Magical Landry Sign-Up Part Deux - The Landrying!

[Teal Mage]

Right reviews for the round are ready. Sorry for the wait. Will try to be on the pad for a bit after this - if not tonight, then tomorrow.

Inbred, as it stands, your character does not work. For a simple reason that, admittedly, somehow did not get into the Primer.

Demons have blood.

Your demon has an allergy to blood.

This might sound like something that can be fixed relatively easily with a modified racial weakness, but it actually brings me to the crux of the matter. Your character's race? I can't make heads or tails of it. "Fire Demon" is a generic term - you need to be more specific. What are you after?

Additionally, if your character really is blatantly demonic in his true form - as your profile implies - that is how he appears naturally. Demons don't appear human by birth, that requires a spell on their part. Your backstory seems to assume he's human under normal circumstances - as a 'generic' fire demon, that's not possible. If you want to appear human naturally, make him a Half-Demon.

I also want to point out a few problems with your backstory in general. More specific issues can be dealt with later, if you're still interested.

1) There's Meta-Gaming on the parts of a bunch of your NPCs. Catherine and James Walker, at least - both of them 'know' Alex is a Fire Demon and, as the story stands, is healed by fire and gasoline respectively. Fact is, they had no in-character reason to know that stuff.

2) A Fire Demon with Alex's racial weaknesses would not survive among humans. His first bathtime would kill him. He'd have to be moved to a special facility. We'll be looking at his racial weakness immediately, but I feel like I need to stress this point.

3) Being a demon does not give you an inherent advantage. They are not tougher than humans, and magic like 'Healed by Fire/Gasoline' do not function as racial benefits. Passive abilities like this don't exist in Landry (weaknesses do!). Magic also doesn't work overtly (i.e: does not set you on fire) instinctively. This requires training - which, as it happens, is hard for children raised as humans.

4) Guns are much less lethal in this setting. I say that right in the first paragraph of the Primer. Make sure you've read it.

5) The Guilds are competent. You're underestimating that competency.

Oh, and while I have your attention!

Originally Posted by Inbred Chocobo

He found this clubs assigned to him after the first time he was assigned them he threw the list back in the Professor's face

This would not happen. Alex would get to pick his clubs like everyone else.

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Originally Posted by Relm Zephyrous

Name: Alice Healy (Irish)
Race: Ghost
Gender: Female (or none, depending how you’re calling it)
Aura: You can try to guess at your Aura color - but its probably best to leave this section to me. Its the sum of all your spell hues. (Not bothering to guess, you tell me when appropriate)
Age: 19 [~87] First in appearance, then in brackets, actual age.

Quick note on format. Relm, you don't need to include my instructions in your bio. Aura can be left blank, Age only needs the numbers.

That aside Relm, this is a mess. I'm going to skip straight to the problem, the backstory doesn't work - not at all.

Originally Posted by Relm Zephyrous

The life of Alice can be summarized as a normal girl growing up in Ireland, or at least it was normal until about age twelve. Alice had simple hobbies such as daydreaming, dancing, and dealing with people. These hobbies were some of the only things that Alice held onto for a sense of normalcy when the girl began to receive slow glimpses past the masquerade. This was both a wild and terrifying ride for Alice that dominated much of her teenage years and caused her to do much traveling. These travels ended several years later with her death in 1944 Nazi Germany.

But the story that Alice held after death was far more interesting than that which she had in life. Not actually able to pass on for want of figuring out all of this magical business, she was quickly captured as a useful powering device for research into AI. In particular she was used for the peaceful research done by Norbert Wiener in cybernetics, and until the time of his death in 1964 his refusal to allow political interference.

I don't see why you linked her death to the Nazis. That detail's excessive and in poor taste, bluntly. In fact, this backstory could begin without talking about her death at all, since the first paragraph is irrelevant.

No, the issue is how she survived this long. See, as a girl without magical training, when Alice died, she would not be able to move. Her reason for sticking around is incredibly flimsy too. Unless her curiousity was burning close to an obsession (which, again, makes little sense for a normal girl and is definitely not what she is being portrayed as in the bio) it wouldn't hold her here. Even if it did! Psychopomps would not be sympathetic to it. She'd get passed on.

Or, if she disgusted the Death Guide too much, she'd be left to rot until a Wizard captured her. They wouldn't use her for peaceful scientific research. Her soul would be imprisioned in an object an used for power, if she was lucky. If she wasn't, she'd be destroyed. This result would be the same even if she worked out how to move (an unlikelihood bordering on the impossible) - and is, in fact, more likely if she's going around poking the Masquerade.

It doesn't work. You might want to think of a new character completely. Especially because Sao is a Death Guide herself post-timeskip - a ghost may not be the best call, since she takes her job seriously.

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Originally Posted by Aldurin

Name: Naomi Disponette
Race: Human
Gender: Female
Aura: (Hoping for Grey, though I'll default on Black if I have to)
Age: 18
Appearance: She stands at 6 feet tall with a fit, slim build. Her hair is long, flowing and blonde, and her eyes are blue. She appears to have German and Welsch heritage in her facial shaping. Her standard fashion is usually tank-tops with elaborate fractal patterns, grey or navy-blue khakis and black tennis shoes. She is always wearing her six rings of different colors with copper circuits etched into them in different patterns.

While this is an improvement over the original Aldurin, it still has the same problem. This is a White, not a Grey. Rejected.

That said, I'm just gonna go ahead and say no Greys will be accepted at character generation. Whites will also not be accepted.

And don't try to use Quantum Physics as an explanation for Blacks. I don't like it and it won't work.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Samurai Club (requested club that focuses on Asian sword-technique, unlike fencing)

Kendo Club now exists.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Theresa:
A weak Electricity Spirit that Naomi unkowingly bound to her computer's hard drive during her junior year in high school. Theresa claims to be a self-aware AI program to try and avoid the consequences of making Neoma aware of magic, and has gotten used to being bound to the digital world. She often assists Naomi in various ways, and agrees with Naomi's idiotic Physics theories to keep Naomi blissfully ignorant of magic. She gladly welcomes the companionship of Ayumi and Violette, due to the fact that they don't demand validation on horrible physics theories.

For future reference, this sort of relationship will very likely cost a spell-slot. It's also not something I'm likely to give out.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Violette Donota:
Naomi's other roommate. Violette is a 21-year old half-Succubus from Los Angelos, who came to Amaranth to try to learn to control her powers and suppress the "side effects" of her demon side, mainly her sexual drive. She takes interest in the artistic and graceful things in life. She is confused by Naomi's claim to be conciously using magic due to her aura color, and is a close friend of Naomi's since she doesn't think of Violette as a slut. Half the time Violette is in another dorm in order to satisfy her "desires", much to her shame. (Would like to see her in the Tabletop Club with Naomi if possible)

Tone her down and I might let her in, but she's pretty much fanservice/lesbian romance fodder right now. I don't like her.

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Red Black Mage, alright, bad news. I did some research yesterday on Enlil. It turns out that he really isn’t an appropriate patron deity for Nasir’s tribe – and neither is the Sumerian pantheon. The pantheon may, originally, have been of Arabian origin – but they were adopted by a civilization famous for fortress cities, stonework, carvings and irrigation systems. If they were nomadic gods originally, they have been twisted and warped beyond recognition. They are the gods of cities now. A tribe which is seeking to return to the 'true' Arabian lifestyle would not adopt them as patrons. They’re traitors to that lifestyle. Therefore, Nasir being a descent of Enlil doesn't work in the current background.

Fortunately, I have found a little information on the pre-Islamic gods of Arabia. According to my research, there were at least 360 gods before the rise of Islam, representing both celestial bodies and elemental forces of nature in the Arab pantheon. Tribes likely had their own patron diety as well, among their number. Most of these gods have been lost, though. But! That actually works in our favor. There's considerable writer's liscense here in designing deities for Nasir's tribe. I will, however, be taking a larger role in designing this background (I have done the research for this, after all) to ensure it is appropriate. For this reason, the patron deity of Nasir's tribe will be replaced with this homebrewed one. It may not be the most creative deity, but it's appropriate.

Veehr Jawab: Roughly translated as the Wanderer, Veehr Jawab is a deity of Chaos, associated with fire, wind, spirit, travel and movement. The Wanderer is a god of the desert and patron of Nasir's tribe, who calls all to abandon the corrupt and weak lifestyle of the city dwellers, and return to the old and pure nomadic ways. The Wanderer has no temple, and only one priest - the one who bears their brand. Despising kings, the Wanderer's Brand passes without regard for blood to the most worthy - age and gender are irrelevant. It is said that the Wanderer walks through time and witnesses the deeds we will do, when selecting the mortal who shall bear the Brand as its voice. If the bearer of the Brand seeks to abuse its power, the Brand shall pass from them - and they will be cast out; if the Wanderer does not slay them personally. The Wanderer appears as a masked and veiled figure, clad in a cloak of shifting desert hues. As a god of Chaos, the gender, height, clothes, skin tone and build of the Wanderer shifts without warning - it is rarely the same twice. Only its eyes are predictable - gold in the day, silver at night.

Obviously, this means that Nasir's character would need to be reconfigured pretty heavily. He does not, strictly speaking, need to bear the Wanderer's Brand in the game, but it would be an option. The tribe also worships the other (surviving) gods of the Arab Pantheon. Each family, in fact, bears the blessing of one of these gods (i.e.: They're all God-Blooded/Half-Demon). I won't dictate these other gods, so there's a lot of leeway for you to submit a deity of your own for Nasir to be blessed by, if you'd prefer that route. As a note, the tribe is ruled by a council of priests, not by a single person. The Wanderer's Priest takes power only in extreme circumstances. Traditional arab society had a big problem with kings.

Any of that appeal to you?

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Originally Posted by Geminex

Appearance: About 6'1, Dan looks his age and then some. Despite the carefree grin he usually sports, his face seems much harder, more drawn than it should. He's even spotted the occasional gray hair in the mirror, though he'll probably die before he admits it. Prominent features and strange, pale-blue eyes that work very well in drawing an observer's gaze, distractig people from his long, slender fingers. Normally goes around very well-dressed, often wearing formalwear, even throwing on a full stage magicians' outfit, complete with tophat and a cape lined with red velvet when he really wants to draw attention.

Please make this appearance more concise Gem. It isn't something I'll reject your bio over, but it'll make everyone's job easier when they want to remember what Dan looks like. Oh, and could you make him prettier? Amaranth actually has a policy about that. Didn't think it was important, so I didn't mention it in the Primer, sorry.

Your bio's actually pretty okay, from what I can see. The issues in here are relatively small and more related to his powers than the bio itself. Firstly, if things go missing around him, he'd start to get a reputation where he lived. I suspect his room would have been searched much sooner than it was. Not a big change, but it means he would have been thrown out sooner than he was (this is negotiable, I suppose). Single largest problem is the ending. If a Black ends up in Juvie, they'll serve their sentence. Amaranth is more of a reform school for the supernatural, not the instinctive - even if it wasn't his fault, at best, he'd be Awakened and sent somewhere else for training. You'll have to change his reason for being here.

Originally Posted by Geminex

(I'd also like to propose an Eskrima club, because, as far as martial arts go, it'd be basically ideal for my character, and it's pretty cool on the whole! Though I can just have him join karate if this doesn't work)

It is cool. But, I would say join the Fencing Club (they teach styles other than the rapier) or Meditation Club. The former might be better, since Fencing in Amaranth emphasizes speed and Meditation is decidedly more spiritual. Its style emphasizes form and grace and works better with staves, polearms and dual weapons.

As for your NPCs, they're interesting and I like them. That said, I'm not sure if Damien Fog is appropriate as he stands, since someone like him would have an ability like Jack's aura reading. Fact is, Dan's not a victim of his powers, as some Blacks end up - no exceptional circumstances to merit Damien's attention. Should note that magical "talent" is not really a factor in this setting. It happens, but it's incredibly rare, and more of a curse than a gift.

Abilities now!

Originally Posted by Geminex

Legerdemain
Dan flicks his wrist, his fingers blur and time seems to slow as his hand moves with seemingly impossible speed to perform a feat of legerdemain, be it instantly picking a pocket, palming a card or manipulating dice.

Note: I'm not sure about this one. I don't want it to be just a speed surge, but it's too versatile to be a flash action. Also, not sure about the combat applications, not that it necessarily needs any.

You'll need to break this one down for each specific trick he does. I have a few ideas for some of these, but at this stage, I think it would be best to let you think about it and see what you come up with. Should note that, generally speaking, Motion-Speed boosting abilities won't be allowed, outside of Flash Actions - which are tricky for Blacks to get.

Originally Posted by Geminex

What's that behind your ear? A... Balisong?
Dan pulls his Balisong from behind an ear, from under a nose, or sometimes just out of thin air, with a flourish and a dazzling smile. What a trickster!

Bit too conscious to be a Black ability. I'd also say that his powers don't have a good reason to fixate on the Balisong - its just a random knife he stole way back when. Also, Black Summoning abilities work like Adeline's Find: Ability, generally speaking - otherwise, it gets damned suspicious fast.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Look out, behind you!
With a glance, a widening of the eyes, a shift in his stance, an intake of breath or a small gesture, Dan subtly conveys that there's something behind the mark that they really, really should be paying more attention to. Even an attentive mark might lose focus momentarily and be compelled to take their eyes off Dan for the merest second.

This seems alright. It basically augments an attempt Dan makes to make his target look away from him, I think. It'll be most effective if used against someone who's never seen him doing this before. If he uses this spell more than once on the same target, or a new target who's seen this trick before, it'll become less likely to work. Cost will be moderate. May fail outright in particularly confused situations - when people just aren't paying attention to him enough to be influenced.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Wait, what was that?
With a snap of his fingers, and a creepy grin, Dan enchants the mark to be juuust little... paranoid. They see flashes of color, disquieting silhouettes and sudden movements in the barest corner of their peripheral vision, all of which disappear as soon as they turn around to look. This can be quite a distraction in battle, and a major annoyance outside of it. Smart marks quickly realize what's going on and force themselves to ignore it, but that can lead them to ignore sights that they should really have payed attention to

Useful in battle, as a distraction to escape someone's notice, or if Dan really, really wants to annoy someone for the next five minutes.
Much more persistent than "Look out, behind you!" but not as compelling an effect.

Does too much and is a bit too overt. At best, this ability will augment Dan attempting to be creepy and, well, creep the target out for a while (might stick around for a long time, too). It would be an instinctive curse, essentially. Making someone Paranoid would be different - not sure if you could pull that effect out of an ability like this though. I think optical illusions are too much for this kind of ability.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Don't mind me!
Dan hunches his shoulders just a little, looks slightly downwards, gives a nonchalant whistle and just... blends into the background. He's totally visible, but he seems like much more of a bystander in the grand scheme of things, unimportant to the point where others might not even bother noticing him. The more attention is on him to begin with, the harder it is to blend into the background, and he's still perfectly capable of drawing attention to himself. Useful to escape a sticky situation, not get noticed in class or get close to a vigilant mark in combat.

So, when Dan doesn't want to be seen, this power activates and makes him harder to notice? Makes sense with his background, to be honest. Unfortunately, since the clothes he wears makes him stand out a lot, it probably won't work too well. If his outfits were less remarkable, this would probably be effective in crowded areas, or when he's trying to hide. Probably won't work well in battle, unless he's just trying to avoid becoming an enemy's target in the first place and the enemy isn't looking for him. Would be something like creating an Illusion of Insignificance around himself, I think.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Razzle-Dazzle!
With a flick of the wrist, a finger-sized firecracker, fuse already lit, appears in Dan's palm. The fuse burns for about three seconds, enough time to throw it at an enemy, slip it into a mark's pocket, or just toss it in the air before it goes off... spectacularly. Far from just exploding, the cracker lets out multiple bangs and flashes, spraying multicolored sparks and tounges of dazzling flame. The show lasts for about three seconds, and, while it's quite flashy, the sparks and flames are perfectly real, and perfectly painful!

Hm. I think this ability does too much (minor fire damage+bright lights). You'll need to pick one. More importantly, where does he get the Firecrackers? I don't think he has any income in Amaranth. He'd have to make these himself. Unless you have another idea? Oh, and he may need a lighter to use them.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Right Behind You.
Even the best trickster needs to put 'em up sometimes. If "put 'em up" means "Stab an unsuspecting enemy for debilitating damage." Dan can line up a single stab on an enemy who's distracted, unaware, asleep - anything that prevents them from seeing it coming. The knife sinks into them with a satisfying shlick, piercing a vital organ or three and inflicting much more damage than a simple blade should.

No, this one doesn't seem appropriate, and might be overpowered. Knife-fighting doesn't seem to be a big part of his character either.

A better choice would probably be something like an ability which makes the cuts he makes with a knife more painful than usual, or something that helps him to 'instinctively' stab someone in the right place, when it matters. The target's position would be irrelevant. Like I said though, not sure if he should have this trick.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Exit, Stage Right.
Dan gives a quick bow and twirls around, his cape flapping through the air around him, obscuring him from view until the audience realizes... only the cape's left, floating mysteriously, and as that slowly falls to the ground, even that disappears. Dan rises impressively out of a suitable patch of ground up to 30 feet from his starting position.

Yeah, that's not happening. Maybe if he's Awakened with a hefty cost. Maybe.

Can talk about picking and choosing powers in more depth later. Those are my base reviews - chances are you won't get more than five.

* * *

Last bio then I'm caught up! Yes.

Originally Posted by DanteFalcon

Name: Ben Drohmer
Race: Human
Gender: Male
Aura:
Age: 17
Appearance: Ben stands at 5'10", with light brown hair, kept cut short. His skin is slightly tanned due to a propensity for being outdoors, though his body is only thin, not muscled like an athlete. His eyes are a pale green and peer out from a generally cheerful and expressive face. He typically wears light greens and blues, preferring long sleeves and pants. On his left wrist is what appears to be a watch though its symbols are strange. Even so Ben seems to have no problem reading it. Under the watch face are two small circular scars on the back of his wrist.

Anyone else reading Bend Over when they look at this name? Not here or there, but you might wanna change the last name. That is...an unfortunate thing.

Anyway, more relevant question, is Ben his full name or just a nickname?

This is pretty firmly a Black character. Not sure why you didn't just put his aura color in yourself, but you have DM confirmation now. Your character's Bio's under your Notes for some reason, fix that.

I admit, I don't have a lot of comments to make. His bio makes him sound like a normal kid who happens to like Astrology/Astronomy and writing. The downside is that I can't think of many abilities which will work for him - there isn't much to build off of. That's not a bad thing. In fact, considering how Diana's grown, that might be a really good thing. His development will be unpredictable, but very probably positive.

Abilities, then.

Let's see. Summon: Pen, obviously, functions like Adeline's Find ability. If it isn't logical for a Pen to be found, something that would be functionally similar would appear and his attention would be drawn to it. No Time to Write is fine, since writing seems to be a focus of his (though it didn't get mentioned in his bio, its in his clubs at least).

Celestial Intuition is interesting. I happen to like it, but I want to be sure I understand: This is a spell which 'instinctively' supplies him information on the location of the North Star, provided he has some other stars which he can use as a clue, right? Is this possible? I ask because I'm not sure that one constellation would be sufficient to orient someone. Has he memorized star maps, or something to that effect? I want to make sure this ability is...sufficiently explainable.

Regardless, I think a simpler and cleaner ability would be to make the North Star something he spots quicker, based on intuition/instinct. He'd basically get lucky whenever he looked up for it, and it'd be more noticable - though not perceptibly different - from other stars. Subtly brighter light maybe?

Anyway. Cry for Pollux and Ophiuchian Fascination don't seem to fit. Unless he handles Snakes a lot - which isn't really the issue for the latter - or was raised around them, there's no reason for that skill. Just because he likes the Snake Bearer constellation doesn't give him Snake powers. Maybe a Summon/Find: Snake (probably a garder snake, given the climate) ability would be more appropriate. Unless he gets hurt a lot, Cry for Pollux doesn't fit.

Let's see...has he been in Amaranth the past two months?

Relationships. Huh. You mention Ben's 'eccentric' pretty often in here but that doesn't seem to have made the cut into your backstory. Why? He doesn't sound that eccentric, to be honest. Beyond that, nothing stands out here as a problem. Uh, should mention that I'm reading Clare (hah, another Clare) as a brawler, not a trained fighter. Am I right?

Uh, how many of these kids go to Amaranth?