8-Bit Theater Fanfic: The Citadel of Trials

[AscendedPikachuZero]

Sarda: The Orbs of Fire and Earth are but a start. But the two remaining Fiends hold even greater power than you anticipated.
Black Mage: Just cut the crap and get to the point already!
Sarda: In order to stand against them, you must gain even more power. There is but one being who can grant you that; the Dragon King Bahamut.
Fighter: Yay! When do we meet him?
Sarda: It's not that simple, I'm afraid. He only grants his powers to those who prove their courage. You must retrieve a token of courage from within the Citadel of Trials. In times of old, the Dragons used that citadel as a proving grounds for the mightiest of warriors. It still stands today.
Thief: (A citadel... I bet they have a lot of goodies fresh for the taking.) So when do we go?
Sarda: Right away. Good luck. Oh, and Red Mage?
Red Mage: Yes?
Sarda: Take this.

Sarda gives Red Mage a piece of paper. It reads "I owe you EXP." The ultra-fine print below that reads "Just kidding".

Red Mage: I'll be back to collect after I meet Bahamut.
Sarda: I'm sure you will. *teleports them off*


The team arrives at a very old castle after a few days of hiking.

Black Mage: Sarda, you moron! I had to walk for THREE DAYS with NO SPELLS because of you! I hope you're happy.
Fighter: Hey, it's the Citadel of Trials thingy.
Thief: And how do you know that?
Fighter: That sign says so.

Fighter points to a sign that says "Ye Olde Citadel of Trials". The castle appears very old, and some of the bricks have fallen out of place. The grasslands surrounding the citadel are marred only by a gaudy shack situated at the outside of the citadel's entrance and a small group of stone chunks.

Red Mage: So this is the place. Say...

Red Mage picks up a chunk of cement and looks it over.

Red Mage: This piece of concrete looks like a face.
Thief: Someone must have a sick taste in art. And what's with that gaudy shack?
Red Mage: I'm sure we'll get all our answers inside.

Naturally, the Light Warriors enter the shack first to see an old man with a staff waiting inside.

Old Man: Greetings. Not many people come to challenge the Citadel these days. How may I help you?
Black Mage: Four tickets, please. We're here to try it.
Old Man: You don't need to pay me anything; I'm doing this as charity work. Anyway, I reckon you take a gander at that sheet before you go in.
Red Mage: Hmm...

"The Citadel of Trials

Inside this citadel you will be tried both physically and mentally. You will be faced with a powerful opponent you must defeat using only what you have. If you cannot face up to the challenge, leave now. If you attempt the challenge and fail to live up to it, you will die. But if you survive, you will be allowed to walk away with a symbol of your courage, with which to present to Lord Bahamut, who rewards the truly brave accordingly. Inner cowards beware and be forwarned! --Sage Ramuh"

Black Mage: Heh. Throw me in already! I'll wipe out anyone you can send at me!
Fighter: I'm up to it!
Red Mage: An EXP pump and a symbol of courage... I love this!
Thief: Actually, I think I'll take that symbol now. According to Elven Charter III, chapter nine, subsection-
Ramuh: BREAK!

Before Thief could finish his explanation, he was immediately petrified where he stood. The other three Light Warriors just stare, their jaws agape.

Ramuh: Those damn elves never learn... Stona!

Thief is restored, much to everyone's relief. He shakes his head out and looks at Ramuh.

Thief: WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!
Ramuh: You're from Elfheim. As soon as you mentioned the charter, I knew. Read the ultra-fine print on my sign. Now.

The sign's ultra-fine print read "I get too many people from Elfheim these days. They write in ultra-fine print expecting the stupid to fall for a scam. I won't make that mistake. Anyone who even mentions the Elven Charter on Citadel territory will be petrified without question. The first time is a warning shot; the second time will result in them being shattered by my staff. Using the law to get what you want is the easy way out; those who pass through this Citadel know to do it the right way. In plain English, the Elven Charters do not apply here for any reason. Don't bother bringing them up if you value your life."

Thief: What?! You won't accept the Elven Charter?! I dem- *gripped by Red Mage*
Red Mage: Believe me, it's not worth it.
Ramuh: Your crimson-garbed friend speaks the truth. That rubble outside is from an Elven visitor who sought to use the law for a cheap exit. I left it there as a grim reminder that the old ways shall be honored without fail.
Black Mage: (He has GOT to teach me how to do that.)
Thief: (Stupid old man... the night after I leave this hellhole, I'm paying him a visit. See how he likes it without his staff.)
Ramuh: I heard that! *canes Thief*
Thief: OW! (And he's a mind-reader, too. This is going to be a terrible day.)
Ramuh: You may enter whenever you're ready.
Black Mage: (I'm gonna learn how to petrify people and blow 'em apart! I'm going to enjoy this!)
Fighter: (I bet he knows a lot about swords, too! He's so cool!)
Red Mage: (EXP bounty, here I come!)
Thief: (That's it. I'm suing him as soon as I'm out of his range.)

The group walks outside shortly thereafter. Ramuh has managed to suppress himself until Thief is out of earshot.

Ramuh: Thundaga! Quake!

Elsewhere, an earthquake rips down a law-dojo and a massive lightning bolt blows several law-ninjas away.

Law-ninja: I CAN SEE THE REMAINS OF MY LAW-DOJO FROM HERE!!!!!!!

Back at Ramuh's shack, the sage puts his staff away.

Ramuh: You may come out now.
White Mage: Was that act of violence really necessary?
Ramuh: Elves never learn the first time. He's quick to catch on only because of his companions. While they're busy, pay Bahamut my regards.
White Mage: But Master Ramuh-

Ramuh passes a rat's tail off to White Mage.

Ramuh: You have traveled with these four, I'm sure. I saw it deep within your thoughts. Fighter is the person you relate to the most; despite his lack of intelligence, he's willing to give himself to the greater good. Thief is a coward and a, well, thief on top of that. He needs to be taught respect the hard way, and the fact that he's an elf makes it harder. Black Mage is earnest in his search for power, but the means he seeks to employ them towards are quite vile. I can see why you don't get along with him as well. And Red Mage thinks this is all some game. Imagine the surprise on his face when he realizes there is no reset button for this. Having to endure the four of them for as long as you have, especially with your crippling healer's oath, is just as punishing as anything you can face in this Citadel.
White Mage: When is my challenge?