Ask Black Mage

[Dystopian Rhetoric]

Expecting that response I compiled a statistic. To ask that question I need to be 87% less moronic that Anarchy_Balsac and his crazy BM thread.

[Dragonsbane]

how did you manage to calculate that, Dytops?

[froofmyster]

Oh my Goody God Gawsh-ness of Evil! BM! BM! I've waited so long to ask these questions! Pathetic, am I not?

1) I have recently engineered a breed of flesh-eating leeches and I was wondering if you could recommend somebody brave (and/or stupid) enough to let me test test them on him/her? Maybe somebody with red hair and matching armor (hint hint)?

2) What is your opinion on Kingdom Hearts and having so little control over Donald and Goofy?

3)Who would win in the following fight to the death: Fighter, RM, Thief, BB, Bikke, and Garland?

4) Do you know Vivi? If so, are you friends? Enemies? Srenetrap evol?

5) Do you have the hots for Lulu?

6) I've spent the last 2 months trying to prove that RM is Sephiroth in diguise. I mean, he's got a sword, long silver hair, a superiority complex, thinks he's got a bunch of powers that he doesn't really have, his goal in life is to reach perfection, and he's a total maniac. What do you think?

P.S. If you decide not to answer any of my questions. Well, let's just say that people will know what you look like without you hat. I HAVE PHOTOS!

[Loyal]

Originally Posted by Dragonsbane

how did you manage to calculate that, Dytops?

Becuase according to some other guy's sig, 44% of all percentages are made up on the spot.

Anyway...

To BM:

Let's say some people are bothering you (by "you" I mean "me"), but you lack self-confidence to tell them to step off. Let's also say that you have no form of Black Magic (or any other magic for that matter) and that I am also a pacifist. Nope, I'm not a White Mage, I just have a dark side which I fear. Violence would only let it loose and therefore destroy my rep as the quiet nerd, not to mention quite a few lives and the loss of sanity of others... What should I do to take care of this?

[froofmyster]

Dude, why haven't you replied yet? We want are answers.

...And why hasn't this thread been sticky-ed yet? I should be? PLEEEEEASE? PERTY PLEASE?

[videogamerz2000]

Dear Mage of Evil Incantations,

My gaming time has rapidly gone down. All I do, other than posting here, is watch TV and eat. I used to play 60+ hours a week. Now I'm lucky if I get 10. Is there something wrong with me?

[reality_deviant]

Dear Black Mage,

1)While you claim to focus your will to harness the powers of elemental chaos, indeed, even serving Lord Chaos himself, you cast the exact same spells in the exact same way every time. Is this what you call "chaos"? It appears far too static, too ordered, to be called such a thing.

2)Would you consider yourself more of a sorceror, or a wizard? Which do you feel is more powerful?

3)How do black mages tell each other apart? Telepathy? Unique pheromone signatures? They don't really care?

4)Do you prefer pancakes or waffles?(drenched in sin syrup, of course) You know, for when I'm cooking you breakfast tomorrow morning...*grin*

[BlackMage]

Originally Posted by Klyco

And also, how would I go about exacting revenge? Theres this annoying Sophmore in my class that never shuts up and thinks he's perfect. How do I go about lets say desacrating his Chevelle? I was thinking key scratches. What would you do?

For your first questions(not quoted) see Answer 19

A30: A car is a rarity in this world. Most of us have to get around by walking and chocobo if we're lucky. Attacking his car is indeed the evil thing to do, but you've got it all wrong. You don't need to desacrate it, you need to destroy it. If you have Fire-1 cast that on the engine, casting Fire-2 on the whole car works as well but that's a waste of perfectly evil magic that can be used to fry a wedding or something. If you can't cast Fire-1 use gasoline and a match, it may take a couple tries but I'm tellin ya he'll be sorry when the car goes boom. Just don't forget to duck, DON'T ASK, just trust me on that one

Originally Posted by Dragonsbane

why don't you just use magic to control White Mage's mind and MAKE her admit that she longs for you!!??? Or if she doesn't, couldn't you just make her love you with the same spell?

Of late a certain problem has cropped up. I, an aspiring young Black Mage, was approached by a group of freaky-looking elves (dark skin, white hair, even MORE arrogant then normal elves....definite freaks). The highest-ranking female began babbling about the "glory of Lolth" or some other bullshit, probably in an effort to coerce me into helping her cause......you know how elves are......Anyway, I stabbed her repeatedly, then used my magic to torch the others. I later found out these creatures were called "Drow", and they will probably want revenge, since the one I stabbed to death was a High Priestess. Anyway, what should I do about it?

A31: Because there is no spell that I have which can do that, believe me I woulda cast it by now if I had it. Sure the charm spell works, that is it serves it's purpose, but it's purpose isn't what you think. It just drives people crazy and confuses them, it's a badly named spell. There actually is a spell that can do that besides the level 11 one, but it's a level 10 white magic spell, and the ones who have it rarely use it. They need a good reason they say, and apparently "because she's hot", "because I'm horny", and "I'm gonna fry your ass if you don't" aren't good reasons.

A32: You're probably not a black mage yourself if you're asking this, so you're pretty stuck kid. There is one solution though, you see the one good thing about goth kids is that they tend to hate elves with a serious passion and they're not afraid of elves like most humans are. So gather a bunch of goth kids together and have them slay the elves like no tomorrow. The goth kids should win, but if your lucky both armies will kill each other off and the world will be out 2 problems instead of one. Heh, have fun kiddo

Originally Posted by PsyBlade

Dear Black Mage,
I was wondering how I could get my problem of doing the right thing even if I'm playing a videogame to go away?
Name as many ideas as you can think of.

A33: Yeah that is a problem. There's not much evil you can do if you can't even kill a fake person. But there are ways of working around that. Handing out potions to the local dark knights and black mages is a good start. Not donating anything to any non-evil cause ever is another thing you can do, but you probably won't be able to do any of the evil deeds themselves per say. However you can always do the right thing for the wrong person, nothing not evil about that

Originally Posted by froofmyster

Oh my not-Goody BM Bee-M-ness of Evil! BM! BM! I've waited so long to ask these questions! Pathetic, am I not?

1) I have recently engineered a breed of flesh-eating leeches and I was wondering if you could recommend somebody brave (and/or stupid) enough to let me test test them on him/her? Maybe somebody with red hair and matching armor (hint hint)?

2) What is your opinion on Kingdom Hearts and having so little control over Donald and Goofy?

3)Who would win in the following fight to the death: Fighter, RM, Thief, BB, Bikke, and Garland?

4) Do you know Vivi? If so, are you friends? Enemies? Srenetrap evol?

5) Do you have the hots for Lulu?

6) I've spent the last 2 months trying to prove that RM is Sephiroth in diguise. I mean, he's got a sword, long silver hair, a superiority complex, thinks he's got a bunch of powers that he doesn't really have, his goal in life is to reach perfection, and he's a total maniac. What do you think?

A34: Yeah but don't feel so down about it, almost everyone is pathetic it's not like you're alone

A35: Fighter already had a run in with something real similar. Oh don't get me wrong it was quite funny indeed but the problem is not only did he survive but oh evilness the dark arts did I not ever hear the end of his screaming, wailing, and crying about the chronic pain he was suffering from it. RedMage would probably keep writing "+20 immunity to flesh eaters" until his idiocy bends reality(AGAIN!!!!), and Theif would probably survive somehow, find a way to cash in on it(I dunno how) and in the end be all happy about it, but BlackBelt, well it's worth a try even though he'd probably fling them all off.

A36: I don't have time for such a thing as games so I don't care. RedMage on the other hand won't shut up about them, so ask him

A37: Let's hope none of them would survive should that ever happen. I seriously can't stand any of them, and Garland is only standing in my way

A38: That was that annoying kid we put up with in black mage school who wouldn't shut up about how black magic could be put to good use. We beat the shit out him all the time and made fun of him.

A39: Ah yes, she wasn't too good with black magic though, but baby those knockers had me going!!!!!!!!! She even made a doll of me I think, but alas we never saw each other again after that day I was kicked out of school.

A40: RedMage is a lot of things, but he isn't a wannabe black mage who thinks he's evil because he fried 1 town and cast a spell that people had a full week to deflect and succeeded in doing so. A momma's boy he may be though.

Originally Posted by Loyal2NES

Let's say some people are bothering you (by "you" I mean "me"), but you lack self-confidence to tell them to step off. Let's also say that you have no form of Black Magic (or any other magic for that matter) and that I am also a pacifist. Nope, I'm not a White Mage, I just have a dark side which I fear. Violence would only let it loose and therefore destroy my rep as the quiet nerd, not to mention quite a few lives and the loss of sanity of others... What should I do to take care of this?

A41: Why do you want to be considered a quiet nerd? There's no benefit to it. And why are you scared to kill a few people and drive others insane? That right there is your problem. Snap out of it and let loose, you're only holding back your evil side. It clearly wants to come out, take the final step and realise your problem, and soon you'll be doing evil like no tommorrow

Originally Posted by videogamerz2000

Dear Mage of Evil Incantations,

My gaming time has rapidly gone down. All I do, other than posting here, is watch TV and eat. I used to play 60+ hours a week. Now I'm lucky if I get 10. Is there something wrong with me?

A42: Well yes, you're asking me weird questions about how you're wasting you're time doing other stuff than you used to. Why would I care how you waste your stupid time if it doesn't involve doing anything evil? Unless it's evil pie you're eating

Originally Posted by reality_deviant

Dear Black Mage,

1)While you claim to focus your will to harness the powers of elemental chaos, indeed, even serving Lord Chaos himself, you cast the exact same spells in the exact same way every time. Is this what you call "chaos"? It appears far too static, too ordered, to be called such a thing.

2)Would you consider yourself more of a sorceror, or a wizard? Which do you feel is more powerful?

3)How do black mages tell each other apart? Telepathy? Unique pheromone signatures? They don't really care?

4)Do you prefer pancakes or waffles?(drenched in sin syrup, of course) You know, for when I'm cooking you breakfast tomorrow morning...*grin*

A43: There are different ways of casting spells that I use. But the mass destruction ones such as hadoken and ultima only need to be cast in one way. Some examples include casting Ice-2 on a swimming pool full of people, or Lit-1 on the same, casting Water-1 then quickly Ice-1 with just the right timing to create a flying blade of ice, etc.

A44: A wizard, sorcerers are just delusional wizards

A45: Different looks, different sounds of our voices, same as we tell everyone else apart really

A46: Oooo are they evil? I'll take both then, gimme

[Flarecobra]

BM,

How do you stay cool in your robes? I imagine that during the summer it can get like a sauna in there. And also, if these two were in an election to be in charge of one of the most powerful political powers in th eworld, who would you go for, King Steve, or Bilke the Pirate?

(Not Part Of the Question) Anyone notice that I'm pretty much the only one in the forums that as a BM-bashing avatar? And I'll give something to those who figure out what I'm talking about for the second question.

[Dante]

Dear Black Mage,

I am a big fan of your work, and I have a few questions...

1) What exactly is Hadoken?
2) Would you take disciples?
3) What is the wing speed velocity of an unladen swallow?