BlackMage.exe

[Kirby2000]

Well here is the first episode of BlackMage.exe.

I do not own Rockman/Megaman nor do I own 8-bit theater.

BlackMage.exe

It all start in a place filled with computer chips and then you can see a guy named Black Belt who was wearing a blue karate suit with a blue head band to match and a black belt. He also has a green plus sign on a circle on his chest and he also has brown-yellow hair. He was using his nunchaku like a hammer by hitting it on the ground and causing a shockwave. The shockwave was aim at someone else.

That someone else did not really have a face nor name and was in light blue and have the same circle thing as Black Belt but nothing on it. The person jumped out of the way of the shockwave and thing jump on top of the black belt doing a flip and was not in the air.

It then switch to a hand with some kind of chip with a picture of something being shot on to some kind of imp. A voice that most likely the person who is holding the chip said, “Battle chip attack mode: Shotgun! Slot-in” The chip went in to some blue thing. Then it switch back to the guy who did not really have a face arm change in to a blaster like shape and he landed on the ground. He begins shooting but the Black Belt blocked it easily.

It then switches back to the hand again but now with a chip with a picture of a sword on it and the same voice said, “Battle chip attack mode: Sword! Slot-in” The chip then went in the same blue thing. It switch back the guy who did not really have a face and the arm that use to be a blaster shape was now changed into a sword. He then tries to attack with the sword but Black Belt use his nunchaku in which it not only blocked the attack but broke the sword.

It then switch to a to a brown fat kid with fat lips wearing a green shirt and a flatter circle thing no the left side of the shirt with a green plus sign and his name was Dekao. He was holding a blue thing and said, “Finish him off, Black Belt.”

It switch back to Black Belt and he hit the guy who did not really have a face with his nunchaku knocking him back and destroyed some of the arm that used to had a sword on it. The face less guy tried to fix his arm.

It then switch to a kid with a blue headband of a flat circle thing with a symbol named Netto saying, “Run away!” Dekao then said, “You’re finished!” It the switch back to Black Belt who was doing another shockwave this time hitting the faceless guy. The faceless guy then disappeared and some letter spelled out “Logout.” It then shows Black Belt making a pose.

It then switch to the two kids and they was in the crowded area and now you can see that Netto had a orange shirt with white sleeves and he had brown hair. Dekao then said, “It’s a hundred years to early before you can even think of beating my Black Belt.” He then did a laugh. Netto had a sad look on his face.

It switch to a picture of the symbol that was on Netto headband and the you hear a voice the say the episode title

“Plug-in Black Mage”

It the switch to a city and then show Netto walking with a girl on a scooter. The girl had red hair and wearing a blue shirt with light blue sleeves. She also had on a pink mini skirt. Netto said, “Damn that Dekao. At least I didn’t lose to him in the operations.” The girl then said, “Even so, you still played well up until today, Netto.”

Something then beeped the brown thing around the girl’s waist. It was a blue thing the girl then stopped and took it out. On the blue thing it had the word Pet on it. The girl then turns it on to show a girl. The girl that was on the screen had a white robe in which you can see some red at the end on the robe. She not only had a circle thing with a symbol on it on her chest but she had two more and the sides of her hood. The screen the show some stuff popping up and the girl in a white robe said, “Meiru-chan, it time for your piano lesson.” Meiru then said, “Think you, White Mage.” Netto was looking at the screen and after Meiru turn it off he said, “Must be great… your very own custom Navi.” Meiru did a giggle and then a voice said, “Hey!”

It was Dekao on a scooter. He said, “Wait for me, Meiru-chan. Let’s walk home together.” Meiru then got back on her scooter and said, “See ya, Netto!” She then went off and Dekao said, “Huh, where are you going? Meiru-chan, wait for me! Let me walk you home!” Netto then flown.

It cut to a park in which Netto was sitting on a stairway with a blue thing. He seems to be typing in something. It then show the screen in which had that faceless guy and he was trying to fix it arm then a error happen and Netto groaned and was on his back and he saw a fish in which landed on him. Then it showed some brown guy with big lips, fat stomach, a blue shirt, a small white headband, and a black apron with a pint fish on it. He said, “What’s the matter? Why are you looking so depressed?” Netto then said, “Masa-san! You scared me! Leave me alone!” Masa then did a little laugh and said, “So I gather you lost in a fight then. Did Dekao beat you up again?” Netto then gave back the fish back to Masa and said, “It wasn’t a fight, it was a Net Battle!” Masa had a confuse look on his face and said, “Net bath? Is that where you sit around in a sauna and see how long you last?” Netto was washing his hands was a near by sink and said in an annoy voice, “Net Battle! Everyone has a PET nowadays… except maybe you, Masa-san.”

Masa then said, “Well when I was a kid I used to have a doggie…” Netto then walked up to him and said, “Personal Terminal… PET for short.” He then pull out his blue thing and said, “Here it’s this.” Masa then said, “Oh that kind of PET. I knew that’s what you were talking about.” Netto then said, “The PET contains an A.I. program called a NetNavi that assists the Operator.” It then cut to the battle that was the beginning of the episode explaining, “And a Net Battle is a battle in which you let the NetNavis fight through the computer.” It cut back to reality and Netto finish by saying, “It’s really popular nowadays.” Masa was picking his ear and said, “Net Battle, huh? Sound interesting, maybe I should get one of those pet-things too.”

They then heard a fire truck and saw a line of them on the street. Masa then said, “Could it be another series of fires?” Netto then said, “The ones where ovens have been spontaneously igniting?” Masa dig into his basket and said, “I don’t have the time for this…” He then pull out two fish and gave them to Netto saying, “Here you go a source of calcium. See you around!” Netto then yelled, “Hey Masa-san!” But Masa was gone and Netto just smiled.

It then cut to a house and then cut to a table with a partly eaten fish on it and you can hear a female voice said, “It’s so scary. There were over ten fires this week alone.” It zoom out to show Netto and a woman, who was wearing a blue shirt with a white strip in the middle and a green skirt and was Netto’s mom, sitting down on a table and Netto said, “They say it’s a computer virus… Is our oven alright?” Netto’s mom then said, “I had it checked yesterday by a mechanic… He said there’s nothing to worry about.” Netto said, “What a relief. Seconds please!” Netto’s mom said, “Alright. Oh by the way, there’s a letter from Dad addressed to you… It’s on the top counter.” Netto said, “A letter? Not an email?” Netto’s mom then said, “It’s all the way from Borneo.” It cut to the top counter with the letter and it also had a picture of Netto, Netto’s mom, and a man with the same symbol that was on Netto headband on his gray shirt. Netto said, “Where’s that?” He then took the letter and said, “What and easy life, traveling around the world leaving his family behind.” Netto’s mom the said, “Yuiichiro-san is a renowned explorer, and before… And before that he was a…” Both said at the same time, “Renowned scientist.” Netto said with a not caring look, “I’ve heard that so many times.” He then opens the letter and looked shocked as he pulled out a small disk. Netto smiled and his mom sat back down and said, “What are you doing? Your dinner’s getting cold.” Netto said to himself, “What’s this? Could it be…?” Netto was now in a different room putting the disk in some device. Netto then said to himself while typing, “If Papa remembered his promise… Then this is my…” He type in some more stuff and then took his PET out the device the disk was in and said, “Installation complete. Alright!” He then turns on his pet to see it shut down. He said, “That’s strange, I’ve finished installing but… Huh? Nothing’s happening!” The screen the turn on and show that faceless guy saying, “Memo, Diary and Mail upgrades complete. Your Personal Terminal Operating System has been replaced with a new one. Now initializing finalization. Finalization will be complete in 30 minutes.” Netto then said, “Is that it?” The faceless guy said, “That’s it.” Netto then put his head down on the desk and said, “Bummer!” He put his pet down and went to his bed face down. He said, “I was expecting an original Navi program. Papa, you jerk!”

It cut to the picture a told about earlier but focus on the men and Netto’s mom was saying, “Netto was looking forward to it. Only Netto gets a present huh? Yuiichiro-san, please come home soon.”

It then cut to Netto sleeping. The PET then made a sound and the faceless guy said, “The utility program had been activated. Hard disk customization commencing…” The faceless guy begins to change. As a bunch of thing begin to show up the faceless begin to show changes.

The next day Netto was still asleep and a voice said, “Netto… Netto… Netto!” Netto begin to turn and the voice yelled, “Just wake up already Netto.” Netto then fell out of his bed and woke up. Netto then said, “What, who’s making all of that noise?” The voice then said, “It is me.” Netto look around and the voice said, “Inside the PET you dumbass.” Netto then said, “In the PET.” He then saw a guy in a blue robe with a blacken face and yellow eyes. He had the symbol that was on Netto headband on his chest. He was also wearing a brown hat. He said, “Good morning, lazy head.” Netto then look at the person and said, “Who are you?” The person said, “My name is Black Mage.” “Black Mage?” “Your Dad made me. I am your Original Navi!” “My Original Navi?” “Stop repeating the last words I say or else!” Netto just sat there and Black Mage said, “Netto? What the hell are you doing?” Netto then said, “It was promise that once I reached the fifth grade, he would make me an Original Navi but…” “But?” “It not what I imagined… I wanted something bigger and more powerful looking. What a disappointment.” “Oh” Then Black Mage saw what seem to be some high heat waves and said, “Wait a minute, did you just call me weak?” They then heard Netto’s mom scream.

Netto then got out of his room and said, “Mama!” Netto then walked up his mom and said again, “Mama!” Netto’s mom the said, “Netto, the oven suddenly caught fire!” Netto then got the fire extinguisher and put it out but then the fire start back up. He then said, “The fire won’t die! The computer must be busted!” Black Mage (Netto’s PET was in his pocket) said, “Netto, put me in the oven and I will see how I could make this fire bigger….I mean but it out. Quickly!” Netto then used the fire extinguisher then ran up to the plug saying, “Go! Black Mage!” And the plug connected.

It cut to the inside of the computer in which Black Mage saw a bunch of fire virus and some imps things. Netto said, “Is it a computer virus?” Black Mage then said, “They are all over the place. I could use these virus and then make a lot more and use them to take over the world but they hit me so now I fighting back and deleting.” He had one hand on his arm and the arm hand was firing a lot of small blue blast. He the shoot two random fire virus and then a bunch of imps came and Black Mage jumped and the aim and said, “Hadoken!” In which he shoot a bunch of blast killing all of the imps. After all of the virus was gone he saw a fire and in it as a shadow figure of what seem like a six arm half human half snake person. It then disappeared along with the fire. Black Mage said, “It too bad I made the fire went out.”

It cut back to the real world and the fire in the oven was out. Netto mom came out of hiding and said, “The fire’s out.” Netto then said, “Plug-out!” He then plug out his pet and said in a happy mood, “Awesome! That was Awesome, Black Mage! You may be small and fat but you’re strong!” Black Mage then said evilly, “If you call me fat again and I will make that fire come back.” Netto then said, “Fine I won’t call you fat again but now I know that with you at my side I can defeat Dekao’s Black Belt. Let’s work together for now on, Black Mage.” Black Mage said, “Ok and together we will take over the world.” Netto looked shocked and said, “What!?”

[Kirby2000]

Sorry for the double post but it the only way I can up the rest of the episoide

It cut to a school and Netto walking catching up to Dekao who as on a scooter and said, “Hey, Dekao!” Dekao then said, “Hey, what do you want Netto? I thought you would have stayed home after what happened yesterday.” Netto then smiled and said, “I’ll be waiting for you after school a rematch against your Black Belt!” Dekao then laugh and said, “You gotta be kidding me!” “This time it’s your turn to stay home in bed.” Netto then walked ahead. Black Mage then asked Netto, “So we are going to delete this guy name Black Belt?” Netto then said, “No just defeat him because deleting someone Navi would be wrong.” “But we can’t let anyone stand in the way of ruling the Net and the world.” “Don’t be so evil Black Mage.”

They was now in room 5-A. The teacher who name was Mariko Ozono was wearing a green dress and the top part of it was purple said, “So this is the virus that has been infecting…” Dekao was using his PET giving a hand sign to Black Belt and Black Belt went off thought the computer and on the screen it said sending mail. Black Belt was in an area and then he saw White Mage. When Black Belt walked up to her she smiled and said, “Hey Black Belt, it been awhile.” Black Belt said, “It is a good thing I didn’t get lost again. Dekao wants to know if Meiru would go out with him.” White Mage then said, “Sorry but Meiru-chan has a piano lesson today.” “So guess that me no.” “Yes it does Black Belt.” Black Belt then think for a moment and said in an exciting mood, “What about you and me go on a date?!” He then came closer to White Mage about to hug her and said, “I love you White Mage, so let’s go on a date. We can watch a video of me using my nunchaku.” When he hugs her White Mage got mad and said, “Stop hugging me. Holy Hammer!” She pulls out her blue hammer and hit Black Belt on the top of his head knocking him out. White Mage calm down a little and said, “It a good thing I don’t have to use my hammer full power.”

Back in the real world Dekao got out of his chair and yelled knowing that he got rejected while Meiru giggled. Mariko then said, “Dekao-kun, class is still in session… If you’re going to ask someone out on a date, then leave it till after school. Well then everyone, back to the books we go. Netto was talking to Black Mage in whisper and said, “What? A Net Navi?” Black Mage then said, “I couldn’t see her too well but I sure see cause the fire. My plan is to find the owner and make him or her work for us and burn this city and other to the ground.” Netto then said, “Forgetting that last part you are say that the Net Navi’s operator is the arsonist behind all of the oven fires?” “Yes that what I just said idiot.”

Meanwhile in a strange place you can see a screen with a men on it talk to some old dude. The men on the screen had red hair, a red goatee, a black shirt with purple sleeves, and the shirt had a circle with a fire symbol on it and his name was Kenichi Hino. He said, “Thanks to him, the virus was wiped out.” The screen show a reflection on the old men to show that he was bald with all his white hair on the side and back of his head and was wearing a black shirt with purple on the inside, his name won’t be given right now. He said, “So it’s those Net Battlers that have been trying to stop our organization?” Kenichi Hino said, “No, this time it was someone I haven’t seen before.” “If and when he appears again…make sure you delete him.” “Yes sir.”

Back at the school Netto and Dekao was in a room and Netto said, “Let’s go Dekao. Plug-in! Black Mage!” Dekao then said, “Plug-in Black Belt. Transmission!” It went to the computer world and now Black Belt and Black Mage was face to face. Dekao then grin and said, “Are you serious, Netto? That blue thing with a blacken face is your new Navi?” Netto then smiled and said, “That right this is Black Mage.” “You think you can be my Black Belt with that thing.” “Just shut up and get started.” “Fine, crush this guy, Black Belt!” “Go! Black Mage!”

In the computer the words batter start appeared and Black Belt said, “I will defeat you.” Black Mage then said, “You will lose to the power of evil.”

Meanwhile at a house with a pink roof Meiru was playing her piano. It then cut to the kitchen in which you can see her oven sparking.

Back to the battle Black Mage is avoiding Black Belt punches till Black Mage was cornered and then Dekao said, “Battle chip attack mode: Mega Nunchaku! Slot-in!” He put the chip in the PET and Black Belt nunchakus grow bigger. Dekao then said, “I got you now.” Black Belt uses his nunchaku but he felt it stop and saw Black Mage holding it with one hand. Dekao was shocked and said, “What?!” Netto then said, “Well done Black Mage. Go for it.” Black Mage then push the nunchaku back in which pushed Black Belt back. Black Mage then begins to throw some punches of his own at a fast pace and finished it with a kick knock Black Belt back. Dekao then said, “What wrong Black Belt? How could you be losing to someone so weak looking?” Netto then said, “Now it’s my turn! Battle chip attack mode:...” Before Netto could finish the heard a help sound. All the sudden White Mage appeared and came to Black Mage saying, “It’s Meiru-chan, Meiru-chan.” Black Mage was thinking in his mind, “Who is that hot girl? She looks so beautiful. Maybe she came because she saw how strong and manly I am being.” White Mage then said, “Oh I forgot to tell you my name it White Mage but we don’t have time to talk look at this.” She then made a screen showing Meiru coughing from smoke. Black Mage in a very bad trying to act cool voice said, “Cool a girl that about to die from a fire. Oh and my name is Black Mage. Maybe after we see this girl die we could maybe go see a movie or may just skip right of the making out and sex.” White Mage looked very mad and pulled out her hammer and whack Black Mage on the side sending him flying and saying, “How dare you take about Meiru-chan like that she is my owner.” Black Mage then land and the ground hurt.

It cut back the real world with Netto and Dekao looking at the screen and Dekao said, “My Meiru-chan!” Netto look worried and said, “She in trouble. Black Mage, quickly get to her house via the NET.” Black Mage was still on the ground in the computer world and said, “Can’t move let just send Black Belt and maybe with luck he will get deleted.” White Mage then said, “I guess I have to heal him if I want him to save Meiru-chan.” She then healed Black Mage and before Black Mage could say anything the both went off. Dekao then said, “You too Black Belt.” Black Belt then went off too.

Netto skated fast to Meiru house with Dekao behind him on his scooter. Meanwhile at Meiru house the smoke was getting thicker and Meiru seem to not be able to last must longer. At the time Black Mage, White Mage, and Black Belt was in the oven computer. Black Mage said, “Look at all this fire. It time to destroy.”

In a different place Kenichi Hino was sitting in a chair and was watch a screen and saw Black Mage shooting and said, “Him again? Kary go ahead and delete this Navi.” A female voice and, “Got it.” In the computer Black Mage just deleted the last virus and said to White Mage, “That the last one.” White Mage then said, “It weird that there was so little virus.” All the sudden a big fire ball came and Black Mage grabbed White Mage and moved out of the way. Black Mage then said, “Who are you and why didn’t you target Black Belt?” The same figure Black Mage saw earlier today was their and when the fire cleared it showed a woman who look half snake half human with orange skin and yellow. She had a light pink tail and wearing a small pink shirt and had the fire symbol as the guy with red hair and her name was Kary.

By that time Netto made it to the house and was had Meiru arm over on him and was trying to get her out of the house. Netto said, “Meiru-chan, hung in there! Meiru-chan!” Meiru had uncovered her mouth that she had covered and said, “Netto…?” Dekao finally made it to the house. He was tried and said, “Meiru-chan!” Netto then came out of the house with Meiru and ran up to her saying, “Meiru-chan!” Netto then gave Meiru to Dekao and he then hear his PET beep. Netto took his PET out and look at the screen as saw Black Mage trying block the fire Navi attacks and soon he got knocked back and Netto said in a worried tone, “Black Mage! Damn. I need to give Black Mage a battle chip or else… Dekao, take care of Meiru-chan!” Netto then went in the house and Dekao yelled, “Netto!”

In the computer world Kary was shoot fire spells at Black Mage and Black Belt in which one hit them and knocked them on the ground. Black Belt then got up and was now mad and charge at Kary. Black Mage said, “I hope he gets deleted.” Kary then blast a big fire wave that hit Black Belt in which cause him to logout. Dekao then saw the Black Belt logout and said, “Black Belt!” Inside the house Netto made it in the house with a white thing over his mouth and plug in his PET.

In the computer world Black Mage hat glowed and he heard Netto said, “Sorry to keep you waiting, Black Mage.” Black Mage said, “What the hell took you so long?” Netto ignored him and pulled out a chip saying, “Let’s go! Battle chip attack mode: Shotgun! Slot-in!” He put the chip in his PET. Black Mage was different from other Navi. Instead of one of his arms changing he held his arm out and said, “Shotgundoken!” In which a yellow beam shot out and hit Kary. Netto then pulled up another chip with a picture of a sword and said, “Battle chip attack mode: Sword! Slot-in!” He then put the chip in the PET but instead of his had changing into a sword a dagger was in his hand. Black Mage then ran to Kary and stabbed 3 off her arm so hard that they disappeared and Black Mage turns. (If you can see his face he was grinning evilly) Kenichi Hino said, “Log out, Kary!” Kary then log out. White Mage then ran up to him and hugs him saying, “Black Mage” In Black Mage mind he said, “White Mage is hugging me. Now to use my cool charm and ask her out.” Black Mage then said in the same bad voice he uses earlier, “I guess you like me now maybe we should go out.” White Mage broke the hug and pulled out her hammer and said angrily, “I just hug you because I was over exciting and you were the closes person. I didn’t forget that you try to just let Meiru-chan die. I bet you didn’t even defeat Kary to stop the fire.” Black Mage ran with White Mage chasing him saying, “Ok so I was mad at her for just logging Black Belt out and not deleting him.”

In the real world the fire was gone. Later outside the ambulance was going off with Meiru and Dekao was crying. Netto then said, “Thank goodness, Meiru-chan is alright. Black Mage, you really are a great Navi.” Black Mage, who look hurt, said, “It was all thanks to you good skill. With your skill and my evilness we can take over the Net and the world.” Netto then said, “I not going to take over the Net and the world, but will you lend me your power for now on?” “I guess since you are the only way I and use chips I will do it.” “Oh by the way can you do today’s homework for me?” “Hell no, get someone else to do it I got plotting to do.” “Didn’t you say you lend me your power?” “I mean for battle idiot.” “Why are you so mean?” “If you haven’t notice I am an evil Navi.” Dekao was crying, “Black Belt!”

That the end of the first episode bye and maybe post a comment about how you like or hate it.

[Meister]

Good lord.

I quit reading after ten paragraphs or so. This sounds like a child with a short attention span describing the totally awesome movie he saw. "And then the man with the green sword walks to the man with the red sword, and then the man with the red sword and the man with the green sword fight, and then the man with the green sword makes a backflip. And then you see the girl, and she says "be careful." And then and then and then it then switches it then switches it then switches." Alternatively, it sounds like you're describing what you'd like to write, instead of actually writing it, or - last option - like you're trying to write a movie script in prose. It seems you're imagining the whole thing as a cartoon or live-action rather than a piece of writing.

Describing everyone as "the guy with the brown shirt and the mohawk haircut", repeating the description every time you mention the character and describing everything as "the red thing" or "the yellow thing" isn't helping. Your descriptions are too detailed where they shouldn't be and too unclear where a reader would like to know more.

So, not to dance around it, it's pretty terrible and I would like you to stop. I'd give detailed advice on how to improve your writing, but honestly the best advice I can give is probably: read more. Simply to get an idea of how a text that tells a story is actually built. I mean actual books, too, not other fanfic or stuff on the internet.

[Kirby2000]

Originally Posted by Meister

Good lord.

I quit reading after ten paragraphs or so. This sounds like a child with a short attention span describing the totally awesome movie he saw. "And then the man with the green sword walks to the man with the red sword, and then the man with the red sword and the man with the green sword fight, and then the man with the green sword makes a backflip. And then you see the girl, and she says "be careful." And then and then and then it then switches it then switches it then switches." Alternatively, it sounds like you're describing what you'd like to write, instead of actually writing it, or - last option - like you're trying to write a movie script in prose. It seems you're imagining the whole thing as a cartoon or live-action rather than a piece of writing.

Describing everyone as "the guy with the brown shirt and the mohawk haircut", repeating the description every time you mention the character and describing everything as "the red thing" or "the yellow thing" isn't helping. Your descriptions are too detailed where they shouldn't be and too unclear where a reader would like to know more.

So, not to dance around it, it's pretty terrible and I would like you to stop. I'd give detailed advice on how to improve your writing, but honestly the best advice I can give is probably: read more. Simply to get an idea of how a text that tells a story is actually built. I mean actual books, too, not other fanfic or stuff on the internet.

Oh the only reason I was describing so much at the beginning was because their names haven't been told yet. I say stop describing the person who talking after their name had been said.

[Kim]

I haven't read it yet, but why not just have their name at the beginning, and describe shortly after. Something like, "Dan, the black haired man in the red shirt, stood up and said something." And just because you don't have to describe the characters anymore doesn't mean you should stop describing things. For example, a section chosen at random...

In the computer world the fire Navi was shoot fire spells at Black Mage and Black Belt. Black Belt got mad and charge at the fire Navi. Black Mage said, “I hope he gets deleted.” The fire Navi then blast a big fire wave that hit Black Belt in which cause him to logout. Dekao then saw the Black Belt logout and said, “Black Belt!” Inside the house Netto made it in the house with a white thing over his mouth and plug in his PET.

The sentences lack any sort of description and are just not tasty to my palate. What I've seen feels schizophrenic and without direction. Read some books, work on describing people, events, and places, and then try again.

I don't want to be too hard on you. I have to assume you're in middle school or something, and I can't really say my writing was any better when I was that age.

[Fenris]

Originally Posted by Kirby2000

Will

Well

Originally Posted by Kirby2000

here is the first episode of BlackMage.exe.

I do not own Rockman/Megaman nor do I own 8-bit theater.

Well, obviously.

Originally Posted by Kirby2000

BlackMage.exe

We've established this.

Originally Posted by The beginnings of 90% of the paragraphs

It all start

It then switch

It then switches

It then switch

It switch back

It then switch

It then switch

It switch to

It the switch

It cut to

Masa then said

They then

It then cut

It cut to

It then cut to

Netto then

It cut

It cut

It cut

They was now in

Meanwhile in a strange place you can see a screen

In the computer the words batter start appeared

Back to the battle Black Mage

It cut back the real world

Netto skated fast to Meiru house

In a different place

By that time Netto made it to the house and was had

In the computer world

In the computer world

In the real world

That's about as far as I could read. I'm not even going to bother going through every little thing wrong with this but here are some highlights:

1) It sucks.
2) No seriously, it's awful.
3) Take an English class.
4) Start your paragraphs with some variety and proper grammar, please. If you're going to attach your name to something, please make sure it's something you're proud of.
5) Quotations belong in their own paragraph, you do not put multiple quotes in a paragraph.
6) Did I mention that it's terrible?
7) This whole thing should go in this thread.

[Kirby2000]

Originally Posted by FenrisWolf

7) This whole thing should go in this thread.

It can't because for one thing I working on more episodes and the other thing is that it a fanfic not a fanskit.

[Mike McC]

I am going to have to echo everything Meister said. That was actually rather painful to read. All the descriptions are rather vague and re really like trying to get a seven year old to tell you about that flashy movie he just saw. Also, the grammar used is really rather poor; you definately need to work on grammatical skills and basic writing skills before you go any further. Let's examine the first paragraph.

It all start in a place filled with computer chips and then you can see a guy named Black Belt who was wearing a blue karate suit with a blue head band to match and a black belt. He also has a green plus sign on a circle on his chest and he also has brown-yellow hair. He was using his nunchaku like a hammer by hitting it on the ground and causing a shockwave. The shockwave was aim at someone else.

I was going to highlight all the errors, but then I realized that there were so many, it would just be much quicker to show you how that paragraph should have been written.

It all started in a peculiar landscape, filled with features and monoliths that were greatly reminiscient of computer chips. Admidst the strange features was a man with dirty-blonde hair named Black Belt. He was wearing a light blue Karate gi, matched with a light blue headband, and had a black belt tied around his waist. On his chest was emblazoned a green plus sign contained within a circle. Slamming his nunchaku on the ground like a great hammer, he was generating great shockwaves, and directing them towards an indistinct figure sharing this alien landscape.

That's just a quick and dirty fix/jazz up, not even spellchecked, but hopefully you see the improvement, and understand more what to aim for.

[Fenris]

Originally Posted by Kirby2000

It can't because for one thing I working on more episodes and the other thing is that it a fanfic not a fanskit.

No but seriously you can put it in there so I can handily continue ignoring that thread.

[Meister]