What Have I done?

[Kirby2000]

What Have I Done?

We see three of the Light Warriors talking. A guy with a face hidden by his blackness in which making his yellow eye the only thing you can see on his face, wearing a blue witch hat with a yellow moon crest on it and dark brown and light brown clown pants was hold two wine bottles and his name was Black Mage. He said, “I’m back from the liquor store.” A guy with white hair and wearing a red robe with a red hat to match with a white feather on it named Red Mage said, “How? All of civilization for miles and miles was washed out to the sea.”

Black Mage then remember going to some place called “Akbar’s Fine Wines” it also had “Might not be paint thinner” Black Mage then winked and said, “I’m very resourceful is how.” A guy in a black ninja suit and blue hair name thief smelled the wine bottles and said, “Smells like paint thinner.” Black Mage then said, “Might not be.” Thief then said, “You know she could die if she drinks this.” Black Mage then said, “The way I see it, the body takes a while to cool. So, either way, I get what I want.” Thief and Red Mage was shocked at what Black Mage just said and Red Mage then said, “That… may be the worst thing you’ve ever said.” Black Mage then said, “Sure, why not. Now get outta my way before…”

A guy in with red hair, a red cape, red and white armor, and a white circa name Fighter came to Black Mage and said, “Black Mage, I have failed.” Black Mage was confused and asked, “Failed at what?” Fighter then said, “I couldn’t turn her back to the way she was before and because I turn her into an avatar of death that mean you are going to take back all of the nice things you said to me.” Black Mage then said, “I don’t have time for this now let me talk to White Mage.” He then went on to a girl with red hair, a gray robe, and red lining on it and her name was White Mage.

Black Mage then said, “Would you like some wine?” White Mage then said, “Why would I take wine from you?” Black Mage then said, “Umm… because this wine have to power to make you more evil because last I check even good people call Fighter dumb and kick Red Mage in the shin. So if you want to unlock the true evil you need to drink these two bottles of wine.” White Mage then said, “You know you may have a point.” She took the two bottles and drank them and White Mage weakly, “For some reason evil don’t taste so good and smell like paint thinner.” She then fainted. Black Mage then grabbed her and said, “I didn’t think that lie would work. Now to have some sex.”

After Black Mage was done doing it he said, “That was great. What did you think of it White Mage?” White Mage was still on the ground. Thief then said, “I think she is dead,” Black Mage then said, “Where did you come from Thief.” Thief then said, “You only moved a few feet away from us to talk to White Mage and then you done it right in front of us and we saw the whole 5 minutes of it. Fighter was the only one who didn’t see it for the fact that he is crying.” Black Mage then said, “She not dead because I heard moaning the whole way thought like the one I hearing right now.” Thief then said, “That was Fighter who was making that sound…It seen he cries like a girl when they have sex.” Black Mage then said in a confuse tone, “That doesn’t even make since.”

Red Mage then, “From the smell of the paint thinner it seems like she die after you said sex, it was just taking awhile to cool down and how did White Mage fell for a trick like that? Maybe she is OOC.” Black Mage then said, “I don’t even know what OOC is but just forget. Now do what a red mage would do and bring her back to life while I go buy more wine so I can do it again.” Red Mage then said, “I don’t know life and if I did then you would have been brought back to life after that Lich killed you.” Red Mage then looked around and saw that Black Mage wasn’t there. Black Mage then came back with two more bottles of wine and in an angry tone, “I thought I told you to bring White Mage back to life.” Red Mage then said scared, “I can’t because I don’t know life and besides didn’t you say that you didn’t care if she dies just as long as you get what you want?” Black Mage then said in a worried tone, “Only because I believe that you could bring her back to life.”

Thief then said, “You just said that in a worried tone. Is it that you love White Mage?” Black Mage then in an angry tone, “I’m an evil wizard, I don’t have time for love as when I destroy the world everyone on it is going to die anyway. I just wanted her for sex and nothing more. Now let me get rid of this wine by letting Fighter have it.” He then went off the Fighter.

Thief then said to Red Mage, “I bet you 5000 gil that Black Mage have feeling for White Mage of something beside lust as in love.” Red Mage then said, “It is on because I sure that it just lust.”

During that talk Black Mage went to Fighter and said, “Umm Fighter, I will not take back all of the ba… I mean good thing I said to you and to show it here is some wine.” Fighter then said, “I know we were bestest buds.” He then drunk both of the wines and said, “You know it taste kind of funny do you have more?” Black Mage then said, “Rats then must have really been wine.” Thief then walked by and picked the empty bottles up and smelled it and said, “It is paint thinner alright.” Fighter then said, “You know I bet White Mage would like some of this wine.”

Black Mage wasn’t listening anymore because he was in his mind thinking.

Black Mage’s POV

I don’t really know what I feeling right now. I do have a maybe small feeling for White Mage but not big enough to worry about her well being and yet I now am. I then heard my evil side said, “You should find a why to bring her back to life while making Fighter drink some more of the wine that may not be paint thinner because either way he will die from too much of it and if you do some how fell in love then you may turn good and have no desire to kill Fighter so do it now.” I then said, “Where my atrociously evil side?” “He not here today now do it.” “I am.” “Do it.” “I am”

Normal POV

Black Mage was now paying attention and got out his money and said, “Here you go Fighter. Just go help yourself to everything in that store over there.” He was pointing to the store he got the wine from. Fighter then hugged Black Mage and said, “You are really a good friend.” He then ran off. Black Mage then said to Thief and Red Mage, “Ok we need to find a way to bring White Mage back to life now.” Thief then said, “Why now don’t we need to find the Air Orb first?” Black Mage then said, “This is more important, now shut up and let’s find out how.”

Part 2 will come another day.
:rmage::With a minute. You forgot to tell the setting.
Me:I have no idea how to tell it.
:rmage::But without setting where how will people know where we at?
Me:I said in the coming soon board what episode it was based on so people can put two and two together and know the setting.

[Nikose Tyris]

Originally Posted by Kirby2000

What Have I Done?

We see...

What did I tell you just a handful of threads ago? That's terrible. NEVER start your stories like this! This isn't a damn TV script you're writing. It's a story. Write it like a STORY.

I tried reading past this but you know what, the whole story is just terrible. Your writing is a butchery of the english language, while the spelling isn't often wrong it's terribly phrased and put together. You don't speak english. You speak Engrish.

Originally Posted by Kirby2000

Black Mage then remember going to some place called “Akbar’s Fine Wines” it also had “Might not be paint thinner” Black Mage then winked and said, “I’m very resourceful is how.” A guy in a black ninja suit and blue hair name thief smelled the wine bottles and said, “Smells like paint thinner.”

No. Try not writing in the... is this the second person? the hell?

Don't write in the second person.

EVER.

No I'm not going to continue reading and editting this. Re-write everything to be in first-person present-tense, and you know just drop all your adverbs entirely. give us the idea of the story and we'll show you how to fill in the rest. What you have is a HORRIBLE story, and in a slightly lesser case, a terrible tv show script.

Write it out properly in third person.

Also Erase that whole post and put "I'm working on it again, I'm sorry Fenris." in it's place because Jesus dude.

[Kyanbu The Legend]

Didn't I advise you to wait several months to a year and practice writing before posting another story?

[Viridis]

Doesn't second-person narrative use 'You' a lot more? The bit you quoted doesn't seem to be like that.

Or do you mean because it's all in the present tense?

If I'm wrong, I'm not too familiar with what 2nd person is, besides what Wikipedia says.

[Krylo]

Originally Posted by Kirby2000

What Have I Done?

Three Warriors, perhaps of light, stood talking amongst themselves. Glowing eyes were the only thing that penetrated from the deep shadows beneath the speaker's straw hat; “I’m back from the liquor store.”

His white haired companion glanced up at him with confusion. “How?" he asked, simply, "All of civilization for miles and miles was washed out to the sea.”

“Akbar’s Fine Wines” the shadowy figure replied. "They assured me that it might not be paint thinner.” With a wink, which was perceptible only as the momentary loss of the eerie glow of his eyes, he added, “I’m a very resourceful guy.”

The man clothed in the ceremonial dress of the ninja walked over and took a sniff of the liquid. “Smells like paint thinner.”

“Might not be,” quipped the man.

“You know she could die if she drinks this,” the 'ninja' replied, in a completely offhand fashion.

I was gonna do the whole thing but I'm tired of this now.

[Viridis]

Originally Posted by Krylo

I was gonna do the whole thing but I'm tired of this now.

See, now I wonder if there's a market for a novelization of 8-Bit Theater.

[Kyanbu The Legend]

Originally Posted by Viridis

See, now I wonder if there's a market for a novelization of 8-Bit Theater.

If there is, then let me know. (Once it's finished, I plan on releasing Mischief Knights as a 100+ page novel complete with 1 CG drawing per scene, improved dialogue, improved fight scenes, bonus chapters, and maybe a concept art disc made by me (If I get better at drawing by then) or what ever artist I pay to do the art for me.)

[Loyal]

It is obvious, Kirby, that you've learned nothing from the criticisms offered, constructive or otherwise.

[phil_]

Well, the story was a bit more readable than the last one, but that was only after internally parsing it into actual English, the same way I'd do for a very poorly written translation of a Japanese comic or cartoon.

Seriously, get a better grip on basic English grammar, like I recommended earlier. Spell-check won't pick up on improper verb conjugation.

[Meister]

A guy with a face hidden by his blackness in which making his yellow eye the only thing you can see on his face, wearing a blue witch hat with a yellow moon crest on it and dark brown and light brown clown pants was hold two wine bottles and his name was Black Mage. He said

Black Mage said. That's enough. It's a fanfic for heaven's sake, the reader knows who the characters are.

“The way I see it, the body takes a while to cool. So, either way, I get what I want.”

She then fainted. Black Mage then grabbed her and said, “I didn’t think that lie would work. Now to have some sex.”

After Black Mage was done doing it he said, “That was great. What did you think of it White Mage?” White Mage was still on the ground. Thief then said, “I think she is dead,” Black Mage then said, “Where did you come from Thief.” Thief then said, “You only moved a few feet away from us to talk to White Mage and then you done it right in front of us and we saw the whole 5 minutes of it. Fighter was the only one who didn’t see it for the fact that he is crying.”

Uhm. Wow. Okay. You see, the "body takes a while to cool" line is only funny because we, as the readers, know Black Mage is too pathetic to actually go through with it. The humour lies in the contrast between outrageous intent and incapable speaker. Now actually going through with it is quite a different thing entirely and, as it turns out, actually quite disgusting. I'm giving thanks to everything anyone has ever given thanks to that you didn't decide to describe it in great detail, but all the same I am in fact not entirely sure how comfortable I am generally with having fanfiction on this forum that features quite straight-played rape/murder complete with the "lovable oaf" character crying in the background.

Sooo yeah. In addition to the whole "write better" response I'd like to add "also write about things that are less psychologically jarring." Also closing this one until after I've talked to some of the other mods about the whole rape thing.