...Well, that was convenient. How nice of Kefka to have a set of buttons that bring us directly to him! We probably couldn't have reached him otherwise.
The obvious reason for Kefka to say "Welcome" to the party is that he's being sarcastic... but I have to say, he's been pretty good about letting us get here so far. De-powering the Gods of Magic? Giving us free teleporters? Not freakin' setting fire to our ship with the Light of Judgment? Kefka's probably lonely up here.
He's not great at sarcasm anyway. He's pre-sarcasmic.
Uh oh. He's got a super gravity-gun.
He's taken the best part of Half-Life 2 and turned it against us.
"You can take our lives and you can take our freedom, but you will NEVER take our fecundity!"
Load the baby-cannon.
"Or I will."
Kefka feels the need to SMACK a Bitch.
...Okay, every character lists something and rather than take up all that space with pictures I wrote them down.
Eunuch: A peaceful kingdom.
AHNULD: A loving brother who always looks out for me! Gah-ha-ha-ha!
Store: Someone willing to accept me for who I am.
Sarda: An adorable little granddaughter.
Loli: An obnoxious grandpa... who I couldn't live without!
Hefner: Wings from a dear old friend!
Danser: New pals, kupo!
You: These people! All them! Uwaooo!
Kefka: *facepalm*
...Oh crap. Most of our party members listed OTHER PARTY MEMBERS as their reasons for living. It'll be hard to fight Kefka when everyone's dead.
Kefka could not hit the broad side of a barn.
Actually, he probably hit several there, but he wasn't aiming at them so it doesn't count.
"I'll hit you eventually!!"
"Because that's how much higher I am than you! HAHAHA!"
Kefka: "Yes I can!"
Bitch: "No you can't!"
Kefka: "No I can't!"
Bitch: "Yes you - wait, FUCK!"
"LIKE YOURS!!"
Kefka: "FUCK!"
Rather than make it take forever and force you all to choose, I just went ahead and picked this team. The top few are the most effective team members anyway, so it all works out.
Oh wow. Big, scary Kefka-torso.
Torsos don't react well to fire, in my experience.
Neither do heads, really.
He uses some ability called Shockwave but I've never actually had it do anything to my party (it missed both times he used it) so I can't say much.
When Torso-Kefka (Torska? Kefso?) is wiped out, we start magically floating upward to do battle with a bunch of other, minor Kefkas, including one that is a woman, one that is a tiger and one that can only be described as Dr Manhattan.
They put up a bit more of a fight; She-Kefka casts Reraise on all the others, but is vulnerable to Gravity so she wasn't much of a challenge. One of the others also casts Southern Cross pretty frequently. None of the other bodies seemed to do anything useful.
You then float up to fight Throne-Kefka, who is accompanied by a being I will refer to as Goddesshead Pickle Inspector - GPI, if you will. GPI absorbs most, if not all, magical elements, casts White Wind to heal herself and Throne-Kefka, but does not fondly regard physical attacks, and we had those by the gallon.
Throne-Kefka cast Tornado a few times but otherwise didn't cause much harm.
Pretty easy boss fight so far, I gotta say. Eunuch has been the only casualty, and they are swapped out for the next party member in line after each stage.
But the fight is not over yet.
Oh, no.
Kefka is a purple angel of some kind.
One with six wings.
And he seems very, very happy to see us.
You want a few practice shots?
Here, I'll even Sketch you up a target.
Hah-HA! Taste the most powerful magic in the game!
...
...Wait, what?
I honestly don't know what happened to Ultima, but Kefka managed to use Heartless Angel instead, bringing everyone's health down to 1. That frees up Loli though, because if she can't spam Ultima then she may as well heal everyone while the rest of the group attacks.
I hope that means he's almost dead.
...Or... maybe he's making another of himself? I dunno, he's holding on to his own head. Gross.
...Uh oh. I can has Reraise?
GAAAH
...Well, that was underwhelming.
...Is he...?
Fuck, that was underwhelming in GENERAL.
Oh, dammit, this isn't one of those Metroid-style "Get to the ship before the planet explodes" things, is it?
...Actually, no it isn't. I beat Kefka. The gameplay bit is over. Now it's just watching.
That doesn't strike me as a good thing to rely on if she's going to evaporate any second.
But escaping gives us a good chance to look at each character and what they're doing.
AKA Thou.
IT'S A FUCKING PRESSURE PLATE.
STEP ON IT YOU ASS
:gonk:
AKA Hefner.
Door number one, or door number two?
Number one it is...
...not!
Number one it is not.
Obviously not, because even if you're right you're always wrong. Clearly.
AKA Eunuch. AKA Edgarroni. AKA Riceroni.
AKA AHNULD. AKA Detective John Kimble.
AHNULD: "Speaking of which, are you almost done? This thing weighs at least 3 tons.
Eunuch: "Sorry, were you talking? I kinda zoned out there for a second."
AKA Danser.
Isn't this supposed to showcase what the characters are good for? Because jumping is pretty much ALL Danser can do.
Except, umm, dance.
I'm still wondering how a hook could pick Danser up without any loops or handholds.
AKA.... hey, what the fuck, I didn't invite Gimp along!
"HULK IS SKILLED PROBLEM SOLVER!"
"Gimp want to be like Hulk when grow up."
"Gimp bring honour to Gimp family with gamma ray science."
AKA... something. I forget.
Just like in FF7, except in that game, it's player-controlled. Yuck.
Oh, right. It.
That whole sidequest seems pointless considering that I haven't had It in my party at all, ever.
Perfect mimicry!
And then It falls down into the bottomless pit, never to be seen again. Oh well.
AKA You. But I mean that in the nicest possible way.
FF6 Rockboarding, coming soon to cellphones in Japan.
MOAR SHORTCUTS PL0X
Oh, that You. What a zany, homicidal freak.
AKA Cocke Lole.
AKA General Store, formerly of the Imperial Army.
Oh no! The bandanna!
Store: "This bandanna... it reminds me of..."
Store: "Snake... I'll never forget you!"