NPF Avatars 5 - Let's Leave a Mark

[PyrosNine]

"Like I said, I don't like to fight." Majimmier continued.

"Then this is going to be one boring post..." Pyros sighed.

"Wait. I didn't finish." The giant mecha replied to it's driver. It reached into it's backpocket and pulled out a tome. "BUT I STILL LIKE RIPPING PHONEBOOKS APART!" It roared, as it ripped the Gaian Email Directory as if it were toilet paper (that has already been used and gone crusty in a dry, dirty attic.) The force of the intense phonebook ripping met the ZOMGWTFHAX DOOM CANNON!!!, unveiling the ultimate defense technique: 411ROFLMAO BARRIER!!!<^.^>!!!

The mech dropped the shreded (and then vaporised) phonebook and leapt at Rei.

"Why don't we just talk?" He called out in his innocent manner, pleading.

Rei was a bit curious as to what the Pacifist robot had to say. "Well, alright, as long as it involves you killing yourself..." [entirely removable, but I thought the line was so full of win]

The rocket boosters on Majimmier's fists fired, and Rei's curiosity was met with a powerful rocket punch.

"URAA! PUNCH FOR PEACE!" The previously docile mecha cried.

[TheBlindMime]

Licking the remaining delicious from his fingers TBM, began to wonder what was going on, now that all the cheese was gone he could think for himself. This Majimmer fellow they were all piloting was obviously a psycho, or at the least a thinly veiled reference to Mr. Bojiggler (not Prince Philionel Seyruun from Slayers like some might think).

But to that little plushie, who had the attention span of a parrot (parrot's have notoriously short attention spans), this fight should already be over. There was only one thing left to do. "I'M HELPING!!" TBM jumped up and began running across Pyros' controls, kicking switches and stomping on buttons. He didn't know what any of them would do but it would probably be more entertaining then a Pacifist's punch.

[Mesden]

With the oncoming flurry of chair shot, Mesden knew she couldn't take it to the face -- if that ever happened she'd be down for the count! So, with the cleverest and quite possibly most innovative counter ever thought of, she jumped into the air, her body horizontal and now perpendicular to the Nothing God, she span both feet around and kicked the chair down at the height of its momentum in some kind of side ways dropkick.

As soon as contact and redirection happened, she flew away with her fluttery wings, stopping at one of the corners and hovering there with her feet positioned determinately together, as if she were standing on some invisible, neck-height pole or turnbuckle, if you will.

[The Kneumatic Pnight]

“As I was saying, my foremost charge as of now is the protection of the intelligent races. Your payment, after a fashion, is your pledge to assist me in that goal. However, considering your track record with not trying to destroy humanity, I’m afraid I had to instigate some collateral.

“You’ve been chipped!” KP was grinning uncontrollably.

“You-”

“Now, now, it’s a simple precaution. It will merely prevent humanity-destroying hijinks as well as some associated incentives a la altruism but that’s nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about right now,” KP interrupted. “You be my good press, and I’ll be your provisioner. Starting with this!” A short, pudgy Itallian woman in a long skirt and grey jacket picked up a palm-sized black disc and flung it into KP’s outstretched hand; he passed it smoothly to Arhra.

“That,” KP continued, “is the refined first prototype SEAL. It will work fine in most universes, but it’s still not warrantied for use in alternate realities.” Here, KP passed up a truly ponderous ream of bound, type-ridden paper to Arhra in similar fashion to the disc. “Read your terms of use.”

[POS Industries]

"BUT I STILL LIKE RIPPING PHONEBOOKS APART!"--*click!*

Let's pause for a second here.

Now, as I'm sure you kids are aware, it appeared that Majimmier's 411ROFLMAO BARRIER successfully deflected the ZOMGWTFHAX DOOM CANNON. In truth, it probably would have and, in some alternate timeline branching off from this one, it very likely did. However, in this reality, it unfortunately did not.

"But POS," you're probably asking aloud at your computer right now despite the fact that I can't hear you and wouldn't anyway because I'll be asleep by the time you read this, "does that mean you're retconning Pyros' whole post just to screw him over like some sort of godmodding douchebag?"

Ha ha ha, of course not, you ridiculous fools.

As it turns out, a tear in the space-time continuum opened in the Doom Cannon's path just before it impacted upon the barrier, redirecting the beam toward another target.

And what target was that, you ask?

------------------------------------------------------------

"Son of a....."

Reeling from his opponent's successful execution of the Van Mesdenator, Pedros Nihilem quickly attempted to right himself as he tumbled backward, landing on three out of all fours as he swung the throne back around behind him.

"Okay, that was pretty smooth," he growled, checking to see if his nose was still where he left it, "Obviously, this is going to take a lot longer than I'd like it to at this rate, and since I can't use my tricks on you directly...."

Pointing his left index and middle fingers outward, POS channeled his annihilation power in front of him, cutting some sort of black portal between the two of them. A rather large portal, at that. It had to be pretty big, of course, as a monstrous wave of electromagnetic energy came barreling out of one end on a direct course for Mesden herself.

"....Let's see how someone else's tricks work on you! HAHAHAHOSHIT RAPID DECOMPRESSION!!"

Despite the fact that gods don't necessarily need to breathe, there was an ample supply of air in the Pantheon as gods do need to talk. Incessantly. And since sound travels via the vibration of air molecules, the need for it became quite necessary. This, however, presented a bit of a caveat in Nihilem's current plan, as the other side of his space-time rip was the cold black of outer space.

Of course, he was able to just bore a hole in the marble floor beneath him to grab hold of and stabilize himself, but it really was a scary couple of seconds before he thought of that and also remembered that he's immortal anyway so it's not like he had anything to really worry about.

Well, okay, it looked exciting and that's something, at least. Sheesh.

------------------------------------------------------------

"Um, sir?"

"Yes, Mister Worf?" NexGen asked of his tactical officer.

"Well, uh... First, I'm a girl," Lieutenant Melissa "Worf" Ishikawa continued, "but also that Newb guy or whatever seems to have fused into one of the dragon head things on the enemy robot. Should I just shoot at the whole thing?"

"Hm.... Yeah, that sounds good," the Captain nodded thoughtfully, "Master Blasters to full power and fire at whatever that thing with the phone book is!"

"Yes, sir. Firing now, sir."

------------------------------------------------------------

Oh right, forgot to unpause this part....

*click!*--"URAA! PUNCH FOR PEACE!"

With Majimmier's apparently disembodied rocket-propelled hurtling toward her, Rei Overdrive briefly considered just activating her energy shield to deflect them. Then she remembered that she was currently using her shield to make this giant body to fight the megazord. Then she thought about kittens.

After imagining herself rolling around in a blizzard of kittens, Rei decided to just leap backward to match the fists' velocity, activating her artificial gravity generator to force them in a downward slope where they impacted upon the ground, as opposed to impacting upon her.

"Well well, looks like you're unarmed!" Rei chuckled triumphantly, "Whatchoo gonna do now?!"

[Mesden]

Mesden lifted her finger intently and prepared to scold him incessantly for ripping a hole in space, but when she began moving her lips, she realized she was in a vacuum and the typical process of blowing air out of a tube and flapping two pieces of skin like a pair of epileptic snails doing the nasty gave no gains! Now thoroughly disheartened by her inability to belittle the badguy with words, she was left to deal with the massive death cannon pointing at her.

At this time, she'd normally take a moment to state the futility of his attempts, but her dammit she can't talk! He would pay -- he would pay dearly. With two pressing concerns -- death cannon and vacuum alike -- she figured the perfect idea! With a stark contrast to Nihilem's big portal of nothing, she'd make a great portal of everything! If everything went as planned, it'd be like matter and anti-matter, or peanut butter and nitro glycerin! With a strict wag of her finger, within a picometer of Pedro's big ol' death portal's edges came her life portal -- a massive opening to her universe -- that matched the size of his and encompassed the death cannon, leaving it to fire harmlessly into a vast universe that would hardly mind the attack. As the air filtered back into the room, Mesden took a big breath of relief.

"That was uncalled for! I like to talk, thank you very much! And I know you, too, can't get enough of your own voice. That was counter productive you ridiculous clod!" she flapped her wings stubbornly at the end of her scolding, as if to drive the point home -- also to show off that she had wings.

[POS Industries]

"Clod?!"

The hole-into-space problem having been appropriately dealt with, Nihilem rose to his feet and set the throne on the ground, leaning upon it as he responded to Mesden's insults.

"You and I both know that was a pretty cool trick and I would have gotten away with it if you didn't have your own little Chuck-E-Cheese universe to play around in. I mean, honestly, what do you expect me to do, just keep swinging this stupid chair at you over and over again? 'LOL Chairshot.' 'LOL Dodge.' 'LOL Chairshot.' 'LOL Dodge.' Do you know how boring that is? And another thing...."

POS picked the throne back up, hoisting it over his shoulder as he sauntered toward her.

"....You know you like the sound of my voice, too."

[Mesden]

"Ah yes, it's a rare-known fact that every lady in the world gets off on generic evil villain deep voice number 5 -- how ever did you find out?! And, really, I expect you to be a bit more creative than 'Oh lookit me, I can summon doom cannons, I'm so original', please! Atleast the throne thing was a bit new. Speaking of new..." Mesden had to think of an adequate counter to his Nothing Throne and the idea was all but obvious. She seemed to be the speedier of the two -- opting to spin around and kick instead of swinging giant thrones around -- so it's obvious she must follow in the foot steps of the speediest, wiliest fighter to ever exist.

Jackie Chan!

With a quick grasp and pull from her sheathe, Mesden held her large, golden sword in the air and, with a brief contemplating look she began to shape it into a longer, quadrupedal form, with interconnecting steps. Within moment her former sword had been turned into an 8 foot, golden ethereal ladder -- her very own ladder of life! The perfect weapon to combat a throne of nothing.

With no hesitation she strutted forth, her ladder reared back behind her, ready to counter his nasty old chair.

[POS Industries]

"It is not Generic Villain Voice #5!" POS scoffed as throne and ladder collided, "I'll have you know I modeled this particular tone after George Takei! Granted, it wins over more men than women, but it's still not bad!"

While both gods' weapons were still locked in combat, Nihilem grabbed hold of one of the ladder's rungs and attempted to combine his own strength with Mesden's own force to send both it and its wielder flying.

"And like a shapeshifting sword hasn't been done before...."

[Mesden]

"Ladder-Fu will triumph!" as quickly as POS had grabbed a rung of the ladder, Mesden pushed up on the part furthest away from him, causing it to violently slam down and catch his arm, more or less wrapping the ladder around him, followed by her uppercutting the ladder, attempting to send him falling back arm first.