"Ridiculous Questions About Superheroes" or "How Does Superman Get A Haircut?"

[Seil]

So I live in a small town. About a half hour away by car is the main campus of my school, and since I don't drive, that's a long way away/ It's okay, though, because my school has taken space above the public library in town for classes. That means that whenever I finish Biology, I can go downstairs and read comic books. Over time, I've started to wonder about a few things.

Like how does Superman get a haircut? He can stop bullets with his eyes, he no mere human scissors are going to be able to cut his hair. Or shave him. Or trim his nails. Or flush his waste.

For that matter, does Batman go out and get haircuts, or does Alfred do it? Also, if Alfred does it, how dedicated is he that he hasn't just indignantly quit?

Also, why is it that only a few select Batman villains know his identity? How hard is it to deduce? You can see that he's caucasian, tall, and well built. He knows a variety of martial arts. He's got to be a genius, rich or both to come up with his equipment. He's got to be a recluse, or at least on the unavailable side due to the whole crime fighting thing. Hey! You know who's built, rich, knows a variety of martial arts and rarely strays out of the mansion where he lives with only one boy and their butler? Bruce Wayne.

With all the radiation just being all radioactive in Metropolis, how come people aren't in the hospital what with the cancer?

How does one get good insurance in the superhero world?

Who cleans Spiderman's webs off of buildings?

How does Daredevil get through court while being able to hear everyone in the gallery and their heartbeats and everything all the time?

When do superheroes sleep?

The Hulk goes to a variety of places, does a few different things, but something always remains the same. He tears his purple pants. Aside from the fact that I can't find purple pants anywhere, how does he get around? People see the Hulk in torn purple pants, and then they see the resident reclusive scientist walking around naked except for the Hulks pants.

Is Mr. Fantastic good in bed?

In a male-dominanted world, why did Wonder Woman choose a onesie for her costume, despite being built like an amazon?

Why are villains like Doctor Doom and Lex Luthor even alive, let alone holding political office? Haven't they tried to destroy the world once a week, at least?

How did Superman turn back time by reversing the spin of the Earth? Or alter reality with a punch?

Why do so many villains have doctorates?

[Token]

Originally Posted by Seil

So I live in a small town. About a half hour away by car is the main campus of my school, and since I don't drive, that's a long way away/ It's okay, though, because my school has taken space above the public library in town for classes. That means that whenever I finish Biology, I can go downstairs and read comic books. Over time, I've started to wonder about a few things.

Like how does Superman get a haircut? He can stop bullets with his eyes, he no mere human scissors are going to be able to cut his hair. Or shave him. Or trim his nails. Or flush his waste. It depends on how they're defining his powers today. In some cases, hair and whatnot can be cut because it's "dead cells." Sometimes, he cuts it himself with careful heat vision and mirrors. Occasionally, his invulnerability is a subconscious tactile-telekinesis type deal, which means he can sort of shut it off for stuff like that.

For that matter, does Batman go out and get haircuts, or does Alfred do it? Also, if Alfred does it, how dedicated is he that he hasn't just indignantly quit?
Dude's rich, and you're operating on a pretty inaccurate concept of Batman. The entire point of the Wayne persona is to be a bumbling rich idiot so no one suspects him- I'd be surprised if he didn't go out to get his hair cut.

Also, why is it that only a few select Batman villains know his identity? How hard is it to deduce? You can see that he's caucasian, tall, and well built. He knows a variety of martial arts. He's got to be a genius, rich or both to come up with his equipment. He's got to be a recluse, or at least on the unavailable side due to the whole crime fighting thing. Hey! You know who's built, rich, knows a variety of martial arts and rarely strays out of the mansion where he lives with only one boy and their butler? Bruce Wayne.
Once again, inaccurate. No one really knows Wayne's good with martial arts, he's out of the cave pretty frequently and is well known to the public, has way more than one boy running around, and it's DC. There are built, tall white dudes all over.

With all the radiation just being all radioactive in Metropolis, how come people aren't in the hospital what with the cancer? Only important when it's a plot point. Giving Luthor cancer, for example.

How does one get good insurance in the superhero world? Carefully, and by not living in New York.

Who cleans Spiderman's webs off of buildings? Spider-Man has a hyphen in it. Also the webs dissolve after a couple of hours.

How does Daredevil get through court while being able to hear everyone in the gallery and their heartbeats and everything all the time? Same way anyone with super senses manages?

When do superheroes sleep? Depends on the hero. Batman takes tiny micronaps, because he's an obsessive douche. Superman doesn't really need sleep, but he tends to get by at night, since he mostly operates during the day. None of them are really active 24/7

The Hulk goes to a variety of places, does a few different things, but something always remains the same. He tears his purple pants. Aside from the fact that I can't find purple pants anywhere, how does he get around? People see the Hulk in torn purple pants, and then they see the resident reclusive scientist walking around naked except for the Hulks pants. Hulk is boring, who cares.

Is Mr. Fantastic good in bed? Yes in that the sex is fantastic, no in that he's inattentive.

In a male-dominanted world, why did Wonder Woman choose a onesie for her costume, despite being built like an amazon? Because male writers and male audiences

Why are villains like Doctor Doom and Lex Luthor even alive, let alone holding political office? Haven't they tried to destroy the world once a week, at least? Not really? Once we get out of the silver age, Luthor is pretty legitimate in the public's eye- there was a time when he was even the president, in fact. Claiming you've changed and being charismatic and rich as fuck can do wonders. As for Doom, he's a leader of a nation that's practically a utopia, once you ignore the dictator thing- he's incredibly good to his people, and even the god of the most advanced nation in the MCU admitted that Doom's rule is the only way humanity can survive. Frankly, if it wasn't for his grudge against that accursed RICHARRRDS, he'd probably have turned the entire planet into a paradise.

How did Superman turn back time by reversing the spin of the Earth? Or alter reality with a punch? Time thing is stupid movie logic. As for the altering reality thing, that wasn't technically Superman (long story), the character was from the fictional version of our dimension, and he essentially punched the fourth wall because he was unhappy with how the story was going. Insanely stupid, but in the long run, worth it to fix a lot of stupid plot holes and shit (while accidentally creating a few new ones, but that's comics for ya.)

Why do so many villains have doctorates? Because they're the smart ones. Besides, it's pretty bitchin' to have a PhD in Horribleness.

alright let's sperg this shit

[tacticslion]

Dang it, Token! You beat me to it!

... well played, sir. Well played.

[Amake]

Okay let's up the ante heah.

What would happen if Captain Marvel and Zatanna held hands and yelled MAZAHS together?

What powers do Crazy Jane have exactly?

What if Jesse Custer told a dude to fly?

Speaking of "Preacher", what would happen if the Saint of Killers shot himself?

In "Powers", how can they have a universally effective genetic-level power drainer when the world's collective medical expertise breaks down crying every day because they have no idea how any given power biologically compares to a regular person, let alone other powers?

And most important of all, how come Master Chief has three rivets on the back of the hand of his Spartan suit in one issue and then all of a sudden in the next issue he has four?

[Bum Bill Bee]

I wouldn't know about most of those things, but with the Spider-man's web question, its well known that his webbing disolves in an hour, so no one would have to clean it.

Now here's a classic question from me: What's the use of an invisible jet if the pilot can still be seen?

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Originally Posted by Bum Bill Bee

I wouldn't know about most of those things, but with the Spider-man's web question, its well known that his webbing disolves in an hour, so no one would have to clean it.

Now here's a classic question from me: What's the use of an invisible jet if the pilot can still be seen?

Most recent media make this moot by making the pilot invisible as well.

[Bells]

Not a single question about Superman having sex.... or the Flash.... or Wonder Woman... you guys are way more mature than i thought you were.

Fo'shame...

[Bum Bill Bee]

Originally Posted by Bells

Not a single question about Superman having sex.... or the Flash.... or Wonder Woman... you guys are way more mature than i thought you were.

Fo'shame...

Well, in Spider-man Dark Reign (or whatever it was called, it was the one where Peter was an old man) Peter killed MJ with his radioactive semen during sex. And in Adam Warren's Empowered several characters got their powers through STDs.

I also liked to think that Shocker used his vibration gauntlets as a sex toy, but that's all I got on the subject of sex.

[Bells]

Does it make moot the point that an ancient Greek Amazon Goddess Tribe has the msot advanced Stealth Jet and knows how to fly it...::

[Amake]

We've been over the question of how Superman has sex before. The answer is, very carefully and don't let a porn mag editor write it. But the much bigger question is what happens when he unleashes several hundred million flying, invincible supersperm.

Also the Amazons have much more advanced technology than the patriarchal world. They have mastered asexual reproduction so I wouldn't wonder about an invisible plane. . .although it's really just a remnant from the golden age when for some reason Wonder Woman had the most outlandish powers and contraptions to get away with flying despite for some reason never being given the basic power of flight.