Taking the high road - Page 2

Mirai Gen · 05-24-2009, 03:45 AM

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Just cut her off.

Actually if this is an option, I would recommend doing it.

I didn't think it was considering it didn't seem like a presented option, but yeah, Krylo's right.

I've got a crazy grandma who contacts me every few months just to remind me that I still really really need to invite Jesus into my heart. I've tried visiting her to be nice and she keeps cancelling and acting like she's busy. She only wants to pester me, really.

CelesJessa · 05-24-2009, 10:50 AM

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Originally Posted by Bells

How much do you HAVE to interact with her? Because, i'll be honest... if you don't, then don't.

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Originally Posted by Krylo

Just cut her off.

Why bother with confrontations? Does she really deserve your time or energy in an argument? Does she really deserve your time or energy in a relationship?

Just... don't see her. Ever.

Yeah. I've seriously considered doing that. (One of my cousins has completely cut off contact with most of the family because noone will stand up to her, so I guess if they can do it...) I hardly have to see her anyway (It's been since middle school since I've actually personally seen her), and, honestly, I don't have many problems with just cutting her off and never talking or seeing her again(It's not like she'll bother coming to my wedding either), but thanks to the internet and phones my dad is still in constant contact with her. As weird as it is, despite how horrible she was to my dad growing up, and continually now, my dad won't stand up to her and just tries to be nice, because, as he says, "She's still my mom." So, I know if I cut off contact, it will probably cause problems for my dad, because she'll just start bitching to him about how he's raised horrible children, and I don't know if I want to put my dad through that.

And there's this issue with this summer my family is planning a trip to visit my dad's side of the family, grandparents included, so there's that whole thing to worry about. My mom's a fan of the "cut off all contact" idea, and she's suggested that she and I could stay in the hotel when my dad goes to visit but I know that would probably end up causing problems too. This trip is what spurred this entire "start over a new leaf with her" thing for me, because maybe then visiting wouldn't be so horrible. (I don't recall ever enjoying visiting my dad's side of the family)

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Originally Posted by Mirai

I'm not sure about how mean she could get if incited but I really would suggest standing up to her. Cause honestly CJ you're rarely even irate or annoyed here on NPF, I have no reason to think this is just exclusive to your onlineness and someone taking advantage of your niceness to be all horrible is just plain wrong.

I'd like to think I'm pretty nice in real life too. XD; The thing is, she hates my mom(my mom's response to my dad's "she's still my mom" is "anyone can give birth. It takes something else to be a mother.", my mom and my grandma butt heads a lot), and I pretty much act just like her, so... there's that. And, as she's stated herself, she hates all girls because they're all whores. Don't ask, I don't get it either.

Thanks a bunch for all of the advice in here. I swear I read it all, and took it all to heart. It's funny how if someone unrelated to you treats you like crap, it's expected and encouraged just to get them out of your life, but socially it's completely different if they're related. Especially grandparents. They're supposed to be all warm and loving.

Nikose Tyris · 05-24-2009, 01:15 PM

Well, I only have one grandmother I'm in contact with, because the other is a lot like yours. I'm entirely with Krylo's point of view here. It seems mean, but If she's a cantankerous old witch, leave her to it? It might feel harsh or mean, but she clearly doesn't want to reciprocate your attempts; I'm certain your father will understand.

Hatake Kakashi · 05-25-2009, 01:19 AM

I also have to agree with Krylo's opinion here. I've been of the type who follow the practice: "If you are not welcome in a town/home/village/family or whatnot, shake the dust off your sandals and continue on your journeys." Something similar was once written to this effect, and I find it to be incredibly good advice.

Granted, I do miss some of the people I once had contact with, but when forced and continued contact only serves to hurt you or bring you down, there's really no option at all.

BlackMageGirl! · 05-25-2009, 02:05 AM

I will agree with all that was said for the standing up for yourself idiom. But I shall add in this:

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but thanks to the internet and phones my dad is still in constant contact with her. As weird as it is, despite how horrible she was to my dad growing up, and continually now, my dad won't stand up to her and just tries to be nice, because, as he says, "She's still my mom." So, I know if I cut off contact, it will probably cause problems for my dad, because she'll just start bitching to him about how he's raised horrible children, and I don't know if I want to put my dad through that.

As harsh as that sounds, that's entirely your father's problem. It's nice that you don't want to cause him problems (believe me, I know I feel the same way about my mother) but your father is an adult. He should be the one to put a stop to such things if he doesn't want to put up with them. You should NOT be responsible for sparing his feelings on this matter.

Hell if after you took this action and it bothers him to a point where it's worrying you get some people together and intervene on his behalf. The only reason your grandmother keeps bothering him about stuff is that he lets her. If that doesn't happen anymore more than likely she'll stop.

CelesJessa · 05-25-2009, 09:16 PM

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Originally Posted by BlackMageGirl!

As harsh as that sounds, that's entirely your father's problem. It's nice that you don't want to cause him problems (believe me, I know I feel the same way about my mother) but your father is an adult. He should be the one to put a stop to such things if he doesn't want to put up with them. You should NOT be responsible for sparing his feelings on this matter.

Yeah that's what was going through the logical part of my head when I was writing my post earlier about that.

I think, for now at least, I'm going to wash my hands of the current issue between herself and I (although it seems other people are more than willing to pick up the issue and argue with her about it in my stead XD; ). Beyond this, I'm not going to make any effort to communicate with her. When visiting I won't go out of my way to avoid her but I also won't go out of my way to be nice if she's going to be snippy and mean.

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Originally Posted by Krylo

I mean... I get why you'd want to build bridges. You see people with happy relationships with their grandparents on TV, you hear coworkers talking about it, whatever else. I get that. I see the same stuff with father and son shit, but you have to just come to a realization that you're not going to have that kind of relationship with her regardless of what you do, and just move on. Stop trying to make her be a pleasant person. Just cut her out of your life.

Yeah, I guess I get caught by this a lot. I see other people and their grandparents and even my nephew with my parents and see "oh hey, this is what grandparents are supposed to be like", and it's hard because the way she treats my cousins compared to my family is like night and day (my dad's youngest brother's family basically can do no wrong, while my dad's family are the problem ones I guess.) so it's kind of like... did I do something wrong? My step-cousin from that family can go out and run away from home and sleep around and everything under the sun and you never hear a negative word in her direction, but I can get on the deans list and get my artwork in a museum and whatever else and it's never enough.

/rant

Oh well.

Premmy · 05-25-2009, 09:22 PM

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Yeah, I guess I get caught by this a lot. I see other people and their grandparents and even my nephew with my parents and see "oh hey, this is what grandparents are supposed to be like", and it's hard because the way she treats my cousins compared to my family is like night and day (my dad's youngest brother's family basically can do no wrong, while my dad's family are the problem ones I guess.) so it's kind of like... did I do something wrong? My step-cousin from that family can go out and run away from home and sleep around and everything under the sun and you never hear a negative word in her direction, but I can get on the deans list and get my artwork in a museum and whatever else and it's never enough.

Well there's family and there's relatives, Family are the people who care about you and look out for you, relatives are people you are connected with via genetics, chance, and legal affairs, the two are'nt the same thing. Just think of all the cousins and whatnot you more than likely have whom you don't know/give a shit about, and who don't know/give a shit about you. Nothing wrong with finding your own family. Where ever they may be, even if it's outside your circle of immediate relatives.

Bells · 05-25-2009, 09:23 PM

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Originally Posted by CelesJessa

Yeah, I guess I get caught by this a lot. I see other people and their grandparents and even my nephew with my parents and see "oh hey, this is what grandparents are supposed to be like", and it's hard because the way she treats my cousins compared to my family is like night and day (my dad's youngest brother's family basically can do no wrong, while my dad's family are the problem ones I guess.) so it's kind of like... did I do something wrong? My step-cousin from that family can go out and run away from home and sleep around and everything under the sun and you never hear a negative word in her direction, but I can get on the deans list and get my artwork in a museum and whatever else and it's never enough.

/rant

Oh well.

If it serves on anything, i belive we all here think you're quite delightful. also, here's a cupcake.

But seriously, the best thing you can take from this is to do better with your own family. You honestly do have a better chance than that cousin of yours simply because you already have a strong root in "earning what you want" and "being the responsibly one", and that's really huge. So don't worry and "look out for number 1" a bit more.