BlackMage.exe - Page 5

Nikose Tyris · 04-14-2009, 02:43 PM

There is no worthwhile fanfic/fanskit to comment on. It's completely unreadable the way you have it.

We're telling you this in hopes you'll start over and try again more carefully, and make it better.

Also because it's kind of fun to mock it honestly.

Meister · 04-14-2009, 02:47 PM

Right here. Although:

Quote:

an actual fan-fiction story involving actual dialogue and exposition and paragraphs and highfalutin' junk like that

Yeah I think we've established what's up with all that in this here context.

Quote:

To stop Meister from posting anymore bad pic

Oh ho ho ho!

Actually, some serious notes:

Descriptions/Pictures: it's a fanfic, so it's safe to say about the only people who will care in the first place are those who already know the characters anyway. So excessive description probably won't be needed. In any case what a character is wearing isn't nearly as important as how he behaves. (And truthfully, I wouldn't know if that's accurately depicted here, because I know fuck all about Mega Man Battle Network.)

Quote:

and maybe a comment on the episode and not all my errors

The episode is godawful because of the errors. They need to be fixed if you want anyone to take this halfway seriously.

***Fenris*** · 04-14-2009, 03:01 PM

I just counted, the first sentence that doesn't have some sort of grammatical error, spelling error, or hate crime in it was the 29th.

Kim · 04-14-2009, 03:04 PM

Do you want to be a fanfic writer, just like famed author Kirby2000? Then just sign up for our one week course and learn to write fanfics the Kirby2000 way! Our course is know for producing results. Look at how much Meta_Knight351 improved after just one week!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tengen BlackMage Fighter Lagann

And then the robot shaped like a head that Black Mage was piloting hit the Dai Garland which was a really big ship that was also red. And then he tried to take it over but it wasn't working because White Mage didn't like him. And then Fighter's came over in his robot and punched Black Mage in the face and said, "Believe in the Black Mage that I believe in!" And then Fighter went back to his robot and then he got stabbed by a robot that Lich was in. And Black Mage screamed and the Dai Garland was going to fall in a volcano. And then Fighter's robot punched Black Mage's robot and said, "Believe in the Black Mage who believes in you." And then they combined and Fighter said, "Giga Sword Breaka!" And then they stabbed Lich with a giant sword and he exploded. And then Fighter died and everyone was sad.

***Fenris*** · 04-14-2009, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NonCon

And then the robot shaped like a head that Black Mage was piloting hit the Dai Garland which was a really big ship that was also red. And then he tried to take it over but it wasn't working because White Mage didn't like him. And then Fighter's came over in his robot and punched Black Mage in the face and said, "Believe in the Black Mage that I believe in!" And then Fighter went back to his robot and then he got stabbed by a robot that Lich was in. And Black Mage screamed and the Dai Garland was going to fall in a volcano. And then Fighter's robot punched Black Mage's robot and said, "Believe in the Black Mage who believes in you." And then they combined and Fighter said, "Giga Sword Breaka!" And then they stabbed Lich with a giant sword and he exploded. And then Fighter died and everyone was sad.

Look man, I know you're trying, but that's still barely readable.

Kim · 04-14-2009, 03:08 PM

Hey, one week can only do so much. They have to learn terrible grammar and spelling on their own.

Funka Genocide · 04-14-2009, 03:23 PM

It's good that you've got an interest in writing, and the guts to put it somewhere at least nominally public.

But it's terrible writing, not even considering the subject matter.

If you've got any real aspirations towards literary accomplishment, you're going to need a deeper understanding of grammar, syntax, plot, characterization, description, just writing in general.

Read more, pay attention in English class, and write more. But don't post anymore writing anywhere public unless you enjoy this sort of ridicule, because you need to put in a lot of work just to reach readability, and that baseline is a long way off from enjoyability.

Keep working at it, or start working at it I suppose, because from what you've shown you've put little to no effort in developing your ability to formulate a complete thought in sentence form.

Mr.Bookworm · 04-14-2009, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FenrisWolf

Look man, I know you're trying, but that's still barely readable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2nd Draft

AND THEN DA ROBOT SHAEPD LIEK A HAAD TAHT BLAK MAEG WAS PILOTNG HIT TEH DAE GARLAND WHICH WAS A RILLY BIG SHIP TAHT WAS ALSO RED!11!!1 WTF AND THAN H3 TREID 2 TAEK IT OVAR BUT IT WASNT WORKNG B/C WHIET MAEG DIDNT LIEK HIM!1!!!!11 LOL AND THEN FIGHTERS CME OV3R IN HIS ROBOT AND PUNCHED BLAK MAEG IN DA FAEC AND SADE BLEIV3 IN DA BLAK MAEG TAHT I BLEIV3 IN!11!!!!! WTF AND THEN FIGHT3R W3NT BAK 2 HIS ROBOT AND TH3N HE GOT STABED BY A ROBOT TAHT LICH WAS IN!!!!11!11 OMG WTF AND BLAK MAEG SCRAM3D AND TEH DAE GARLAND WAS GONG 2 FAL IN A VOLCANO!1111 OMG AND THAN FIGHT3RS ROBOT PUNCH3D BLAK MAEGS ROBOT AND SADE BLEIVA IN DA BLAK MAEG WHO BLEIV3S IN U!!!!!!!1 OMG WTF LOL AND THAN THAY COMBIEND AND FIGHTER SADE GIGA SWORD BREAKA!!!11 AND THEN TH3Y STAB3D LICH WIT A GIANT SWORD AND H3 EXPLODED!1!1!!111 OMG WTF LOL AND THEN FIGHTAR DEID AND EV3RYONA WAS SAD
!!11111!!

Better?

Funka Genocide · 04-14-2009, 03:30 PM

Jesus Christ you get a mod to say something a little unfriendly and then everyone jumps on the slap happy band wagon. I fail to see how any of this is actually addressing the problem of bad writing, it's just kicking somebody while they're down.

somebody who is probably like 13 years old

also, I find it rather offputting that the only time this subforum ever seems to get any sort of attention is a spectacle like this. Can't be arsed to give constructive criticism on someone's honest attempt at art or literature, but woo boy lookie here, we got's ourselves a lynch mob!

Mr.Bookworm · 04-14-2009, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funka Genocide

somebody who is probably like 13 years old

Now see that argument doesn't hold any weight at all.

Lord knows I was a bad writer two years ago, but I could sleepwrite better crap than that.

There's not much point in constructive criticism, because the best thing that could happen is putting it in the Trash bin (and then clicking empty), and then just rewriting the entire thing ground-up, only without the assault and battery on the English language.

And then you probably want to post it on Fanfiction.net or what have you, where there's a community who might be a bit more receptive to this sort of thing.

Other than that, there's nothing I can offer that hasn't been said already.

04-14-2009, 03:01 PM	#43
*Fenris* Administrator Join Date: May 2005 Location: East Coast Posts: 6,806	I just counted, the first sentence that doesn't have some sort of grammatical error, spelling error, or hate crime in it was the 29th. __________________ "FENRIS IS AN ASSHOLE" - shiney

04-14-2009, 03:08 PM	#46
Kim adorable Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 12,950	Hey, one week can only do so much. They have to learn terrible grammar and spelling on their own. __________________ this post is about how to successfully H the Kimmy

04-14-2009, 03:30 PM	#49
Funka Genocide Sent to the cornfield Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 4,566	Jesus Christ you get a mod to say something a little unfriendly and then everyone jumps on the slap happy band wagon. I fail to see how any of this is actually addressing the problem of bad writing, it's just kicking somebody while they're down. somebody who is probably like 13 years old also, I find it rather offputting that the only time this subforum ever seems to get any sort of attention is a spectacle like this. Can't be arsed to give constructive criticism on someone's honest attempt at art or literature, but woo boy lookie here, we got's ourselves a lynch mob! Last edited by Funka Genocide; 04-14-2009 at 03:34 PM.

04-14-2009, 03:23 PM	#47
Funka Genocide Sent to the cornfield Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 4,566	It's good that you've got an interest in writing, and the guts to put it somewhere at least nominally public. But it's terrible writing, not even considering the subject matter. If you've got any real aspirations towards literary accomplishment, you're going to need a deeper understanding of grammar, syntax, plot, characterization, description, just writing in general. Read more, pay attention in English class, and write more. But don't post anymore writing anywhere public unless you enjoy this sort of ridicule, because you need to put in a lot of work just to reach readability, and that baseline is a long way off from enjoyability. Keep working at it, or start working at it I suppose, because from what you've shown you've put little to no effort in developing your ability to formulate a complete thought in sentence form.