Cattle Rancher RP!

[Crodevillian Team]

"Cockadoodledoo!" said the rooster.

"Well, boys, that was the wake-up call!" said Boss as he walked up and down the rows of sleeping cattle ranch hands. "Rise and shine, fellas, because there's a lot of work to do!"

"Lands of Moses, Boss! It's hotter than the burning sands of the mystic Gobe desert, and it's only morning!" complained Little Joe, the Boss's nephew.

"I know, Joe, but times are tough. This depression means we've got to buck up and get the job done, even in the face of adversity. Adversity like hot weather, which I suspect is a byproduct of carbon emissions diminishing Earth's natural protective barrier. But, if there is one upside, Jolly Ol' Pete's taken two notches off his belt!"

Jolly Ol' Pete stood up and offered a wicked grin, hooking his thumbs through the belt loops and pulling forward to show the weight he'd lost. The ranch hands all guffawed loudly.

"Well," said Boss, "it's time to get movin'." Boss put on his cattle ranching gloves, flipped on his ten-gallon hat and prepared for a hard day of labor. He was careful not to forget his can of baked beans, as all ranchers love baked beans. "Hyaa! Wchaw!" shouted Boss, pulling a riding crop from the wall and urging the ranch hands forward. "All right, boys! It's time to shine!"

"Aiooo! Whaoo!" shouted the ranch hands, some spinning ropes above their heads, as cowboys are wont to do. "Boy howdy," said Little Joe, "I sure am excited about cattle ranchin' now!"

"You said it, hoss," said Hoss.

The sun beat down hard on their leather clad backs as they clamored out of their sleeping quarters and into the fields. The cows grazed lazily on grass, as cows are wont to do. Boss hopped on a horse, its luxurious golden mane flowing behind as it trotted over to a cow.

"Whoa! Whoooaa!" said Boss, unexcitedly. "I am unexcited about today, but I can't let the ranch hands know." He looked at the cow to make sure it was properly branded, but it wasn't. "Boys, come over here!" shouted Boss enthusiastically. "We have a cow to brand!"

"Aiooo! Whaoo!" shouted the hands, some riding in circles on their horses. But they came over to Boss shortly, and Little Joe brought a heated iron in the shape of the ranch's insignia. "I'm ready to brand that sucker!" said Little Joe with gusto.

"All right, so am I!" said Boss and Hoss at the same time, and they exchanged knowing glances and flushed. Little Joe chuckled nervously. "Okay!" said Little Joe, and then branded the cow.

"Well, I'm glad that's done with. Now let's move on," said Boss, and they moved on to other cows. It turns out that there were two other unbranded cows.

Suddenly, the ground began to tremor. "Oh, no! It's an earthquake!" shouted Shakey Sal as he ducked for cover, but the others laughed.

"Don't worry, Sal! That's not an earthquake! That's just Jolly Ol' Pete!" said Boss, and sure enough, it was; each step Jolly Ol' Pete took, the earth shook.

"Breakfast is served, fellas!" said Jolly Ol' Pete. The ranch hands whooped and hollered and turned back to the mess area.

[Welcome to the wild, awesome world of cattle ranching. Please continue the story.]

[phil_]

Little Joe was the first to reach the mess hall. He hooped and hollered in victory. Hoss caught up and bopped him in the head, then walked into the hall. "You ain't supposed to holler outside," said Hoss.

Jolly Ol' Pete came through his special door, which was two feet wider than the other one, and started serving them their food. Lil' Joe asked, "Is it beans, Jolly Ol' Pete?"

"Naw, just grits and bacon." Pete didn't like beans, but he'd never tell the other men, as they were prone to hollerin' outside. Hollering outside made his head hurt, just like Hoss.

The bacon was sizzling on the stove, sputtering and giving off a bacony smell. Bacon in the morning was something the cowpokes loved, because it was made of meat and went well with beans.

Boss and the cowpokes outside came inside and started eating. They all were tired of grits, as they weren't as good as beans, but they still ate, because they were hungry. They weren't tired of bacon, though, because they loved it. They ate and ate and ate and then they were done. Sal finished first. "Al'right, less go outside again. The cows need watering." Boss got up and said, "That's my job, Sal, but you're right so let's get to it."

The cowpokes shouted "Hooray!" and they wen't out to water the cows and maybe the horses, if they were thirsty.

[Crodevillian Team]

When they reached the watering hole, they found to their delight that there was a lizard nearby, and to their disappointment that the horses weren't thirsty.

"Well, we did just water them before breakfast. I s'pose them horses can only take so much!" joked Hoss, but no one laughed because it wasn't a joke. "Do you think," he continued, "that the cows are hungry?"

"Good thinking, Hoss!" said Josh. "Let's go check!" They ambled over to the cows, adjusting their chaps furtively because they were uncomfortable in all the wrong places.

"Hey, now! You wait up, guys!" said Mutinous Mac. "This morning really teed me off! It was the last straw! Do you know how many times we've gotten grits instead of beans? Why can't we have more bacon?"

"Because," said Boss, "in this time of need and economic desperation due to the faltering stock market, commodoties and luxuries such as beans and, more importantly, bacon, are difficult to come by. Thus, it is imperative that we ration such goods until we have the sufficient funds to purchase a greater quantity. And also, we all know Jolly Ol' Pete can't make a can of beans to save his life!"

Everyone laughed and slapped their knees. Even Mutinous Mac was amused. But suddenly the mood turned sour. Standing amid the cows was Sally Kleeshay.

"Oh, no," said Misogynist Mike, "it's Sally. She's always thinking she can do a man's work." The other hands nodded and shook their heads, some losing their hats.

"Sally! Get over here!" said Mike. "I'm tired of you! You're a sharp tongued buxom beauty with legs from here to Egypt and an independent spirit to match! You belong in the kitchen, not in the fields! I don't approve, nor will I come to accept you through a series of misadventures and hijinx that could possibly lead to a greater understanding of each other and a subsequent love affair!" The other hands nodded in approval.

"Yeah!" said Hoss and Josh.

"Oh yeah?" said Sally. "Well, last time I checked, I wasn't LOOKING for your approval. I can do the work of any man, and last time I checked, that includes you!"

"Well, you'd better check again!" said Mike. "Because last time I checked, I was the Cattle Ranch Hand of the year."

"Boys, boys! Settle down!" said Boss, and they settled, but really reluctantly. Mike grumbled and kicked his boot in the dirt. "Sally, you're free to do what you want, because this is a new day and age. Women are more than capable of doing any task that a man can, but more pretty."

"You betcha!" said Sally.

And the situation was defused.

"Now," said Boss, "let's do some ranchin'!"

[phil_]

Now, it was growing quite hot, but it was ok, because the hands were used to the heat. That's why they were all copper-colored, except for the one's who weren't. Those guys were different.

As the cow pokes tended to their cows, Little Joe saw one of the cows. That cow in particular especially bore seeing, because it was asleep. Lil' Joe was about to say something, but Hoss beat him to it. "Hey, Mike, Sal, Sally, Boss, Jolly Ol' Pete," said Hoss, "lookit that cow." He didn't call Joe because he knew that Joe had seen it. "That cow's asleep."

"I don't see it," said Shakey Sal.

"I do," said Mike. "It sure is asleep."

"In this heat?" asked Sally, incredulously. She could speak in ways that warranted big words; women are special like that, especially on the open range. Of course, the range hadn't really been "open" since the Oklahoma Land Rush of 1889, but they still called it the open range. They hoped that openness would scare away sheepherders.

"Yeah," said Mike. "Why don't you try tipping it over, Sally?"

"Not my cow!" said Boss. "And isn't that goats that tip over?"

"No," said Precocious Paul (he was eight), "it's called cow-tipping, so it's cows that tip over when they're asleep and you push'em."

"Point taken, Paul," said Boss. "Now, go back to the ranch and start cleaning again. That's yer job."

Paul went back to the ranch and started cleaning up. Little Joe was about to tip over the cow, but Hoss stopped him. Hoss didn't dislike Joe; he just liked doing stuff first. So he stopped him so that Joe wouldn't get in trouble. After that, they continued ranching and doing ranching things.

[Crodevillian Team]

"Whew, boy!" said Hoss. "It's so hot out here, I could sure use a return trip to the Waterin' Hole!"

"I agree!" said Boss. "You're all more than welcome to take a water break! Except for you, Scapegoat Sam!" Sam hung his head and wiped a few tears from his eyes.

"It's time for me to return to my own time now," said Anachronistic Arthur, pushing multicolored buttons on his bracelet and then disappearing in a puff of green smoke.

"Well that sure was weird," said Hoss.
"Yep, sure was," said Little Joe. "Let's go get some water!"

The hands went to the watering hole, but unfortunately Boss got there first, so they had to wait. But then there was a gasp, because there was a five foot rattler curled up near the watering hole. But it turns out it was just thirsty, and was soon on its way.

"My thirst is slaked now, that's for sure," said Boss. The others agreed, but only after they drank, also.

"I think that takes care of the water break," said Boss. "Let's go back to what we do best! Cattle ranchin'!"