Jokes/Riddles thread! - Page 2

Gilgamesh in a Hat · 11-30-2004, 04:30 PM

Your mamma's so fat...

She had to be babtized at sea-world.

When God said "let there be light" he told her to move out of the way.

Her blood type is Rocky Road.

her alma mater is KFC

Thanatos · 11-30-2004, 04:48 PM

I had to break up with my girlfriend last night. She called me a pedafile. Thing is, that's an awfully big word for a four year old.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and the other is used to carry groceries.

How can you tell when it's bed time at the neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand.

How are old people and babies alike? They are both fun to throw form moving vehicles.

Two men are walking down the street. The first walks into a bar the second one ducks.

How do you get two oboes to play in tune? Shoot one of them.

What's worse than a clarinet? Two clarinets.

What do you call people that hang around musicians? Drummers

A soprano and an alto fall from the top of the Empire State Building, who hits first? Who cares!

How can you tell a drummer is at your front door? The knocking slows down.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.

``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.

``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she.

``Did he have class?'' said the friend.

The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''

``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.

``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!''

Illuminatus · 11-30-2004, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thanatos

How do you get two oboes to play in tune? Shoot one of them.

What's worse than a clarinet? Two clarinets.

What do you call people that hang around musicians? Drummers

A soprano and an alto fall from the top of the Empire State Building, who hits first? Who cares!

How can you tell a drummer is at your front door? The knocking slows down.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.

``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.

``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she.

``Did he have class?'' said the friend.

The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''

``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.

``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!''

NERD! BAND NERD! NERD!

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but the question is, how'd they get in there?

Lost in Time · 11-30-2004, 06:27 PM

A Priest, a rapist, and a pedafile walk into the bar... and that's just the first guy!

A blond crashed into a side of a building, when she came out she was putting on her makeup, waiting for the near by policeman to come up.
When that cop came up to her, he asked, "What the hell happened here?!"
She replied, "Well, I was driving along, putting my make up on and then I look up and see a tree in my way, so I swerve to the left, but theres another tree there, so I swerve back to the right, but there's ANOTHER tree so I swerve the left again and then I chrashed into this wall."
The cop thought for awhile and then said. "Ma'am, there isn't a tree for 30 miles of here, you where staring at your Pine Tree Car Freshener hanging from your Rear View Mirror."

And finally....
How do you piss off an archectict?
You give him a used tampon and tell him what period it came from.

Gilgamesh in a Hat · 11-30-2004, 09:35 PM

A famous soccar goalie is know for being able to catch anything that comes at him. Well for one week straight he is unable to catch anything. So to relax he goes on a vacation, but as soon as he gets off the plane, he sees a building that is on fire! So he goes to watch and at the fifth floor a fireman is holding a baby asking for someone to catch it. Well, the peole at the scene recognize him and convince him to try. The fire man lets go of the baby!......AND HE CATCHES IT! the crowd cheers but the first thing he does, he drops it, and kicks it across the street.

RIDDLE TIME!

A man is hicking through the woods and he comes to a cabin. He goes inside and finds every one dead. What happened?

Answer![The plane crashed]Answer!

I know of a word of letters three,
add two, and fewer there will be!
what is the word?

Answer![the word is "few"Answer!

rightwhatwasidoing? · 11-30-2004, 10:15 PM

Quote:

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

The wierd thing is, I play the trombone, and my best friend plays the french horn. So, ya know, it was extra funny to me....(and so true as well!)

Anywho...

Your momma's so fat, taht when she sat down in class, she sat next to EVERYBODAY!!!

your momma's so fat she's OBESE!!

your momma's so ugly, that when people walk up to you on the street, they say "Damn!! Your momma's ugly!"

Now an actual joke:
(You've probably all heard this one before)

there is the Dahli Llama, Bill Clinton, and michael jackson on a plane with a thousand babies. It suffers severe damage, is on fire, and is about to crash into some mountains. There are only three parachutes.

Bill says: "We have to get out of here!!"

Dahli replies: "But, but what about the children?!"

Bill says: "Screw the children!!'

jackson says: "Yes, but do we have time?"

Thanatos · 11-30-2004, 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Illuminatus

NERD! BAND NERD! NERD!

I'm not a band nerd. I'm a choir geek!!!!

What do you see when you look up a sopranos dress? A tenor
What's the difference between a soprano and a porche? Not every musician has been inside a Porche

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

TheSpiritOfVengance · 12-01-2004, 01:46 AM

No offense to any one here

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the Hatch.

The_Phat_G · 12-01-2004, 02:05 AM

In order for this to be funny, you'll need to sing it out loud while you read it. Be forewarned, this joke will make you feel bad for laughing at it, but I still couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the day after I heard this the first time.

*to the tune of Yankee Doodle*
Hellen Keller went to town a ridin' on a pony
Stuck a feather in her cap and called it
"OOOOWWWNNGGHHHWAAANGHH" <==(unintelligable deaf-mute noise)

Edit: I just noticed those lightbulb jokes on the first page. I've got one for ya.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I dunno how they got in there!

Astral Harmony · 12-01-2004, 06:56 AM

A blonde goes into a sex toy shop and asks for a dildo. The shopkeeper tells her to choose from the varieties on the wall. The blonde asks for the red one. The shopkeeper apologies and says that the red one is a fire extinguisher.

A blonde goes into a shoe store in Louisiana ["No offense in this joke to people from Lousiana. It's about the alligators you have there."] and asks for a pair of alligator shoes. The shopkeeper says they're $200. The blonde is outraged and says she'll go out there and get some for herself for free. The shopkeeper is obviously skeptical and goes to the river to see that the blonde has taken out dozens of alligators and laid them in a nice pile on the side of the river. She pops above the river surface with another unconscious and checks it. "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes, either!" she laments.

A blonde is driving really fast and is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The police officer asks for the driver's license. The driver searches her purse but can't find it. She asks what a driver's license is. The police says that it's something with her picture on it. The driver searches her purse again and finds her makeup compact, which has a mirror. She can see herself in the mirror and assumes it's her license so she hands it to the police officer. The police officer takes one look at it, sighs, hands it back, and says "Look, if you had told me you were a police officer from the start, we could've avoided this whole mess."

This blonde calls her boyfriend up and complains about a puzzle. The boyfriend asks what the picture is supposed to be once the puzzle is assembled. The blonde says it is supposed to be a tiger. The boyfriend agrees to help, and goes to her house. He takes one look at the box the puzzle came in and one look at the pieces scattered on the table. Then he looks at his girlfriend and says "Look. There's no way this puzzle, once it's done, will be a tiger. Now put all those Frosted Flakes back in the box and let's go to Bojangles."

One of my personal favorites:
A young blonde girl is about to go on her first date. Her mother warns her about boys. "First, if he wants to hold your hand, you tell him that your hands are made of fragile glass and will break if he touches them. Secondly, if he wants to give you a kiss, tell him that your lips are really soft and bruise easily. Finally, tell him if he wants to have sex with you that your pussy is really, really hot like an oven and that he'll burn himself if he tries to have sex with you." The girl listened closely and heeded her mother's advice, and went out on the date. When she returned, she was taken aside by her mother and asked about how it went.
Girl: "Well, at first he wanted to hold my hand, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to hold my hand, it would break like fragile glass."
Mother: "Hmph. I figured he would try to hold your hand. What happened next?"
Girl: "Well, some time after that, he wanted to kiss me, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to kiss me, that my lips would bruise because they were really soft."
Mother: "Ah, I knew he would try to kiss you. What happened after that?"
Girl: "Well, some time after that, he wanted to have sex with me, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to have sex with me, that my pussy was really, really hot and would burn him like an oven."
Mother: "Heh heh! I knew he would try something like that! And how did he respond?"
Girl: "Well, he told me that he had this big piece of sausage that he wanted to cook and could really use my hot oven to cook it for him. So while he was cooking his sausage, he brought it out a couple of times so that I could taste test it for him to see if it was cooked well enough."

(bows)

Two blondes are watching a movie.
Blonde 1: "Hey, this guy next to me is jerking off!"
Blonde 2: "Eh. Just ignore him."
Blonde 1: "I can't! He's using my hand."

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What's worse than a dead baby in a barrel? Ten dead babies in ten barrels. And worse than that? Ten dead babies in one barrel. And worse than that? One dead baby in ten barrels.

Another of my personal favorites:
This one guy has finally gathered enough money to buy the motorcycle that he's always wanted. When he goes to buy the motorcycle, the dealer informs him that should it rain, rub Vaseline on the body of the motorcycle to protect it from rust. The dealer hands him a canister of Vaseline and the guy takes his motorcycle out for a ride. Well, his girlfriend calls up and invites him to dinner. He's excited because this is the first time he's ever gone to her house to eat before. He meets her at her house and she informs him that when they have dinner, the first person who talks has to do the dishes. With this warning in mind, the guy goes inside with his girlfriend and finds that there are dirty dishes everywhere! Crowded on the couch, piles into the corners, on the television...I mean, everywhere! Well, they sit down to dinner, the guy, his girlfriend, the girl's mother and father. They're all very, very quiet. The guy suddenly has a good idea and he kisses his girlfriend at the table. They say nothing. He decides to fondle her breasts. Still, they say nothing. Then he goes all out and has sex with his girlfriend right on the table in front of her parents. And still, after that, nobody says anything! In his mind, the guy sizes up his girlfriend's mother. She has a really nice body, he thinks, so he takes his girlfriend's mother and has his way with her totally. He has her in every conceivable way. And still, when he's done his deed of outward sin, they say nothing. The father is fuming. The mother is shocked. The girlfriend feels betrayed. Suddenly, the sound of thunder flashes outside. Worried about his motorcycle, the guy stands up and takes out the canister of Vaseline the dealer gave him. The father quickly backs away and shouts "All right! All right! I'll do the goddamn dishes!"

11-30-2004, 04:30 PM	#11
Gilgamesh in a Hat The One That Says Bad MotherF$#%er Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: right behiND THIS DOOR! A-HAh! Posts: 172	Your Mamma's so fat... Your mamma's so fat... She had to be babtized at sea-world. When God said "let there be light" he told her to move out of the way. Her blood type is Rocky Road. her alma mater is KFC __________________ "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

11-30-2004, 04:48 PM	#12
Thanatos High Priest of the Llama Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Hellvidia Posts: 327	I had to break up with my girlfriend last night. She called me a pedafile. Thing is, that's an awfully big word for a four year old. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and the other is used to carry groceries. How can you tell when it's bed time at the neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand. How are old people and babies alike? They are both fun to throw form moving vehicles. Two men are walking down the street. The first walks into a bar the second one ducks. How do you get two oboes to play in tune? Shoot one of them. What's worse than a clarinet? Two clarinets. What do you call people that hang around musicians? Drummers A soprano and an alto fall from the top of the Empire State Building, who hits first? Who cares! How can you tell a drummer is at your front door? The knocking slows down. How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went. ``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event. ``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she. ``Did he have class?'' said the friend. The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.'' ``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend. ``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!'' __________________ So says the church of the Mod!!

11-30-2004, 06:27 PM	#14
Lost in Time Fungus Among Us Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: On Your Nightstand Posts: 1,967	A Priest, a rapist, and a pedafile walk into the bar... and that's just the first guy! A blond crashed into a side of a building, when she came out she was putting on her makeup, waiting for the near by policeman to come up. When that cop came up to her, he asked, "What the hell happened here?!" She replied, "Well, I was driving along, putting my make up on and then I look up and see a tree in my way, so I swerve to the left, but theres another tree there, so I swerve back to the right, but there's ANOTHER tree so I swerve the left again and then I chrashed into this wall." The cop thought for awhile and then said. "Ma'am, there isn't a tree for 30 miles of here, you where staring at your Pine Tree Car Freshener hanging from your Rear View Mirror." And finally.... How do you piss off an archectict? You give him a used tampon and tell him what period it came from. __________________ Eat me!

11-30-2004, 09:35 PM	#15
Gilgamesh in a Hat The One That Says Bad MotherF$#%er Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: right behiND THIS DOOR! A-HAh! Posts: 172	One is a joke, but riddle me this! A famous soccar goalie is know for being able to catch anything that comes at him. Well for one week straight he is unable to catch anything. So to relax he goes on a vacation, but as soon as he gets off the plane, he sees a building that is on fire! So he goes to watch and at the fifth floor a fireman is holding a baby asking for someone to catch it. Well, the peole at the scene recognize him and convince him to try. The fire man lets go of the baby!......AND HE CATCHES IT! the crowd cheers but the first thing he does, he drops it, and kicks it across the street. RIDDLE TIME! A man is hicking through the woods and he comes to a cabin. He goes inside and finds every one dead. What happened? Answer![The plane crashed]Answer! I know of a word of letters three, add two, and fewer there will be! what is the word? Answer![the word is "few"Answer! __________________ "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

12-01-2004, 01:46 AM	#18
TheSpiritOfVengance The Glorious Number One Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Wandering the Earth once More... Posts: 1,250	No offense to any one here How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the Hatch. __________________ "Revenge is a dish best sereved cold. And it is very cold in outer space" --Kahn

12-01-2004, 06:56 AM	#20
Astral Harmony Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm Moe Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Harmonial Sanctum Posts: 6,798	A blonde goes into a sex toy shop and asks for a dildo. The shopkeeper tells her to choose from the varieties on the wall. The blonde asks for the red one. The shopkeeper apologies and says that the red one is a fire extinguisher. A blonde goes into a shoe store in Louisiana ["No offense in this joke to people from Lousiana. It's about the alligators you have there."] and asks for a pair of alligator shoes. The shopkeeper says they're $200. The blonde is outraged and says she'll go out there and get some for herself for free. The shopkeeper is obviously skeptical and goes to the river to see that the blonde has taken out dozens of alligators and laid them in a nice pile on the side of the river. She pops above the river surface with another unconscious and checks it. "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes, either!" she laments. A blonde is driving really fast and is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The police officer asks for the driver's license. The driver searches her purse but can't find it. She asks what a driver's license is. The police says that it's something with her picture on it. The driver searches her purse again and finds her makeup compact, which has a mirror. She can see herself in the mirror and assumes it's her license so she hands it to the police officer. The police officer takes one look at it, sighs, hands it back, and says "Look, if you had told me you were a police officer from the start, we could've avoided this whole mess." This blonde calls her boyfriend up and complains about a puzzle. The boyfriend asks what the picture is supposed to be once the puzzle is assembled. The blonde says it is supposed to be a tiger. The boyfriend agrees to help, and goes to her house. He takes one look at the box the puzzle came in and one look at the pieces scattered on the table. Then he looks at his girlfriend and says "Look. There's no way this puzzle, once it's done, will be a tiger. Now put all those Frosted Flakes back in the box and let's go to Bojangles." One of my personal favorites: A young blonde girl is about to go on her first date. Her mother warns her about boys. "First, if he wants to hold your hand, you tell him that your hands are made of fragile glass and will break if he touches them. Secondly, if he wants to give you a kiss, tell him that your lips are really soft and bruise easily. Finally, tell him if he wants to have sex with you that your pussy is really, really hot like an oven and that he'll burn himself if he tries to have sex with you." The girl listened closely and heeded her mother's advice, and went out on the date. When she returned, she was taken aside by her mother and asked about how it went. Girl: "Well, at first he wanted to hold my hand, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to hold my hand, it would break like fragile glass." Mother: "Hmph. I figured he would try to hold your hand. What happened next?" Girl: "Well, some time after that, he wanted to kiss me, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to kiss me, that my lips would bruise because they were really soft." Mother: "Ah, I knew he would try to kiss you. What happened after that?" Girl: "Well, some time after that, he wanted to have sex with me, but I told him just like you said. I told him that if he were to have sex with me, that my pussy was really, really hot and would burn him like an oven." Mother: "Heh heh! I knew he would try something like that! And how did he respond?" Girl: "Well, he told me that he had this big piece of sausage that he wanted to cook and could really use my hot oven to cook it for him. So while he was cooking his sausage, he brought it out a couple of times so that I could taste test it for him to see if it was cooked well enough." (bows) Two blondes are watching a movie. Blonde 1: "Hey, this guy next to me is jerking off!" Blonde 2: "Eh. Just ignore him." Blonde 1: "I can't! He's using my hand." What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork. What's worse than a dead baby in a barrel? Ten dead babies in ten barrels. And worse than that? Ten dead babies in one barrel. And worse than that? One dead baby in ten barrels. Another of my personal favorites: This one guy has finally gathered enough money to buy the motorcycle that he's always wanted. When he goes to buy the motorcycle, the dealer informs him that should it rain, rub Vaseline on the body of the motorcycle to protect it from rust. The dealer hands him a canister of Vaseline and the guy takes his motorcycle out for a ride. Well, his girlfriend calls up and invites him to dinner. He's excited because this is the first time he's ever gone to her house to eat before. He meets her at her house and she informs him that when they have dinner, the first person who talks has to do the dishes. With this warning in mind, the guy goes inside with his girlfriend and finds that there are dirty dishes everywhere! Crowded on the couch, piles into the corners, on the television...I mean, everywhere! Well, they sit down to dinner, the guy, his girlfriend, the girl's mother and father. They're all very, very quiet. The guy suddenly has a good idea and he kisses his girlfriend at the table. They say nothing. He decides to fondle her breasts. Still, they say nothing. Then he goes all out and has sex with his girlfriend right on the table in front of her parents. And still, after that, nobody says anything! In his mind, the guy sizes up his girlfriend's mother. She has a really nice body, he thinks, so he takes his girlfriend's mother and has his way with her totally. He has her in every conceivable way. And still, when he's done his deed of outward sin, they say nothing. The father is fuming. The mother is shocked. The girlfriend feels betrayed. Suddenly, the sound of thunder flashes outside. Worried about his motorcycle, the guy stands up and takes out the canister of Vaseline the dealer gave him. The father quickly backs away and shouts "All right! All right! I'll do the goddamn dishes!" Last edited by Astral Harmony; 12-01-2004 at 07:03 AM.