Trollslum Act 1: Welcome to Alternia

[Aldurin]

Aldurin is now allowing you to be Aldurin, but only for now.

> Review Sgrub code

You've already done that twice, and you have to say that it was pretty awesome. You're sure it has compatibility with everyone's computers by now, and you'd rather not turn on your computer just to suddenly turn away and thereby allow your lusus to hijack your Trollian account.

>Initiate the only flashback sequence that will probably matter so far.

You remember back to how you got the code for Sgrub.

*Insert wavy fade-out effect on your imagination*

You are now Aldurin in the past, approximately several orbital cycles of Alternia's moon in the past. What will you do?

>Shop for sweet tech shit

Unfortunately, Grubslist and Trollbay are offline, you'll have to resort to a trader to find something. There is one troll who is known to get her hands on anything and everything over a large history with trading. Might as well ring her up.

-- technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling bathorysIllustrator [BI] --

TA: hEy, dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt mIght IntErEst mE? lIkE A "sUpErwEApOn" mAybE?
BI: Who are you?
BI: I don't own any "superweapon".
TA: dAmmAt, It's AldUrIn. dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt lOOks AwEsOmElY tEchnOlOgIcAl thEn?
BI: OH! My antique collectione! You must be referring to that!
BI: Are you interested in barteringe with me then?
TA: yEs, I'vE dEvElOpEd mAnY dIffErEnt tEchnOlOgIEs yOU mIght bE IntErEstEd In.
TA: dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt yOU hAvE nO IdEA whAt It dOEs bUt It lOOks AdvAncEd?
BI: Oh yes! I do indeed!
BI: So many neat objectse gathered by tons of Flarpers! Some of them are really quite interesting.
TA: AnY Of thEm fIt mY dEscrIptIOn? If nOt thEn fInd sOmEthIng thAt lOOks ExtrEmEly dAngErOUs bUt yOU stIll dOn't knOw whAt It dOEs.
BI: Oh I couldn't imagine any of my relics to be dangerouse!
BI: Quite a few do seem very advancede for there time though!
BI: Where is your hive at? Not many trolls live close by.
TA: I lIvE On A rEmOtE mOUntAIn, sOmE 500 trOllOmEtErs nOrth Of thE EqUAtOr.
TA: I'm trAckIng yOUr sIgnAl tO OnE Of thE pOlAr cAps, Is thIs cOrrEct?
BI: :O
BI: How did you know I lived there?
BI: You must be very smarte!
TA: It's OnE Of thE bEnEfIts Of mY wOrk. sO dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt lOOks AdvAncEd, pOssIbly shIny?
BI: Many!
BI: But one in particular I got a sweepe back might interest you!
BI: It looks oddly like a telescope, but it has a very heavy base!
TA: thAt's cOOl, whAt wOUld yOU lIkE In rEtUrn? I hAvE mAnY tEchnOlOgIEs thAt ArE UsEfUl In An ArctIc EnvIrOnmEnt.
BI: The colde has never been a problem for me!
TA: dO yOU hAvE AnY IncOnvEnIEncEs? AnYthIng thAt bOthErs yOU bUt yOU're nOt sUrE hOw tO fIx?
BI: Oh waite! Yes!
BI: I have been working on ice sculptures recently! But my chisele can't cut into anything well enoughe!
BI: Would you have somethinge?
TA: I dO hAvE A mOdIfIEd lOw-rEcOIl chAInsAw bUIIt wIth dAImOnd tEEth And cOmplEtElY IdIOt/sUIcIdE prOOf.
TA: It wIll dEfInItElY cUt yOUr IcE wIth prEcIsIOn, And It's lIghtwEIght tOO.
TA: YOU'll bE mAkIng mAstErpIEcE scUlptUrEs In nO tImE!!
BI: It sounds like a goode deale!
BI: The scope was taking up a lot of room anywyas. :/.
BI: Maybe I can move something else in.
TA: It's A grEAt dEAl fOr bOth Of Us thEn, I'll bE On mY wAY Up In A fEw dAYs tO mAkE thE trAdE.
TA: sOUnd cOOl?
BI: I'll be waiting on the topside then!
BI: And maybe while you're there you can examine the ruins!.
TA: rUIns?
BI: Yes! Its a large temple that lies neare my Hive.
BI: I like to show visitors around it.
TA: hAvE yOU EvEr fOUnd AnYthIng IntErEstIng In It?
BI: Oh there is all sorts of writing on the walls!
BI: I don't really understand it, but someone once told me it was a code.
BI: I think I've seen some platforms and a large pedestal with a timer as well.
BI: Some broken monitorse are also lying around, but my lusus doesn't want me exploring ant further into it.
TA: yA, lUsII ArE wIErd, It sOUnds lIkE It's wOrth chEckIng OUt
TA: crApdAmmIt nOw mY lUsUs Is gEttIng In A fIt AbOUt thIs trIp
TA: hE wAs On bOArd UntIl thE tEmplE, dOn't knOw whY
TA: I'll ActUAllY bE thErE tOmOrrOw tO mAkE thE trAnsActIOn OncE I mAkE sUrE thE chAInsAw Is sAfE And fUnctIOnAl.
BI: Wonderful! I'll be waitinge for you then!

-- bathorysIllustrator [BI] has ceased trolling technopathicalAnomaly [TA] --

Well you've learned some important lessons from that. One, the fact that she mistakes a cannon for a telescope indicates Glissa won't be very reliable for finding anymore stuff. Two, you've discovered the moral dilemma of why would you trade with her a cannon she doesn't know how to use and give her a chainsaw you're gonna teach her how to use. Three, there is apparently technology in some ruins, either that or that naive girl mistook some carvings for circuitry. Might as well check it out while you're there.

>Use cannon to launch yourself to Glissa's hive

You're going to the hive to buy the cannon, dumbass!! You equip your thermal lab coat that proved to be a life-saver when you tested the freeze ray, and grab your jet shoes.

>Time lapse to the next day

You are now on the beach outside of Glissa's hive, partially due to the error that you didn't anticipate her being an aquatic troll. But you probably should have figured that out with her signal coming from a negative elevation.

Glissa pops out of the water nearby, somehow lugging what appears to be an ancient pulse cannon twice her size. How she managed to drag it without using her Sylladex or why she wouldn't use her Sylladex is beyond your understanding.

You make the trade and give her a quick tutorial on the chainsaw, and by sheer luck she doesn't accidentally kill you with it during that lesson.

>This is boring, time lapse to the temple

It is now five minutes later and you are outside of the frog temple. Glissa is acting as the guide, which you figure is okay as long as she walks in front, and she seems to know exactly where to go.

Crapdammit, your lusus got on your computer again.

--technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling technopathicalAnomaly [TA]--
TA: dammit Aldurin, I told you not to go in there
TA: gEt Off mY dAmn cOmpUtEr!! whY wOn't yOU mAkE yOUr Own AccOUnt?
TA: what you find in that temple will have drastic consequences, I'm serious.
TA: whAtEvEr
--technopathicalAnomaly [TA] blocked technopathicalAnomaly [TA]--

You swear, that lusus is a real basketcase. He claims to live for centuries and not originally be a lusus, which is definitely a load of crap, and he insists on using Trollian but won't make his own account. It doesn't help when he starts pondering whether or not longevity is a gift or a curse.

This has got to be one of the dumbest ruins, ever, of all time. It looks like a temple for worshiping frogs. Nothing here seems to be of troll design, and you begin to wonder if your lusus is really as old as he is.

Glissa has somehow not gotten both of you lost, leading you to a room with a device that looks like a bulb and- OH SHIT THAT'S A COUNTDOWN ON THAT THING WITH 30 SECONDS LEFT!!

You quickly grab Glissa and abscond outside of the temple, you hope that the structure can contain most of the blast. Your head-in-the-clouds companion claims that it was always counting down, even when she first saw it.

Now this is even worse, it's probably motion activated and stuck on 5 seconds now. You decide the best plan of action is to send Glissa in by herself to check on it in order to reduce losses in case of an explosion.

*A minute of tense waiting later*

You decide that if anything is gonna happen then it would have already happened. Might as well go in there and get her corpse back to the ocean.

You find Glissa at the bulb/bomb, somehow alive. The countdown is at zero and the bulb has . . . bloomed? That's it? If you were to put a countdown on something it would definitely do something more drastic than bloom. It appears the bulb contains two discs, each with one of those weird mathematical shapes on the top.

You have no means of examining it here at this giant pile of stones. Glissa allows you to take it with you, apparently she figures that her lusus will calm down once it's gone.

>un-initiate flashback sequence

So now here you are, at the present. Damn program took you months to convert to binary and then to proper troll programming languages. But it looks worthwhile. From what you can tell from the markup, it's a game that's been enhanced down to the last detail to the point that it probably looks real when installed.

In fact, the only thing that keeps you from installing it is that it requires multiple people to work, apparently each person serves as a "client" to one and a "server" to the other. You've been getting all of your contacts informed of this game, and have sent word that you'll send it out once you finished burning enough discs. Apparently the game is so huge that both the client and server programs require separate discs.

The only thing that you know for sure is that this is going to be the best game you've ever played and probably will play.

>Now that we know that stuff can we please go back to being another troll?

[Geminex]

> Be the troll with the hive full of mentally scarring things.

You are now SCALIS LECTOR.

You are Alternia's youngest KEEPER OF TOMES AND ARTIFACTS IN A CENTRALIZED ARCHIVE. This may be because you are currently also the only troll on Alternia to hold such a position. Your hive is the great LIBRARCHIVARY of the troll world, which you inhabit alongside your LUSUS. Your tasks as LITERAPPRENTICE include managing, organizing and restoring COLLECTIONS, maintaining and updating FILES AND CATALOGUES, patrolling the NETHER ARCHIVES for signs of ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS OUT FOR DESTRUCTION SPRINGING FROM THE FELL DEPTHS OF THE LIBRARCHIVARY, battling DEADLY LITERARANOMALIES, uncovering your hive's DARK AND APOCALYPTIC SECRETS and making sure that SILENCE is maintained at all times within the reading halls.

When you are not engaged in fullfilling your duties, or learning the arts of the great WARCHIVISTS, you enjoy reading anything that strikes your fancy. This includes anything from OBSCURE SCIENTIFIC TEXTS, most of which YOU DOUBT EVEN THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR WOULD UNDERSTAND, to one of your many, many favorite SERIES. You have even contributed to the LIBRARCHIVARY'S extensive collection with your own UTTERLY UNINTELLIGIBLE WRITING on topics such as THE NATURE OF THE NATURE OF LITERATURE; VERY ABSTRACT META-STRATEGY and LIGHTING: A MIRACLE? You are extremely proud of your works, though you have yet to write adequate entertainment.

Despite your position, you are horrible at ORGANISATION OF ANY SORT. You frequently have difficulty arranging your trains of thought, let alone an entire LIBRARCHIVARY. You live in a place where literally everything exists, yet you are GODAWFUL AT FINDING ANYTHING SPECIFC. When you rearranged your fling system recently, you managed to misfile your RESPITEBLOCK and you have no idea where it is now located. Certainly not under R.
Your failure to bring order is a frequent CAUSE FOR FRUSTRATION, though you are making progress!
Probably.

When cosnerving wiht osther, you are follarmy oquelnet and tend not to ues cantrictoons.Your trotllag is pandorasArchivist and your disorzanigation is refcelted by the mirrassangement of lettesr wihtin your wrods.


But you have work to do. The MANIFETATIONS have been restless indeed, and while you're not quite sure what they are, you certainyl don't want to let them MANIFEST any more than they have. Time to take your ARCHIVISTS TOME OF OFFICE and get back on patrol. With any luck, you will avoid your lusus in the progress. He does not like you to PATROL.


> See what else is going on.

[Amsterdam]

>See what else is going on.

You are now SYRINXA SORIDA and you're.. oh god what is all that smelly garbage?

>Examine smelly garbage.

It turns out it is actually NOT smelly garbage, but rather bowls upon bowls made of rock and bone full of sizzling, bubbling and seething liquids, you don a protective mask and thick gloves, and resume poking and prodding their contents with various stirrers.

>Insist that it is smelly garbage and cover your nose.

You frown and dump one bowl into another, mixing the hissing liquids with one another and shielding your face with her arm against the cloud of acrid smoke that the union created. But once the smog clears she looks rather pleased, and dumps the now yellowish green liquid into a glass test tube and places it on a large shelving unit with many containers like it, in varying shades of brown and green and other gross looking colors.

>Taste sludge.

Fool! This is an extremely DANGEROUS toxin made from some of the most poisonous creatures and plants of the forest. Who are you anyway, OO? That sounds like a suggestion she would make. You have serious reservations about ever letting her near your laboratory.. But no. You're not going to eat it.

>Arm yourself!

Your hand floats over the various toxins and venoms in your arsenels, finally choosing a jade green liquid. The tube smokes when you uncap it, and you dump the contents into an empty bowl. You then busy yourself dipping the pointed tips of feathered darts into the bowl. This looks like it will take a while.

>Be someone who's doing something less boring and smelly.

[POS Industries]

>Be someone who's doing something less boring and smelly.

You are now Ballaa.

>Continue investigation.

You have been compiling evidence for weeks now in the case of a highly unorthodox robbery of a groceteria located in the general vicinity of one of your allies, wherein a ludicrous amount of the business' merchandise went missing. Newsgrub moltings, possible motives, suspect profiles, and imagery of evidence found at the crime scene litter the far wall above your recuperacoon, all connected by threads leading you to the only possible perpetrator.

But as much as it pains you, you have to accept that the burglar was your friend all along. But justice shall not be bound by the chains of endearment!

>Leap to the Batcomputer and confront the evildoer!

You have no idea what a "Batcomputer" is. Or a what a sporting club has to do with anything.

>Fine. Leap to the Wingedratcomputer and--

Actually, now that you think about it, there is an archaic highblood term for wingedrats that you believe may have been "bats," but it's probably something you'll have to look up. In the meantime, it certainly does have a nicer ring to it so maybe for the sake of saving time you might start making use of the vernacular. If nothing else, it does put your own sort of flair to...

>Just get to the goddamn computer already!

You leap to the Batcomputer and confront the evildoer! The only way you can! On the internet! You make sure to glower as fearsomely as you possibly can, despite the fact that no one can see you doing it.

-- vengefulRodentia [VR] began trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO] --

VR: all right caprii... it's OVER.
VR: ...
VR: i KNOW it was... you.
VR: fess up. NOW.

Oh yes, you can feel it. The fearsome glowering is just permeating terror through the internet's many tubes!

>Nope, too silly. Be another troll.

[mauve]

>Nope, too silly. Be another troll.

You are now GORRMA. You are in the middle of a snack break when you hear your HUSKTOP's message alert. Oh look, someone is TROLLING you! What a nice surprise! Who could that be?

>Stop speculating and go see.

But you're in the middle of a snack! Don't you want to finish your delicious plate of--

>DON'T FINISH THAT SENTENCE; NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT SHE'S EATING.

Fiiine. You put down your..... snack.... and go to your husktop.

Uh oh, it's the Wingedrat afficionado. You hope he's not trying to pin the "criminal theft" of his lost superheo periodicals on you again. You didn't eat them, you swear. You don't like the taste of the yellow-colored ink.

VR's an okay guy, you guess, as long as you don't accidentally start talking about crime or lusii or darkness or wingedrats around him. Wonder what he wants.

>Respond already_

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] began trolling vengefulRodentia [VR].
OO: oh, hi vengie.
OO: what are you talking about?
OO: ish thish a game? did i missh the memo? i didn't know we were playing anything today. that'sh cool, though!
OO: oh, am i the shupervillain?
OO: am i a pretty shupervillain?

[POS Industries]

======>

VR: i...
VR: ...
VR: i GUESS you can be a... PRETTY supervillain...
VR: if that's what you want.
VR: but that's NOT important... not right now.

======>

You have to be careful with this one. She might be playing the role of the oblivious flirt, but you know that the torment of guilt surely stings underneath the facade. This may be just a game to her, but it's not a game she can ever win. You've got the case locked up tight. The target of the crime. The bite marks on the walls. The rampant devouring of the merchandise. The authorities chalk up the culprit as an errant member of the local fauna that had wandered into the nourishment district, but you know better.

You know the truth. You always know.

======>

VR: the CRIME committed... it could have... ONLY been you.
VR: only one appetite... great enough...
VR: forty cakes were... stolen, miss caprii.
VR: ...FORTY.
VR: do you have... any idea... just how MANY that is?

======>

[mauve]

======>

What's he talking about? Of COURSE it's important! If you're gonna play a game, you want to know if you get to be a pretty supervillain like FELINE FEMALE or TOXIC FOREST VINE, or if Ballaa is just calling you to play some lame villain that nobody else wants to play, like OBESE FLIGHTLESS ARCTIC BIRD or something.

======>

Oh...
Oh, he's being serious.
You begin to feel OFFENDED.

OO: oh, sho shomething goesh misshing and you automatically shushpect me.
OO: that'sh kind of rude, ballaa
OO: i mean, i like cakesh ash much ash the next troll, but why would i shteal them when i could make them myshelf?
OO: (i do make a really good grob-berry cake, by the way! i can shend you shome if you want.)
OO: well anyway, couldn't it have been shome of the local fauna wandering into the nourishment dishtrict that ate all the cakesh?
OO: there'sh lotsh of big hungry animalsh around here; i should know. i eat them.
OO: and i mean, forty cakesh is a lot for one troll to eat. forty cakes!
OO: that'sh as many as four tensh!

[POS Industries]

======>

VR: ...yes.
VR: four... tens...
VR: and that's TERRIBLE.

======>

This isn't going as well as you'd hoped. Your surprise interrogation doesn't seem to be breaking her. Maybe you're not glowering at your monitor hard enough. You'll have to work on that.

Still, you never really felt deceit was her thing. Maybe you missed a connection somewhere down the line. Another suspect you weren't aware of. Maybe it really was just some stupid hungry fauna. You'd hate to lose a friend simply because you made a mistake in your investigation. Sure, you know it's nothing personal, that justice is blind. Blind as a wingedra--wait. Bat. Blind as a bat!

You're still getting used to the adoption of the archaic vernacular.

Anyway, maybe you should try to save face a little here, eh?

======>

VR: it... MIGHT have been fauna...
VR: there were... scrapings... around the bite marks at the scene.
VR: possibly created by... braces...
VR: but it COULD have been.... nothing more than a flaw...
VR: ...
VR: in the crime scene imagery i pulled from the internet.
VR: even still... i would FEEL more comfortable knowing your whereabouts... on the night of the crime.
VR: and maybe trying some of that... grob-berry cake you offered IF i haven't pissed you off too much.

[Dracorion]

>Ballaa: Be someone less ridiculous.

You fail to be someone less ridiculous.

You are now Zebrek.

>Zebrek: Resist the urge to squawk like a parrot and shit on your desk.

You fail to resist the urge.

Except while you're squawking on the way to your desk you trip on one of your toys and fall.

>Zebrek: Shoot the offending toy.

Count de Snifferswibbles has tripped you for the LAST TIME.

>======>

Count de Snifferswibbles is now a scorch mark, indentations on the floor and bits of fluff.

JUSTICE.

>Zebrek: Examine walls.

Completely forgetting what you were going to do before, you examine your artwork. It started as unintelligible doodles describing imaginary adventures until you ran out of wall space. At which point, you began to draw over the existing paintings. The cycle continued until your walls were just a giant multicolor mess. And you still keep painting on them.

>Zebrek: Be someone less ridiculous.

[Overcast]

Leraje: STRIFE!

You figure you've left them hanging long enough.

Leraje: Do the First Fight

The tongue had dragged you under the water, your lusus on the other end ready to take a bite out of your skull.
AUTO-PARRY!
You quickly equip your trusty chain and wrap it around the gaping maw of your lusus with the same speed he got your neck. Allowing you to avoid being chewed for a moment and causing enough pain to stop his grip on your throat.
ASCEND!
You swim quickly toward the surface, not inheriting Seymour's massive lung capacity and knowing a fight down here is just asking for trouble.
CAN'T ASCEND, BOY!
Seymour quickly shakes from his chain muzzle and shoots his tongue back up, pulling Leraje back to the battle at hand.
ENTER CINEMATIC
No more time for commands. SHIT JUST GOT REAL. You regain your chain on the way down and wrap it around your fist, pounding the giant salamander right in the kisser, he falls back, but spins about to swipe you with his tail. It meets hard with your torso and you are thrust through the water, breathe expelling from your mouth. You unwrap your fist and grip the thing with both hands, swimming toward the bitey overseer trying to catch it in the links once more. It easily evades your attack, superior swimming skill painfully obvious. It bashes you once more with it's tail, your Oxygen meter takes another terrible hit. The world is starting to get fuzzy.The salamander rushes your way, mouth wide open, you try to defend.

But soon enough you see nothing at all.

Leraje: Wake up!

You wake up in your Respiteblock, next to your husktop. You push yourself up with your right arm you fail to push yourself up with your right arm, due to it no longer being attached to your body. You instead are forced to drag yourself up by your left. You look over your shoulder, Seymour smugly chews on the limb.
Jerkface.
You decide to check on that whole new game thing while there is a pause in the violence. It'll be a little while till the limb comes back after all.