaaaaalm STOP
BB: ... STOP
BB: is blood sometimes in spongy chunks STOP
HP:
HP:
HP: NX
BB: ... STOP
BB: that is never going to wash out is it STOP
BB: ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
HP: YXU there Vintag?!!
HP: There's always hXpe! I think
HP: Fffucck
HP: Vierth needs help I gXtta gX I am sX sXrry fXr yXur lXss!!!

-- hazardousPractitioner [HP] has ceased pestering burlesqueBalderdash [BB] --

You have fainted.

>You silly girl, wake up.

...

>This is no time for slumber.

....

>Fine. Be that way. I don't need you. I can find some other troll to command.

03-03-2011, 10:52 PM	#50
The SSB Intern We'll have to do this the hard way. Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Behind it all. Posts: 1,009	>Be someone less traumatized. That command was already filled several week ago numbglobes! You ought to pay more attention, before deciding to grace the world your infinitely vast ignorance. Try something else. > Spam backspace. Fine, bee that way. Asshole. You ascend the command prompt until you find your desired action. ">Be someone less traumatized.\|" You are now less traumatized. THAT IS LES TRAUMATIS�, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE. Remember that name, so when they ask what brigade of dashing and terrifying outlaws took down your miserable excuse for a lateral locoshuttle, you will.. ehhh... TELL THEM!! >what is this i don't even You are Casaro B'omine, leader of the disreputable gang of Alternian thieves, LES TRAUMATIS�. Your camaraderie specializes in lateral loco shuttle robberies, and you have become a notorious folk hero for your grand feats of crime and famous chivalry towards females. Most of that, however, is a load of romanticized bullshit made by the tabloid news common to this day and age. In reality, you're sort of a DICK. In this particular heist, you have stolen a little girl's locket, punched the conductor for looking at you, and pistol-whipped a very unlucky crippled troll. But it was all worth it. You leave your men to watch the passengers and make your way to the back of the locoshuttle, where the supplies are being transported. While you're more oft to take the possessions of the passengers, this particular cargo is what drove to strike in the first place. For here is the treasure you have spent your life searching for. The Hearth of Hestia. Once you bring this baby to the Alternian Black Market for Extremely Rare and Coveted Cookware, there will be no more dinners of elbow pasta and powdered cultures for you! Even though they taste so good. You briefly ponder if there's some sort of variant or luxury brand you could buy as the butt of a rifle cracks across the back of your skull. > Notice that your kismesis has outwitted you. Huh. That she has. > Monologue. Casaro cannot perform that action as he is UNCONSCIOUS. He probably won't respond to anything else either, so why don't we move on? > Be someone doing something awesome. You are now Vintag, many sweeps in the future. From the previous perspective, that is. So, it's the present. And presently, you are in your laundry block, prepared to remove the stain caused by your asinine sylladex. > Could you make that a little less awesome, please? I don't think my cardiovascular system can take that sort of excitement. [S] Fine, you are AGRESSING the stain. With a purifying bottle of chemicals in each hand, you attack your hat with unbridled ferocity. Auto-Polish! and so forth. Then you PUT... THE HAT IN THE WASHER! > This is stupid. You remember that in addition to the meteors that will destroy your hive long before the spin cycle starts, you have 23 exact duplicates of this hat in your closet. You glare at the soiled hat for what you deem to be an appropriate amount of time, and then exit. You travel further into your hive, the flickering lights strewn across the hall do nothing to guide you, but you know the way without them. The electricity here was shoddy before there was a fire storm to reasonably explain it, but no technician was ever called to fix it. This is partly due to Derpah being the only mechanic you know and partly because you and Vicki don't actually own your hive. You just sort of... found it. So, gotta stay under the radar. Speaking of Vicki, He's making some racket out in the whatever block. Whatever, anything that goofball breaks you can just replace later. >Arrive in Respite Block Finally, you have found the one block in your hive that doesn't have a million comedic deathtraps strewn all over it. Just one. You forgot where you put it. Regardless, when you see the familiar smiles of your silver screen idols cast on the walls around, you enter an almost zen-like state. Many nights you've spent watching your collection on your prized projector. Sometimes you just stare at your posters for a while. You do this all the time actually. You don't have a lot of friends to hang out with. Speaking of which, you invited one of your friends from online to come watch a performance. Better get that straightened out while you still have the chance. -burlesqueBalderdash [BB] began trolling absentPsychologist [AP]- BB: O>o hey leraje just a heads up the gig at the culled martini has been canceled STOP BB: O>o also it seems i have been inducted in some kind of doomsday game STOP AP: Oh. Vintag. Hey, uh. Oh man, that is terrible. I was looking forward...wait. What game? BB: O>o ugh its like... something really stupid sounding STOP BB: O>o ssssscrabble i think STOP AP: ...did Tergum message you, about it? BB: O>o yeah howd you know STOP AP: AUGH! I knew I should, have had. Grr... AP: Umm, okay we. Are playing. The same, game. But...bad luck. We aren't. On the same side. BB: O>o ...there are sides STOP AP: I...knew Tergum, wasn't going. To be, all that great. Of a leader. But this is just.... AP: I mean. Man I should have just faced up and invited you. BB: O>o that is a shame STOP BB: O>o so do i have to kill you now or something STOP BB: O>o i dont think that would be that enjoyable STOP AP: I..actually I have. No idea. There. Seems to be. A goal. AP: Most of it, simple. But what overaching whole it leads to, and why we, are in seperate teams. I have no idea. BB: O>o what now STOP AP: Well...try to. Get a hold. Of Tergum, he needs to stop. Being terrible. And lead you people. Also, we are all. Supposed to have. Server players(who help us) and clients(who we help) and. It is probably. Important. You figure out, who those. People are. AP: Or you might die. And I'd be...really sad. BB: O>o i would be too STOP BB: O>o shit better find that out then STOP AP: Yeah...um. You know, even though, we are on opposite sides. You can always message me. I'd hate to lose touch. You are really amazing...and all that. BB: O>o i... uh STOP BB: O>o ill keep that in mind STOP absentPsychologist's computer exploded BB: O>o O.o STOP - burlesqueBalderdash ceased trolling absentPsychologist - Okay what the hell? >Look, a message! - eloquentOrchestrator [EO] began trolling burlesqueBalderdash [BB] - EO: Hey vIntaG, terGum tOld mE you WoulD be aCtinG as mY serVer pLayeR wheN we sTart PlayIng sGrub EO: PleaSe teLl me That DidnT souNd liKe toTal nOnseNce tO you And tHat yOu knOw abOut tHe gaMe BB: O>o oh STOP BB: O>o yes STOP BB: O>o i know everything about about slub STOP BB: O>o i mean sgrub STOP BB: O>o what do you need to know.. STOP BB: O>o the gameplay? STOP EO: What? No i jUst wAnteD to mAke sUre i DidnT neeD to eXplaIn anYthiNg EO: I reaD derPahs UselEss gUide And i Had a... Umm... oTher SourCe of InfoRmatIon EO: TalkIng aBout The dEtaiLs reMindS me oF thiS... uhh... OtheR souRce wHich Is raTher DiscOnceRtinG BB: O>o umm right STOP BB: O>o what exactly is diconcerting about it STOP BB: O>o were the details of the game... STOP BB: O>o ...gruesome STOP EO: Well The gAme iS kinD of rEspoNsibLe foR the DeatHs of All oUr luSii EO: But mOstlY its That I leaRned AbouT the Game From MyseLf... EO: MyseLf frOm thE futUre... EO: Who iM preTty sUre iS deaD now BB: what BB: i mean BB: O>o your lusus is dead STOP BB: O>o thats awful STOP EO: Mine Isnt The oNly oNe EO: So faR eveRyonE invOlveD in tHe gaMe haS had TheiR lusUs peRish EO: Wait Do yoU meaN youR lusUs is StilL aliVe? EO: I thoUght They Were All dEad bY now BB: O>o no vickis fine i left him with my pan so that hell be safe STOP BB: O>o in the common block STOP BB: O>o by himself STOP BB: O>o in the dark STOP BB: O>o with my haunted pan STOP BB: O>o i need to go STOP EO: Oh fuCk EO: I hopE hes AlriGht bUt uhH... if iTs anY conSolaTion The gAme cAn alSo brIng oUr luSii bAck... sOrt oF >OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP By the time Reztek had written those final two lines, you had already disappeared through the door. You make a mad dash to the common block, stumbling over an assortment of wacky things in the veil of darkness and hazard that has become of your hallway. The clanging has stopped. Despite your best efforts, a thought bubbles to the surface of the dread gravy stewing in your think pan. Is that good? Or bad? You don't slow down. Nothing could break your stride at this point. But a loose bag of marbles does make you lose your footing, so you end up cartwheeling through the last leg of the-CRASH. >WHY DOES EVERYTHING YOU DO HAVE TO BE A SHINING EXAMPLE OF INBRED IDIOCY? You are now in your common block. The lights are out here as well, and you can barely see anything. However, something--or someone--definitely left a sizable mess. What it is though? All this black... blackness. It's like a sea jaguarian ripped into the ink bladder of a Deep One, that then proceeded to roll around in it. All over. You creep towards the far wall, ready to flip the fuck out at any monster that dares decide to exist. You're so tense you almost don't notice Vicki sitting in a pool of his own blood in the corner. Wait. lususlog >Do something. You are unable to move or think or do anything besides gawk at the broken figure of your guardian. >Gawk at broken figure of your guardian. NO! You need to help Vicki! He can get through this. He has to. >Get help. Only one troll is capable of helping you. You make a quick heel-turn and practically towards your husktop. You just hope he's not busy. -- burlesqueBalderdash [BB] began trolling hazardousPracticioner [HP] -- BB: O>o nasryl something terrible has happened STOP BB: O>o vicki is in need of medical assistance STOP BB: O>o give me instructions on how to STOP STOP BB: O>o uhhhh STOP BB: O>o death STOP HP: what HP: uhh well im nXt sX actually nevermind I can help HP: Tell me what the situation is and make it quick. I'll give what advice I can BB: there's a gaping wound in his head STOP BB: im gonna say its pretty serious STOP HP: Xh gXg this is heavy stuff HP: Apply pressure, stXp the bleeding HP: Keep sXmething wrapped arXund, dXn't mXve him tXX much BB: oh man oh man STOP BB: i cant find anything STOP BB: uhhhhhh STOP HP: Panic is bad. It can be anything, preferably clXth and clean HP: Apply pressure and stXp as much as pXssible BB: ok ok caaaaaalm STOP BB: ... STOP BB: is blood sometimes in spongy chunks STOP HP: HP: HP: NX BB: ... STOP BB: that is never going to wash out is it STOP BB: ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff HP: YXU there Vintag?!! HP: There's always hXpe! I think HP: Fffucck HP: Vierth needs help I gXtta gX I am sX sXrry fXr yXur lXss!!! -- hazardousPractitioner [HP] has ceased pestering burlesqueBalderdash [BB] -- You have fainted. >You silly girl, wake up. ... >This is no time for slumber. .... >Fine. Be that way. I don't need you. I can find some other troll to command. __________________ You know who never sleeps? My gun. Last edited by The SSB Intern; 03-03-2011 at 10:55 PM.