Stupid Nuklear Age. What you do for me? Nuffin'. (SPOILERS.)

[Scorn the Terrible]

Y'know, I hate online marketing. I don't trust it. I don't give out my personal information online, I don't give out my bank info anywhere.

Bear with me; I'm goin' somewhere with this.

Anyhow, I decided to chuck all these closely-held examples of cautious wisdom out the window when I ordered Brian's much-lauded Nuklear Age. I now wish I hadn't.

I got to Amazon.com and ordered the book in electronic format, as it was far cheaper than the disgustingly over-priced paper/hardback versions. In a little under two hours I downloaded the book and eagerly began reading. Suffice it to say I was less than impressed.

The writing in the earlier chapters is unpolished to the point of looking like a middle-school creative writing assignment. Add to that the problem with the sloppy editing and you'll understand why I feel that, despite the low .PDF price, I was severely cheated. I'm just glad I saved myself the $40.00 it would have taken to get the super-duper hardcover edition.

That isn't to say the book is complete filth; aside from what I've mentioned, and a few things I'll mention later, it's an enjoyable superhero satire that'll elicit a coupla' chuckles every so often. The "DWARF-A-PAULT" was funny, as was the frequent Fighter-esque irritated mumblings of Nuklear Man.

Of course, a few of the jokes wore out their welcomes pretty damned quickly. The "Science/Iron/Danger: (insert item here)" jokes got annoying quick, for one. Sure, the "Danger: (insert item here)" were okay at first, but when everyone had their own "(Adjective): (insert item here)" gag going on, I wanted to open-palm smack Brian across the face. This, my friends, will not be the last time the feeling arises within me.

Anyone else notice how heavy-handed Brian was about Atomik Lad? The only way he could be any more obvious about it is if he went to the home of everyone who bought the book and started punching the readers in the face while screaming, "HELLO! I AM BRIAN CLEVINGER! I BASED ATOMIK LAD ON MYSELF! HE HAS LONG HAIR AND LIKES VIDEO GAMES! HE EXPERIENCES MOOD SWINGS! HE HAS DEPTH! RACHEL IS ALSO A REFERENCE TO LYDIA! PLEASE ENJOY MY FACE-PUNCHIES! I LIKE SWORDS! DANGER: FACE PUNCHIES!!"

Speaking of punches to the face, I'd rather have Mike Tyson (or Mr. Dream if you bought the later edition cartridge) wallop me good in the kisser than read the whole Nihel arc again. The book turned from a mediocre superhero satire (the best kind) into a terrible stereotypical blah-blah-blah dramatic action bowel movement. Nuklear Man is a God? He was meant to destroy all creation? I know he said he was influenced by anime and comic books but damn, you'd think the guy wouldn't stoop so low as to ruin a potentially non-crappy book with such a poor excuse of a "punchline"?

Brian, you're a funny guy. 8-Bit Theater is the best sprite-based comic ever written. The characters are vibrant and full of humor, the storyline is true to its Final Fantasy roots. While Nuklear Age has a little in common with the comic, character-wise at least, it is obviously the inferior of the two works. 8-Bit Theater keeps its tone true throughout most of its line with few diversions. However, Nuklear Age ruins its established tone nearing middle end of the Superion saga, and completely trashes it when Nihel and his cronies stumble onto the scene. Brian calls this the punchline to a joke. I, in turn, call Brian a joke. A joke of an author that is! Ha! Speaking of humor, in his book, Brian says, "See, a joke is funny because of your expectations." That's bullshit, people. If all it took was ruined expectations to make something funny, then life would be one laugh after another and Brian would be out of a job.

Which brings me to yet another point of complaint: the commentary. First Mr. Clevinger gives us some bullshit about how the book should be read like a collection of short stories. Hey, Brian? That's cool with me, man. But you're gonna have to do us a favor and use the traditional short-story format. Or hell, hire an artist and make it into a comic book! In fact, Scott Ransoomair could do it! See? I'm a JENIOUS.

Listen, I know this review has sounded overly critical... but I feel I've earned the right to bitch. I paid good money for the book, and I've been a fan of 8-Bit Theater since time immemorial, so I think I'm more than entitled to my opinon. What's more, according to Amazon.com, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Stick to comics Brian, and stop screwing with your readers... your paying customers. You shouldn't need to write a Goddamned apology.

[Kurosen]

Y'know, I hate online marketing. I don't trust it. I don't give out my personal information online, I don't give out my bank info anywhere.

This has nothing to do with anything, but after running an online business for a number of years, I've learned to loathe people with this attitude. The short version: while it is theoretically possible for your information to be stolen, there's about half a dozen ways to trace the transaction and your bank or credit card company will have solved the problem long before you're aware of it. And even if, somehow, they don't handle it first, a simple phone call or some paperwork will clear up the problem very quickly.

That said, obviously, one should be weary of sites that don't look trustworthy. To not trust a proven online store like Amazon.com makes you sound like a crazy old man who doesn't trust those new-fangled horseless carriages.

The writing in the earlier chapters is unpolished to the point of looking like a middle-school creative writing assignment. Add to that the problem with the sloppy editing and you'll understand why I feel that, despite the low .PDF price, I was severely cheated.

The book is meant to operate as a living history of comics. They started out clumsy and cheesey, became increasingly complex and populated by more developed characters, and then works like Watchmen and Dark Knight Returns turned these fantasy worlds around. I'll gladly refund you out of my own pocket just to shut you up about what a gross injustice it was to lose $6.

"HELLO! I AM BRIAN CLEVINGER! I BASED ATOMIK LAD ON MYSELF!

Actually, no.

HE HAS LONG HAIR AND LIKES VIDEO GAMES!

He has long hair because he is the foil to Nuklear Man. Nuke represents the classic Golden Age hero in all respects. Sparky is the Silver Age and more modern hero. He has longer hair, he has a Spider-Man-like outfit, his powers are random and strange instead of classical and archetypal. Sparky's hair is brown because Nuke's is blond. Sparky is thin/wiry because Nuke is large and in charge. Sparky likes video games because he's a teenager who spent his life about 20 miles away from any neighborhoods where kids might have lived and he was probably educated at home so he has little to no social life.

HE EXPERIENCES MOOD SWINGS!

Does he? Seems to me he just reacts naturally to what happens around him.

RACHEL IS ALSO A REFERENCE TO LYDIA!

That's amazing since I wrote this book four years before I met Lydia.

Brian says, "See, a joke is funny because of your expectations." That's bullshit, people. If all it took was ruined expectations to make something funny, then life would be one laugh after another and Brian would be out of a job.

A big part of what makes a joke is funny is that you don't see the punchline coming. Another way to say that is there was a "disruption of expectations." I think you fail to understand the point. The "joke" of the book isn't supposed to be "funny". The "joke" is that it shows how the mechanics of comedy can be tragedy.

I know this review has sounded overly critical...

No, your review doesn't sound overly critical. It does sounds like a lot of ad hominem though. Way to make a point.

Stick to comics Brian, and stop screwing with your readers... your paying customers.

Okay. Because a few people don't like the book, I'll stop writing forever and ignore the flood of daily e-mails from people who tell me Nuklear Age is one of their new favorite books.

You shouldn't need to write a Goddamned apology.

Actually, the apology was written to help off-set the reaction that the ending "came out of nowhere." There was a reason for it from the very beginning and the set up for it was planted as early as the first Issue.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy my book, but out of the thousands of people who have bought it I've gotten about four complaints. I can live with that ratio. If it makes you feel any better, the sequel is written in a very different style with a very different sense of humor moving things along.

[Scorn the Terrible]

Wow. Brian Clevinger replied to my post. Out-fuckin'-standing! The author, for once, took time out of his busy schedule to reply to a venemous, spiteful, hate-filled review of his first major literary work! That, I must say, humbles me a lot. I assumed he'd just ban me on the spot and delete my thread. To actually get a response out of the guy I was actually speaking to (and insulting, most likely) is a delightful little surprise.

Anyhow, I specifically remember you once stating that you did base Atomik Lad on yourself; you said the statement before the site overhaul, back when you were doing the 8-Bit Wallpapers for donations. Perhaps I was wrong above; but dammit, you have to admit there are some pretty major similarities. If I'm wrong, then I apologize. But if I'm right... well, I don't know. It's not like I'm gonna win anything if I am, so what's the point?

Anyhow, while I now understand your intentions to record the evolution of comic books with your novel, I still don't understand why you pulled off the post-Superion stuff. Were you trying to chronicle the downfall of comics, how they'll change everything about a certain series to get more sales? If that was your aim, then congratulations; it's almost as if you were writing a completely different book.

Looking back on my post, I regret the way I said a lot of those things. I know an apology would seem laughable after what I've said, but for all it matters, I do apologize for the bulk of my post. I was unsatisfied with the book and it is my right to say so... but I don't have to be an asshole about it. Furthermore, if I knew how the book should have been written, then I would have written it, not you. However, it's your book. You wrote it. You spent all this time on it. You waded through the bullshit with it. I could at least try to be polite, dammit.

I'm sorry, Brian. Next time I bitch someone out about his book/comic/Spaghetti-O's, I'm going to wait until I cool off before I write a review. Maybe after reading the book a few more times, I'll see it from your point of view and I won't dislike the ending so much.

Also I really don't trust horse-less carriages. They make noises that could only come from the second layer of Hell, where fornicators and mimes go when they die. I'm not too keen on electricity either; I think it's the fault of thunder demons. That's why I type on my computer by candlelight.

[Kurosen]

I had no idea what Atomik Lad looked like. I knew only that I needed him to look nothing like Nuklear Man to keep up the whole classic/modern duality between them. Black hair sounded too corny, so I went with brown. Nuke's hair is pretty straight, so I made Sparky's curly. Nuke is built like Superman, so Sparky had to be thinner (also he's younger, so he's physically less developed). Nuke had blue eyes, so Sparky needed brown -- but I used that for the hair and wanted some variety -- so I went with green.

And, yes, I do happen to look like that. But in all seriousness, the above is nearly an exact transcript of my thought processes when I was deciding The Facts Of Atomik Lad. Maybe subconsciously I was biased, but it was never my intention to make Brian = Atomik Lad. I hate to say it, but I'm MUCH more like (pre-Nihel) Nuklear Man. People don't believe me when I say this, but they don't believe me when I say that almost all of Fighter's dialogue comes straight out of things I've thought or said within the last twenty-four hours. The same goes for Nuklear Man. He was the easiest character to write for because his every line of bungling, insane dialogue was always initial reaction I'd have had to any situation I put him in.

People will probably always assume I based Atomik Lad on myself, but I can assure you I have no illusions about my Nuklear nature. Hell, maybe I made Sparky look the way he does to pre-emptively deflect accusations that I'm a horrible monster (i.e. Nuke).

And, yeah, you had some valid points in there. All I had to do was ignore all the frothing and unnecessary attacks. Nuklear Age was my first book and I was trying to do a lot of things with it and I'll be the first to admit I didn't succeed completely. The history of comics angle, in particular, seems to be have been lost on about 99% of the audience. It's probably my fault because it's easier to dismiss the beginning as incompetently written instead of competently written clumsily for a purpose. Maybe that was too big a "trick" for me to pull off, or maybe it's just really stupid to jerk your audience around like that from page one. But, hey, live and learn. And I think I have. As I said earlier, the sequel is shaping up to be a very different book. It's told from Sparky's perspective, so that colors everything. The humor from Nuklear Age feels like it comes out of a shotgun. By comparison, the humor in Atomik Age feels like a very precise laser powered by sarcasm and exhaustion.

I was unsatisfied with the book and it is my right to say so... but I don't have to be an asshole about it.

Well, if you have truly learned that and apply it to your life from now on, then reading my crappy book wasn't a complete waste of your time

[Scorn the Terrible]

Hmm... funny laser instead of humor shotgun? That sounds intriguing, although anybody knows that shotguns are the greatest weapons ever built, especially if your name is Ash. However, I'm going to assume that you mean that your humor will be more refined the next time... which is kinda' sad, since stupid humor is usually the BEST kind of humor. In fact, Nuklear Man (and Fighter, since they share a LOT of influences) had some of the best lines in the book. Hell, the title of this thread was taken from one of my favorite phrases in the book.

And looking back on it, I think it was a subconscious thing, since Nuklear Man always said "Stupid (insert irritating thing here), what you do for me? Nuffin'" while he was talking about something completely unrelated to the whole matter.

In any case, there were a LOT of things about Nuklear Age I enjoyed, and I hope that despite your change of ha-ha arsenal, many of the jokes remain true to the style we all know and love.

[DwyerSP]

Just so you know, this book was the greatest one that I've personally ever read. It was everything I've looked for in a book, without actually knowing what I was looking for in the first place. So, take the good with the bad – some people might not have "got" your book, like I, or a lot of other people did, I'm sure. You did a great thing writing Nuklear Age, and I just wanted to thank you for that. With every person that might openly trash your book, there's probably at least two people out there whose lives were changed by reading it.