Two Alternative and Highly Informative Reviews of "Cowboys & Aliens"

[Lumenskir]

First Review: About a third as entertaining as this.

Second Review:
Q: What temperature would it have to be before you break down and willingly pay to go see Cowboys & Aliens in the theater in order to make use of the air conditioning?
A: 108 degrees Farenheit.

[Nique]

But... Olivia Wilde

[Azisien]

That's too bad if its crap. But on the other hand, I still have to see Deathly Hallows Pt 2, Captain America, and Attack the Block. Saved me some money!

[Marc v4.0]

Worth a box of popcorn and two tickets.

Shit was entertaining, that should be plenty enough out of a summer action movie called Cowboys and Aliens

[Magus]

Hmm, I inexplicably never got around to seeing this this weekend despite all plans to do so.

Perhaps the universe itself was keeping me from spending five dollars on this?!

Because clearly the universe is interested in keeping individual people from wasting money on bad movies (though for some reason it didn't keep me from seeing Max Payne).

EDIT: So wait did you actually see the movie Lumenskir and it was bad or was just the general idea putting you off? Because it looked okay to me, anyway, since I'm sure they're at least partially aware they have created a science fiction western.

[Lumenskir]

But... Olivia Wilde

Yes, Olivia Wilde in quite possibly the dowdiest Western garb imaginable. Unless you have a massive hard on for her face, don't go in expecting much. Also, if all you're interested in is her, grab Alpha Dog.

Attack the Block

Not playing near me :<((((

Worth a box of popcorn and two tickets.

Shit was entertaining

Except none of this is true.

It was a mediocre and mostly boring Western punctuated every so often by anemic alien attacks.* They had the good sense to hire a bunch of great actors, but none of them are given anything to do. In fact, I'd say that the fact that they managed to cast Keith Carradine as a lawman and Walton Goggins as an outlaw and still couldn't make them work is downright criminal (although that's mostly because the former gets abducted right when he is getting interesting and the latter gets like five minutes total of screentime).

*Seriously, they owe massive royalties to that Far Side comic strip seeing as every alien ship appearance apes it constantly.

And it isn't even entertaining in a 'turn off your brain' kind of way since it's boring (like three and a half action sequences in a two hour movie) and it wants you to be involved with the characters (I'm guessing, since they talk constantly without saying anything worth anything) but the characters have absolutely nothing going for them. Daniel Craig has a mediocre American accent and spends 90% of his lines saying he doesn't know who he is, Harrison Ford looks perpetually woken up from a nap, and the rest are playing cookie cutter archetypes with no seasoning. When they actually do fight the aliens it's mostly just guys randomly shooting pistols around before an alien tackles them off their horse, repeated over and over.

Seriously, just see Captain America again. Or possibly Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Because it looked okay to me, anyway, since I'm sure they're at least partially aware they have created a science fiction western.

They really didn't, at least not in a self-aware "Oh we're making a movie based on a ridiculous premise" kind of fun way. This movie would be exactly the same if you changed the aliens to rampaging Indians.

I mean, because it is still fresh in my memory, there's a scene in Captain America where a Nazi holds a kid hostage, then throws the kid into a nearby river and runs off, and the Cap looks in the river and the kid's floating along happily and is like "I can swim, go after the Nazi!" and you realize the writers were aware of ridic cliches and how to play with them. Cowboys & Aliens is like a western written Mad-Libs style where 'aliens' is scribbled over and over again, and they think that's enough failing to realize they haven't actually done anything inventive or fun.

[Kroze Gamegod]

Oh god... THIS movie... so bad...

My BRUTALLY honest review that I would personally like to think is actually more entertaining then the actual movie itself.

Thank god I got into a press screening and didn't have to pay actual money to see that crap!

[Marc v4.0]

Originally Posted by Lumenskir

Except none of this is true.

Damn, really? I felt entertained, I was sure of it...


edit: Good news, I double checked and it turns out I WAS entertained, and DID feel it was worth the price of popcorn and tickets! I am relieved.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Haven't seen it but allt he reviews have led to me believe its not just aliens and cowboys having a super fight with ridiculous over the top stock characters and cheesy 50s special effects which is how I would have made it.

[Fifthfiend]

Originally Posted by Smarty McBarrelpants

Haven't seen it but allt he reviews have led to me believe its not just aliens and cowboys having a super fight with ridiculous over the top stock characters and cheesy 50s special effects which is how I would have made it.

I would have used modern CGI special effects to ape shitty 50s special effects as closely as possible.

Basically I am saying I would spend four hundred thousand dollars per minute of screentime to create the most breathtakingly realistic nearly-invisible strings holding up my incredibly realistically CGI'd fake-looking alien spaceships that have ever been captured on film.