Ask Black Mage

[Drake the Dark]

Yo, BM, got some more questions for ya.

1) I've recently run into a problem I can't seem to handle by myself. You see, I post on other boards, and I have this problem of incredibly stupid people following me around wherever I go. They aren't necessarily the same people, but there's always at least SOMEONE who has the intellect of a two year old and the spelling abilities of a fetus. I've shot them, stabbed them, blown them up, set them on fire, unleashed powerful summons upon them, and nothing seems to work! Can you help me?

2) What are your thoughts on the annoying electric rodent known as 'Pikachu' from Pokemon, and how painfully would you kill it?

3) What are your thoughts on firearms and explosives?

[#The fREaK!]

How do I make pie evil?

[Domon]

Dear BM:

Just cause you are from a FF game does that mean you Play FF games?

[reality_deviant]

Dear Black Mage,

1)What is it about evil that brings you so much joy? Is it the freedom from responsibility, the opportunity to flaunt your power?

2)Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

[Dragonsbane]

Originally posted by Black Mage.
You're probably not a black mage yourself

I typed that BEFORE I leveled up! Now that I am more powerful, I see that you are correct about the lack of a mind-control spell..........a pity, there were MANY people I wanted to use it on.....

As for the goth kids, how am I supposed to stand them long enough to make them into an army? And how can I even motivate them to fight, since all they ever do is whine about their miserable, worthless lives?

[PsyBlade]

Dear Black Mage,
I am planning on making an evil avatar of myself
I am wondering what I should give my avatar in terms of abilities, weaknesses, strengths, and restrictions
I am trying to be a neutral being and since I already have many goody-two-shoe avatars of myself, I need it to be really evil
On a final note, I want a defense orientation
Offense tends to make me lose avatars, and I am lessened by the loss of any piece of me, and avatars ARE pieces of me

[videogamerz2000]

Dear Mage of Dark Inscriptions,

Although I found offense to your last reply, I guess I was wasting your time. Anywasy, down to the meat and cheese...

1) By eating evil pecan pie, and your a super light-warrior, would you become a neutral warrior?
2) If you Hadokened Fighter back to the prehisortic, would mankind be saved or doomed, to do his actions in the prehistoric?
3) Are my questions meaningful of not, and is evil the real answer?

[Dragonsbane]

An additional question, Lord Black Mage..........is it just me, or does Reality Deviant seem to be attracted to you?

Dear Black Mage,
After watching the user of this account log in, we learned his password and we now control his account. Of course, it's highly likely that he'll change his password after this, but hey.

Mortal, why do you continue to try and do evil, as you are a puny, comptemptible human?
Also, human, if you plan on transcending your mortal bonds, how do you plan to do so? We're sure you don't have much of a chance of ruling hell again, so what's your plan?
What is the limit to A) your current powers of Black Magic and B) your physical bodies ability to cast Black Magic? We are merely curious, as you are a most interesting case of combined Sadism and Bad Temper, so we wonder how much of your full potential you have reached.
Also, we have an incredibly simple concept to get rid of that annoying (and dangerous to our invasion) Fighter! You see, the first step is to go to a bonfire (or start one of your own; it doesn't matter), then tell him there's a horde of invisible spiders in all directions except straight into the bonfire.

Hey, no one said aliens weren't evil too,
The Swarm

[Xellos]

Originally Posted by Zoamelgustar

have you ever tried a dragon slave? I mean it must get old just Hadokenning everything. Don't you need a little variety?

Originally Posted by BlackMage

A24: Hadoken isn't that fun to begin with, it's use feels pretty good though. I generally just use it for big monsters........and bees(hey their stingers are annoying). For innocent townsfolk I use a variety of things. My favorites are things like slowly casting Fire-1 on someone over and over to slowly dissolve them while they scream for mercy, slicing people's faces off, and that acid fusion zombifying trick. The problem with those is that you can only kill 1 person at a time with them. Other stuff such as casting Water-3 Of the coast of a small island with tourists on it cn also be fun

But the Dragon slave was made by a demon lord, and can kill most demons easily. (Sorry, I just like the spell.......)

Originally Posted by Dragonsbane

An additional question, Lord Black Mage..........is it just me, or does Reality Deviant seem to be attracted to you?

Hey, yeah! And she is a red head too. Didn't you say that you like red heads?

Well, now that I've commented on a few things, I guess its only fair that I ask a question.................

What is the first thing you would do if you took over hell?

[Dragonsbane]

Most of us Black Mages like redheads........I have no idea why.

Most aliens can't match the level of evil attained by becoming a Black Mage, unless they learn Black Magic and become Black Mages themselves........

Am I right?

[The Infallible]

BM BM BM, MY HERO!!!! ok enough of that. my friends and i were discussing this for a while, what is the most effective use of a hadoken? i say a "raydoken" where i basically do the fighterdoken thing except with ray who is exponentially more thick headed and skilled with a sword than fighter. what say you oh master of black magicks?

[Dragonsbane]

Give him time to answer, he must be off trying to seduce White Mage again!

[BlackMage]

Originally Posted by Flarecobra

BM,

How do you stay cool in your robes? I imagine that during the summer it can get like a sauna in there. And also, if these two were in an election to be in charge of one of the most powerful political powers in th eworld, who would you go for, King Steve, or Bilke the Pirate?

A47: I get the feeling I'll end up in both an ice cave and a fire cave somehow. We'll see when that does happen

A48: King Steve, they're both idiots but at least King Steve succeeds at his evil deeds. Bikke couldn't even hold a successful band of pirates

Originally Posted by Dante

Dear Black Mage,

I am a big fan of your work, and I have a few questions...

1) What exactly is Hadoken?
2) Would you take disciples?
3) What is the wing speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

A49: Energy corruption made projectile, in a nutshell at least. It's exact details take some time to explain but that's the basics of it

A50: Hell yes, sure they're untrustworthy but they're clearly in fear of me. Otherwise they wouldn't be disciples

A51: Ask Stuperman the wind mage, that's not something I'd know or care to. Just be wary that he thinks he's invincible

Originally Posted by Drake the Dark

1) I've recently run into a problem I can't seem to handle by myself. You see, I post on other boards, and I have this problem of incredibly stupid people following me around wherever I go. They aren't necessarily the same people, but there's always at least SOMEONE who has the intellect of a two year old and the spelling abilities of a fetus. I've shot them, stabbed them, blown them up, set them on fire, unleashed powerful summons upon them, and nothing seems to work! Can you help me?

2) What are your thoughts on the annoying electric rodent known as 'Pikachu' from Pokemon, and how painfully would you kill it?

3) What are your thoughts on firearms and explosives?

A52: Do you really think Fighter would still be alive if I knew the answer to that? Hell no!!! Can't help you, sorry

A53: I haven't heard of that, but Water-1 cast really slow would be a really sadistic way to kill any small electrical monster

A54: Wannabe black mages who never could get it right typically use those things, don't really need them myself

Originally Posted by #The fREaK!

How do I make pie evil?

A55: It involves using poisons that require power over level 8 or higher black magic to be immune to. That's what makes it evil, it kills those who haven't truly mastered the dark arts

Originally Posted by Domon

Dear BM:

Just cause you are from a FF game does that mean you Play FF games?

A56: What are you? Some sort of half knight-half red mage? Quit asking me questions like that, or you won't like the results onionkid

Originally Posted by reality_deviant

Dear Black Mage,

1)What is it about evil that brings you so much joy? Is it the freedom from responsibility, the opportunity to flaunt your power?

2)Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

A57: It just does because I am evil, but I geuss the masses of morons I've met does make it that much more apealing

A58: You can do a lot more than just walk by again baby *wink*

Originally Posted by Dragonsbane

As for the goth kids, how am I supposed to stand them long enough to make them into an army? And how can I even motivate them to fight, since all they ever do is whine about their miserable, worthless lives?

A59&60: Both these problems can be solved by their fear of your magic, though the second one isn't really much of a problem. Like I said they hate elves with a serious passion and won't hesitate to kill them. In fact, the fact that they are so miserable about themselves destroys their fear of death, they'll be unstoppable

And to answer both your questions below, you better believe it. My sheer evilness, and her hot body, oh yeah baby it's happening

Originally Posted by PsyBlade

Dear Black Mage,
I am planning on making an evil avatar of myself
I am wondering what I should give my avatar in terms of abilities, weaknesses, strengths, and restrictions
I am trying to be a neutral being and since I already have many goody-two-shoe avatars of myself, I need it to be really evil
On a final note, I want a defense orientation
Offense tends to make me lose avatars, and I am lessened by the loss of any piece of me, and avatars ARE pieces of me

A61: Enjoying those mushrooms eh? Well just don't forget to check them to see if they're laced with LSD or anything. Especially LSD since it can hit you at any given time in your life after the first use with flashbacks

Originally Posted by videogamerz2000

1) By eating evil pecan pie, and your a super light-warrior, would you become a neutral warrior?
2) If you Hadokened Fighter back to the prehisortic, would mankind be saved or doomed, to do his actions in the prehistoric?
3) Are my questions meaningful of not, and is evil the real answer?

A62: The "Light" in Light-Warriors doesn't mean I'm a good guy. It just means Fighter was stupid enough to get me locked up in this stupid jig, that's all. I really could use an evil pecan pie now that you mention it though

A63: I think he'd blend in pretty well, I dunno about the outcome

A64: How is evil not the real answer?

Originally Posted by Cyclone231

Mortal, why do you continue to try and do evil, as you are a puny, comptemptible human?
Also, human, if you plan on transcending your mortal bonds, how do you plan to do so? We're sure you don't have much of a chance of ruling hell again, so what's your plan?
What is the limit to A) your current powers of Black Magic and B) your physical bodies ability to cast Black Magic? We are merely curious, as you are a most interesting case of combined Sadism and Bad Temper, so we wonder how much of your full potential you have reached.
Also, we have an incredibly simple concept to get rid of that annoying (and dangerous to our invasion) Fighter! You see, the first step is to go to a bonfire (or start one of your own; it doesn't matter), then tell him there's a horde of invisible spiders in all directions except straight into the bonfire.

Cute, but do you really think I wouldn't know if a swarm of egotistical aliens was after me? It even happened once, I sensed it and hadokened the ship, they'll have to do better than that next time.(I think I heard a few of them scream too). But to answer the questions that you had for me

A65: I will once again rule hell, I just need to get ultima. Lich is obviously very dumb about using it in that he usually doesn't from what I can tell, but I can't take any chances

A66: I can A) only cast 9 levels of it for now B) only cast a certain number of each spell per day(though level 0 spells I have infinite use of, in fact I us one such to communicate with you people)

PS. Good luck killing Fighter, I've been trying for years. It just seems impossible, but I'm rootin for ya

Originally Posted by Xellos

What is the first thing you would do if you took over hell?

A67: Again you mean? Well my first act would definitely be to have Lich Refleshed then use that acid fusion thing on him while locking him in a room filled to the top with special hell lava that only burns but doesn't disolve anything, as a bonus he'll have the pain of not being able to breath

Originally Posted by The Infallible

BM BM BM, MY HERO!!!! ok enough of that. my friends and i were discussing this for a while, what is the most effective use of a hadoken? i say a "raydoken" where i basically do the fighterdoken thing except with ray who is exponentially more thick headed and skilled with a sword than fighter. what say you oh master of black magicks?

A68: First my sheer sympathy my black magic friend, I can only imagine the pain of constantly dealing with someone dumber than Fighter, at least he's probably not as dumb as BlackBelt. But to answer your question there's only really one form of it. Boatdoken is just hadoken cast at the end of a boat to make it speed up

And by the way, FighterDoken isn't hadoken at all. I just shoved his ass at the monsters and said "FighterDoken" in a bit of sarcasm. He uses it as a battle tactic now but hey, that wasn't the intention

[GatoFiero]

BM,

What are your views on the FF3 character Kefka? I've heard many say that he is much more evil and powerful than you. This isn't true is it?

[Domon]

Fine Dear Black Mage:

If i kill you then do i become you?

If so then be prepared for a world of being killed.

[Duo Maxwell]

Dear Black Mage,

My name is Duo Maxwell, pilot of the warmech Gundam Deathscythe. Because of my Gundam's resemblance to the Grim Reaper (it having a cloaking device and wielding a beam scythe and all) they call me the God of Death, but I can't seem to kill this one n00b at the GameFAQs boards. How can the God of Death be denied his target?

[Jack of Spades]

Dear Mage of Overly Dramatic Titles The Like of which is Given to Red Mage in his Twinkin Out With Red Mage Aticles.

Why did you choose to be a black mage? I realize that you are evil but even an evil person can gain levels in the Cleric class.

Why don't you become a ninja? You have the uncanny ability to hide daggers in your robes and your hadoken would of course be helpful in eliminating your targets (and all traces of them except for a few radioactive particles of course...)

Why don't you hit on another girl besides WM? Why not Reality Devient? She's like WM except she likes you.

Oh yeah and this is my 400th post. What do you say to that? Huh? Do I get a cookie? What if it's an evil cookie? Then can I have it?

[Just Jon]

Dear Robe Wearer of the color of the sky before filled with the victims of Prontera:

What's the deal with Red Mages column? Why doesn't he give you more props? You're the one that drives fanboys in a tizzy! (At least, all but the red mage fanboys) Obviously you need to have a few "words" with said mage.

Also, are cookies really that good? If cookies were made with, say DOOM instead of plain old evil, are they different? Could you mix said cookies to make the ultimate EVILDOOM cookie? If so, does it have macedamia nuts?

Yours, the guy with the happy avatar,
Just Jon

PS This is my 400th post too. Yay me!

PPS What does realitydeviant have to do? Choke you with panties? Go get that man! It's right there!

[videogamerz2000]

Dear Mage of Ultimate Spells,

In the world of FF1, if a dragoon were to exist, would he be smarter than Fighter, or Theirf, or even you?

And is pecan pie that tasty?

[Dragonsbane]

Right.........I terrified the goth kids by burning their lousy poetry (and the ones reading it....) with Fire-3..........then drove them into battle against the drow. To make a long story short, goths won, since not many drow cared enough to show up (they didn't like the High Priestess I killed anyway).....now the few surviving goths are standing around, reciting whiny poetry about their wounds and the minor pains of their lives. I now wish to show them the true meaning of pain, what combination of spells would you recommend to massacre them in the most painful way possible?

why do goths hate elves so much, anyway?

And why don't you have a full-time column instead of just a thread? Why does that arrogant Red Mage get his own column, but you are denied one!?

[Mashirosen]

Because whoever's doing this isn't a close personal friend of Brian's. Page limit closey time.