The Marvelous Misadventures of Asshat! [REBOOT]

[Token]

Originally Posted by Me

Yeah, break for the night, then I'll post the rest of the episode.

THREE WEEKS LATER THE THRILLING CONCLUSION


Yeah, I gathered that much.

Makes sense. I wouldn't trust more than a couple of people with the password to my office if I ran a criminal empire.

Wait, why don't I run a criminal empire? Arceus knows I could run this operation more efficiently than whatever dumbfuck is in charge now...

Yes. And then I, Token Q. Asshat shall seize control of Team Rocket!

I wouldn't call him tough so much as he's a giant douchebag who will use Hyper Beam on innocent stoners.

That actually sounds like an improvement. Only hipsters use Silph products. Devon Corp all the way!

Woah! Look, um...

Ross. Right. Okay, dude, I'm flattered, but I'm gonna have to turn you down.

For one thing, I'm not into that sort of stuff.

Especially on the first date. I don't know what sort of guy you take me for, but I'm not easy.

Also, you're like thirty, and I'm like twelve. Just sort of... unschway, y'know? I mean you probably don't even know what "schway" means! Our cultures are inherently different. It just wouldn't work. Oh, and I'm not gay.

Mmhm. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a sexy redhead in a cape.

In fact, you could say it drives them... ...Gaga.

Can't beat my, can't beat my, no they can't beat my Poke-fa... wait. Your experiment? You're the one who did this to Skittles?

Actually... it means your ass is dead. Skittles.
Spoilered for intense violence and fabulousness

That is an excellent question. Do you?



Fantastic. Now give me the password.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Can we move on now?

Thank you.

The suspense is killing me...

...If I was a good person, I wouldn't think that was hilarious. As it is, that shit's golden.

Fair enough. Thanks for the help.

Meh. Haters gonna hate.


Wait. People actually use those in battle? And here I was thinking they only existed to fornicate with everything ever.

Stupidhed, defeat it before it taps yo' ass.

Uh oh.

Hurry up, 'Hed! It's assuming the position!

Oh, thank Arceus.

Excellent. You get less and less useless with each passing battle. I'm... proud of you.

Fair en... You aren't a battler. Ditto is your only Pokemon. Precisely what were you using that Ditto for?

But... that would interrupt the Daft Punk marathon. You bastard!

I am so sorry for your Ditto.

...what.

Sure, why not.

Oh, shit! I meant Pokemon, not a rap-off!

Oh, thank goodness.

F'real? Thanks bro. When I'm in charge of Team Rocket, I won't kill you.

One Pokemon... and he's in charge of the password... clearly his Pokemon must be insanely powerful.

You wouldn't happen to know a kid called Joey, would you?

You do? I'm so sorry.

Antici...



...pation.

You sadistic motherfuckers. I'm gonna keep that same sort of password scheme, I think.

This should be good.

I can dig that.

Time to go beat the shit out of the boss now. Assert my authority and whatnot.

Passive voice should not be spoken by ignorant fucks such as yourself.

Forgive me if I'm not intimidated. Y'see, unlike you, I got dat

Boom.

Boom.

Pow.

Sorry dude. You so two-thousand-and-late.

Well aren't you just a pathetic bastard.

Have you tried... not losing to children?

Alright. Boss battle time, time to get ready.

Wait, are those footsteps?

Sup kid. You one of my future Rocket grunts?

I don't think we've met before?

You mean Lance?

Well duh. You don't even have a name, you aren't important to the plot.

That is certainly one way to stop sucking.

Did he hurt your feelings? I'd care, but you're insignificant.

Wow. You lost to someone who spouts crap like that. You should just give up now.

I would be too.

Fantastic. I have to go take down and seize control of a criminal organization now.

Did you just push me? Jackass.

I should fix that. Slowpoke Tail. Raticate Tail.

Right. Let's rock this bitch.

Don't be absurd. My name isn't Giovanni.

Wait. He disbanded the team, and you jackasses are still running around and mildly inconveniencing me?

I can see why he abandoned you if he was stuck with a bunch of stupid fucks like you.

Really? I thought it was because you're entirely fucktarded.

Unfortunately for you, I've already disturbed the fuck out of it.

Bring it, bitch.

Try to suck less.

Sure you could! You could lose.

I don't think he will.

Yes you can.

I have already whipped all of their asses.

Why the fuck are you talking?

How original.

Geeze. At least the other passwords were funny.

At least, y'know. In that "oh wow I'm a douche for laughing at this" kind of way. Hail Giovanni.

Ah well. It works, I guess.

STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM.

There's exactly nothing you can do to stop me.

You have no pride. At all.

What's with the porn dialog? Anyway, I'm pretty sure I have the mental capacity to handle a double battle.

Kinky. Bring it.

Dragon Tamer Lance: Professional Cockblock.

Not really, since I did all the work. At least, all the work that didn't involve shooting Hyper Beams at random people.

You have an entire fucking mafia. I'm allowed one jackass in a cape.

Does this mean the threesome is off?

Fair enough.

Sorry for my stony attitude...

I just get sort of snarky...

When I feel the wind beneath my wings.

Taste the rainbow, bitch.

Mmhm.

Oh?

I dunno what you're talking about. In a few weeks I will run Team Rocket.

Don't talk about my new Gligarcave like that!

If by "total success" you mean "created one of the Pokemon that kicked my ass," then yes.

Gligarcave.

No you don't.

No I won't.

Kay.

Eff you too, buddy.

I hate to be that guy, but "we?"

Ah right. You were too busy beating up children to actually. Y'know, fight Team Rocket.

Fuck you, your mother, your Dragonite, and everything you've ever loved.

You're doing that.

Then fucking Hyper Beam it or something.

Or take the douchiest option. That works too.

Works for me.

Pussy.

You motherfucker.

Allons-y.

The other two used Selfdestruct.

Can we like disrupt the Pokegear signals as well, by any chance?

Excellent. I'm sure Skittles will be happy.

It's coo'.

How considerate. Jackass.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Fuck you.

I'm sure it is, if you suck.

What the fuck do you think? Would I have come this far with a Chikorita otherwise?

Yes, I know.

Sure, why not.

Get the fuck out of my Gligarcave.

Well, that was... a complete waste of time.

Time to fuck up an old man!

After I gamble.

New stuff coming in the next few days. For real.

[Flarecobra]

Kris: "Man, Token's a gambling addict huh?"

Hey! Get back in that game you! *Drags her back into Crystal*

Sorry about that. Anyway, how would you react if Chikorita ruckus'd the Gym by itself?

[Fusionman]

HOLY SHIT! Token posted! Also Skittles needs to RAEP the gym. Skittles needs more use!!

[RobinStarwing]

I love rainbows!

On an unrelated note....

Originally Posted by BULBAPEDIA

Taken from Bulbanews Article 3:10 to Hoeen

GodofPH, AKA Pat Hessman, is a student at Montana State University and writer for the MSU Exponent. He has a blog, Raptor Rants, and has developed the theory that Silver is the Player Character’s chaotic alter ego and that all of their interactions are solely in your head.

Translation...Silver is Asshat.

[Token]

Originally Posted by Flarecobra

Anyway, how would you react if Chikorita ruckus'd the Gym by itself?

Might happen, might not. My team is being changed around a little for the next couple of fights.

Originally Posted by Fusionman

HOLY SHIT! Token posted! Also Skittles needs to RAEP the gym. Skittles needs more use!!

He does indeed need more use, but keep in mind that I've only had him for a little while compared to the others. I anticipate that he'll get his raep on when it's time for the Elite Four. No promises though.

Originally Posted by RobinStarwing

I love rainbows!

On an unrelated note....



Translation...Silver is Asshat.

[The Rival] might be an asshat, but he is not Asshat. Besides, HGSS and FRLG entirely jossed that theory with the revelation that he is Giovanni's son.

[Great Cartoonist]

How about you take the most useless Pokemon you have and manage to use that solo to win you the next gym badge? All in a completely AWESOME manner?

And on another completely unrelated note.

[Token]

Originally Posted by Great Cartoonist

How about you take the most useless Pokemon you have and manage to use that solo to win you the next gym badge? All in a completely AWESOME manner?

I actually managed to pull that off last time. Deckard (Mareep, POWERLEVELED into an Ampharos) singlehandedly destroyed everything in the Mahogany Gym. Yes, even Piloswine. I'm currently powerleveling him right now, and with any luck I'll be able to pull it off again.

Also, because I'm looking for suggestions on what you'd like to see switched out

Originally Posted by My current team

Stupidhed the Chikorita: Level 32. He's not coming out of the team, and I'm not evolving him.
Deckard the Flaaffy: Level 27. Already said I'd be using him.
Skittles the Gyarados Level 30. I'll be using him for a while.
Sayrune the Poliwhirl: Level 35. Sort of redundant, since I have Skittles and I don't have a Water Stone, but the Poliwhirl has always been one of my favorites. I'm willing to put him in the box for a while, but I will be training him as well.
Wallace (Wells) the Drowzee Level 10. Skittles' BRO 4 LYF.
Stabbeak the Fearow level 35: My flyer, and pretty awesome. Useless for the next two gyms.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Revenge for Skittles is sweet, JUST LIKE LOVE IS SWEET!

EDIT: Rawr

[Token]

Sounds like a massive pussy.

Time to POWERLEVEL Deckard the Mareep, and Wallace the shiny Drowzee who I totally caught ages ago, yep.

That's one of them... Oh! Hang on! Is today what I think it is?

Oh, fuck yes. Bulbapedia says that Friday is a good day to explore the Union Cave.

And since it's probably much more exciting than beating yet another Gym Leader...

Allons-y!

Besides, this will give Deckard even more practice. That's always a good thing.

Case in point. 'Sup dude?

The police, clearly.

Why do I keep running into Pokephiles what the hell.

Okay, fine. Pokemaniacs, if you have to get all frikkin' PC.

...Yeah...I'mma switch out now...

Poor Marowak. Not only does it have a perv for a trainer, it gets beat by a Chikorita.

You creepy bastard. Moving on!

Oh goddammit.

There is no way this isn't going to be disgusting.

dontsendoutatigerdontsendoutatigerdontsendoutatige r.

A mother and child. I'm not entirely sure that's better than a tiger.

Also: yay type coverage!

How dynamic is it? SUPER FUCKING DYNAMIC.

And then it was knocked out.

I don't like you.

EXPLORAN!

DOO-DOO-DOO-DOOAN!

SEXUAL INNUENDOAN!

BREAKAN THE RULE OF THREE...AN!

hahaha I know there are like no stones anywhere in Johto but who the hell uses an Eevee?

S-s-so dynamic, dy-dy-dy-dynamic.

Ah. That explains that. You're just a dumbass.

A dumbass with a drowned Flareon.

So cool, can you handle us?

Drowzee's fucking fabulous.

And also drastically underleveled for this fight.

'Hed, on the other hand, isn't.

Yay Bait-and-switch training!

Although... Wallace does know Thunderpunch...

Well, damn.

Deckard, show him how it's done!

Level up, GET!

I have been saying that to everything in Johto for the past three weeks.

Am I the only person in this cave who doesn't have sex with Pokemon?

No, it really isn't. At all.

Let's get this over with, shall we?

There we go.

I don't even want to think about what that means.

Finally! This is what I've been looking for.

Dammit...

Much better!

Those with fabulous Pokemon, and those without?

Close enough. I do believe we're kindred spirits.

Gonna go with fucking stylish.

You're goin' down dude, stylish or not.

There is nothing stylish about spamming Smokescreen!

All it does is justify me kicking your ass even harder.

You aren't even a little stylish. In fact, I think you might be a douchebag.

Yep, definitely a douchebag. Broship redacted.

Get out of my face you fucking plebeian.

Also I want to get a frikking Staryu now.

Well this is exciting.

That's what I get for fishing on the Johto Shore!

Bout time. Let it be known, I'm a star-yu'll be mine!

Didn't see that coming. Well, that specimen is seeing stars, I guess.

Well damn. Now I'm feeling a lot of angSt...aryu?


Perfect! Okay, now Wallace, make it read All the King's Men!

And now...

Staryu, GET!

Well, someone's certainly been watching an obscene amount of Soul Eater lately, haven't they?

Fuck yes!

PROTIP: Don't try to cook Magikarp using that crazy yin-yang method. It will end badly.

I'm sure that has nothing to do with it you dumb motherfucker of course it does what is wrong with you.

I caught it.

It's on my belt.

So it would seem.

If you so much as lay a finger on either of my shinies, I will cut you.

And I ain't talkin' no HM 01 shit.

I mean with a fucking knife.

I will do to you what Wallace just did to your stupid Skiploom.
[IMG]http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab330/AsshatLP/Episode%20010/096.png]
Man, fuck you, I have two shinies.

Sparkling like a Cullen all up in this mother.

You think so? I thought that reference was a little forced, honestly.

You must be trippin'. Shiny Butterfree aren't pink.

MOTHER OF FUCK.

Those gerbils are almost as annoying as-

...

...

Stop calling me.

Why haven't you evolved the damn thing yet?

Oh, yeah, I hate you.

You are a horrible trainer.

Never call me again. I'm going to go heal my Pokemon now.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED TO HEAR ME YELL AT YOU FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I HATE YOU.

IF MY HATE COULD BE TAPPED AS AN ENERGY SOURCE, I COULD FUEL THE WORLD FOR THE NEXT MILLION YEARS.

I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH.

Tou..Hoo...YOUR RATTATA IS LEVEL WHAT, FIFTEEN? And it's a safe bet that you haven't moved from Route 29, yeah?

SO HOW THE FUCK IS A LEVEL 2-5 HOOTHOOT TOUGH?

Please stop calling me. My brain can't take much more of this.

OH COME ON.

I.. I.... SHIT FUCK.

DAMN ASS TAINT BASTARD HELL.

BALLS PISS FUCK.

GLEN BECK, 4CHAN DAMN.

FFFFFUUUUUUCKKKKK.

Okay. I think he got the message that time.

What the fuck cold.

Oh yay. A puzzle.

Not gonna make the obvious joke. Nope. Not this time.

whut.

whut

Fucking Fire Punches, how do they work?

Well, there's SNOW-ay to know that, is there?

He's secretly running Team Rocket in a robotic body made out of ice?

"Boarder Douglas wants to battle?" That's Pryce's secret? Lame.

Two down...

Effective, even!

Just giving away an old man's secrets like that? Don't be such an ice-hole.

Thank you for that mental image... Oh. Meditate.

How did you do that? Explain it to me!

Explain it all.

Well, I didn't mean explain how to lose. I'll never need to know that.

Woah dude, chill. That's not how you should introduce yourself to people.

That's more like it.

Much.

More.

Polite!

Finally.

Well, that's one way to break the ice.

Hurry up! I don't have all sleigh.

Icy what you mean, but I just want to get to the fight.

Well no shit, cold man. Can we please hurry this up?

Do you lose icily?

That's it. No more Mr. Ice Guy. Send out your Pokemon, now!

Okay, finally! You were taking so long, you almost put me to sleet.

Ice hope you see what I'm about to do.

There! Did you Seel it?

I really hope you thaw it.

Sorry Pryce, but unlike Piloswine, Deckard's a winter.

Although, if we're honest, that joke was just snowverkill.

Ice-talavista, baby.

Hail to the king, baby!

It's snow big deal.

Snow my god, it's about time.

All that good news just sent a chill down my spine.

You're snow generous!

That's just cold, man.

Six down, two to snow!

[Kroze Gamegod]

Wow... that was just way too much pun-ishment for me to handle...
You may want to water it down just a TAD bit.

Well at least with that new HM you will be really making waves!

N-ice job there dude!