HMRWS - Starring French Zombies!

[Seil]

I like zombie movies. I haven't caught that Walking Dead thing on TV because my TV situation isn't ideal and I've got other things going on, but you better believe I've watched some zombie movies in my day. I'm on record as saying that I like the original better than the remake in most cases, because it's usually true that the original, however dated, still captures the original ideas its creator was trying to evoke.

However, I'll just say that for Dawn Of The Dead, the 2004 remake, was better than the original. Don't get me wrong, I loved the original, it's just that the remake was better because the themes that Romero was trying to communicate (commercialism) worked better for me with an updated look and feel. HOWEVER! Dawn of the Dead is not what we're here to talk about. No, we're here to talk about La Horde.



I didn't like it.

That's not to say that it's bad, per se. It's certainly better than, say, Zombie Strippers. (Which is a real thing, and I'm sorry for mentioning it.) The movie has a decent plot, the zombies are convincing, the characters are solid... so what's the problem?

The movie starts us off with a murdered cop tied up in a ruined building, then progresses to his funeral. A group of four - the family - runs off to kill the man responsible for the murder. And then... zombies. There's no explination, no introduction, either for the zombies or the characters, just... zombies. In Zombieland, we get humerous intro, in Dawn Of The Dead, we get a slightly more Cash intro. They don't explain much in La Horde.

To break it down further, you've got the four cops breaking in to a condemned appartment that serves as the hideout for a Nigerian gangster who killed their mate. He is presumably in drugs. (They do noticeable amounts of cocaine in the flick.) The vigilante mission goes awry, one goes down and the other is injured, leaving two cops and a few gangsters. However, a zombie kills/infects most of the gangsters, leaving roughly even teams. Both groups team up and make it to the roof and see... Paris? in flames - explosives going off, columns of smoke rising, screams in the streets and zombies swarming the hideout.

Now, here's the thing - I said above that I liked Dawn Of The Dead and Zombieland, why shouldn't I like this? Because it doesn't explain anything or characterize anyone. La Horde is ninety minutes long, and isn't ambitious enough. It's got some great scenes, but one-note characters and no scares. The french actors are all... okay, some are terrific, but there's not really anything for them to work with.

The thing is - and I've been rambling for, like, ten paragraphs, so I better damn well get to the thing - that zombies have no personality other than "braaaaaiiiiiiins." You can carry a movie with Freddy, 'cause he's got personality. So does Michael Myers, so does... well, maybe not Jason. The thing is that in a zombie movie, it's the non-zombies that carry it. These guys have the chops, but there's nothing really to work with.

Go for Dawn Of The Dead. Far better movie, only because it characterizes its players. If you're absolutely desperate to watch a subtitled horror movie, you could check out The Martyrs or The Host.