Mo' Like Green LanTURD, AMIRITE!? GUYS?!

[Lumenskir]

Ugh, got to the movie theater an hour early, so we decided to sneak into the last 40 minutes of this while we sobered up before Super 8.

Honestly, if you told me that this movie took a week to write, I would tell you to fuck off with your inflated time frames and look at the final action sequence. It really seems like the writers were inflicted with a neurotoxin and told they would only be given the antidote if they rushed the script in, because how else do you explain:

-So GL and Brainiac fight, and GL wins, and Brainiac just...walks away I guess while GL sulks?
-Blake Lively is some sort of computer genius? Also, that those computers would definitely be working great right after an explosion happened like three feet away.
-So, the ring can create anything...like, let's say bullets. Why make a gun to shoot bullets when you can have a ring that shoots bullets. Also, why shoot bullets at all, you have a fucking ring that can make anything.
-Does GL have an irrational hatred of satellites in the comics? Because there is no other reason why he had to throw that satellite.
-"Guys, there's totally a really dense asteroid field like thirty seconds away from Earth, right? And it just sort of ends, right?"
-The cloud chasing GL literally looked like a green line being chased by the angriest clip art in the universe.
-"Guys, it totally only takes like thirty seconds to get to the sun right? Also, you don't have to go through the asteroid belt again, because that's totally on the way to the sun and not actually in the complete opposite direction, right?"
-Was the "bigger you are = faster you burn" thing established before in the movie Hahaha, that part makes no sense no matter what.
-So it takes him thirty seconds to fly to the sun, but he still needs to strap himself to two fighter jets to get the speed necessary to barely escape? Why not an entire fleet of fighter jets, or anything else he wanted? Were his space helicopters in the garage or something?

Just...ugh. I feel like I should have just stared at my Super 8 ticket.

What are the odds I'm going to like Green Lantern?

It's a ridiculous caricature of a movie that tries to distract the audience from noticing the lack of a meaningful story or interesting characters by throwing up mounds of special effects, which themselves aren't that impressive after being displayed so often the audience becomes inured to them. Meanwhile, the basic moral is that no matter how long Others with different skin color have done something, they still need the help of a white man to solve all of their problems after a week of training in the practices they have done forever...so I dunno, only if you're into those kinds of things.