Killing/Avoiding Horror Movie Villains 101

[Aerozord]

I think this method has alot of merits

[Wigmund]

Cloverfield: Do not stand around like a fucking idiot when the head of the Statue of Liberty comes rolling down the street or things are randomly exploding. That is a sign to get the fuck out of town.

Aliens: When one finds a crashed ship filled with odd eggs, just seal it back up, delete all relevant logs, and go somewhere else. If this has been ignored, don't be the one to examine the eggs and leave as soon as possible when someone shows up with something raping their face.

Predator: Don't carry any weapons and be as non-threatening as possible (may only apply to Predator and Predator 2)

Deep Blue Sea: Doesn't matter if you have Samuel L Jackson on your crew, don't fucking bio-engineer sharks. Ever.

Any SyFy Original: If you're caught up in one of these, you deserve to die. Horribly.

Cube: Stay with the retard.

[Archbio]

Any Romero Film: Just keep walking.

[CABAL49]

Don't panic

[Marc v4.0]

Aim for the Flat-top

[PyrosNine]

Stephen King Novels: Anything Stephen King tells you to do, don't do it.

Werewolves: Keep shooting! Just because it can't be killed by silver bullets doesn't mean a shotgun blast isn't going to send it flying back five feet and giving it a good reason to stay away. Also, wolves, and men, are afraid of FIRE. This can be exploited!

Cars: If the car breaks down, don't go into questionable houses. If you escape from questionable house/building/hospital, and car doesn't start. Do not repeatedly turn the engine as if it's going to magically fix itself on the next turn of the key. If car won't start, DO NOT RETURN INTO THE BUILDING WITH THE GUY WHO WANTS TO KILL You. There are OTHER BUILDINGS. There is a road. You can walk. You can run! Down the road, to the next town! There is absolutely no obligation for why you must stay in the lethal zone just because your lazy ass can't hoof the 30 miles to the next town! If it's a really bad storm, the serial killer is slowed down as well!

Pets: It's never worth it unless the pet can sense EVIL.

Ghost Children: Good Ghost children= Direct, "save us!" don't throw shit at you, you just make yourself look like an idiot freaking out when they don't do anything to you other than show up. Evil Ghost children: Laugh and peek at you from the corner of your eye, play tricks on you, and beckon you to follow them into dark seedy corners of the house.

Demon Possession: Chloroform, tranquilizers. If you kill it's body, it'll just hop to another body. If you tranq it, it can't hop to another body. Then you can keep the body sedated, and drop it someplace holy, or put in a cage that you slowly lower to the bottom of a sealed, uninhabited mineshaft that you previously pumped full of pesticide to make damn sure nothing was living there.

Vampire: Not something particularly helpful aside from FIRE, but whenever they're chasing you and they just seem to pop up wherever you turn, run into the next room and spin around with your eyes wide open. You'll see something REALLY interesting. The losers!

Hollywood Monster: Find the director or purveyor of this slop and give him a right good ol' slugging. Seriously. Diablous ex machina is what most horror movies run by these days. Instead of "Man, wouldn't that be scary?" it's "Man, would that' just suck? Suck balls for our characters?"

Jigsaw: Get something fairly hard and swingable. Find concrete wall. Swing at concrete. Keep swinging. If possible, make use of piston based trap he's sure to have lying around. Trust me, if he and his are as omniscient and everyone else around you is as two dimensional as all the movies, it's the safest bet, and the fastest way out of there. Probably only about two feet of concrete, then easy to dig through dirt leading to freedom, and he can't say that you didn't love life enough.

Cursed Magical Object inside thing you're told never to open: Place container in another box. then put that box inside a bigger box. Then put that box inside another box. Then put this box inside a suitcase with a lock. Then put this in a bigger suitcase with a key lock. Throw away key. Then put this suitcase in a crate. Fill the crate with cement. Place crate in deep hole. Dig twelve other holes, with the exact same contents and a decoy container around the same time.

Normal Serial killer with a Knife: Don't be a pussy, beat the crap out of him. It's not like he has super strength to go along with that mania of his.

Genius Serial Killer: Beat the crap out of him and cut out his tongue.

Genius Mysterious Serial Killer: Beat the crap out of EVERYBODY. He'll be the one who has both incriminating evidence on him, but also not scream at you while you beat the crap out of him/her.

Genius Mysterious Serial Killer who has framed you as the murderer: Beat the crap out of EVERYBODY. They'll know you're not the serial killer because you leave your victims both alive and aware that you are pissed off at the very accusation.

Boy with Godlike Powers: Have breasts and put up with him until puberty. Then he won't care what thoughts you have. Then he will really deserve what you're thinking.

Borg Knockoff: I don't know if you heard me earlier, but BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYBODY until you get to the source. I don't care if he's your boyfriend or pet or child or some dumbshit, I'm pretty sure he can take a concussion or two and he'd probably thank you for stopping him/freeing him.

Multipurpose Advice: If the car works, then it is worthwhile for you to demonstrate what happens when a monster is hit by a car: The same as everything else! Fire kills everything. In worst case scenario, I doubt the fire monster can bring himself to hate someone who creates as much as they do, and will give you facebook friend request. <3. Guns either work or don't work. If they don't work on the monster, find out who it does work on, don't just waste a clip that just reflects off the plotanium shield.

Evil Government Conspiracy: Join La Resistance and just perform janitorial work. Or have magical powers over paper. If that fails, (or doesn't), beating the crap out of everyone also works.

Ancient Cult: The same as the previous, though it helps every time they say something that makes no sense and has no basis in actual history or logic, feel free to cough out a "bullshit!" every time it comes out of their mouth, and call their leader unkind titles.

Alien Cult Gov conspiracy: All of the above, but add Drills.

Evil God: If you ever meet a deity on the path of life, cut them down. Drills work too. Giant robots work if they combine.

Supernatural Villains: Don't be in that show.

Insane Ex Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Everything Jennifer Lopez did in that one movie.

Bad Cop: When you pull a gun on him, and he doesnt' pull his because he's so damn sure that he's untouchable, prove him wrong! Seriously! He's there! There are people who would vouch for you! His own partners probably would if it meant they were the new top dog!

Evil King: While normally I would say "beat the crap out of everyone REGALLY" I am always interested in the fact that no one ever tries to point out to the King's guards and soldiers that he's so ruthless he's willing to kill them the moment they are on his bad side, yet the people doing the harming are brothers in arms so to speak, so as logic would dictate, and history has shown, treating your mooks badly or sending them to commit atrocity (or sending others to commit atrocity) and expecting them to protect you from people who are trying to stop such atrocity isn't a sure thing. It's better to be feared than loved as a King maybe, but it's never okay to be HATED.

Big Brother: Stop being a wimpy desk clerk! Also, Flame Throwers and Gunkata.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Just start making slapstick routines and goofy one-liners in an attempt to change the genre.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

Paranormal Activity: TURN. OFF. THE. CAMERA.

Death Note(?): Do what Prince did and get a ridiculous name change.

[BloodyMage]

Originally Posted by The Gunslinger

Paranormal Activity: TURN. OFF. THE. CAMERA.

It was happening before they got the camera. I think she was screwed. He probably could have survived by getting in a car and driving away and never looking back.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

Sure they would still be haunted, but it might not have escalated if that douche had listened to his girlfriend.

Smarty, you ever read John Dies at the End?