Taking the high road

[Jagos]

I know I'm a little late but...

I don't have many problems with just cutting her off and never talking or seeing her again(It's not like she'll bother coming to my wedding either), but thanks to the internet and phones my dad is still in constant contact with her. As weird as it is, despite how horrible she was to my dad growing up, and continually now, my dad won't stand up to her and just tries to be nice, because, as he says, "She's still my mom."

My advice would be more of the "give back her medicine respectfully approach" If she wants to be mean, that's fine but you don't let her walk over you. You respectfully (because she's your grandmother) tell her that you'd rather not come to talk to her based on what she's done before. She'll understand the hint.

I say that because I have a similar situation with my own grandmother. I used to live in Vegas and she would rather go gambling than spend time with me, her own grandson. As well, my cousins can get away with a LOT that I couldn't get away with. Regards to family father, your dad sounds a little too easy going. I'm not saying outright rebel against her. But sometimes you have to speak up for yourself rather than taking emotional abuse. My own dad is outspoken but when the argument isn't worth it, he will hang up on his mother if it makes him angry. We have choices to make. Telling others rather than bottling something inside works wonders on your self esteem.

[Premmy]

Originally Posted by Hatake Kakashi

I'll second that.

I do have to wonder what the numbers on the foil are for....

Chocolate is the door to happiness, cupcakes are the combination locks you must solve to open the door.

[Nique]

Originally Posted by Krylo

Just cut her off.

I'd agree with this, with the stipulation that it might be fair on your part to give her warning. I would confront/ write a letter, and just say 'You might not agree to this, but it's not an argument you just need to listen'. Lay out what exactly your problems with her are and tell her until she awknowledges, apologizes for, and changes her behavior, you will not have any contact with her at all, and you will encourage other family members to do the same.

My mother cut off her mom, and I followed suite. There is only so much lying and self-destructive behavior and endangerment to others you can bring before enough is enough. It's pretty much down to if she was in serious trouble or ill, we'd help her, but we don't socialize.

On the other hand, if you REALLY feel like it might be a relationship worth pursuing, you might try learning about HER past and attempting to understand why she is the way she is. Having a heart to heart with her may smooth out your relationship, although it may do very little about her behavior in general.

[Fifthfiend]

Speaking personally my relationship with my psychotic family only ever got better after I started raising high holy hell over their bullshit. It's kind of fucked that the only way my parents can comprehend that they need to deal with their offspring like actual human beings is by swearing a blue streak at them but that's just the way it is.

I generally echo people's advice that the best thing is to just not have anything to do with this woman to the extent that's possible but to the extent that it isnt taking the "high road" just sounds like giving her an excuse to continue doing what she's doing by letting her know there's no reason to ever stop. I mean I can appreciate why most people wouldn't go this way but just speaking personally your grandma mostly sounds like the kind of lady who really, really needs to hear the words "what the everliving fuck is wrong with you, you shitrat-crazy old bag?*"

I mean she'll probably sperg out and get all OFF-FENDED at being talked to the way she completely deserves, and even some or all of your family will take her side because they're too stupid to realize that you're just choosing to deal with a problem that she's responsible for, but ignore that and be a completely stubborn jackass about keeping this up every time she does some godawful thing and she's bound to start thinking twice before she shoots her evil old mouth off in front of you.

...And I don't mean to dismiss the high road either, it's just that the high road only works when you can legitimately see something as beneath you and not having the power to affect you and that doesn't at all sound like what's the case here. Like if someone shoots their mouth off at you and your reaction is to think "huh, you're a lesser human being for having said that" or like "wow I just do not have the energy to care about this petty nonsense", then you're taking the high road. But if that isn't the case and your reaction is to bite your lip and try to swallow back how angry you are at whatever incredibly hurtful bullshit whichever person just said, then you're just taking some shit off of people that you shouldn't be.

*And I realize this sounds pretty extreme but like I said, I've said this or worse to my parents and I hate doing it but it's the only thing that gets through either of their skulls. My dad used to do/does this thing where he'd drive me or my sister to tears or humiliate us in public or whatever and then try to chuckle about it like it was some big damn joke and swearing was and is the only thing that gets him to cut the bullshit and deal with what he'd fucking done.

[Nique]

Speaking personally my relationship with my psychotic family only ever got better after I started raising high holy hell over their bullshit. It's kind of fucked that the only way my parents can comprehend that they need to deal with their offspring like actual human beings is by swearing a blue streak at them but that's just the way it is.

I get this. I've never had to take it this far with anyone, but if you need to put someone in the position where they have to bring you down, there must be a lightbulb or something that goes off if there is any redeemable quality left to them. 'Wow, ok, I must've done something wrong here, cause my kid just laid me out'.

[Amake]

In my experience, spending time and energy on being civil people who are determined to be hostile to you is not worth it. I saw a lot of this in the thread:

You should never let anybody walk all over you, especially family.

If she wants to be mean, that's fine but you don't let her walk over you

But there is always a line somewhere, and you shouldn't let anybody walk over you.

And I'm wondering why there's any need for some battle of willpower with someone who wants to "walk all over you". Just stay out of her way.

This message has been brought to you by the What Difference Does Blood Relation Mean Anyway I Have No Idea foundation.

[Nique]

This message has been brought to you by the What Difference Does Blood Relation Mean Anyway I Have No Idea foundation.

It's sort of a social contract thing, and it's only natural to be drawn to those you share some sort of connection with, but even the 'unbreakable bond of family' can be shattered if someone wants to be a big enough jerk.

[Fifthfiend]

Originally Posted by Invisible Queen

In my experience, spending time and energy on being civil people who are determined to be hostile to you is not worth it. I saw a lot of this in the thread: And I'm wondering why there's any need for some battle of willpower with someone who wants to "walk all over you". Just stay out of her way.

This message has been brought to you by the What Difference Does Blood Relation Mean Anyway I Have No Idea foundation.

A lot of it is due to that to one degree or another family just tends to be unavoidable, because the person you can't stand is bound up in a whole web of connections with yourself and a bunch of other people you do presumably like and social obligations to those people and all that sort of thing.

Like I said I completely agree that far and away the best solution is to have nothing to do with this woman. It's just that a lot of times that isn't possible.

[Premmy]

you could do what My crazy-ass uncle did and.. I call it "flipping a Benny" after him, disown the entire fucking family. BUt then, Benny's crazy.Unless you do that, and I'm sure you don't, it's very very hard to cut off just one member of the family completely...