Jokes/Riddles thread!

RavenDrake · 12-02-2004, 02:19 AM

I beg forgiveness in advance, I'm a thoroughly unrepentant paronomasiaist. :p

Horse walkes into a bar. Bartender looks up and says "Hey, why the long face."
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A bit of string walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter and says "Hey, gimme a drink". Bartender says "Piss off, we don't serve strings here!" and throws him out. Undaunted, he wraps himself into a tangle, and splays out the threads at his ends. He hops back into the bar, leaps up on the stool and says "Hey! Gimme a drink". Bartender says, "Hey, arent you that string I just threw out of here?" The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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A sandwitch, a bag of chips, and a can of soda walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Clear off you lot, we don't serve lunch here."

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Mans walking out in the fields of Scotland on vacation. It's lovely there, and he's just admireing the scenery. He hears grunting and moaning and looks over to see a man banging a sheep. Mortified, he dosen't know what to say, and the farmer banging the sheep just looks at him and keeps going. At a loss for what to say, the man just utters "...So, uh... back home we used to shear those." To which the farmer replies "Bloody 'ell, I'm not shearing this with anybody!"

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(this joke works best told in your thickest Irish brogue)
Fellow walks into a bar in Ireland, and he tells the bartender "I want a drink, but I'm stone broke." "Then you get nothing," replies the bardenter. The man thinks for a minute, and says "Say, sure'an if I could show ya something you've never seen before, It'd be worth a free drink." "Ha!" the bartender replied, "I've been eveywhere and done everthing. If you can show me something I've enver seen before, I'll give ya a weekend of free drinks". Smiling, the first man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny man in a tuxedo, only a foot high! The bartender, thinking it's a doll, is surprise to see this tiny man walk down the bar, and grab up a peanut and start eating it. "But that's brilliant!" the bartender says. "That's nothing," replies the man, "Watch this!". So saying, he pulls a tiny piano from his pocket. The little man runs over, and sits down. Imediately, the most beautiful, haunting classical piano music fills the bar. Everyone is stunned. The bartender hands the man a bottle of his finest whiskey and says, "Drink up, lad! You've earned it! But tell me, please... where did you ever find somethign like this?" "Well," the man replied, "It all started several years ago. I was walking the seashore near me home, when I found a beautiful glass jar. Opening the jar, a wee fairie did emerge! In return for freeing her, she granted me a wish.... but it seems she was a bit hard of hearing." "What makes you think that?" The bartender says. "Well, how else do you think I wound up with a 12 inch pianist?"

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For your sanity's sake, I refuse to subject you to the "Daisy the Moth" joke.

12-02-2004, 02:19 AM	#19
RavenDrake Rocks fall, everyone dies Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Subbasement of Solitude Posts: 67	I beg forgiveness in advance, I'm a thoroughly unrepentant paronomasiaist. :p Horse walkes into a bar. Bartender looks up and says "Hey, why the long face." - A bit of string walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter and says "Hey, gimme a drink". Bartender says "Piss off, we don't serve strings here!" and throws him out. Undaunted, he wraps himself into a tangle, and splays out the threads at his ends. He hops back into the bar, leaps up on the stool and says "Hey! Gimme a drink". Bartender says, "Hey, arent you that string I just threw out of here?" The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." - A sandwitch, a bag of chips, and a can of soda walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Clear off you lot, we don't serve lunch here." - Mans walking out in the fields of Scotland on vacation. It's lovely there, and he's just admireing the scenery. He hears grunting and moaning and looks over to see a man banging a sheep. Mortified, he dosen't know what to say, and the farmer banging the sheep just looks at him and keeps going. At a loss for what to say, the man just utters "...So, uh... back home we used to shear those." To which the farmer replies "Bloody 'ell, I'm not shearing this with anybody!" - (this joke works best told in your thickest Irish brogue) Fellow walks into a bar in Ireland, and he tells the bartender "I want a drink, but I'm stone broke." "Then you get nothing," replies the bardenter. The man thinks for a minute, and says "Say, sure'an if I could show ya something you've never seen before, It'd be worth a free drink." "Ha!" the bartender replied, "I've been eveywhere and done everthing. If you can show me something I've enver seen before, I'll give ya a weekend of free drinks". Smiling, the first man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny man in a tuxedo, only a foot high! The bartender, thinking it's a doll, is surprise to see this tiny man walk down the bar, and grab up a peanut and start eating it. "But that's brilliant!" the bartender says. "That's nothing," replies the man, "Watch this!". So saying, he pulls a tiny piano from his pocket. The little man runs over, and sits down. Imediately, the most beautiful, haunting classical piano music fills the bar. Everyone is stunned. The bartender hands the man a bottle of his finest whiskey and says, "Drink up, lad! You've earned it! But tell me, please... where did you ever find somethign like this?" "Well," the man replied, "It all started several years ago. I was walking the seashore near me home, when I found a beautiful glass jar. Opening the jar, a wee fairie did emerge! In return for freeing her, she granted me a wish.... but it seems she was a bit hard of hearing." "What makes you think that?" The bartender says. "Well, how else do you think I wound up with a 12 inch pianist?" - For your sanity's sake, I refuse to subject you to the "Daisy the Moth" joke. __________________ Emmense arsenal... that's funny. What? Does my arsenal look big in these pants?