The Guys' Rules

[Tommathy]

Shiney's rules are more widely applicable.

Oh, and Rule 24: If you give a straight man enough beers, you can totally get him to fool around with your gay best friend.

[Truce]

25: "I love you" does not mean anything more than that. It is a statement of how we feel, and simply that.

Unless, we're total jackasses and then we're saying it because we just wanna get you in bed...but how many jackasses can there be?

[P-Sleazy]

hehe...these are pretty good...and fairly true. But remember theres exceptions to every rule. BTW, heres a bit of a longer list.

26. Birthdays, Valentines' Day and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

26. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

27. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is too

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take "the quiz" from Cosmo together.

30. If you don't like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

32. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and its not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

33. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

34. Anyone can buy condoms.

35. We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.

36. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

37. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you

38. We never shave our legs. Get over it.

39. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.

40. We may not be able to pee acurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.

41. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship

42. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

43. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

44. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

45. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

46. Lie

47. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need it. People will think you have no penis.

48. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible

49. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

50. Deny everything. Everything

51. Don't have a clue

52. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

53. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass

54. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

55. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

56. You are male, therefore you are superior

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

58. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

59. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking *spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

60. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. (LOL)

61. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

62. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

63. One word: FOOTBALL!

64. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.....and maybe....oh nevermind.

65. "I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

66. "We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

67. "That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"

68. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."

69. "Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

70. "You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

71. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

72. "I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

73. But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

74. "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

75. "I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

76. "I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

77. "We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

78. "I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

[ZERO.]

"31. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at."

thats my favorite :p

[P-Sleazy]

I missed this one while i was searching through

79. "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

[Lockeownzj00]

Am I the only one who dislikes these lists? Not eevn for a PC reason. I think it's exactly the same as the "nice guys finish last" thread. I think they're horrible rationalisations and attempt to comfort the man's psyche and only furthering the gender gap.

I mean I alwyas hated those standup comedians that use the "eat sleep drink fuck" routine. Really? Okay, you pride yourself on being a mongoloid. I'm not saying I'm brilliant: I love visceral pleasures. I also like other things. These lists always made me laugh but never represented an ounce of reality to me. Like I said, like the "nice guys finish last" thread, I think they are only an illusion that seem to be like reality.

[MasterOfMagic]

I wasn't amused by them very much either. But for a different reason. See, its a joke. And it doesn't apply to me much. So, I don't get a good laugh out of it.

But being like the "nice guys finish last" thread? Its a joke. As opposed to someone being serious when they rant about not getting tail cause they're so "nice". No comparison as far as I'm concerned.

Rationalisations? Attempt at comfort? More like satire.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Ya see, that's why it's called a joke. It's meant to make people open their mouths and exhale air in short intervals and produce sound and happiness, also called "laughing". It's meant to be funny, not a commentary on life.

Please loosen up, people.

[Gorefiend]

Yeah. It's for fun. I too don't see any way anyone could take these too seriously. Especially the latter ones, as 1-23 are mostly stereotypical exagerrations or truths. Actually, they are all stereotypical exagerrations, just that the latter ones are a bit more stereotypical. Or something...

And, would it be too much of a bother for someone to link to the women's rules that got posted up?

But, anyways, my favorite has gotta be:

6. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

This is one that I actually think applies to real life.

[P-Sleazy]

I find that most of these are more or less extreme exaggerations of the truth or complete stereotypes based on TV. The one that I find to apply most to guys is the one Gorefiend has mentioned. I NEVER catch onto those damned hints...EVER!

I showed this list to my friend and she threw the list back at me in my face a few hours later after she ate dinner. She said she felt fat and stuff, and I told he that she isnt fat, and she was all like "Well thats just one of the rules to being a guy, I am fat!" I was just kinda like youre not fat and i know cause i just saw your ID which you took not a week ago. (she recently moved far away) I've seen you but it was useless.

btw...this is in "Off Topic" for a reason.