My most recent song lyrics

CheshireThief · 08-28-2004, 11:44 PM

Well, being the song-writing-type guy I am, I decided to post my most recent lyrics. I finally got that band put together, and we start practicing next week. Woo. The song is titled "A Girl I Know", and I'd love to get some feedback on it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Girl I Know

There's a girl I know
She's got a life of her own
But a life all alone
Can be hard
I think she cries all the time
But when I ask her why
She says, "I'm fucking fine,
You retard!"

I know what you are going through
I know 'cause I have been there too
Just gotta do what you gotta do
Because I drove myself crazy
I drove myself crazy
I drove myself crazy
And so will you

There's a girl I know
She's got a heart of her own
But a heart left alone
Will be broken
I see love in her eyes
That's her clever disguise
Because a love left unknown
Can't be spoken

Tell me what you are going throuh
Tell me, I might have been there too
Decide what you are gonna do
Before you drive yourself crazy
You drive yourself crazy
You drive yourself crazy
What can we do?

Inspiration set aside
All motivation left behind
It's like you're fighting with yourself
And you don't care
Complications may arise
When you fill your head with half-formed lies
You're thinking only of yourself
'Cause you don't care
You don't care

There's a girl I know
Has no life, stays at home
She knows that life all alone
Can be tough.
Friendships begin
When relationships end
But friendship alone's
Not enough

I know what you are going through
I know 'cause I'm going there too
Afraid to do what we gotta do
And now I drive myself crazy
I drive myself crazy
I drive myself crazy
And so do you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There you have it. Critique away.

The Mirror Emperor · 08-28-2004, 11:57 PM

It's good but I can't put a definite answer until I hear a clip of it. I don't think the line "I'm fucking fine you retard" works good on a rock/love song such as this.

CheshireThief · 08-28-2004, 11:58 PM

Haha. It never fails. Every time I show people lyrics, they want to hear them!

Oh well. I may record a bit of it in a little while. It'll give me something to do.

BlackMageGirl! · 08-29-2004, 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Mirror King

It's good but I can't put a definite answer until I hear a clip of it. I don't think the line "I'm fucking fine you retard" works good on a rock/love song such as this.

I have to agree with this one, it just doesn't fit.

This might be rude, but I have to ask. Could you tell us who this girl is? If I'm being too nosy please tell me and I will ask no more.

CheshireThief · 08-29-2004, 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackMageGirl!

I have to agree with this one, it just doesn't fit.

This might be rude, but I have to ask. Could you tell us who this girl is? If I'm being too nosy please tell me and I will ask no more.

It's about a friend of mine. And that line is in there because it's something she actually said. It's in there to make it more personal. It could be changed, I'm just not sure to what.

Mr. Viewtiful · 08-29-2004, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CheshireThief

It's in there to make it more personal. It could be changed, I'm just not sure to what.

I'd suggest putting in another quote, just not one that stands out so much. That way, it is still personal, and it fits in well with the rest of the song.

Also, I'd have to agree with the other guys: it looks pretty good on paper (er...monitor?), but a sound clip would make things much easier to form on opinion. Either way, it looks good to me

CheshireThief · 08-29-2004, 12:18 AM

How about replacing said quote with: She says, "Now's not the time. Don't ask why."

I'm about to make at least a half-assed recording.

The Mirror Emperor · 08-29-2004, 12:22 AM

That's a bit better. Other than that, all it needs is the appropriate tune and it could be good.

btw, what's your band called?

Mr. Viewtiful · 08-29-2004, 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CheshireThief

How about replacing said quote with: She says, "Now's not the time. Don't ask why."

That sounds right. It's all up to you in the end, however.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CheshireThief

I'm about to make at least a half-assed recording.

Good luck, and be sure to post up the URL. I'm sure I'm not the only one that'd like to hear it.

CheshireThief · 08-29-2004, 12:31 AM

The band doesn't have a name yet. I keep toying with the name "1-2-3 Not It". My old band was named "WhiskerBiscuit."

I made the recording. It doesn't sound that great, as I'm not warmed up or anything, and now I'm trying to find somewhere to put it. URL will be posted when it comes.

08-28-2004, 11:44 PM	#1
CheshireThief Still RaiRai's ***** Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Shut up, KP. Posts: 2,365	My most recent song lyrics Well, being the song-writing-type guy I am, I decided to post my most recent lyrics. I finally got that band put together, and we start practicing next week. Woo. The song is titled "A Girl I Know", and I'd love to get some feedback on it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Girl I Know There's a girl I know She's got a life of her own But a life all alone Can be hard I think she cries all the time But when I ask her why She says, "I'm fucking fine, You retard!" I know what you are going through I know 'cause I have been there too Just gotta do what you gotta do Because I drove myself crazy I drove myself crazy I drove myself crazy And so will you There's a girl I know She's got a heart of her own But a heart left alone Will be broken I see love in her eyes That's her clever disguise Because a love left unknown Can't be spoken Tell me what you are going throuh Tell me, I might have been there too Decide what you are gonna do Before you drive yourself crazy You drive yourself crazy You drive yourself crazy What can we do? Inspiration set aside All motivation left behind It's like you're fighting with yourself And you don't care Complications may arise When you fill your head with half-formed lies You're thinking only of yourself 'Cause you don't care You don't care There's a girl I know Has no life, stays at home She knows that life all alone Can be tough. Friendships begin When relationships end But friendship alone's Not enough I know what you are going through I know 'cause I'm going there too Afraid to do what we gotta do And now I drive myself crazy I drive myself crazy I drive myself crazy And so do you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There you have it. Critique away. __________________ Holy crap! A CheshireThief spotting! Last edited by CheshireThief; 10-04-2004 at 04:44 PM.

08-28-2004, 11:57 PM	#2
The Mirror Emperor Enigma Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: In the depths of your mind Posts: 706	It's good but I can't put a definite answer until I hear a clip of it. I don't think the line "I'm fucking fine you retard" works good on a rock/love song such as this. __________________ The Mirror Empire has a population of zero. Even I grow tired of myself.

08-28-2004, 11:58 PM	#3
CheshireThief Still RaiRai's ***** Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Shut up, KP. Posts: 2,365	Haha. It never fails. Every time I show people lyrics, they want to hear them! Oh well. I may record a bit of it in a little while. It'll give me something to do. __________________ Holy crap! A CheshireThief spotting!

08-29-2004, 12:18 AM	#7
CheshireThief Still RaiRai's ***** Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Shut up, KP. Posts: 2,365	How about replacing said quote with: She says, "Now's not the time. Don't ask why." I'm about to make at least a half-assed recording. __________________ Holy crap! A CheshireThief spotting!

08-29-2004, 12:22 AM	#8
The Mirror Emperor Enigma Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: In the depths of your mind Posts: 706	That's a bit better. Other than that, all it needs is the appropriate tune and it could be good. btw, what's your band called? __________________ The Mirror Empire has a population of zero. Even I grow tired of myself.

08-29-2004, 12:31 AM	#10
CheshireThief Still RaiRai's ***** Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Shut up, KP. Posts: 2,365	The band doesn't have a name yet. I keep toying with the name "1-2-3 Not It". My old band was named "WhiskerBiscuit." I made the recording. It doesn't sound that great, as I'm not warmed up or anything, and now I'm trying to find somewhere to put it. URL will be posted when it comes. __________________ Holy crap! A CheshireThief spotting!