Pokemon Umbral Theatre 36: We're Alone, We're Very Alone

[Astral Harmony]

Daisy the Swamphair Succubus-!

Daisy: "That's 'Disgruntled Trainer', you douchefag."

Chapter 3: A Li'l Taste of Escargot

Scene 1: An apartment that our group of heroes is renting out for as long as they will remain in Saltspray City.
Javier: *enters the living room from outside* "Hey, I bought us some groceries and-just what in the hell is she doing?"
*Daisy is holding a guitar in her hands with a headset on her head and a dance pad beneath her feet, frantically dancing, singing, and strumming the guitar. Chartreuse is sitting on the couch, watching her with relative disinterest.*
Chartreuse: "It's called Psychotic Smorgasbord. Basically, some indie developer got a crazy-as-fuck idea of bringing Karaoke Revolution, Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution into a single experience."
Javier: "Huh. How successful was the idea?"
Chartreuse: "I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Daisy may be the only person with the ridiculous coordination skills to actually do all three activities at the same time on Psychopath Mode. But the game sold a lot when it was released because of the tag line 'Lose Weight Like Effing Crazy', which made it a huge hit with women on diets."
Javier: "It certainly sounds...involving."
Daisy: *Finishes the stage.* "97% Guitar Accuracy, 100% Dance Accuracy, and 94% Vocal Accuracy. Well, it's not perfect, but I guess it's better than last time."
Javier: "Just don't get too addicted to that game, Daise."
Daisy: "Huh? Why not? If I don't keep my great figure, you won't love me anymore, right?"
Chartreuse: "Daisy saying something cute? Alert the masses, the apocalypse is approaching."
Javier: "Daise, that's not true at all, but there is such a thing as too skinny. I mean, I can see the bottom of your rib cage. Anymore of that and you'll look like a Bible Black girl."
Daisy: "You say that like it's a bad thing, but I guess you got a point. So is there any meat in that grocery bag or what?"
*Lucille, Angelique and Brodic return.*
Daisy: "Hey, you're back. Any good word on the street?"
Brodic: "Haven't seen Christophe all day."
Daisy: "My, that is good word! But more specifically, I mean about the other outpost."
Lucille: "I had a little luck. They weren't informed about me going rogue and reported that the communication system there is still up and running."
Daisy: "Then let's get dinner started early. I wanna be there before sundown."
Lucille: "Oh, is that Psychotic Smorgasbord?"
Daisy: "Yep. Y'wanna play?"
Lucille: "Nah, I can't keep up with it. Actually, my brother created that game. I told him he was a moron, but now he's a lot richer than me so I guess I'm the one with egg on my face."
Angelique: "Being superior isn't about being wealthy."
*Daisy gives Angelique a long stare.*
Angelique: "I stand by what I just said. My house, my clothes, and everything else was gathered naturally from the environment and created by hand until just recently. You really don't need a damn dime to live it up pretty well anywhere you go."
Daisy: "If you say so. C'mon, let's eat dinner and then head out to that outpost."

Scene 2: Port Alcadia. Christophe awakens to find himself sitting in a chair in a small room with a table and a security camera as the only other pieces of furniture. He isn't alone. There are two others in there with him, a man staring out the only window and a woman leaning against the wall.
Mystery Woman: "Ah, the sleeper awakens."
Christophe: "Huh? Wha?"
Mystery Woman: "My name is Escargot Vansaint, an operative of the Chariot organization. Over there is my partner, Gary Oak."
Christophe: "Chariot?"
Escargot: "Chariot is a special branch of the International Police. Just like how Honmyr has the Pokemon Advanced Tactics and Counterterrorism Agency, the rest of the world has Chariot. I mean, we really shouldn't be leaving the fate of the world in the hands of ten-year old kids, y'know?"
Gary: "Vansaint...the point?"
Escargot: "Oh right, the reason we brought you here. You are Christophe Coolidge of Coolidge Town, yes? We would like to ensure your safety by requesting that you stay away from Daisy Miltower."
Christophe: "What? But I can't do that! Mother and father, and Daisy's mother and father would be so cross with me if I were to simply let her do as she pleases."
Escargot: "Well, actually, that's exactly what you're doing. As far as combat is concerned, you are heavily disadvantaged considering she has custom firearms and you have..."
Gary: "A genetically-deficient Mareep, and not even one with a decent level."
Escargot: "Gee, sugarcoat it a little less for him, Gary. I don't think he realizes the gravity of his lack of preparation."
Gary: "Well, you keep tiptoeing around the damn situation. Look, Coolidge, let the two of us take care of Miltower."
Christophe: "No, I can do it! Let me try!"
Escargot: "...Well, what do you think, Gary?"
Gary: "Aside from Miltower, it's too peaceful here in Jurich and even with us two being the only Chariot operatives in the entire landmass, we're still dicking around with nothing to do. So, let's do this. Miltower probably has two destinations in mind for where she's going to go next, Outpost #7 and here in Port Alcadia, but I suspect that Outpost #7 is going to be the one place she'll choose. Vansaint, you will take Christophe with you to Outpost #7. Let him see just how dangerous it is to continue to pursue Daisy when he has no means of stopping her. I will remain here just in case she actually does come here."
Christophe: "You're...not going to kill her, are you?"
Escargot: "Of course not. All she's done is beat down a few of the Fear Vanguard troopers and their Pokemon. Hardly a crime, in our opinion, and not even worth us investigating."
Gary: "But if we simply allow Daisy nothing but freedom in Jurich, there may be greater troubles on the horizon. Anyways, you should leave now, Escargot. I don't think Miltower's going to wait for you to get into position."

Scene 3: Near the restricted area of Outpost #7. Daisy and company are strollin' right on up to the gate.
Lucille: "So, do any of you feel like talking about yourselves?"
Daisy: "Whadayamean, Lucille?"
Angelique: "Well, I can sort of understand how she feels. We've all known each other for years, and here Lucille is, the odd one out."
Daisy: "Ah. I don't really like talking about myself, though. Chartreuse, you love saying words. Why don't you handle this one?"
Chartreuse: "Not sure if I know absolutely everybody's story, but sure, I'll wing it. Daisy Miltower was born and raised in Coolidge Town, an older childhood friend of a young and insignificant boy named Christophe Coolidge."
Daisy: "Calling Christophe 'insignificant' is an insult to insignificant people."
Chartreuse: "As you can expect, Daisy was destined for much greater things than living in a fuckhole of a town and being the doting wife of the mayor's mediocre son and the mother of his children. So, as soon as she was ten herself, she fled the town without even so much as getting a Pokemon Trainer's license and ventured as far as the next town where she met...uh, the rest of us. Even back then, me and Brodic were an item, Javier was living a carefree life, and Angelique lived in a personal settlement out in the woods by a nearby lake. We were all friends who more or less bid each other good days and whatnot, but we didn't really form any kind of close circle until Daisy more or less brought us all together."
Lucille: "I guess she sort of made an impression on you all, huh?"
Javier: "Even when we were kids, I fell hopelessly in love with Daisy the very moment I met her. Her enthusiasm, her energy, her personality...this girl was born to start a party and goddamn, her enduring spirit was infectious. It was kind of like...we were all living some kind of stable, boring lives and she was our one bridge to...I dunno, somewhere we'd never have been able to go without her. Somewhere that I never even knew existed but suddenly wanted to get to more than anything. I couldn't understand it as a child. I still don't understand it as a man. But even when I do and it's not what I want for myself, I'm still going to follow Daisy to hell and beyond."
Daisy: "I know how to pick 'em, don't I?"
Angelique: "Brodic and Chartreuse are on-again, off-again boyfriend and girlfriend looking for adventure, Daisy wishes to return to Honmyr more than anything, Javier is her helpless bondsman, and I tire of living day in and day out hunting, fishing, and gathering. I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with the lives we had before Daisy came along, but ever since we basked in her vitality, even I, who never really had any desires in my life except to eat, sleep, and live suddenly found something in my life missing. And now I can't possibly stop myself from moving forward."
Lucille: "Ah, so it's the whole 'extraordinary person gets other people involved in a grand journey' cliche. I can dig it."
Brodic: "The gate's in sight."
Lucille: "And a person is standing there that I wasn't hoping to encounter."
Daisy: "That woman? Wait, is that Christophe with her? The fuck is going on?"

Scene 4: Right in front of the gate to the restricted area of Outpost #7. Daisy and company close in one a group of Christophe, a woman they don't know, and four Fear Vanguard troopers.
Javier: "My love, if you'd do the honors."
Daisy: "Gladly."
*Daisy draws Javier's gift and her other handgun, twirls them in the air, then trains them towards the enemy group with a dramatic flair.*
Daisy: "Anyone who stands between me and that communications device is going home in a FUCKING BOX!!"
Javier: "I know how to pick 'em, don't I?"
Mystery Woman: "And a cordial greetings to you as well, Daisy Miltower. I'm glad I'm not the only one who knows how to fashionably wear a studded leather bustier and miniskirt."
Daisy: "I thank you for recognizing good fashion when you see it. So who might you be?"
Lucille: "She is Escargot Vansaint of the Chariot organization, a special branch of the International Police. They handle terrorism usually, a lot like what the Pokemon Advanced Tactics and Counterterrorism Agency does in Honmyr. Although from what I know, PATCA sees a lot more action and their tactics are a lot more varied and chaotic, which is curious since Chariot serves the entire rest of the world while PATCA mostly restricts itself to Honmyr."
Daisy: "So, an anti-terrorism specialist, eh? I'm curious to see if her combat skills match her inpeccable fashion sense."
Escargot: *draws two sawed-off double barrel shotguns* "I think my skills are unquestionable."
Christophe: "Wait, Miss Vansaint! I thought you said you weren't going to hurt her?"
Escargot: "Umm...you can see that she's aiming guns at us, do you not?"
Christophe: "Daisy, you've got to stop this! This is madness!"
Daisy: "Madness? This! Is! Spa-!"
Chartreuse: "No, don't! You're like my best friend, Swamphair, and I don't wanna see you killed in your prime by a falling bus!"
Daisy: "Oh, right, those weird people who hate Internet memes." *to Christophe* "A little punk-ass bitch like you wouldn't understand the ways of real warriors, Christophe. Seriously, what the fuck are you doing out here, anyways? If you had a death wish, I could've granted that back in the city."
Christophe: *growling* "Darn it! I'm deploying my Pokemon!"
*Christophe deploys his Mareep.*
Daisy: "Kawaii."
*Daisy shoots Christophe's Mareep. Mareep faints and is returned to the Pokeball.*
Daisy: "But I don't much care for kawaii things."
Escargot: *Sigh.* "My turn then, I guess."
Christophe: "Daisy, do you have any idea how cross your mother is going to be you when she hears about this?"
Daisy: "Yes. Now ask me if I give a fuck. Look, she's pretty much locked me down here in Jurich because she knows this is exactly what I would be doing, regardless. She could've taken away my guns, even stripped me naked, and I'd still be here, ready for a naked white knuckle throwdown."
Christophe: "..."
Daisy: "..."
Christophe: "..."
Daisy: "If you are imagining me and Escargot bare brawling, I'm going to shoot you in the face. And then I'm going to shoot you in the face again. ...I'm probably going to keep shooting your face until...well, until you run out of face."
Christophe: "Ergh...I'm going to ask you one last time, Daisy. Please return home and begin your Pokemon journey in earnest."
Daisy: "Christophe, that's just not going to work. I belong in Honmyr, and not just because I like being there more than I like being in Jurich. I just...when I first went to Honmyr, I knew. I knew it when my body and my mind were immersed in the Rezonscape. Honmyr's going to need me, Christophe, and that's why I'm not going to stop fighting. That's why I couldn't possibly take one step back!"
Christophe: "D-...Daisy..."
Escargot: "I'd say that's a proper indication of her refusal to back down. And I should admit that I'm glad she didn't."
*Escargot raises her shotguns.*
Escargot: "I've actually never gotten to use the twins outside of a firing range. Fear Vanguard, with me! We will defeat and arrest them!"
Angelique: *Whirls her spear and draws on the power of her befriended Pokemon.* "Now that the cheesy bullshit is out of the way, let us see how capable a Chariot operative is in stopping one pissed-off and determined disgruntled trainer."
Escargot: "Yes. Let us."
*A battle that is considerably more notable ensues, but Escargot and two Fear Vanguard troopers are no match for six spirited fighters.*

Scene 5: The interior of the Fear Vanguard base. But still-
Daisy: "Will the four of you go the fuck outside, already?! This shack isn't big enough for all six of us!"
Chartreuse: "But Lucille gets to stay?"
Daisy: "Of course she does. She's the one who actually knows how to use this damn thing. We don't have a lot of time before Escargot manages to scrounge up some reinforcements. So get out there and keep a fucking watch, damn it."
Lucille: "Okay, we're all set up. Making the connection now..."
Woman's Voice: "Hello, thank you for calling the Pokemon Advanced Tactics and Counterterrorism Agency. My name is Daphne, how may I serve you?"
Daisy: "There's no video, Lucille."
Daphne: "Huh?"
Lucille: "The recieving end must just be an audio line like a regular telephone. Hello there, my name is Daisy Miltower and I'd like to speak to my aunt, Irene Crosswald. Would that be possible at this time?"
Daphne: "You're the niece of Miss Crosswald? I never even knew she had one. Hmm...stand by and I'll see if she's not busy, then I'll either patch you through or take a message."
Lucille: "That's cool."
Daisy: "Huh. I'm pretty sure I met Daphne before. Why doesn't she know who I am?"
Lucille: "Well, with that slutty getup of yours, she probably thought Irene propositioned you for some lez action."
Daisy: "Keep that up and I'll somehow punch so deep into all that bright green hair that I might actually hit your head."
*Less than a minute passes and then an image shows up on the screen. Irene is viewed from the side, sitting at her desk. She stands up and walks over to the camera.*
Daisy: "Hey, mom!"
Irene: *Sigh.* "Y'know, Daisy, you really should just accept that my sister Yuzuna is your mother. You don't have to like it, but please try to accept it. I mean, I've already got a daughter and she's more than two handfuls as is."
Daisy: "Yep, she definitely is 'more than two handfuls', isn't she?"
Irene: "I see that once again, everything with you has to be a breast joke. So, Lucille, any luck?"
Daisy: "Huh?!"
Lucille: "Not as such, no. I'm just going to have to sneak on board a Fear Vanguard vessel and try to get to Honmyr that way."
Irene: "Are you sure you don't want my help in this?"
Lucille: "Nah, I think we can manage on our own. With any luck, we'll be off this island by tomorrow evening."
Irene: "Glad to hear it. Honmyr needs all the teenage prodigies it can get."
Daisy: "Hold up, how the hell do you two know each other?!"
Irene: "Just some correspondance, nothing more. No need to get jealous."
Daisy: "I-! I'm not jealous!"
Irene: "At least you got to sleep in my bed with me one night."
Daisy: "Ixnay on the eepingslay ogethertay, umbassday."
Lucille: "We should get going shortly. Daisy, I'm done here. Do you need to say anything before I shut this off?"
Daisy: "Irene..."
Irene: "I know, Daisy. A lot of people just 'know' when they come to this place that they truely belong here. I still say it's a mistake for me to get you involved in all this, but I have a feeling I'd just being making you unhappy if I threw away your wishes. I'll be waiting for you, no matter what happens."
Daisy: "Yeah. I can't wait to get back there. I'll see you soon!"
Irene: "Good luck, you all."
*The connection is cut.*
Lucille: "Let's get to Saltspray City. We'll need to strategize how we're going to break into the Fear Vanguard sector of Port Alcadia and stow away onto a ship."
Daisy: "Right."
Lucille: "So you really slept with Irene?"
Daisy: "Nothing sexual. I just wanted to be held by her for a night."
Lucille: "Hmm...yes, that does sound nice."

Scene 6: Port Alcadia infirmary, Fear Vanguard sector. Escargot is recovering from her wounds. Christophe and Gary are in the room with her.
Gary: "How are you holding up?"
Escargot: "Huh? Are you actually showing concern for me? I must look like absolute shit."
Gary: "Yes, but you kind of look like absolute shit all the time, so it's hard for me to tell just how severe your wounds are."
Escargot: "Want me to hop out of this bed and show you just how well I'm recovering?"
Christophe: "Mister Oak, stop it. Miss Vansaint, please just eat this oatmeal."
Escargot: "Alright, but I'm still not exactly comfortable with being spoon fed. Anyways, what did the supervisor say?"
Gary: "The Fear Vanguard's position in the White Wastelands is getting pretty bad. That ship has to leave on schedule or they might lose their foothold on Honmyr."
Christophe: "And if that's true, then Daisy is definitely going to try and sneak on board tomorrow night, right?"
Escargot: "Christophe, I think you understand the situation now. Please just go home, already. Daisy did all this damage to me and we actually had respect for each other. Imagine what she'd do to someone like you who she harbors only ill will for."
Christophe: "I'm not going to quit. I can't just go home. She's out of control and I feel like it's my fault for not stopping her when we were younger."
Escargot: "Okay, but we can't let you engage Daisy, either. As you are, you're just a huge liability that we can't afford to bother with."
Christophe: "Hmm...what if I wasn't a liability?"
Escargot: "If you weren't, there maybe there'd be some use for you, but-"
Christophe: "Then I want you to train me!"
Gary: "Hmph. Fine."
Escargot: "Gary, what the hell?! This is rather uncharacteristic of you."
Gary: "Christophe may be just a weakling, and he understands that he's a weakling, but he's a weakling who won't stop trying to stop Daisy."
Escargot: "And what, you admire that?"
Gary: "No, but he's only going to get himself and that Mareep killed if he keeps this up, and he's going to keep it up even when it's bound to kill him. In other words, it couldn't hurt us to at least train the worthless piece of shit so that maybe he'll survive those occasions where he's pissed Daisy off. We've got time to kill."
Escargot: "I...guess that makes sense. I would sort of feel like his death would be my fault if I just told him to leave and watched him die when he stubbornly refused to go home. Alright, then. Christophe Coolidge."
Christophe: "Yes?"
Escargot: "Starting now, you are an intern of the Chariot organization. Operative Oak is your commanding superior. I am the second-in-command. If you're determined to stop Daisy no matter what, you're going to do it by our rules. Is that clear?"
Christophe: "..."
Escargot: "Is that fucking clear?!"
Christophe: "Y-yes ma'am!"
Gary: "We don't have long until tomorrow night to slap you into shape, Intern Operative Coolidge, so leave that bowl of oatmeal there and follow me outside. You training begins immediately."
Christophe: "What will my first bit of training involve?"
Gary: *shrug* "Pain."

-------------------------------------------------------------

And now, a new omake series!

Pierce & Impact Go To Whitecastle, Roadtrip 1: ...And Wreck Their Rig En Route To the Mission!

*Impact and Pierce are facing off against each other on a speeding train racing along a track that bends around a mountain range. The purple mist suggests this location to be the Miasma Mountain Range, and there's a strong rain smashing down onto the two warriors. Impact brandishes his Dragon Slave while Pierce clutches his ghost lance tightly enough for his knuckles to turn pale white.*

Pierce: *narration* "Please listen to my story...this may be my last chance..."

*Let's do the Time Warp again!*

*Impact is driving a Rig with Pierce in the passenger seat. Their destination is a highway intersection where Irene is waiting for them to pick up something called an Ashen Knight.*
Impact: "So, how's the Haremon thing going?"
Pierce: "It's strange. Somehow we got the PC Storage System working in a way that would support us Haremeisters, and now all I think about when I use it is that I'm creating a porn database. French Maids, School Swimsuits, bleh. I'm surprised to say this, but somehow I've discovered that even I have limits when it comes to shameless indecency."
Impact: "...For some reason, I'm still glad I'm not involved in that whole mess."
*The Rig goes straight.*
Pierce: "Impact, you missed the turn. We were supposed to go right."
Impact: "This is right."
Pierce: "No, that was straight."
Impact: "That's right."
Pierce: "No, it's left! I mean 'wrong'! Damn it, go back!"
Impact: "Relax, man, we got time. I just wanna get a bite to eat."
Pierce: "Seriously? All we're doing to having a giant steampunk mecha thing load itself up into the Rig. Five minutes, tops. We can probably stop by a restaurant right after, anyways."
Impact: "Look, dude, this is happening so just deal with it. I'll even treat you."
Pierce: "You're...uncharacteristically nice."
Impact: "Yeah, well, I know you probably don't have any money trying to charm the panties off of any girl you happen to favor."
Pierce: "They're all good girls who deserve good things."
Impact: "So why must they suffer with having you as a boyfriend, then? As much as I hate you with every fiber of my being, I still don't get why you don't just use your charms. I'm pretty sure you didn't even get Shizuka a dozen roses before she gave it up."
Pierce: "There's a...principle to it all. I want to be more to them than a piece of meat. And vice versa."

*The Rig pulls into a restaurant parking lot.*
Impact: "Aww, yeah, this is the place."
Pierce: "Dude, this is Whitecastle."
Impact: "Yes, this is Whistecastle. Did the large sign give it away?"
Pierce: "It's just that...well, Whitecastle is okay, but there are certainly better restaurants. Closer ones, too. And less expensive."
Impact: "We're doing this."
*At the drive thru ordering window.*
Impact: "Ummm...I'd like a number two combo, large coke, large fries, and a ten piece order of cheese sticks."
Pierce: "What an oddly specific order. It's like a certain person who created Pokemon Umbral eats here on occasion."
Impact: "What do you want?"
Pierce: "I dunno, just some chicken sliders or something. Since we're here anyways, I might as well get something."
*Impact confirms the order and pulls up to the window.*
Impact: "Hmm...that's odd."
Pierce: "Hmm?"
Impact: "I seem to have forgotten my wallet."
Pierce: "Classic. Forget it, then. Let's just go to the mission, then. Irene's probably already wondering where the fuck we are."

*At the highway intersection.*
Irene: "I'm already wondering where the fuck they are."

*Back at Whitecastle.*
Pierce: "See? ...Hmmm...and she's already planning to wear all sorts of sexy costumes for some hot cosplay action tonight."

*Back at the highway intersection.*
Irene: "And I'm already planning to use my swords to carve out Pierce's cardiovascular system and feed it to Dark Charlotte if his ass isn't here by the time the rest of my patience dies away."

*Back at Whitecastle again.*
Pierce: "Well, can't say that I didn't try. Alright, Impact, do something about this."
Impact: "I don't have my wallet, dumbass. I can't pay for this food if I don't have my damn wallet."
Pierce: "Well, what do we do?"
Impact: "Well, don't you have any money?"
Pierce: "Oh, uhh...let me see here...yes, this much."
Impact: "I think we can make this work."
Pierce: "You sure? I don't think this is enough."
Impact: "No, it's fine, we'll just cancel the chicken sliders."
Pierce: "The fuck?! Hell no, that's my money so you will get those chicken sliders! And you don't have to go hungry, just get small fries and a small coke and do away with those damn cheese sticks."
Impact: "If there is one thing I'll never do in this life, it's forsake cheese sticks."
Pierce: "But that's my money!"
Impact: "But I'm the PATCA Chief!"
Pierce: "But only because you got down on your knees in front of Irene and begged for it!"
Impact: "Yeah, but I've only gotten down on my knees in front of Irene and begged for it once. You do it about three times a day!"
*Needless to say, this explodes into a fierce fight. Impact accidentally steps on the gas during the struggle and the Rig plows forward. Alarmed, Impact tries to regain control, but the Rig flies out of the parking lot and slides into a ditch.*
Pierce: "Owww, my fuckin' head. Impact, you idiot! ...Huh? Impact?"
*Impact is nowhere to be seen, but the rest of the Rig is empty and no evidence suggests we was thrown outside. Pierce crawls out of the wreckage and surveys the Rig.*
Pierce: "Damn it, one of the headlights is cracked. Some paint lost. Thank god the tires are okay. But where the hell did Impact go?"
Impact: *at the drive thru window* "So, about that combo meal..."
*Pierce, frustrated, waits by the Rig for Impact to return.*
Impact: "Oh, I'm going to enjoy this."
Pierce: "I don't know why you should bother eating it. Irene's gonna disembowel the both of us when she sees what's happened to the Rig and the food is just gonna fall out of the hole in your abdomen. Damn it, the wheels aren't even touching and the Rig is too heavy for my Pokemon to move it out of the ditch, nevermind the damage! Forget disembowelment, Irene's gonna slice us thin and sell us as deli sandwich meat."
Impact: "I'm sure she won't kill her boyfriend...would she?"
Pierce: "You might be right, but I still don't want her to see what's happened to the Rig. Let's think. We'll need a professional automechanic to pull this thing out of the ditch, and of course we'll also need money for repairs. Impact, we should hurry back to PATCA HQ to get your wallet."
Impact: "Oh, no need for that. I sort of don't have any money right now anyways."
Pierce: "What?! Where the hell did all your money go?"
Impact: "Oh, I bought some boots like the ones Santa Claus wears that would bring the wearer under my total control, but I could only get them in one size. They were too small, but the business closed down shortly before I tried to return them and now I'm stuck trying to sell them on e-bay to get at least some of the money back."
Pierce: "Santa Claus boots?"
Impact: "Yeah."
Pierce: "Santa Claus boots."
Impact: "Yep."
Pierce: "That's funny, because last Christmas I was trying to dress up as Santa Claus and I found these boots that were too small for me."
Impact: "Well, I'm sure it's only a mere coincidence. But don't worry, I think I know a very quick way to get the money together. Then we'll get the Rig out of the ditch, have it repaired in no time, eat a feast of Whitecastle, and Irene will be none the wiser."

*Back at the highway intersection.*
Police Chief Jenny: "You know, maybe those two went to some restaurant, got into a fight because they didn't have the money to pay for the food, accidentally drove the Rig into a nearby ditch, and are trying to find a quick way to make money in order to get it out of the ditch, have it repaired in no time, dine once more at the restaurant, and you would be none the wiser."
Irene: "Oh, I think you're just exaggerating."