8-Bit Theater Fanfic: The Citadel of Trials

[AscendedPikachuZero]

Sarda: The Orbs of Fire and Earth are but a start. But the two remaining Fiends hold even greater power than you anticipated.
Black Mage: Just cut the crap and get to the point already!
Sarda: In order to stand against them, you must gain even more power. There is but one being who can grant you that; the Dragon King Bahamut.
Fighter: Yay! When do we meet him?
Sarda: It's not that simple, I'm afraid. He only grants his powers to those who prove their courage. You must retrieve a token of courage from within the Citadel of Trials. In times of old, the Dragons used that citadel as a proving grounds for the mightiest of warriors. It still stands today.
Thief: (A citadel... I bet they have a lot of goodies fresh for the taking.) So when do we go?
Sarda: Right away. Good luck. Oh, and Red Mage?
Red Mage: Yes?
Sarda: Take this.

Sarda gives Red Mage a piece of paper. It reads "I owe you EXP." The ultra-fine print below that reads "Just kidding".

Red Mage: I'll be back to collect after I meet Bahamut.
Sarda: I'm sure you will. *teleports them off*


The team arrives at a very old castle after a few days of hiking.

Black Mage: Sarda, you moron! I had to walk for THREE DAYS with NO SPELLS because of you! I hope you're happy.
Fighter: Hey, it's the Citadel of Trials thingy.
Thief: And how do you know that?
Fighter: That sign says so.

Fighter points to a sign that says "Ye Olde Citadel of Trials". The castle appears very old, and some of the bricks have fallen out of place. The grasslands surrounding the citadel are marred only by a gaudy shack situated at the outside of the citadel's entrance and a small group of stone chunks.

Red Mage: So this is the place. Say...

Red Mage picks up a chunk of cement and looks it over.

Red Mage: This piece of concrete looks like a face.
Thief: Someone must have a sick taste in art. And what's with that gaudy shack?
Red Mage: I'm sure we'll get all our answers inside.

Naturally, the Light Warriors enter the shack first to see an old man with a staff waiting inside.

Old Man: Greetings. Not many people come to challenge the Citadel these days. How may I help you?
Black Mage: Four tickets, please. We're here to try it.
Old Man: You don't need to pay me anything; I'm doing this as charity work. Anyway, I reckon you take a gander at that sheet before you go in.
Red Mage: Hmm...

"The Citadel of Trials

Inside this citadel you will be tried both physically and mentally. You will be faced with a powerful opponent you must defeat using only what you have. If you cannot face up to the challenge, leave now. If you attempt the challenge and fail to live up to it, you will die. But if you survive, you will be allowed to walk away with a symbol of your courage, with which to present to Lord Bahamut, who rewards the truly brave accordingly. Inner cowards beware and be forwarned! --Sage Ramuh"

Black Mage: Heh. Throw me in already! I'll wipe out anyone you can send at me!
Fighter: I'm up to it!
Red Mage: An EXP pump and a symbol of courage... I love this!
Thief: Actually, I think I'll take that symbol now. According to Elven Charter III, chapter nine, subsection-
Ramuh: BREAK!

Before Thief could finish his explanation, he was immediately petrified where he stood. The other three Light Warriors just stare, their jaws agape.

Ramuh: Those damn elves never learn... Stona!

Thief is restored, much to everyone's relief. He shakes his head out and looks at Ramuh.

Thief: WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!
Ramuh: You're from Elfheim. As soon as you mentioned the charter, I knew. Read the ultra-fine print on my sign. Now.

The sign's ultra-fine print read "I get too many people from Elfheim these days. They write in ultra-fine print expecting the stupid to fall for a scam. I won't make that mistake. Anyone who even mentions the Elven Charter on Citadel territory will be petrified without question. The first time is a warning shot; the second time will result in them being shattered by my staff. Using the law to get what you want is the easy way out; those who pass through this Citadel know to do it the right way. In plain English, the Elven Charters do not apply here for any reason. Don't bother bringing them up if you value your life."

Thief: What?! You won't accept the Elven Charter?! I dem- *gripped by Red Mage*
Red Mage: Believe me, it's not worth it.
Ramuh: Your crimson-garbed friend speaks the truth. That rubble outside is from an Elven visitor who sought to use the law for a cheap exit. I left it there as a grim reminder that the old ways shall be honored without fail.
Black Mage: (He has GOT to teach me how to do that.)
Thief: (Stupid old man... the night after I leave this hellhole, I'm paying him a visit. See how he likes it without his staff.)
Ramuh: I heard that! *canes Thief*
Thief: OW! (And he's a mind-reader, too. This is going to be a terrible day.)
Ramuh: You may enter whenever you're ready.
Black Mage: (I'm gonna learn how to petrify people and blow 'em apart! I'm going to enjoy this!)
Fighter: (I bet he knows a lot about swords, too! He's so cool!)
Red Mage: (EXP bounty, here I come!)
Thief: (That's it. I'm suing him as soon as I'm out of his range.)

The group walks outside shortly thereafter. Ramuh has managed to suppress himself until Thief is out of earshot.

Ramuh: Thundaga! Quake!

Elsewhere, an earthquake rips down a law-dojo and a massive lightning bolt blows several law-ninjas away.

Law-ninja: I CAN SEE THE REMAINS OF MY LAW-DOJO FROM HERE!!!!!!!

Back at Ramuh's shack, the sage puts his staff away.

Ramuh: You may come out now.
White Mage: Was that act of violence really necessary?
Ramuh: Elves never learn the first time. He's quick to catch on only because of his companions. While they're busy, pay Bahamut my regards.
White Mage: But Master Ramuh-

Ramuh passes a rat's tail off to White Mage.

Ramuh: You have traveled with these four, I'm sure. I saw it deep within your thoughts. Fighter is the person you relate to the most; despite his lack of intelligence, he's willing to give himself to the greater good. Thief is a coward and a, well, thief on top of that. He needs to be taught respect the hard way, and the fact that he's an elf makes it harder. Black Mage is earnest in his search for power, but the means he seeks to employ them towards are quite vile. I can see why you don't get along with him as well. And Red Mage thinks this is all some game. Imagine the surprise on his face when he realizes there is no reset button for this. Having to endure the four of them for as long as you have, especially with your crippling healer's oath, is just as punishing as anything you can face in this Citadel.
White Mage: When is my challenge?

[Klyco]

I give it 5 hadokens. (thats good)

[Stichez]

:rmage: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
as red mage would say
:bmage: Shut UP!!!!!!!and stop that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dr.GoldenClaw]

:x Burk. I wonder how many people feel that you don't need to have fighter say something about swords to make an imitation more authentic.

Not dissing on this fanfic, mind ye. Some of it almost made me laugh. Which goes the same for the normal comic.

And by the way. Black Mage already knows how to petrify people. After all. He did it to kill Black Belt #2. You know. When Black Belt gets so lost in the straight hallway that he bends the universe and creates two of himself. Black Mage took the statue outside and shattered it.

Ring a bell?

[AscendedPikachuZero]

---ADDED 05/24 10:29---

Black Mage: (Gee, I'm gonna love it when- wait a minute, I can petrify people already! So much for that. Oh well, as long as I get to kill Fighter in the end.)

The Light Warriors reach the interior of the citadel, next to a pool of water.

Fighter: Guys, I'm thirsty!
Thief: We had a drink of water before that old coot decided to turn me into a garden ornament!
Red Mage: No, we didn't. Our canteen went dry the first day, during our trip through the desert.
Thief: *mutters elven curses*

Black Mage was already drinking from the water while the others were busy with each other.

Thief: Black Mage, get away from the water.
Fighter: But I want a drink!
Thief: No, you don't. El-
Red Mage: You wanna get stoned again, Thief?
Thief: ...
Black Mage: ... ... ...I FEEL LIKE A NEW MAGE! This stuff is delicious!
Fighter: Gee, that water must be really good! *runs up and drinks from it* Gee, Black Mage, you're right!
Red Mage: Hmm... Thief, give me the canteen.
Thief: *hands Red Mage the canteen*

Red Mage takes a drink from the water for himself and then dips the canteen in to take on as much as he could.

Fighter: Hey, what's this glowing tile thingy? I never noticed it before.

Fighter steps up to the tile and stands on it.

Black Mage: It's just a stupid tile. Nothi-

Before Black Mage could finish, Fighter was teleported away.

Ramuh: (I'm glad you all had a drink. Fighter is taking his trial. Step upon the glowing tile to be taken to yours.)
Black Mage: Homicide, here I come! *steps upon the tile and teleports away*
Red Mage: Thief, we better get going. The others are waiting for us. *follows Black Mage's lead and teleports away*
Thief: ...I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU! You can burn in hell, you stupid geezer!
Ramuh: (Maybe so, but not before you, poor elf.)

Thief was knocked back by a mysterious force and onto the tile, causing him to be teleported away.


:fighter:

Fighter is teleported into a room occupied only by a man made of metal - a golem.

Fighter: Where am I?
Ramuh: (You are inside an arena inside the Citadel. If you seek to leave alive, you must defeat your opponent. But be warned; no amount of strength can save you.)
Fighter: Then maybe the power of swords can! ...Huh?

Fighter feels his swords being pulled away from him. He holds on tight, and winds up flying right into the golem's body. As much as he tried to pull, the swords just wouldn't come off. The golem shakes its body to dislodge Fighter, then kicks him away.

Fighter: Aww! And those are my best swords! Now how will I fight?


:thief: :rmage:

Thief: Oww... stupid fogey. If he had simply adhered to-
Red Mage: You're alright. Finish that sentence and that will change quite quickly.
Thief: The stupid old man has us right where he wants us. Still, let's kill who he wants us to kill and be on our way.
????: Well, don't YOU look familiar.

An altar is standing in the middle of the arena, and what appears to be White Mage is standing atop it.

Thief: We have to kill White Mage? ...Her loss.
Red Mage: Sorry, White Mage, but this has to be done.
White Mage: You boys are so cute. How about you come here and help me get out of this robe?
Thief: Sure, we'll do that. (And then I'll plant a knife in your back.

As Thief and Red Mage approached, Red Mage saw a pair of swords at White Mage's feet. As they got closer, she picked them up.

White Mage?: Come closer. I want to bare my soul with you.
Thief: I must be a lucky elf for White Mage to offer me what Black Mage can't possibly get.
Red Mage: I wouldn't be so sure...

Thief reached for the robe, only for White Mage to try to cut his head off with both swords. Red Mage tackled him to save his life, and the robe was pulled off only to reveal...

Kary: DARN! I was so close! Oh well, I'll just have to puree you boys the old-fashioned way.
Thief: Red Mage, you lunatic! What'd you do that for?
Red Mage: That isn't White Mage, damnit! White Mage wields a hammer, not swords!
Thief: There isn't a woman I know that wields swords! Unless... *sees Kary* ...YOU DIED! From White Mage's hammer inside my Bag of Holding!
Kary: I've been given a second chance by Chaos to kill you two infidels! If I get at least the both of you, Kraken and Tiamat will be begging for mercy as I become the ruler of the Fiends!
Red Mage: Thief, I know just how to kill her.

Red Mage pulls out his hypercube. Kary slashes it into pieces with her swords.

Kary: Anh, anh, anh. Can't kill me the same way twice.
Red Mage: DAMN YOU! I HAD TO GIVE AWAY HALF MY EXP FOR THAT!
Thief: Whatever. We killed you once, we can sure as hell kill you again!
Red Mage: *pulls out stat sheet* Now, let's see... what skills should I have to overcome-

Kary then spontaneously combusts Red Mage's stat sheet.

Kary: Whatever that scroll of power it, I won't let you read it! Now come here and die like good boys!
Red Mage: MY STAT SHEET! NOOOOOOO---!


:bmage:

Black Mage: The other three morons are nowhere to be found and there's no White Mage to pulverize me for wanton bloodshed. Marvelous. Bring out my opponent, Ramuh!
Ramuh: (Can't wait, can you? Very well. But your magic will not save you from him. Your knife is also impotent. Try to defeat him without violence.)

Out of the shadows of the arena comes the Onion Boy. Black Mage smirks with glee, but something is different about him...

Black Mage: And I thought I was in real trouble. Oh well, nothing a knife to the head can't cure.

Black Mage rushes over and tries to plant his knife between Onion Boy's eyes. One should see the look on his face when Onion Boy grasps the knife with one hand. The same happens when Black Mage uses his other knife.

Black Mage: What the...?

Onion Boy simply throws Black Mage away with very little effort. Black Mage shrugs and stands up.

Black Mage: So knives won't work, huh? If only I had my magic...

Black Mage reels his hands back as if preparing a Hadoken.

Black Mage: I just wish I could blow you into oblivion, save me all this trouble.

Before Black Mage could ponder the thought, he could feel a familiar tingling in his fingertips.

Black Mage: ...? Oh yeah! Thanks, old man!

Black Mage then launches a Hadoken at his opponent, the arena filled with the smoke from the atomic explosion - and Onion Boy didn't even step out of the way. Black Mage smirked, believing his job was done. When the smoke cleared, however, Onion Boy was still standing there with nary a scratch, although the arena was blown to hell.

Black Mage: !!! IMPOSSIBLE! NOTHING'S EVER SURVIVED A HADOKEN! Seems I'm going to have to get REAL creative. At least this day can't get any worse...

As if on cue, Onion Boy whips out a pair of Onion Swords and charges at Black Mage.

Black Mage: Aw, HELL no...

(To Be Continued...?)

[Mashirosen]

Moving to Arts and Crafts.

[RedScar]

Top notch quality work. This is funny. I can think of how the others will win, but Black Mage is a lot of trouble.

Keep it up.

[AscendedPikachuZero]

:fighter:

Fighter: OK, Fighter, you don't have your swords, the swell old man said no amount of strength can save you, and you have to kill a big hunk of metal. What did Vargas say about this?

*Begin Flashback*

Fighter: Hey, Master?
Vargas: Yes, Fighter? Could you make this an important question?
Fighter: Have you ever fought a creature that swords stick to?
Vargas: None of my techniques have any flaws if applied properly, and only slimes are sticky enough to hold swords like that.
Fighter: I had a nightmare about a big, metal man, and I couldn't get my swords off him.
Vargas: BWAHAHAHAHA! Such a creature can't exist, Fighter!

*End Flashback*

Fighter: Stupid wasted childhood! Stupid teacher not foreseeing this monster! Oh well, I'll just have to improvise.

Fighter attempted all of his attacks against the golem - the Two-Fisted Monkey Style attack, the Lion-Eating Tiger attack, even the Me-Doken; not a single move Fighter throws at it has any effect. The golem kicks him away again, and Fighter lands in a pile of skeletons.

Fighter: Phooey! Nothing works! Wait... no amount of strength can save you? That's it! Maybe I need to hurt this thing without weapons!

Fighter looks over the skeletons, throwing the bones at the Golem. The bones have no effect, of course, but they at least slow it down.

Fighter: Let's see... +2 Sword of Kick-Ass, Polearm of Molestation, Man-Eating Knife... geez, don't these guys have any useful junk?

Fighter takes the sword and keeps it, of course; everything else is still thrown at the Golem, who swings a fist down towards Fighter. He naturally jumps away and continues searching for something useful. As he searches, he finds a gauntlet with a gem encrusted into the back of the hand. He throws it, but it doesn't get very far before it projects a powerful lightning bolt at the golem. Surprisingly enough, the golem roars in pain fron the bolt.

Fighter: Whoa! That last thing I threw must have done something good! *turns around, sees the gauntlet* That thing? I wonder what it does...

Fighter puts it on for a moment and gestures towards the Golem with the gauntlet. He continues doing all sorts of things to see just what it is caused it to harm the Golem.

Fighter: Aw, man! I can't figure this thing out! *looks on the wrist* Hey... 'throw at thine foe'. I get it!

The golem lunges for Fighter again. Fighter jumps over the hand and throws the gauntlet at the golem, and it explodes into a blast of lightning which zaps the golem in several locations.

Fighter: Man, Black Mage is SO gonna love this when he sees it!

Fighter manages to avoid some more damage, throwing the gauntlet at the golem each time to harm it, and then retrieving it before the golem could possibly destroy the thing. AFter a while, Fighter lands the gauntlet on the golem's head, directly channeling the electricity into its body. It groans and collapses, and Fighter's swords fall off its body. He promptly takes all the swords back.

Fighter: COOL! That gauntlet rocks! Black Mage would love it!
Ramuh: (It seems you helped yourself to a magic artifact one of the former attemptees had on him when he died. The Zeus Gauntlet channels electricity when thrown at a monster. I'd recognize that gauntlet anywhere.)
Fighter: I kinda figured that out, old man. May I give it to my friend?
Ramuh: (Keep it, it's yours. Besides, you're better served to wield it than he is. By knowing when your swords will not help you, you become courageous enough to understand when to fight with them and when not to. I'll return you now; your trial is complete.)

Fighter made a brief cheer as Ramuh teleported him back to his shack.

[RedScar]

Yay! Fighter won, not at all how I thought he would. Can wait to see the next two, seeing how Red Mage and Theif are in the same trail.

[Kima Azure]

Thief needs to use his cunning a different way, it seems, and Red Mage must finally grasp reality.

Okay, this is gonna be almost as hard as BM's fight.