Like, 60 guys walk into a bar (freestyle comedy ensues)

[Preturbed]

Originally Posted by Skyshot

It's even sadder that I tried to figure out a way to tell someone that joke out loud.

I tried it too.

[POS Industries]

So this guy dies and, because he touched himself inappropriately one night when he was nine, he goes to Hell. Upon his arrival, the man appears before the Devil himself.

"Hey there, buddy," Satan greets the newly damned, "Welcome to Hell. Let me break down how things run around here: There's a lot of ways to suffer throughout eternity, and it would take way too long for me to have to assign each and every person a method befitting their crimes. It is for this reason that I'm going to give you a quick tour around the place and let you pick your pain. Come along, now..."

And so the two walked around the pits of Hell for a while, and oh, the horrible things the man witnessed. People being burned, flayed, frozen, stabbed, swarmed by flesh-eating insects, being forced to read a whole internet thread filled with blonde jokes, reliving their most painful memories, so forth and so on. Finally, the man and devil came to a room filled entirely with shit, where people were just standing around, drinking coffee and chatting with one another.

"Well, this doesn't seem nearly so bad," the man said, "I think I'll take this one."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever... I gotta go, Grey's Anatomy is on in a couple minutes," Satan grumbled as he left the man to his fate.

So the man wades into the fecal pool, gets himself a cup of coffee, and introduces himself to his new roommates. Just then, a large demon enters the room and yells, "All right, break's over.... Back on your heads!"

[Melfice]

Dirty joke.

Three friends, who are also married, decide to go skiing for the winter. Ofcourse they bring their wifes, and they all get seperate rooms.
All day was a day of competitions, and as they are sitting in the bar one of the friends, Bob, thinks up another bet.
After the wifes all retreated to their rooms he turned to Frank and Bill.

"Hey, guys, let's bet on who has the most sex this evening."
Bill replies: "Sure, I'm in."
"But how are we going to compare? Our wifes will be with us the entire day tomorrow." Frank says.
Bill comes up with something ingenious: "Tomorrow at breakfast, for everytime you use the word 'morning' you've had sex one time."

So they decide to do so.

Next morning, at breakfast when everybody is at the table, Bob greets them with a sad face: "Good morning."
Bill, with a smug face: "Good morning, this morning!"
Frank is looking quite absently into the void. His wife nudges him in the side. "Aren't you going to greet them also?"

Bill snaps out of it and starts: "Good morning, this morning. Such a lovely morning it is. Truely, I've never seen such a grand morning. Why, if anybody..." etc. etc. (Keep adding in 'mornings' as long as you can when telling this joke)

[Preturbed]

Similar to POS's joke.

So this guy dies and, because he touched himself in an inappropriate way repeatedly throughout his life, he goes to Hell. Upon his arrival, the man appears before the Devil himself.

"Hey there, buddy," Satan greets the newly damned, "Welcome to Hell. Let me break down how things run around here: There's a lot of ways to suffer throughout eternity, and it would take way too long for me to have to assign each and every person a method befitting their crimes. It is for this reason that I'm going to give you a quick tour around the place and let you pick your pain. Come along, now..."

And so the two walked around the pits of Hell for a while, and oh, the horrible things the man witnessed. People being burned, flayed, frozen, stabbed, swarmed by flesh-eating insects, being forced to read a whole internet thread filled with blonde jokes, reliving their most painful memories, so forth and so on. Finally, the man and devil came to a room with just two people in it: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

Monica is engaged in the act for which she became famous, fellating the ex-president.

"Well, this doesn't seem bad at all," the man said. After all, Who would mind getting blown for eternity?
"Mr. Satan, I'll take this room if you don't mind."

"Ok, why not," The devil says with a grin. "...Monica, you're free to go."

[POS Industries]

I think it's a little more than similar. As for Clinton... Yeah, I'd hit that.

[Fifthfiend]

If anyone could talk his way into an eternal 'punishment' of getting his spade polished until the end of time - it'd be ol' Bill.

[Preturbed]

Sorry POS, yours reminded me of it and since I'm actually writing a 5 page report on gender in The Last of the Mohicans (the 1992 movie) I figured you wouldn't mind if I stole the body of your joke.

[I_Like_Swordchucks]

How about lawyer jokes?


1. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s a slimy, bottom feeding, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

2. How do you a know when a lawyer is lying? His mouth is moving.

3. This kindly old priest dies and goes to heaven, and is greeted by Saint Peter. He’s shown around heaven, given his mansion (which was fairly nice) and left to enjoy eternity. He was pretty happy since it seemed to be a pretty good deal. The, one day he sees this guy with a massive golden mansion, a limousine, servants waiting on him hand and foot, and he thinks this must be Jesus or somebody really amazing. So he asks Saint Peter who it is, and Peter goes “oh its just some lawyer.” This bothered the priest somewhat “How come I, who have served God all my life, don’t have nearly as big a reward as a lawyer?” Peter looks at him, “Well we get all kinds of priests in here. He’s our only lawyer.”

4. Satan got tired of having hell be all ugly and dirty, so he decides to do some renovating in order to make it a more appealing option to people. He gets some pearly gates, some golden streets, cleans it up nicely with a few mansions. God hears about this, and comes down to check out it and is shocked when he finds out Satan has hell looking like heaven. “You can’t do this,” God exclaimed. “Heaven is copyrighted... I can sue!” Satan looks and God and laughs “where are you going to get any lawyers?”

--------------------------------------------------------

And for a non lawyer joke:

These three guys show up at heaven’s gates after dying. St Peter looks at them and asks them how each of them died.

The first guy goes: “Picture this. I come home early from work one day, and I find my wife in bed naked with a man’s clothes on the floor. I go into a rage and fly through the house trying to find the guy, and then I spot fingers hanging off the edge of our sixth story apartment balcony. I grab a baseball bat and then go smashing his fingers until he lets go and falls to the ground below. He is still moving though, so I grab our freezer and throw it over the side so it lands on him. However, lifting that freezer in my state gave me a heart attack so I died.

The second guy goes: “Picture this. I was washing windows on the 8th floor of this apartment building when the scaffolding gives way. I fall, but managed to grab on to a balcony of an apartment below me. Then this maniac of a guy comes out and smashes my fingers with a bat, so I fall the rest of the way. I survive, somehow, but then he drops a freezer on me which crushes and kills me.

The third guy goes: “Picture this, I’m naked and in a freezer.”

[Mondt]

Originally Posted by I_Like_Swordchucks

How about lawyer jokes?

That was a bad idea. This might take more than one post. Actually, it WILL take more than one post. XD I'd make this (these) an attachment, but for some reason those never work for me. So....

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she's a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don't eat vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.


----OK now that were done with the Q and As, lets get on with the story jokes.
----These are pretty funny.

-The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

-A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[Mondt]

More lawyer jokes:

----A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

---- -A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

-----A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."

-----The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

--Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."

-----A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

----A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

----"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

----NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn?t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer?s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I?ll give you $1 million, I?ll keep $1 million, and we?ll send the engineer to Mars."

----A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

----A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

----A young attorney who had taken over his father?s practice rushed home elated one night.

"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"

----An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

----At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
_____________________

That was 10 pages of jokes. I have 6 more. XD I won't post anymore, though...