Materodon versus Lord Matersaurus: The Mater Also Rises

Betty Elms · 11-11-2011, 01:48 AM

Tow Mater, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Tow-may-ter: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of two steps down the palate to tap, at two, on the teeth. Tow. May. Ter.
He was Tow, plain Tow, in the morning, standing seven feet ten in one tire. He was Mater at work. He was also Mater on the dotted line. But in my arms he was always Tow Mater.

Today I saw Cars 2. This is personally noteworthy as it marks the first time I chose not to see a Pixar movie when it was in theaters, a decision I made with no lack of pain. Tears were shed. Countless apologies were issued to the life-size Brad Bird doll in my closet, crafted from the stitched together skins of my stuffed childhood toys. His LED eyes lit up, and their stare was hard and unforgiving. I could feel his (supposedly accidental) Randian judgment. But at long last I feel redeemed, as Cars 2 is pretty balls.

There are many reasons for this distinct taste of balls, the gags, the story, so on and so forth. Chief amongst these scrotacular Things That Don't Work is the character of Mater, who has been promoted from goofy supporting character who isn't-actually-good-in-any-doses-but-at-least-they're-giving-him-to-us-in-small-ones to the venerable rank of Main Character. (Owen Wilson gets first billing, but that's a formality. There's like five times as much Mater.) One of the big problems with Mater is that he's Larry the Cable Guy, and being Larry the Cable Guy is a rather difficult sort of setback to overcome because fuck Larry the Cable Guy. I suppose I can (and do) take umbrage over the fact that John Lasseter sees somebody whose response to the Abu Ghraib photos was

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larry the Cable Guy

It was hysterical. It was the kind of uplifting thing that we here at home needed to see� It was nice to see. Some friends and I actually went to Denny's and had a �moons over mihammy" in celebration of it.

and goes MAN GET THIS GUY HIS OWN FUCKIN' MOVIE. However, it would be a little unfair to judge the movie for this, given that Mater is ostensibly a separate fictional character. But that's the thing. Mater IS Larry the Cable Guy, he's spouting all sorts of LtCGisms, from a one off "GIT-R-DONE" to making "THAT'S FUNNY RIGHT THUR" into his own catchphrase as well, he's just Larry the fucking Cable Guy with the edges all tucked away so the kids can love him too! And god damn does this movie want you to love Mater. You're tied up and John Lasseter's got one of those gynaecologist's speculums in your mouth, and he's shoving in one slice of Mater dripping with Materjuice after another and he's shouting "DO YOU LOVE HIM YET?" and you're crying and pleading that yes, yes you do love Mater, and Lasseter's like "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! MATER LOVES YOU AND YOU SHOULD LOVE MATER!" and eventually it begins to feel like Mater's some kind of metaphor for "Cars" in general, Lasseter's just screaming "YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M MAKING THIS SHIT A FRANCHISE, TALKING CARS GIVE ME A BIG OL' HARD ON." The Matering never stops.

The emotional character arc of this movie is pretty much: Mater is a fucking moron. He's an idiot, and he fucks absolutely everything up. He is an embarrassing obnoxious mess of a sentient automobile, and Lightning McQueen is justifiably sick of Mater's bullshit. The movie hinges upon the assumption that McQueen and Mater make fantastic friends, so the fact that "no, they don't" is a bit of an obstacle that the movie never overcomes. McQueen has to treat him like a child the whole time, because (barring the last act, which depends upon a series of contrivances) Mater can't do anything right ever. In one scene McQueen's hanging out with his friends and then he's like "Oh, I have to go look after Mater because he's going to maim himself if I leave him alone for five minutes" and we're supposed to nod and go "ah yes, that is what friendship is." So eventually Mater ruins McQueen's Big Important Race, and McQueen is like "quit being such an incompetent fuckup," which makes Mater very sad. So rather than changing himself in any way, Mater goes on a journey in which he discovers that as long as 1% of the time you aren't an incompetent fuckup, it's all good. McQueen on the other hand undergoes a change of heart (mostly off screen it seems, because this is Mater Hour at Materopolis, Mater Capital of the World, open mater-four seven, and fuck no we aren't wasting time on that shit) and realizes that ending a friendship is never a good idea ever at all no matter what because friendship is the most important thing regardless of who you're friends with and how fucking awful they are and you certainly shouldn't expect them to ever change themselves so better learn to fucking love it because you're locked into this shit for life.

So we have a big happy ending and everybody loves Mater. Except he's still Larry the Cable Guy the Tow Truck, so I just figure that like right after it cuts to credits he turns to McQueen and starts going off about the muslims and the gays.

There are however, exactly two levels on which this movie works. The most immediately evident is that the visuals are very accomplished, but everybody knew that would be the case. The other is that, remember how in the first Cars (if you saw it) you spend a good chunk of the movie thinking to yourself "wait, how the hell does this universe work?" When it comes to that aspect of the film, Cars 2 is to Cars as methamphetamine is to a moderately caffeinated breakfast tea. So if you're an inquisitive person who spends too much time thinking about world building (and are over the age of 9) that is probably what's going to get you through the movie. One moment Mater's mentioning the Catholicism of the Popemobile, and then I'm spending the next ten minutes imagining what Cars universe Jesus must have been like. He was a cart, right? Did they crucify him? Like through the wheels? Fuck.

Anyway, Brave looks good.

The Sevenshot Kid · 11-11-2011, 02:08 AM

Professor Smarmiarty · 11-11-2011, 02:47 AM

Did I get real boozed last night and log in as Betty Elms?

Kyanbu The Legend · 11-11-2011, 03:19 AM

Man people really seem to love that tow truck. Mater of meh to me. But he grew a little on me when I saw the first Cars movie a second time (unintentionally but still enjoyed it).

But you still couldn't pay me enough to watch Cars 2 though. I just can't watch it, I just can't. Wouldn't even make it past the intro scene.

Betty Elms · 11-11-2011, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smarty McBarrelpants

Did I get real boozed last night and log in as Betty Elms?

Probably not, but I did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kyanbu The Legend

But you still couldn't pay me enough to watch Cars 2 though. I just can't watch it, I just can't. Wouldn't even make it past the intro scene.

The intro scene was pretty okay actually. It's just Michael Caine being a car who does rad shit, and I am fine with that. It also introduces gun battles and vaguely graphic car death, two concepts sadly lacking from the original that Cars 2 has chosen to usher in with gleeful abandon.

Professor Smarmiarty · 11-11-2011, 09:49 PM

Like I'm not a big pixar fan but like if they just took great films and turned them into hilarious cartoons it would be splendidballs.
Firt up I suggst manchurian candidate- like as Sinatra you could have a wise cracking confident front man- rest of the characters I'll leave pretty much same.
and he and all his friends are cats but infiltrting society are some squirrels and there is a big hunt for squirrels- we can putsome racism shit in there- and then like sinatra falls in love like the regular movie but instead with a squirrel this time- what a twist- and instead of solitaire they play with a ball of string and squirrels hypnotise with nuts ona string obv.. And like set the whole thing instead of on like a train and an appartment set it under a bridge and in an alley.
And lie manchurian candidate did a lot of interesting intersectioins of light/colour/music, imma do the same thing but with the added dimenions of animation properties- instead of light interestions- because low lit animation can be hit or miss- i'd intersect perspective with colour and music, just a little, not enough to be distracting but enough so your brain goes wahey.

or fire the whole team, get in svankmeyer- do it all with puppets.

TDK · 11-11-2011, 11:26 PM

IMO the saddest part about Larry the Cable Guy is that he is a character, not a person. The actual dude is named Daniel something-or-other and actually appears to be a somewhat competent actor who does not speak like a moron.

And yet he chooses to do so. It confounds me.

EVILNess · 11-11-2011, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TDK

And yet he chooses to do so. It confounds me.

I would speak like a moron too if I were making millions to do such.

TDK · 11-11-2011, 11:38 PM

Then you have no integrity.

phil_ · 11-12-2011, 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TDK

Then you have no integrity.

11-11-2011, 03:19 AM	#4
Kyanbu The Legend Local Rookie Indie Dev Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: New Jersey Posts: 5,497	Man people really seem to love that tow truck. Mater of meh to me. But he grew a little on me when I saw the first Cars movie a second time (unintentionally but still enjoyed it). But you still couldn't pay me enough to watch Cars 2 though. I just can't watch it, I just can't. Wouldn't even make it past the intro scene. __________________

11-11-2011, 11:38 PM	#9
TDK Sent to the cornfield Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Reality Posts: 2,914	Just sayin' Then you have no integrity. Last edited by TDK; 11-11-2011 at 11:41 PM.

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11-11-2011, 02:47 AM	#3
Professor Smarmiarty Sent to the cornfield Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: K-space Posts: 9,758	Did I get real boozed last night and log in as Betty Elms?

11-11-2011, 09:49 PM	#6
Professor Smarmiarty Sent to the cornfield Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: K-space Posts: 9,758	Like I'm not a big pixar fan but like if they just took great films and turned them into hilarious cartoons it would be splendidballs. Firt up I suggst manchurian candidate- like as Sinatra you could have a wise cracking confident front man- rest of the characters I'll leave pretty much same. and he and all his friends are cats but infiltrting society are some squirrels and there is a big hunt for squirrels- we can putsome racism shit in there- and then like sinatra falls in love like the regular movie but instead with a squirrel this time- what a twist- and instead of solitaire they play with a ball of string and squirrels hypnotise with nuts ona string obv.. And like set the whole thing instead of on like a train and an appartment set it under a bridge and in an alley. And lie manchurian candidate did a lot of interesting intersectioins of light/colour/music, imma do the same thing but with the added dimenions of animation properties- instead of light interestions- because low lit animation can be hit or miss- i'd intersect perspective with colour and music, just a little, not enough to be distracting but enough so your brain goes wahey. or fire the whole team, get in svankmeyer- do it all with puppets.

11-11-2011, 11:26 PM	#7
TDK Sent to the cornfield Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Reality Posts: 2,914	IMO the saddest part about Larry the Cable Guy is that he is a character, not a person. The actual dude is named Daniel something-or-other and actually appears to be a somewhat competent actor who does not speak like a moron. And yet he chooses to do so. It confounds me.