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04-10-2009, 01:16 PM
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#11 | |
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Making it happen.
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Someplace. Probably here.
Posts: 7,879
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Oh goddamnit Meister now I can't unsee it. Why would you do that!?
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3DS Friend Code: 4441-8226-8387  |
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04-10-2009, 01:16 PM
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#12 |
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for all seasons
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 19,409
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WHAT
THE FUCK
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check out my buttspresso
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04-10-2009, 01:22 PM
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#13 |
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Vigilo - Confido
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,846
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Remember where I live, Meister.
And I remember where you live. You'll pay for your crimes. |
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04-10-2009, 01:47 PM
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#14 |
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We'll have to do this the hard way.
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Behind it all.
Posts: 1,009
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Meister, you are a god.
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 You know who never sleeps? My gun. |
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04-10-2009, 02:15 PM
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#15 | ||
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DA-DA-DA-DAA DAA DAA DA DA-DAAAAAA!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Zanzibar Land
Posts: 6,531
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*trying to be helpful*
Quote:
Anyway, Kirby, is English your first language? That sound kind of like a jerk-y question, but I would feel bad everyone commenting on the grammar and whatnot in this if there's a legitimate reason that it's off. As far as ideas on how to improve the writing. I think I understand kind of what you're trying to write, in the sense of it's kind of a written explanation of perhaps what you might see if you play this game called blackmage.exe (if that makes any sense) but I don't think it's coming across correctly and perhaps instead of describing the events as if it was something you were watching on a screen, you might want to try describing the story as if it was a real book instead of just describing what you see happening on the screen. (Wow, I'm not sure if my huge run-on sentence made any sense at all.  )So instead of something like: Quote:
"Dekao, a dark skinned child, whose green shirt barely covered his heavy frame, shouted into the fight, "Finish him off Black Belt!" I... uh... left a lot of the details in that original sentence out because I really couldn't figure out what was going on. More detail might be good here, as I have no idea what "a blue thing" is.
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04-10-2009, 02:35 PM
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#16 | ||
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for all seasons
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 19,409
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Quote:
Quote:
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check out my buttspresso
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04-10-2009, 02:38 PM
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#17 |
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Sent to the cornfield
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Home
Posts: 42
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I guess I better work on my detail better on episode one before posting episode two.
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04-10-2009, 03:06 PM
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#18 | |
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DA-DA-DA-DAA DAA DAA DA DA-DAAAAAA!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Zanzibar Land
Posts: 6,531
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Quote:
 Although looking at that link reminds me I need to work on some more
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04-10-2009, 03:16 PM
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#19 |
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adorable
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 12,950
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Oh, please do. That would be delightful and fill my soul with much joy. It would also wash out the horrible taste of Meister's monstrosity.
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this post is about how to successfully H the Kimmy
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04-10-2009, 07:06 PM
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#20 |
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Time is something else.
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Wherever I am needed, I will be there.
Posts: 5,065
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I love the extra details, like the little bit of blonde hair, or that extra little bit under the apron. It is fantastic.
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WHERE MIKEY IS IN 2022! tumblrs - http://werewolf.zone twitters - @itmightbemikey |
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