The Marvelous Misadventures of Asshat! [REBOOT]

[Token]

Originally Posted by akaSM

Hey Asshat, look at this, you'll love it

http://bit.ly/aFqFex

There are things on that site that are dangerously close to something I have planned, and that is all I will say on that subject.

EDIT: On a completely unrelated note that I doubt most of you will see until after the fact, parts 11 and 12 are finished, and 11 at least will be up before Thursday. When 12 goes up depends on whether the director wants me for callbacks tonight, and if I get cast later. (I guess now would be a good time to mention that there is a potential chance that I'll be going back to slightly more spread out updates, depending on whether or not I get cast in this play. High school plays took up a lot of time, and I wouldn't be surprised if college ones take up even more.)

Also, the musical episode is back on track, although it'll most likely just be the showdown between Asshat and Lance (and a little quoute-unquote epilogue after that).

[Menarker]

That is all. ^,^

[Bard The 5th LW]

Joey's Rattata is perhaps the avatar of Arceus?

[Token]

Originally Posted by BardTheFifthLightWarrior

Joey's Rattata is perhaps the avatar of Arceus?

No.

What, you think I'd be that obvious?

So, I know I said I'd get an update up, but I've been drained and distracted these past couple of days. Haven't gotten a lot of sleep for various reasons, and I just got home from may first rehearsal. I'll try to type up the new ep now, but I wouldn't be surprised if I just passed out on my keyboard instead. If so, well, I don't have classes on Fridays, so I'll whip something up tomorrow.

[Token]

Six hours later:

-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUCK!

Oh, come on!

I just strained my vocal chords by yelling for six hours straight. And then you called me. How do you think I'm doing?

What.

Oh, I am going to take out so much frustration on you.

Your ass is mine.

Let's get this over with. Send out your stupid Rattata so I can mash it into a pulp.

What.

What?

What?

What?

Okay, come on!

Miss again. I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker!

Joey, you may have finally evolved you Rattata, but it's useless. Ampharos!

MUDA DA.

ZA WARUDO.

Well, that was fun. And now I'm starting to think straight... IDEA.

Hopefully the fuckers didn't block my way to the Underground...

Oh, thank Dennis.

I can just go through here...

HAHA. YOUR EVIL PLOT HAS BEEN FOILED, MOTHERFUCKER!

Right, time to gamble until someone fucks up Team Rocket's shit.

What.

What?

WHAT. Those fuckers must have tampered with the slots or something. Yep. That must be it. Time to smack a ho.

So, they're in the Radio Tower. Excellent. They're all gathered up for the slaughter.

You. I hate you.

It is now, nigga!

What gave you that idea?

I want the demise of everyone in your group.

You're useless.

It's bad enough that I can't listen to my music, but the slots are the last straw. I will destroy you all.

The true terror of Team Rocket? Are you kidding? You're about as scary as a used up hooker!

Bring it.

Let's see what you got.

Y'know, I hate a lot of things. But there aren't many things I despise as much Rattata and Raticate.

So of course you send out a second one, you complete fuck.

Watch deez.

I know.

Please. We both know you're gonna be derptarded and stay right there.

Because they are dicks.

Did... did you just laugh at me?

No, don't change the subject. Answer the fucking question.

You have the audacity to laugh at me, ignore me, and then you make demands of me?

Congratulations, nameless victim two-hundred-twenty-seven, you currently comprise the entirety of my shitlist.

In other words... die.

I am vengeance. I am the night. I! Am! ASSHAT! I mean Token.



Oh no. A card-carrying villain. Whatever will I do.

Time for you to lose.

That's one.

That's two.

That's... three? Damn. That's lucky.

Also awesome.

And that's the last two.

No. I think I'm a kid who's tired of of your stupid shenanigans.

Why are you still talking? Haven't I kicked your ass enough yet?

Hey, hey, no.

Also, you're ugly.

Also, your Pokemon have fainted.

Did I mention you're ugly? Because I feel that needs to be restated. A lot. Cuz damn.

I gathered.

Prepare to be underwhelmed: they're making a really loud phonecall to someone who won't pick up.

You'd think at some point over those three years, you'd have learned not to annoy children.

Uh huh. Just like the Spice Girls made a comeback.

So, which one are you? I mean, clearly you aren't Baby Spice, because I don't want to tap you.

I'm thinking Sporty? I never really liked Sporty. Dunno why.

Of course, I couldn't tell you why I liked Baby Spice the most either, for that matter.

But regardless, I would quite like to spice up my life.

Yeah, I guess this isn't the time or place for this discussion. I'll save it for my Twitter.

It's a bit late for that. Later.

Or murderbeasts I bond with out of a mutual hatred for everything else in this stupid region. Just sayin'.

Yeah, sure. I guess.

To get the hell out of my way?

Yeah, didn't think it'd be that easy.

Skittles? Destroy everything.

Good job.

Congratulations. A Pokemon named after candy is better at following orders than you are.

Eh. I guess.

So, is it gonna be a Rattata or a Zubat?

Ah, touche.

In the end, it's all the same though, isn't it?

I kid you not.

Good.

I hate useless people. Your point?

Heh. "Duties."

Wait, you fuckers get paid for this?

Yeah, that about sums it up.

I am a monument to all your sins.

Have fun losing.

Despite having a 4x type advantage. I'm sure that doesn't mean you suck or anything.

Oh, wait. Yes it does.

Cut that shit out.

You are immensely stupid. Besides, I doubt Giovanni's even listening to your shit.

Dammit.

Yeah, that's too easy. I'm not buying it.

What? I'm not in this to save anyone, I'm here to fuck Team Rocket's shit up.

No.

I said "no."

Oh for fuck's sake.

What is wrong with you people?

...
...
...
BELIEVE IT!


MOST HEINOUS!

No, it'll let you attempt to contact a man who was so frustrated by your ineptitude that he quit Team Rocket.

What, did I hit a nerve?

Flash fact: your entire plan is stupid.

I mean, what are you going to do if, I dunno, he's not listening to the radio?

Hell, if I were him, I'd be chillin' in some beach somewhere, or reforming Team Rocket in a region that isn't full of dumbshits.

Like the fact that none of it was thought through?

I honestly believe that a stiff breeze could stop Team Rocket.

No. Why on earth would I be trying to save a Rocket member?

Best back up outta my face before somethin' bad happens to you.

Drop the shit. I know you're a Rocket.

...You have got to be shitting me.

I hate you so very, very much.

I really couldn't be assed.

I can't even believe how many ways that defies rational thought.

First, you implied that there was even a possibility of you winning.

Secondly, a lot of your plan is riding on the fact that I can't get to your boss because I can't get the director's key. That in and of itself is stupid, but I'll play along.

Thirdly, you're actually willing to give up the location of a hostage if I beat you in a Pokemon battle? Instead of just, I dunno, killing the small child who's been such a pain in the ass?

Fourth, why has no one just shot me or anything yet? You're the fucking mafia, and I'm twelve!

Fifth: Why is it that no one on your team is has any decent Pokemon? You've only had three years to train, for fuck's sake!

Sixth: Really, couldn't you at least diversify your team a little? Oh no. A bunch of Poison and Normal types, whatever will I do OH DUH, I'LL SEND OUT A ROCK/GROUND TYPE AND NEVER TAKE ANY DAMAGE EVER. Mix it up, you stupid cockgoblin.

Seven: You've had three years to plan. You've probably spent thousands on this little operation. It'd take much less effort and money to simply put in a fucking classified ad. Or call his cell, for Arceus's sake.

Eight: Also, you really should be a lot more tight lipped with your secrets. Slowpoketail, Raticatetail, and Hail Giovanni. I shouldn't know that shit. But I do. And because of that, your base in Mahogany is now my fucking Batcave.

I'll be sporting, since you've lost anyway. I won't be pissed or hold it against you if you don't tell me where the director is. It's cool.

...what.

You're in luck, I have no clue where that is.

I...oh...

Yeah, I'd imagine it's locked or something. Ah well.

[Flarecobra]

Why did this start playing in my head as I read that?

[RobinStarwing]

Originally Posted by Flarecobra

Why did this start playing in my head as I read that?

I'm just surprised Skittles didn't turn into the Pokemon Lord of Nightmares O_O

[Token]

PREVIOUSLY ON THE MARVELOUS MISADVENTURES OF ASSHAT:

Team Rocket has been digging themselves deeper and deeper recently. They've never been bright, but many of their recent actions have been downright suicidal. First, they stole our "hero's" money, so he proceeded to force them out of Mahogany Town. This turned out to be a bad move on Asshat's part, as the Rockets decided to take over Goldenrod City. Normally, our foul-mouthed protagonist wouldn't care, but they both tampered with the slot machines and the radio tower. Without his usual stress-reliving gambling and crappy music, Asshat's rage gave him one clear goal: the complete and utter destruction of Team Rocket.

Asshat fought his way through the Radio Tower, defeating every Rocket Member in his path, and was recently given the key to Goldenrod's underground by a Rocket Executive who's stupidity reaches new limits. Asshat, disgusted by the constant inanity of the Rockets, has finally decided to take off the kid gloves and utterly obliterate the criminal organization. And so, we rejoin our hero in the Goldenrod City Pokemon Center as he decides to show just how serious he is.


Hm... I think I need to up my street cred. I guess that with Stupidhed on my team, I'm not exactly intimidating...

So..

Much more intimidating. And besides, I guess you've earned a change. Even if you are a Chikorita, you're surprisingly non-sucky.

Here we go... I'm starting to think that Team Rocket's ineptitude up until now has been a ruse to lull their enemies into a false sense of security. After all, that executive seemed quite eager to give me that key. I'm almost afraid to see what sorts of insidious security will be preventing me from entering the underground...

...Really, it was my own fault for expecting a challenge.

Well, allons-y.

Hark, are those footsteps I hear?

Oh lord. What are the odds of us getting this over with in a non-stupid manner?

Nonexistent. Fanfuckingtastic.

Kid, even as horrible incompetent as the Rockets are, I doubt that you could handle it.

I beat you like Joey beats himself to thoughts of his Rattata. That is to say, frequently, painfully, and with such ferocity that it should be illegal.

No, see, you're pathetic.

Wait, are you saying you short-changed me after our previous battles? THAT'S IT FUCKER, IT'S ON.

YES. YES I DO.

WATER!

FIRE!

EARTH!

MORE WATER!

DYNAMIC PUNCH!

BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN ASSHAT!

Cuz you's a bitch.

No you haven't.

Yes you did.

As I said, you'z a bitch.

What, do you need like a mathematical equation proving that you are in fact a bitch?

Fuck if I know. He was also a bitch.

Eh. Who knows.

Gay.

Really gay.

If so, good for you.

We've been over this. Your bitch status is what's keeping you from winning.

...What is so difficult to grasp about this concept?

Correct. Your bitchiness will persist for all time.

This is certainly a contributing factor.

This ain't Isshu, dude. Your dreams won't become reality.

Well that was an unneeded distraction.

I'm about twenty feet from the door. I'm not lost.

Uh huh. Right.

You bore me.

And so, I drown you.

Pretty much, yeah.

Easy enough to figure out.

Bet you I can.

Three? All that means is that it'll take two more PP to defeat you.

Case in point.

I'm relatively certain that you were sunk by your own ineptitude.

Congratulations, you're runner up for the stupidest laugh in Johto!

No.

Seeing as I'm going to defeat you anyway, can't you just tell me now? Save time?

Didn't think so.

Like I said, I'll win anyway.

Like a cheap hooker, yeah.

See the thing about Johtonians? They think that labeling the switches in the opposite order is a clever security measure.

Amazing. Why are you talking to me?

Okay, so how about you go do your thing, and let me go about my business?

You stupid bastard.

I mean, really, all you're doing is just making it more difficult if anyone else comes along and sees you.

Totally radical, I know.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Fork you.

Fair enough.

I suppose I could have been more polite.

After all, it's not your fault you attempted to mug me.

Oh, wait. Yes it is.

Skittles? Feel free to feast.

Well, that was gruesome.

Do I look lost?

My shoes are also covered in the blood of a burglar. Clearly, I know what I'm doing.

If it's any consolation, I'm afraid that you might procreate at some point.

I mean, the thought of your spawn running around out there in public... ugh.

I'll be blunt, it sickens me.

Just... ugh.

Pretty easily, really.

Wanna bet?

Forgive me if I don't flip a shit.

Look at all that shit that still hasn't been flipped.

The shit is still sitting there, in an entirely stationary and unflipped manner.

The only shit that is being flipped belongs to you.

Flippin' that shit like a fry cook.

Quite astute.

He doesn't care. He doesn't even know who you are.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Oh, sup dude? I seem to recall you not pissing me off.

Quite awesomely, yes. I don't suppose you've actually caught another Pokemon yet, have you?

You did? Good job. I'm considering letting you stay on when I take over.

A little more type diversity would help, but that's not really your fault, is it?

After all, the Rocket's current policy is basically enforced stupidity.

Eh. I guess.

Glad to hear it, Minion 1.

Quite easily.

Wanna bet?

This is gonna be a breeze.

Oh, right. Selfdestruct. You motherfucker.

Avenge your fallen brother!

I mean, obviously it'd be an adopted brother, considering he's a Grass type and you're a Rock type... you know what I mean.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

No, I came to get the Card Key.

Did you not understand what I said?

Wh...what about it?

It's been "taken over" by the Rockets.

... I hate you.

About time.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Yeah, I sorta figured the key would be used to unlock the doors. Thank you for that.

I am unmoved by your plight.

They will continue to make it difficult for me to listen to my tunes in peace. That is all.

That's not how radio works at all.

Stop calling! Stop calling! I don't wanna talk any more!

Well fine, I guess...

You stupid motherfucker.

Yes. Fuck yes. Hell fucking yes.

I don't care. I just got a motherfucking Amulet Coin.

My policy is now to rake in all the money everywhere and then spend it at the Goldenrod Game Corner.

This is clearly shaping up to be a good day.

Also it seems that the underground leads to the Department Store's basement for some reason? And the director still can't just escape?

Everything does not suck.

I may have spoken too soon.

No. Please never breathe again.

Yes it will. Don't even lie.

I know that by now.

Arceus I hope not.

Now, where was I?

Ah yes.

Destroying the fuck out of Team Rocket.

I... key... just... obviously... director... No?

A compelling argument.

Fundamentally flawed though.

No. I got the Card Key off of eBay.

Sarcasm, motherfucker. Do you grasp it?

So you take quad-damage from fire? Fantastic. That'll be good to know when I'm disposing of your corpse.

Oh?



Yeah, like I was really gonna stand still and not be a douche after you said that.

The fuck on. You consider yourself the Team Rocket fortress, and all you have is a single Golbat.

I cannot even explain how stupid that is. Wow.

I mean fuck. Even judging by the normal Rocket standards of stupidity, you've really raised the fucking bar.

Should I care either way?

Except that's never going to happen ever.

In fact, if your Pokemon are only "cute" if they beat me, then that means they're almost as ugly as you are.

U.

G.

L.

Y.

Y'all ain't got no alibi; you ugly.

Because you are a horrible DJ. Nickleback? Really? Fuck you.

Nah. You all look the same to me.

I think you'll find that you will.

With any luck, after you I only have to fight the dumbass in charge.

And as we've established...

...you're just another faceless obstacle on my path to bitchin' music...

...and obstacles don't stay in my way for very long.

I'm pretty sure it happened all over the place.

Of course you did. I've got pure, unbridled rage on my side.

No. But then again, someone as pathetic as you isn't worthy to even call me that.

I've fought every member of your organization except for the leader. I have yet to see any magnificence.

I'm sure you do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have one more mindless fuckwit to crush beneath my heel.

No. I'm simply a figment of your imagination.

That or your underlings all suck.

You couldn't have done something less annoying, like posted it on your Facebook?

Flash-fact: He. Doesn't. Care!

That's not going to happen. Ever. I'm tired of your shit, so I'm shutting you down.

It's too late for that, dude. You're the only one left. But if it's a battle you want, fine.

Let's rock it.
WARNING! BOSS BATTLE!
TokenASSHAT VS FINAL ROCKET DUMBSHIT

Huh. Didn't expect that.

Still, no matter.

Because at the end of the day, you're just another Rocket. I don't care if you're a Grunt, executive, hell Giovanni himself! None of you will ever get away with mildly inconveniencing me!

So fuck you. Fuck the spaceship you flew in on. Fuck your stupid outfits. Fuck your purple hair. Fuck your grunts, fuck your plans, fuck Mewtwo, fuck Giovanni, and most of all, fuck Joey.]

Now get the fuck out of my tower, and if I see you in the streets, I'm slapping the shit out of you.

Uh huh. Get out.

No. I don't want to hear your stupid speech where you break down or whatever. I want you to fix the slots, blast some fucking Ke$ha, and get out of my sight.

I swear to Dennis, I will punch you in the throat.

We have established that. Now LEAVE.

Good, fine, whatever, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Finally. I am in no mood to listen to any more jackasses tonight.

Mother of FUCK.

THEY WERE NEVER IN ANY DANGER. All the Rockets wanted was to get their boss to love them again! It wasn't even evil, it was just pathetic!

This had better be like a fucking Master Ball or something.

Of course not. That would have made this worthwhile.

Oh Zapdos. Exposition.

Do I look like I care?

I definitely don't want to give off that appearance. Trust me, I don't care. At all.

But seriously, what kind of a system is this?

For saving your tower or whatever, you give me a Pokemon's discarded feather.

That's fucking disgusting, and I hate you.

So I got a Lugia's feather. That's still disgusting.

I'm leaving now. I cannot take any more shit today. Everyone I have spoken to since I got transported here has just been a complete fucking idiot, and today's idiocy was so fucking far above and beyond the call of cunttardedness. I'm done.

Fuckin' A.


NEXT TIME: Deus Ex Pokeball

[Flarecobra]

....Dennis?

[Token]

Fan nickname for Genosect. What people thought was his battle music had a bunch of ominus Latin chanting that sounds oddly like "Dennis."