Final Fantasy/8-Bit Theatre Fanstories

[Robert Paulson]

Presenting: The semi-new adventures of the Light Warriors. This takes place after the class change.

It was late at night. Fighter, Thief, BlackMage and RedMage had been travelling for the longest time. They were all walking down a worn out path that led to somewhere, they weren't sure where exactly. The four of them were exhausted. RedMage said to the group, "I can only hope the minimap was correct. The nearest inn shouldn't be too far ahead. I only have so much stamina afterall." Right as he said that, the four caught sight of a roadside inn. Thief remarked, "Is that the inn you were talking about?" RedMage exclaimed, "Why yes! The minimap never fails!" The building itself was an ordinary two-story inn, that looked like it had fallen into disrepair ages ago. A sign out front of the inn read, "Open stage night." The Light Warriors walked in. A receptionist awaited them. The receptionist man said, "Welcome, weary travellers. What can I do for you at this late hour?" Thief told, "Room for four, one night only." The receptionist then said, "That'll be 300 gil." Fighter asked, "What's that sign out front mean?" The man behind the desk answered, "Oh, that. There's a parlor downstairs in the basement. Tonight, anyone can go onstage and do an act." RedMage commented, "Hmm, such entertainment could raise our morale, and morale could turn the tides in an epic boss confrontation! I'll be there right now." "Me too!" Fighter added. BlackMage said, "I'll see this open stage night, so that I may heckle and mock the performers incessantly." Thief told, "I'll arrange the setup for our staying here."

So then Fighter, RedMage and BlackMage went to the basement of the inn. Now they were in a large room, filled with tables and chairs, and on the far end, a stage. At the moment, a man dressed like a jester was on stage. The jester was addressing the audience, "And what's the deal with airship food anyways? I mean seriously, is it that hard to make good food while flying through the air?" The audience chuckled, Fighter and RedMage included. BlackMage was not amused. He was near the stairs, and hadn't taken a seat like Fighter and RedMage. Instead, the dark wizard was holding out his right hand. A fireball was forming in the palm of his hand. He was thinking that setting this 'joker' on fire from a distance would've been much more humorous than listening to one half-assed joke after another. The jester continued his act, "And why is it that inspiring melee fighters always use swords and nothing else?" Fighter was visibly startled by this. BlackMage put down his hand, no longer giving off a flame, and thought, on second thought, maybe I will stay. The jester then spoke, "There are many, many other weapons one can use up close: axes, lances, hammers, whips, halberds, maces, scythes, clubs, staves and daggers to name a few. So why this fixation on swords? Only reason I can imagine someone wanting a sword was because it resembled a giant phallus. Think about it; why do you think blacksmiths make some swords ridiculously large and long? It's so the knight owning it can draw it out and say, 'check out the size of my equipment!' And also, have you heard about the new chained swords?" Fighter became wild-eyed. The jester continued, "It's like nunchuks, but instead of two sticks joined by a chain, it's two swords joined by a chain. First of all, I gotta ask, what's the point? The whole concept behind chained swords is impractical. Why not just use two ordinary swords in each hand, or a double-edged sword? Seriously, what idiot dreamt this up?" Fighter stood up proudly and bellowed, "I would be that idiot, sir!" BlackMage fell to the ground, laughing uncontrollably. RedMage murmured to himself, "This is turning out to be a rather funny cutscene." The jester said to Fighter, "What? No way! You didn't make up chained swords!" Fighter marched onto the stage, shouting, "But I did! See here!" He held out his swordchucks, then bragged, "Watch what I can do!" He began twirling his swords around at a blinding speed, when suddenly, one of the swords broke off the chain, and went flying towards BlackMage. The sword barely missed the black-turned-blue mage. Fighter stated, "Oops." The jester added, "My point exactly." Fighter and RedMage went to BlackMage, who was more angered than shocked by Fighter's antics. Fighter picked up his blade and said, "Sorry about that, buddy." BlackMage coldly replied, "Your existence is but one of many reasons I live to obtain ultimate power." "Thanks! And everything you said, but the other way around, with your existence inspiring me to become stronger!" Fighter said back. The three went back upstairs. Thief was conversing with the receptionist. The Elf was saying, "Come on, it'll be just this once. I'll never ask you again." The receptionist scolded, "No, a thousand times no! I have a reputation to live up to!" "But you'd be serving royalty!" Thief argued. RedMage asked, "What seems to be the problem?" Thief answered, "I'm trying to lower the price to 5 gil, but he won't budge." BlackMage asked, "Strange. Sounded like you were trying to get him to perform a-" Thief interrupted, "Don't even finish that sentence! Why you humans must think entirely in perverted thoughts is beyond my reasoning." BlackMage said, "Don't lie. You know it's true." Thief handed the receptionist 300 gil and told, "Forget what I said."

The Light Warriors spent one night at the rusty old inn, and by the morning, they were already continuing down the worn path. On the way, a young boy stopped them. He looked very out of place. He asked the Warriors, "Excuse me, um, I could use some help." BlackMage blurted, "We don't know, we don't care-" but RedMage covered BlackMage's mouth, assuming the blue mage had a mouth, and snapped, "Quiet! This child might lend us experience!" The boy continued, "You see, I travel a lot with some friends of mine, but recently I got separated from them. Have you seen them? There's two; you couldn't mistake them. One is a dog, kinda tall, has really long ears, and the other's a duck, has a funny voice. In fact, they almost look human; they wear clothes, stand on two feet, and can talk, have you seen them by any chance?" The four Warriors all drew a puzzled look at the human boy. Then Fighter, Thief, BlackMage and RedMage bursted into an uproarious laughter. BlackMage, in his laughter, managed to say, "You might wanna try layin' off the forest shrooms, kid!" The boy exclaimed, "Hey, that's not funny! I didn't make any of that up! You know what? Nevermind. I'll just be on my way." The boy walked off in the opposite direction of where the Light Warriors were going. Thief said, "Wow, and I thought human children couldn't be any more stupid." RedMage then told, "Pretty soon, they'll be saying that the legends of a kingdom run by mice monarchs turned out true!" And the four of them marched on . . .

To be continued.