Beachside Story, Chapter I: You savvy, mate?

[Intern Nin]

"What is she, crazy? I not monster, just humble non-suspicious gardener type. You tell her, yes?"

"Hmm, Kug will try. Bear with Kug though, Kug's Amber-tongue* not as good as Kug's Magenta-Tongue**. Or even Kug's Spanish. Kug still remembers the cruel laughter of Kug's cousins."

Kug pulled the ninja lady's face away from his chest and pointed her eyes up to his face.

<Anata no tsuma wa, ?kina shib? kaba, mafur?kuraddo joseidesu! KUG wa... Fuk? wa, watashitachi subete no ue ni suiryoku. ?kina ria KUG de s? 7 chanpur?konbo wa KUG nodesu... Utsukush? haig?sha? KUG wa hij? ni k?tende wa arimasen. Chanpur? no shaberi to, tonikaku mass?jip?r? de senaka ni naifude wa arimasen. KUG, shadouai no taitoru ni ono no ha o sageru koto wa dekimasu ka?>"<Your wife is a big fat hippo, Muffler clad lady! Kug is... the misfortune thrust upon us all. The number seven champloo combo at big rear Kug is Kug's... beautiful consort? Kug is not very curtains. Yapping Champloo is not knife in back at the massage parlor anyway. May Kug lower the hatchet blade to the title of Shadoweye?>"

*Space Fantasy Japanese
**Space Fantasy Central Valley

[Inbred Chocobo]

RAAAUUGGH! sat up completely abruptly. He took a few moments to look around, seeming to completely ignore the apparition. RAAAUUGGH! then reached into his pants area, pulled out a hideous looking tooth, and tossed it to the apparition. "Dere ya go ya humie, dat shou by you'z a nue drink. You'z know were all da orks go?" RAAAUUGGH! asked the apparition. Somewhere in that ork mind of his, he realized he wasn't around the Warboss anymore so didn't need to focus on murdering everything around him just yet. He could take a moment, enjoy the sights and the smells, then murder everything.

[PyrosNine]

Nani? Watashi wa genkaku nodesu ka? Kore wa, korehanandesuka? Anata no kotoba wa sukoshi imiwonasanai ga, anata no akusento wa matomodesu! Soshite soko ni koborudo wa naku, itamemono ga arimasu. Watashi wa, chigai o shitte, watashi wa sono y?na mono o tabe ni sanka suru hito o koroshita, soshite tokiniha tabe nokoshi ga atta. Nani ga machigatte iru? Naze anata wa watashi ni aruite imasu ka? ... Anata wa ippantekina hanashidesu ka?"What? Am I hallucinating? Is this what this is? Your words make little sense, but your accent is decent! And there is a kobold there, not a stir fry. I know the difference, I have killed men who partake in eating such things, and sometimes there were leftovers. What's wrong with you? Why are you walking into me?... Do you speak Common?"

She struggled to push the Barbarian person out of her way, but found her self moving back instead. Perhaps she wasn't quite ready to be killing kobolds if she couldn't quite walk good. She fell over backwards, but remain on her feet, making a 40 degree angle bend. From her lower vantage point, she looked for health aids, potions, and valuables.

Looking back to Kug, she decided to test the waters and speak Common...slowly.

"You.....have.....potions? Po---shun? Lesser RES--TOR-A-SHUN?"

[Arhra]

In what seemed an unreasonably short span of time what looked like a rock with random bits of metal nailed to it fell out of the sky and an angry greenskin emerged, roaring and firing his crude gun wildly. Telm's eyes narrowed as the ork then brutally attacked one of his umbrellas.

Then: gunfire and a bolt from the blue. The ork fell over, smouldering slightly.

Telm decided that problem was in hand. Behind him, the man known only as B stopped reaching for a concealed weapon and slowly lowered his hand.

"So..." Jimmy said to Telm, determinedly directing his mind away from Alastor. "What exactly are you behind schedule for?"

This was a problem he felt like dealing with!

"Festival. Supposed to be preparing for it." Alastor pre-empted him.

"That's right." Telm said. "We're just walking up to the headland, going to grab the truck and move some stuff back here."

In the bar things were getting complicated.

The person at the bar had just barely fended off a mad turtle, and now was faced with a tiny reptile.

"Hello fellow vacation-type person." Gleek said. "Nice scurvy lady on beach needs juice. Big guy said so." The spy helpfully flashed his terrible forged documentation.

The retail staffer's suspicious look eased a little, replaced by uncertainty. "Well, we've got a few -"

Kug stepped around the counter and started going through the bottles looking for juice. The bar person was quelled by the Pizza Barbarian's steely gaze and towering stature. Sighting Telm (the all-powerful owner of the bar), the acting barman (a poor, put-upon, generic looking teenager) rushed over in a panic.

"Mister Telm, Mister Telm!" he said, appealing to authority. "There was this turtle man and I tried to explain to him that we don't start serving alcohol until midday, but he was crazy! And then and then that giant guy," he pointed cringingly at Kug, slightly more brave with Telm as a shield, "came right behind the bar and stole some punch!"

Telm put a steadying hand on the kid's shoulder.

"Calm down there, Johnny. Gnome'll be here in a minute and she can take over the bar for you. She'll be more than able to sort any turtles." He pitied the turtle should it come to it. Turning to Kug he said. "Well, it's for a good cause, so it's on the house. But next time wait."

- IX -

Very close by where a mysterious cloaked figure was confronting Raaugh, crystalline eyes were looking at his means of entry with disdain. Gnome brushed brown bangs out of her eyes with annoyance as she craned her head back to take in the full extent of the ork's transport. This unsightly crude drop pod was cluttering up an otherwise pristine beach. Gnome tapped it, then rubbed her hand on her shorts as if to remove some unsightly residue. The diminutive earth elemental interlaced her fingers and stretched her arms in front of her with a set of clicks. It was going to have to go.

- IX -

Kug's spray of citrus goodness had nigh miraculous effect as Senna sprang to her feet... and wrecked the place. Telm took a moment to process this all, not without pain, as Kug, Gleek and Senna struggled with language barriers. And then he spoke, and he would be understood, for dread transcends language.

"I do hope you have a way of paying for that." Telm said softly to Senna.

[PyrosNine]

Originally Posted by Arhra

- IX -

Kug's spray of citrus goodness had nigh miraculous effect as Senna sprang to her feet... and wrecked the place. Telm took a moment to process this all, not without pain, as Kug, Gleek and Senna struggled with language barriers. And then he spoke, and he would be understood, for dread transcends language.

"I do hope you have a way of paying for that." Telm said softly to Senna.

Senna turned a bleary, blood red eyed stare at the person asking her a question. She understood not too many words, for dread was less of a language and more of a general feeling, but she did get the word "pay."

She had wrecked the establishment, she could see now- sometimes a ninja in panic could be like a gunpowder bomb. They would probably want some sort of restitution. Senna currently only had the weapons on her back, and seagull meat in her stomach- and while she could part with the weapons, she wasn't sure what the exchange rate was for assassination tools- rusty ones at that.

Normally, she'd probably just punch him in the face and jump out a window, running as fast and as far as her ninja legs could take her, but she was fairly sure her legs would be uncooperative, let alone her fistycuffs, as she was still apparently walking into Kug. It would have also meant she had gone native in her time with the pirates, as a true ninja would have just killed them all in the black of night and vanished with only 1 HP. Or something.

Services. She would have to offer services.

The first one was natural.

"You...need someone dead? I kill?" She asked, tentatively in her pisspoor common, addled slightly by several weeks of isolation and scurvy. "Assassinate?"

Since this was a beach bar, the odds of there being giant rats in a cellar was slim, unless there were some beach tunnels or something. Seagulls were called "flying rats" in some places, so maybe they would just have her kill flying poopdroppers before they ruined the roof? That would be an inversion.

She turned and pointed at the 48 exp. points. "Him?"

Senna thought through her options. She was a tiefling, after all, sired by a succubus. But...that option was quite, quite foreign to her. She had never practiced the art of seduction, after all, using her body to get what she wanted had always up to this point involved using the fists that were part of her body repeatedly until she got wanted from someone.

Just to play it safe, she chose to pull down her muffler just a little more. She'd bite her lip too and make a pouty face, but her teeth were really sharp and her pouty face once made a grown man cry, scream, and run into a door.

[Intern Nin]

Immediately outside the bar.

A turtle did some things.The turtle tourist was sitting on the sand, holding his nose and staring at the bar like it was a math equation that wasn’t adding up.

“Wadn’t… wadn’t dat cabana-style bar a wegular tabern bar a second ago? Because I wemember gettin kicked drough a waww and saying ‘ow’. And now dere are no wawws. And den anodder ninja started bouncin off of wawws dat werdn’t there? Urgh, I mut be more sweep-depribed den I dought.”

The tourist shook his head and blew out some nose-blood and snot onto passerby coconut crab.

“It was all just a hallucination. Some bad clams, is all. Of course none of that could have been real. Liquor from a time that never was, barkeeps that would let you sleep overnight on the counter, rowdy Gaelic homunculi… how silly all of that sounds out l- Hey, that’s my wallet!”

Another little blue man had his mitts in the turtle’s shorts pocket and was pulling out a large bag with a dollar sign on it. The little man froze, gave a sheepish little smile and wave, and then took off like a bullet.

“Oh no, you’re not getting away. Looney Toon legs, don’t fail me now!”

The turtle hopped up and his legs turned into spinning propellers. He dashed off, leaving a trailing sand cloud in his wake. The speeding reptile projectile sharply turned off course from the fairy’s trail and stopped right in front of RAAAUUGGH!.

“Hey,” the turtle said while jogging in place, “don’t think that I didn’t see you talking in green earlier. When this is over, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer, pal." And by lawyer, I mean myself in a ratty suit with a fake mustache and even faker credentials to practice law.

And with that, he took off, not to be heard from or seen again for another three chapters.

Inside the open-air bar that was always an open-air bar.

Kug tried desperately to follow what the ninja lady was saying but it was no use. He didn’t usually talk that much to people from the Empire and his space fantasy Japanese comprehension really only went as far as ordering food, telling enemy Shadoweyes how he was going to kill them, and finding ways to spend metal. The only things he picked up were “decent”, “leftovers”, and “Common”.

“Um,” Kug turned to Gleek and gave him a nervous smile to show that the peace talks were well in hand. “Dono mafur?kuraddoredi benjo no kurikaeshideshi. Shikashi, kono insutansu o KUG-y? kame no y?na shinda otoko o honenuki, shite kudasai?<How could Muffler-clad Lady latrine repetition. But eviscerate the turtle-like dead man for Kug this instance, please?>”said Kug as Senna wobbled backwards.

"You.....have.....potions? Po---shun? Lesser RES--TOR-A-SHUN?"

Kug breathed in relief. “Oh, no thanks to Man-from-mountain, Muffler-Lady speaks English! Kug was worried that Kug and Muffler-lady would have to resort to charades.”

Still, he thought, ‘Poshun Lesser Restoration’? Kug has never heard of that, not even from when Kug lived on Earth. Would it be something in leftovers? Something common? Is it a new product, like Pepsi AM but with medicinal properties? Kug could ask Yapping Dog-alligator-man or Old Man Telm. No, best that Kug not show ignorance in front of new allies. New allies would probably make it a new in-joke and new allies keep making the joke again and again until Kug can’t take it anymore and cuts them down. Kug needs to figure this out on Kug’s own.

It was at that moment that Telm decided to bring up the holes in the bar and the matter of restitution. While Senna tried desperately to sell her services as a hit-woman, Kug scratched his hair in confusion.

Restoration… leftovers… Oh!

Kug reached into his thick mane of hair and pulled out a shiny, yellow metal covered lump. He careful removed the foil, revealing the contents to be half a calzone (with some very odd looking fillings), some weird vegetation, and a bottle of yellow brown liquid.

Back on Bogusoom, citizens of the Empire partook of a drink made from seeping various leaves, berries, and spices. This drink restored vitality, accelerated recuperation, and considerably extended life. It also made a great beverage to pair with a light lunch. Special secret concentrated mixtures could even grant super-human strength and agility, like with the Shadoweyes, and increase magical abilities. It also had the added drawback of making the person who drinks it bat____ ____ing insane, as Kug had witnessed with that one wizard*.

Kug was saving this bottle of regular strength leaf juice for a special meal, but since he was back on Earth, he now had access to a variety of drinks that don't taste like watery urine. Why, maybe he could even try beer now since he’s… how old is he now?

Kug will figure it out later.

Kug grabbed the bottle and held it in front of Senna, who was trying to be seductive. “This is the only restorative drink Kug has. Maybe it’s close enough to Poshun for…”

Kug stared at Senna’s face for a solid three seconds.

“Why is Muffler-lady making such a butt-ugly face?”

*See issue #29 of The Savage Oven of Kug.

[mauve]

While Jimmy couldn't actually speak the alien-woman's strange language, he could understand the basic gist of what she was trying to say. Fantasy Space Japanese apparently remained fairly similar throughout the galaxy, as the translator chip implanted in Jimmy's skull was able to pick out certain words for him. (What? It was one of the few things his crappy medical plan would cover! This job didn't have many benefits!)

He was semi-relieved, however, to hear her sputter out a few words in shaky Galactic Common. His translation implant was a cheap base model-- It deciphered words that Jimmy heard, but couldn't translate his own speech into other languages for those around him.

"What the hell is a 'poshun?'" he asked.

The alien lady ignored him and instead directed her attention to Telm.

"You...need someone dead? I kill? Assassinate?"

Aw hell naw.

"Welp, that's that. I vote we throw her back into the ocean where we found her," Jimmy declared, raising his rifle again. "I didn't come to the beach to get killed by creepy aliens. I would've stayed at my post at the Space Port of Conveniently Placed Waist-High Cover if I wanted to get slaughtered."

He didn't know what this festival thing was about, but if it involved assassinations he wasn't sure he wanted to be a part of it!

[Arhra]

"Now now, son." Telm said to Jimmy. "Got to be tolerant of other culture's way."

"And faces." he added, giving a meaningful look to Kug.

He showed Senna his stern face. "'course I won't be tolerating any assassination assignations around here. Now I know you're a castaway and all, but so are plenty of folks here. If you can't pay for the damage, you're going to have to work here 'till you've paid it off!"

"Johnny here-" he plucked the generic teen out of the small crowd in the background. "will sort out something to eat for you and -" he sniffed. Yes, this was essential. "-a bath. Then you start waiting tables here. Gnome'll sort a change of clothes."

"If you don't want to give Kug's drink a shot, Mobaba sells potions at reasonable rates. I think I saw her outside. Look for a little granny type in a pointy hat. She usually offers credit."

The retired hero dusted his hands. The situation was sorted. "Now I'm running late so I'd best make my exit." He nodded to Kug and Jimmy. "One good turn deserves another, so lunch is on the house from me. Johnny, let Gnome know." he said, saddling his employee with more responsibilities.

Finally he turned to the large man and the ugly man he'd be spending the rest of the morning with. "Just to head off any more hold ups, neither of you need to use the bathroom or change your shirt or build a sandcastle before we leave, right?" he asked B and Alastor.

[Overcast]

Garden variety orc taken care of, scurvy stricken woman in relatively good hands, suspicious lizards being brought into community service, no more gunfire in random directions, all in all Al was feeling good about this situation.

"...neither of you need to use the bathroom or change your shirt or build a sandcastle before we leave, right?"

Al took a moment to think, his stomach told him that Al was a monster who had allowed his life to be consumed by the void and thus all he ate and drank was consumed by the nothingness in his soul. His shirt told him that he would like to be worn one day, and tried to remind Alastor that wearing extra clothing underneath his robe was proper etiquette. Al as per usual didn't listen. The beach told him it would love to play sandcastles later, but it would have to wait after it got done eating RAAAUGH!'s spaceship. Whatever a spaceship was. Blinking back to reality Al shook his head,

"Nah, ready when you are."

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Gleek took advantage of Telm's intervention to abscond in the direction of the front door. He wasn't planning on becoming cannon fodder today or any day. That was what other people were for.

"I just go back and double check on flowers now. Scurvy lady better get to work too."