Batman Vs. Superman was the worst superhero movie ever made

[Bard The 5th LW]

Just watched Batman vs. Superman and I was so disinterested in it that my soul almost left my body right there in the theatre.

Lets bitch about it on the internet so i can mentally justify having seen it.

First up: I understood absolutely no one's motivations for anything.

Batman apparently kills people now and wants to kill Superman because Superman is really really tough and Batman doesn't want to live in a world where people are stronger than him. This version of Batman apparently isn't a thinking man at all and has no interest in sparing anyone and even though he thinks Superman is a danger to everyone for destroying all of Metropolist (which is legit), he goes ahead and does the same exact thing, launching his fucking tank car wherever he pleases and also blowing things up wherever he goes.At one point he crashes his car through a building and then breaks out the other wall just to hit the car on the other side. How did he know no one was in there? How did he know the car he wanted to hit would make that turn? He is such a bad superhero its astounding. He shows no willingness to make any sort of compromise with Superman, he just wants to prove he's the biggest kid on the playground. Apparently though, after a whole movie of being on a fucking termination spree, all it takes for him to spare superman is to learn that their moms have the same name. Then their besties because that makes sense.

Then there's Lex Luther. Oh boy. Aside from making him fucking Martin Shkreli with longer hair and some sort of mental disorder, literally nothing he does makes sense. At no point did the movie ever give me a reason to think he had any motivation at all aside from like, destroying the world because he was bored? I know he's the villain, but he has nothing that made him interesting to even a little bit. Every second of the movie that no one was killing him was SO exhausting. Why did he want to kill Superman? Why did he want to kill Batman? How did he learn their secret identities? How did he somehow know everything both of them would do forever? Why? How? Uggggh.

And then they have the stupid ass edit at the end where Batman leaves the fucking funeral for the man no one in the audience believes is dead only to go NOT punch him in the face and then come BACK to the funeral which is still somehow happening because why fucking not. Sure! Don't give us any catharsis for the character we don't like at all!

What the fuck did he want out of that? To kill everyone? Because that's the only thing I can extrapolate; he just wanted to end the world because he was bored or because OH NOES THE CRAZIES which is a pretty fucked up attitude to take towards the mentally ill.

Second: I didn't like any of the characters. There was nothing in this movie to make me care for them at all.

I was emotionally numb for this entire film. Everything was nonsense and I just. couldn't. care. When the film FINALLY got to the fight it promised it still failed to make me care because it had no stakes. Batman and Superman literally did nothing to eachother. At no point did either combatant leave a significant mark or injury on one another until the very end when only the most cosmetic shit goes down. They proceed to go the rest of the movie without any consequence from that fight. They're neither tired nor injured. It was pointless as the rest of the film.

Third: It was so fucking long.

Uggggggh goddammit DC I know you want to make your own Avengers but fuuuuuuuuck just let that movie happen when it happens. Wonder Woman plays the most extraneous and stupid role possible in this film. She does nothing of value. No. Don't try to convince me she was important to that last fight or any scene at all. I could've digitally removed her from the whole movie and rewrote the fight with Doomsday in five minutes to just be Batman distracting him until Superman finished the job. Nothing she did was important enough to warrant her and the subplot about the other superheroes was also completely irrelevant to the actual conflict of the film.

You know what makes a good movie? Not setting up movies we won't see for another 2 yeas. Just make the movie you're at now and let those movies set themselves up like a GOOD film.

You can't even say that they gave people a reason to be afraid of Superman; Zod already filled that narrative purpose. He was the Boogie man that gave people a reason to fear superman and possible people like him. The Superheroes that weren't Superman or Batman contributed nothing to this movie aside from padding out its already bloated length and making me watch a dumb movie for longer than I had too.

Also they shove so many fakeout dream sequences/hallucinations into this movie that I feel like Batman and Superman shouldn't be given any responsibility at all. Also is Batman like, the Oracle at Delphi? What was even with that scene after his Mad Max styled vision of the future? It made no sense and there was no effort to explain it. And I'm still not done.

Fourth: This was perhaps the most pretentious destruction porn I've ever watched.

This movie begins by doing something ALMOST interesting by replaying the fight between Superman and Zod from a street view, using Bruce Wayne's perspective. Even though he's Batman, he's still just a dude and you get to see the impact of a mindless action film like Man of Steel from the ground level and it actually gives you a sense of context for why Batman might dislike Superman before he ends up just doing all of the exact same shit.

The movie actually opens making you think its going to own up to all the shit Superman did in the last movie instead of pretending that his Godzilla inspired rampage across the city was fine and that the whole place was fixed an afternoon later the way Man of Steel did. It does not follow through on this promise AT ALL. God forbid the hero maybe be forced to feel long term moral weight of his actions.

Like, Superman NEVER does ANYTHING to warrant legitimately changing Batman's mind about him. Nothing. He reveals he has a mom. That's it. Furthermore, the movie never comes to any sort of CONCLUSION about Superman and what it means for him to exist. Like, I don't even mean they leave it up to the audience; they just blow up more shit and forget that they asked that question.

Because the movie spends its buildup trying to pretend its going to deconstruct destructionporn action movies and then just becomes a destruction porn action movie. Legitimately, they just start destroying buildings again as though the first half of that movie never happened. Then the military gets in on it by launching a nuke over what is basically New York because that'd be fine, right? No one would get cancer from that radiation at all nu-uh. They do it in fucking seconds too. Like, there was NO waiting for them to fire that missile, its like they just wanted to do it because they were bored.

"Oh holy shit Superman is taking the monster to space as though he doesn't want to destroy the city."

"Oh okay sweet lets launch a nuclear bomb at them and fuck things up."

"Lol okay."

Its kind of a pet peeve of mine how readily the army fires nukes in both movies and videogames. As though there's like, no oversight or alternative AT ALL that ANYONE could suggest. Like, oh, I don't know, all the oversights that the USA and USSR put into place to stop themselves from pointlessly firing nukes during a little 45 year long period called the Cold War. Nah, you just got to press a few buttons. And there's not going to be ANY lasting consequences ever at all.

And the way they brush aside all the destruction is hilarious. "Oh no that building full of empty was just destroyed!" Yeah okay, no one is in a highly populated urban center at night. Everyone has gone home to their countryside haciendas for the night. There's no such thing as a graveyard shift or cleaning people at all ever. Its fine guys, its fine.

The movie's attempts to brush aside all the deaths that were surely happening in Metropolis and Gotham were so laughable that I legitimately expected Batman to say that Superman got sent to the Shadow Realm at the funeral scene.

Now someone tell me they liked it so I can tell them I hate them.