Trollslum Act 1: Welcome to Alternia

[Aldurin]

Aldurin is now allowing you to be Aldurin, but only for now.

> Review Sgrub code

You've already done that twice, and you have to say that it was pretty awesome. You're sure it has compatibility with everyone's computers by now, and you'd rather not turn on your computer just to suddenly turn away and thereby allow your lusus to hijack your Trollian account.

>Initiate the only flashback sequence that will probably matter so far.

You remember back to how you got the code for Sgrub.

*Insert wavy fade-out effect on your imagination*

You are now Aldurin in the past, approximately several orbital cycles of Alternia's moon in the past. What will you do?

>Shop for sweet tech shit

Unfortunately, Grubslist and Trollbay are offline, you'll have to resort to a trader to find something. There is one troll who is known to get her hands on anything and everything over a large history with trading. Might as well ring her up.

-- technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling bathorysIllustrator [BI] --

TA: hEy, dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt mIght IntErEst mE? lIkE A "sUpErwEApOn" mAybE?
BI: Who are you?
BI: I don't own any "superweapon".
TA: dAmmAt, It's AldUrIn. dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt lOOks AwEsOmElY tEchnOlOgIcAl thEn?
BI: OH! My antique collectione! You must be referring to that!
BI: Are you interested in barteringe with me then?
TA: yEs, I'vE dEvElOpEd mAnY dIffErEnt tEchnOlOgIEs yOU mIght bE IntErEstEd In.
TA: dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt yOU hAvE nO IdEA whAt It dOEs bUt It lOOks AdvAncEd?
BI: Oh yes! I do indeed!
BI: So many neat objectse gathered by tons of Flarpers! Some of them are really quite interesting.
TA: AnY Of thEm fIt mY dEscrIptIOn? If nOt thEn fInd sOmEthIng thAt lOOks ExtrEmEly dAngErOUs bUt yOU stIll dOn't knOw whAt It dOEs.
BI: Oh I couldn't imagine any of my relics to be dangerouse!
BI: Quite a few do seem very advancede for there time though!
BI: Where is your hive at? Not many trolls live close by.
TA: I lIvE On A rEmOtE mOUntAIn, sOmE 500 trOllOmEtErs nOrth Of thE EqUAtOr.
TA: I'm trAckIng yOUr sIgnAl tO OnE Of thE pOlAr cAps, Is thIs cOrrEct?
BI: :O
BI: How did you know I lived there?
BI: You must be very smarte!
TA: It's OnE Of thE bEnEfIts Of mY wOrk. sO dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt lOOks AdvAncEd, pOssIbly shIny?
BI: Many!
BI: But one in particular I got a sweepe back might interest you!
BI: It looks oddly like a telescope, but it has a very heavy base!
TA: thAt's cOOl, whAt wOUld yOU lIkE In rEtUrn? I hAvE mAnY tEchnOlOgIEs thAt ArE UsEfUl In An ArctIc EnvIrOnmEnt.
BI: The colde has never been a problem for me!
TA: dO yOU hAvE AnY IncOnvEnIEncEs? AnYthIng thAt bOthErs yOU bUt yOU're nOt sUrE hOw tO fIx?
BI: Oh waite! Yes!
BI: I have been working on ice sculptures recently! But my chisele can't cut into anything well enoughe!
BI: Would you have somethinge?
TA: I dO hAvE A mOdIfIEd lOw-rEcOIl chAInsAw bUIIt wIth dAImOnd tEEth And cOmplEtElY IdIOt/sUIcIdE prOOf.
TA: It wIll dEfInItElY cUt yOUr IcE wIth prEcIsIOn, And It's lIghtwEIght tOO.
TA: YOU'll bE mAkIng mAstErpIEcE scUlptUrEs In nO tImE!!
BI: It sounds like a goode deale!
BI: The scope was taking up a lot of room anywyas. :/.
BI: Maybe I can move something else in.
TA: It's A grEAt dEAl fOr bOth Of Us thEn, I'll bE On mY wAY Up In A fEw dAYs tO mAkE thE trAdE.
TA: sOUnd cOOl?
BI: I'll be waiting on the topside then!
BI: And maybe while you're there you can examine the ruins!.
TA: rUIns?
BI: Yes! Its a large temple that lies neare my Hive.
BI: I like to show visitors around it.
TA: hAvE yOU EvEr fOUnd AnYthIng IntErEstIng In It?
BI: Oh there is all sorts of writing on the walls!
BI: I don't really understand it, but someone once told me it was a code.
BI: I think I've seen some platforms and a large pedestal with a timer as well.
BI: Some broken monitorse are also lying around, but my lusus doesn't want me exploring ant further into it.
TA: yA, lUsII ArE wIErd, It sOUnds lIkE It's wOrth chEckIng OUt
TA: crApdAmmIt nOw mY lUsUs Is gEttIng In A fIt AbOUt thIs trIp
TA: hE wAs On bOArd UntIl thE tEmplE, dOn't knOw whY
TA: I'll ActUAllY bE thErE tOmOrrOw tO mAkE thE trAnsActIOn OncE I mAkE sUrE thE chAInsAw Is sAfE And fUnctIOnAl.
BI: Wonderful! I'll be waitinge for you then!

-- bathorysIllustrator [BI] has ceased trolling technopathicalAnomaly [TA] --

Well you've learned some important lessons from that. One, the fact that she mistakes a cannon for a telescope indicates Glissa won't be very reliable for finding anymore stuff. Two, you've discovered the moral dilemma of why would you trade with her a cannon she doesn't know how to use and give her a chainsaw you're gonna teach her how to use. Three, there is apparently technology in some ruins, either that or that naive girl mistook some carvings for circuitry. Might as well check it out while you're there.

>Use cannon to launch yourself to Glissa's hive

You're going to the hive to buy the cannon, dumbass!! You equip your thermal lab coat that proved to be a life-saver when you tested the freeze ray, and grab your jet shoes.

>Time lapse to the next day

You are now on the beach outside of Glissa's hive, partially due to the error that you didn't anticipate her being an aquatic troll. But you probably should have figured that out with her signal coming from a negative elevation.

Glissa pops out of the water nearby, somehow lugging what appears to be an ancient pulse cannon twice her size. How she managed to drag it without using her Sylladex or why she wouldn't use her Sylladex is beyond your understanding.

You make the trade and give her a quick tutorial on the chainsaw, and by sheer luck she doesn't accidentally kill you with it during that lesson.

>This is boring, time lapse to the temple

It is now five minutes later and you are outside of the frog temple. Glissa is acting as the guide, which you figure is okay as long as she walks in front, and she seems to know exactly where to go.

Crapdammit, your lusus got on your computer again.

--technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling technopathicalAnomaly [TA]--
TA: dammit Aldurin, I told you not to go in there
TA: gEt Off mY dAmn cOmpUtEr!! whY wOn't yOU mAkE yOUr Own AccOUnt?
TA: what you find in that temple will have drastic consequences, I'm serious.
TA: whAtEvEr
--technopathicalAnomaly [TA] blocked technopathicalAnomaly [TA]--

You swear, that lusus is a real basketcase. He claims to live for centuries and not originally be a lusus, which is definitely a load of crap, and he insists on using Trollian but won't make his own account. It doesn't help when he starts pondering whether or not longevity is a gift or a curse.

This has got to be one of the dumbest ruins, ever, of all time. It looks like a temple for worshiping frogs. Nothing here seems to be of troll design, and you begin to wonder if your lusus is really as old as he is.

Glissa has somehow not gotten both of you lost, leading you to a room with a device that looks like a bulb and- OH SHIT THAT'S A COUNTDOWN ON THAT THING WITH 30 SECONDS LEFT!!

You quickly grab Glissa and abscond outside of the temple, you hope that the structure can contain most of the blast. Your head-in-the-clouds companion claims that it was always counting down, even when she first saw it.

Now this is even worse, it's probably motion activated and stuck on 5 seconds now. You decide the best plan of action is to send Glissa in by herself to check on it in order to reduce losses in case of an explosion.

*A minute of tense waiting later*

You decide that if anything is gonna happen then it would have already happened. Might as well go in there and get her corpse back to the ocean.

You find Glissa at the bulb/bomb, somehow alive. The countdown is at zero and the bulb has . . . bloomed? That's it? If you were to put a countdown on something it would definitely do something more drastic than bloom. It appears the bulb contains two discs, each with one of those weird mathematical shapes on the top.

You have no means of examining it here at this giant pile of stones. Glissa allows you to take it with you, apparently she figures that her lusus will calm down once it's gone.

>un-initiate flashback sequence

So now here you are, at the present. Damn program took you months to convert to binary and then to proper troll programming languages. But it looks worthwhile. From what you can tell from the markup, it's a game that's been enhanced down to the last detail to the point that it probably looks real when installed.

In fact, the only thing that keeps you from installing it is that it requires multiple people to work, apparently each person serves as a "client" to one and a "server" to the other. You've been getting all of your contacts informed of this game, and have sent word that you'll send it out once you finished burning enough discs. Apparently the game is so huge that both the client and server programs require separate discs.

The only thing that you know for sure is that this is going to be the best game you've ever played and probably will play.

>Now that we know that stuff can we please go back to being another troll?