The Silmarillion

BitVyper · 04-20-2010, 12:04 AM

You know, everyone has always told me that it's dry and boring and blah blah blah, but I'm about two thirds of the way through, and I'm just not finding that at all. Now granted, I've read quite a few epics, so I'm a bit more accustomed to the type of storytelling, but still, it doesn't really seem THAT slow. I mean, you're not getting page after page of "Beowulf gets some more treasure. Here's where it all came from and who owned it and their family history."

Anyway, it IS the sort of story that needs to be consumed in small bites. It's not the sort of thing where you can sit down and have an enjoyable time reading it through in one sitting.

I have a few observations from what I've read so far:

1: Fingolfin was one bad motherfucker. I mean, everyone is all on about how awesome Feanor was, but Fingolfin completely blew him out of the water. It's like...

Morgoth breaks the four hundred year siege of Angband, throwing the Noldor into disarray and generally ruining everyone's shit. While everyone is still collectively going "FUCK! RETREAT!" Fingolfin has another response

He goes fucking super saiyan, jumps on his horse, and rides toward Angband with such intensity that the armies of evil think he's a Valar and get the fuck out of his way. He gets to Angband and tells Morgoth to get his pansy bitch ass the fuck out there and fight him. Morgoth, formerly greatest of the Valar, the guy who reshapes continents when he fights and needs not fear destruction from any mortal, pisses in his pants. He has to go out and confront Fingolfin anyway, so he does, and Fingolfin proceeds to kick his sorry ass all over the battlefield until he is literally too tired from beating the shit out of Morgoth to dodge anymore. Morgoth tags him with a hammer that has been leaving big craters all over the place, and Fingolfin just gets back up and keeps fighting. That happens a few more times until Morgoth finally manages to get the better of him, and has his boot on Fingolfin's throat. Just as he delivers the final blow, Fingolfin stabs him in the leg, wounding him grievously for the eighth time in their fight, giving him a permanent limp.

Morgoth vows to defile his body, but the lord of friggin eagles saw everything and he's like "oh HELLZ no,' flies out of the sky, claws the shit out of Morgoth, picks up Fingolfin's corpse, and flies off to give him the resting place he deserves.

Keep in mind, Fingolfin never had to come back to Middle Earth. He could have stayed in the west and been perfectly safe from Morgoth forever. He only came for the sake of Feanor.

I have this image in my head of Fingolfin getting up for the second time from being hit by Morgoth and kinda drunkenly going "that all you got? THAT ALL YOU GOT!? I FART harder than that, you sissy!"

2. Turin son of Hurin's entire life story needs to be animated and set to Yakety Sax.

3. Sauron is scarier than Morgoth ever was.

04-20-2010, 12:04 AM	#1
BitVyper History's Strongest Dilettante Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Arcadia Posts: 6,662	The Silmarillion You know, everyone has always told me that it's dry and boring and blah blah blah, but I'm about two thirds of the way through, and I'm just not finding that at all. Now granted, I've read quite a few epics, so I'm a bit more accustomed to the type of storytelling, but still, it doesn't really seem THAT slow. I mean, you're not getting page after page of "Beowulf gets some more treasure. Here's where it all came from and who owned it and their family history." Anyway, it IS the sort of story that needs to be consumed in small bites. It's not the sort of thing where you can sit down and have an enjoyable time reading it through in one sitting. I have a few observations from what I've read so far: 1: Fingolfin was one bad motherfucker. I mean, everyone is all on about how awesome Feanor was, but Fingolfin completely blew him out of the water. It's like... Morgoth breaks the four hundred year siege of Angband, throwing the Noldor into disarray and generally ruining everyone's shit. While everyone is still collectively going "FUCK! RETREAT!" Fingolfin has another response He goes fucking super saiyan, jumps on his horse, and rides toward Angband with such intensity that the armies of evil think he's a Valar and get the fuck out of his way. He gets to Angband and tells Morgoth to get his pansy bitch ass the fuck out there and fight him. Morgoth, formerly greatest of the Valar, the guy who reshapes continents when he fights and needs not fear destruction from any mortal, pisses in his pants. He has to go out and confront Fingolfin anyway, so he does, and Fingolfin proceeds to kick his sorry ass all over the battlefield until he is literally too tired from beating the shit out of Morgoth to dodge anymore. Morgoth tags him with a hammer that has been leaving big craters all over the place, and Fingolfin just gets back up and keeps fighting. That happens a few more times until Morgoth finally manages to get the better of him, and has his boot on Fingolfin's throat. Just as he delivers the final blow, Fingolfin stabs him in the leg, wounding him grievously for the eighth time in their fight, giving him a permanent limp. Morgoth vows to defile his body, but the lord of friggin eagles saw everything and he's like "oh HELLZ no,' flies out of the sky, claws the shit out of Morgoth, picks up Fingolfin's corpse, and flies off to give him the resting place he deserves. Keep in mind, Fingolfin never had to come back to Middle Earth. He could have stayed in the west and been perfectly safe from Morgoth forever. He only came for the sake of Feanor. I have this image in my head of Fingolfin getting up for the second time from being hit by Morgoth and kinda drunkenly going "that all you got? THAT ALL YOU GOT!? I FART harder than that, you sissy!" 2. Turin son of Hurin's entire life story needs to be animated and set to Yakety Sax. 3. Sauron is scarier than Morgoth ever was. __________________ "There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, and the sea is asleep, and the rivers dream. People made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice, somewhere else the tea's getting cold. Come on, Ace; we've got work to do!" Awesome art be here. Last edited by BitVyper; 04-20-2010 at 12:17 AM.