Jokes/Riddles thread!

[RavenDrake]

I beg forgiveness in advance, I'm a thoroughly unrepentant paronomasiaist. :p

Horse walkes into a bar. Bartender looks up and says "Hey, why the long face."
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A bit of string walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter and says "Hey, gimme a drink". Bartender says "Piss off, we don't serve strings here!" and throws him out. Undaunted, he wraps himself into a tangle, and splays out the threads at his ends. He hops back into the bar, leaps up on the stool and says "Hey! Gimme a drink". Bartender says, "Hey, arent you that string I just threw out of here?" The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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A sandwitch, a bag of chips, and a can of soda walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Clear off you lot, we don't serve lunch here."

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Mans walking out in the fields of Scotland on vacation. It's lovely there, and he's just admireing the scenery. He hears grunting and moaning and looks over to see a man banging a sheep. Mortified, he dosen't know what to say, and the farmer banging the sheep just looks at him and keeps going. At a loss for what to say, the man just utters "...So, uh... back home we used to shear those." To which the farmer replies "Bloody 'ell, I'm not shearing this with anybody!"

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(this joke works best told in your thickest Irish brogue)
Fellow walks into a bar in Ireland, and he tells the bartender "I want a drink, but I'm stone broke." "Then you get nothing," replies the bardenter. The man thinks for a minute, and says "Say, sure'an if I could show ya something you've never seen before, It'd be worth a free drink." "Ha!" the bartender replied, "I've been eveywhere and done everthing. If you can show me something I've enver seen before, I'll give ya a weekend of free drinks". Smiling, the first man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny man in a tuxedo, only a foot high! The bartender, thinking it's a doll, is surprise to see this tiny man walk down the bar, and grab up a peanut and start eating it. "But that's brilliant!" the bartender says. "That's nothing," replies the man, "Watch this!". So saying, he pulls a tiny piano from his pocket. The little man runs over, and sits down. Imediately, the most beautiful, haunting classical piano music fills the bar. Everyone is stunned. The bartender hands the man a bottle of his finest whiskey and says, "Drink up, lad! You've earned it! But tell me, please... where did you ever find somethign like this?" "Well," the man replied, "It all started several years ago. I was walking the seashore near me home, when I found a beautiful glass jar. Opening the jar, a wee fairie did emerge! In return for freeing her, she granted me a wish.... but it seems she was a bit hard of hearing." "What makes you think that?" The bartender says. "Well, how else do you think I wound up with a 12 inch pianist?"

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For your sanity's sake, I refuse to subject you to the "Daisy the Moth" joke.

[Astral Harmony]

No, please! I want to hear it!

Bring out the chauvinist pig jokes:

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.

What's the problem when your woman is in the living room? You didn't make the chain long enough.

Why did the woman cross the road? Fuck that. What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

Me: "Now, you know I don't endorse chauvinistic actions. I respect women far more than I do myself."

Why did the M&M's factory fire all of their blonde workers? They kept throwing away the W's.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job? After ten years, your job still sucks.

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? When you lay the brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

A college professor is known for having a really foul mouth and a brunt attitude. His lectures are a real hit with the guys, but the ladies in his class have had it and have planned to walk out on his class if he keeps it up tomorrow. The morning right before the class starts, he's informed of the plan and begins to teach like normal. "The SS Meridian is scheduled to arrive in port soon after three years at sea. I bet those boys'll fuck anything that moves." Suddenly, the girls all stand up and turn to leave until the professor continues. "Hey, there's no hurry. The ship won't reach port until next week."

[slightly aboveaverage man]

How many canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

13: one to screw it in, and 12 to form a committee on whether the Lightbulb is a Federal or Provincial responsibility.

[Toastburner B]

Lightbulb joke:

Now many drunks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to hold it in place and another two to drink until the room spins.

Blonde Joke:

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

Random Joke which is funny at 3 in the morning:

What was the last thing to go through the fly's mind when he hit the windshield.

His butt.

[RavenDrake]

The Moth Joke.


So. I'm up at 5 am watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie with my friends, and I see a moth up on the wall with beautiful green wings. I go over to pick her up, and she settles in my hand. "Well hello there," I say feeling silly, "Whats your name."

Well that moth stands right up in my hand and goes "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!" Well this shocks me and my friends to say the least. I've never seen or heard of a talking moth. Well, stunned as I am, I know a good thing when I see it, and I get out a an old cage i used to keep a bird in and set Daisy in the cage. So, we're watching more of the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie and an advert comes on announcing the County-wide Moth Appreciacion festival. I'm like, "We're so there, dude".

We apply for the the tallent portion and I can already see it's no contest. Me and daisy walk up front, and the judges look up, and she puffs out those pretty green wings and goes "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!"

Guess what?

We won!

First prize in hand, 500 bucks, me and my buddies and Daisy spend that evening pigging out on pizza and soda. We're all up till early morning, watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie and then, there comes an advert for the All State Moth Appreciation Festival. First prize in the talent competition is 5000 dollars. So of course, we have to go.

We get there and register. I'm a bit worried, cause there's some real competition here this time. There's one moth that dances to a Christina Aguileara song, and another that can add and subtract by landing on a touchscreen pad calculator. But I'm sure Daisy can take care of herself. Me and Daisy walk up to the front of the stage, and she preens a bit for the cameras and shakes herself out, and just sings out "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!"

Guess what?

We won!

5k in hand and a big blue ribbon, we have a huge steak and shrimp dinner catered to our home to celebrate. We're drinking and eating and celbrating and all up till ungodly oclock in the morning again watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie, when a new advertisement comes on. Its announcing, you guessed it, the National Talent finals of the Moth Appreciation Festival. I just look at Daisy, and she looks at me, and we nod.

We enter into the competition, and it's obviously going to be tough going. There's a moth from El Paso that can hum it's wings to "Deep in the Heart of Texas", and one from out in California that does simple C++ computer programs on a tiny computer. I'm not too worried, but I can tell Daisy is. I just smile and tell her "All I expect is for you to do your best". Well we get up on stage, and she's rareing to go. She struts, she poses, she preens, and she lets loose with the most lyrical, beautiful "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!" I've ever heard.

Guess what?

We won!

50 thousand in the bank now, we're ready to live in the lap of luxary for a while. We party down, and stay up till the Butt-crack of dawn again watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie on our new plasma screen TV, and we see the adds for something new. The International Moth Talent Finals! Broadcast live! With a prize of 500,000! Well, we just have to enter.

Man, when we get there, I know we're in for the biggest fight ever. There's trained russian weightlifting moths hurling Bic pens around, Korean moths going all "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mothra" and doing wire-fu moves. I just calm Daisy down, and I tell her, no matter what, I'm proud of her. She's made it this far, and no matter what, she'll always be my little Daisy.

We get up to the stage, and she's on fire now! She does a little coy dance, she fluffs, she shines, she does a little pirouette, and ends it with "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy Daisy DAISY

Guess what!

We... we lost....

We were all really bummed out, but Daisy was really taking it hard. She was crying harder than I've ever seen anyone cry, big, green, luminous tears just rolling down her face as she sobbed in my hands...

And all I could think of was, "Aww... have you ever seen a moth ball..."

*ducks and runs for cover*

[Thanatos]

Ok so one day I'm out playing golf with some buddies of mine. I'm having a good day, but the last two holes I started slicing like crazy. Finally on the 18th hole I'm down by one stroke, and I've got to sink this shot to win. Problem is, I'm in the rough right next to the water hazard. I go to pull out one of my clubs when I here this voice near-by say, "Use the nine iron." I look around, but don't see anyone, so I turn back to my golf bag again the voice says "Use the nine Iron."
I still don't see anyone, so I ask "Who said that? Where are you?"
"Down here," The voice says. I look down and see a little frog. Now I'm not one to ignore a talking frog, so I pull out the nine iron. The frog proceeds to tell me how to stand and swing the club before I hit the ball. I take the frogs advice and hit the ball. It goes right into the cup. I say, "How'd you know what to do?"
"I'm a lucky frog," the frog says "Take me with you to the store and we'll get a lottery ticket I'll give you the winning numbers." So I do, and sure enough, we hit every number. However several other people one as well, so I only got a few hundred thousand dollars.
The frog says, "That's ok, just take me to vegas and use that money and you'll be set for life."
So we go to Vegas, and go to the Roulette table. "Put everything on 32," the frog says. I do and the wheel stops on 32. We do this for a few hours going to all the different games and winning every time. I'm finally up to several million dollars, and we decide to call it a night.
Up in my room the frog looks at me and says, "I'm not really a frog. I'm actually a beautiful girl, but an evil witch cast a spell on me, because I was so beautiful and I'm very lucky. If you kiss me though I'll turn back to my original form."
Well I'm a real loser, and don't often get the chance to be with a beautiful woman, and like I said I'm not one to ignore a talking frog, so I kissed it. And just like she said she turned into the most beautiful, Black haired, green eyed large breasted thirteen year old girl you'd ever seen.

And I swear, your honor, that is how she got in my room!!

[Astral Harmony]

(reads RavenDrake's joke...twice...)

I...I still for the life of me don't get it.

[Aeria]

Moth Ball = Moth Bawl; bawl = to cry, moth ball = really BAD pun. I loved it!

[slightly aboveaverage man]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhyno.

[My Lead Airbag]

How do you turn a washing machine into a snowblower? Give her a shovel.

An Italian family was sitting around the dinner table. The father looked at his oldest son and said "Franco, why are you so fat?" Franco says "Papa, its Ma's steak, its just so good." The father says "Franco, just take smaller bites." The father looked at his middle son and said "Marco, why are YOU so fat?" Marco says "Papa, its Ma's lasagna, I just can't stop eating it." The father stops him and says "Marco, just eat smaller bites." Finally, he looks at his youngest son. "Fredo, how do you stay so skinny?" Fredo looks up and says "Papa, I only eat pussy." The father looks confused and says "But Fredo, pussy tastes like shit." Fredo says "Papa, you just gotta take smaller bites."

A woman is about to get married, but she's worried because her fiance believes she's a virgin. She goes to the doctor to ask what to do, and the doctor advises that she put a rubber band around her leg and snap it when he enters. She wonders why she hadn't thought of that. On their wedding night she waits till her husband penetrates her, then snaps the rubber band. The husband stops and says "What was that?" The wife says "That was my cherry popping." The husband says "Well, could you pop it again, its got my left ball."