OH NOES NOT ANOTHER ONE! Let's Play Pokemon EMERALD

[mauve]

Originally Posted by Mac

You should name Torchik Kentucky

Or Sanders.

[Ecks]

Okay, so, I think I've made up my mind. To help the Professor dude, I mean.




This one seems like a worthy choice. It reminds me of KFC. Oh how I loved KFC... until Mom decided the whole family was going vegetarian. Thanks, Mom. Thanks so much.



Zigzagoon, eh? Looks like some kind of lame raccoon. I'm gonna go ahead and bet that there's a million of these things EVERYWHERE and its gonna bug the hell out of me in the future.




Okay, so now I'm officially a criminal. What? This is technically cockfighting. See? My chicken-esque Pokemon is even male.

Dude, that's totally weaksauce, man.

Huh?

You heard me.

Talking Pokemon? Stranger things have happened...

So are we gonna break this bitch's kneecaps or what?

Dude, I'm an asshole and even I'm not that harsh. Can't you just, I dunno, rough her up a little? Like, give her a couple scratches to scare her off?

Fine. Pussy.





Happy now?

Not really. I mean, big picture? I'm not a happy person. But at least she's out of the way.




So what you're saying is that this whole situation is your fault?



You're welcome. I expect compensation.



You heard me.



Yes. That is who I am.



Okay, sure, whatever. You better have something for me. Hazard pay, or something.

Wuss.

Shut up, I'm trying to get something outta this guy.

So go beat him up.

Maybe I'll beat YOU up.

HA HA HA, sure kid, and maybe I'm Abe Froman.



So, Birch.



Father? Heh, I don't have a father. Seriously, he's never around.



Well, it's not that big of a deal. I'm kinda fast, I can run through tall grass easily enough. I think.



I had to do all the work. This pansy wouldn't let me go all out.

Dude, it was a fucking Zigzagoon. Get off those steroids, man, they make your gonads shrink.

Yeah, well... Your mom.

Whatever, man.



Again, what father? I haven't seen him since I was three.

Never knew my dad either. Popped outta my egg and this hot brunette handed me over to the dork in the lab coat.

Was she wearing a green bandanna?

Yeah, that's the one. Pretty hot for jailbait.

One, you're a Pokemon. Pretty sure there's laws against... that. And two, she's my girlfriend. Hands off.

Really? A chickenshit like you? You're either rich or-

OH HEY PROFESSOR BIRCH WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE SAYING?




Wait, WHAT?

Really?



Well, it's better than nothing.

WHAT THE FUCK? Birch, don't give me to this asshole, please? I'm begging you.



What.

Hmm...



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What the fuck kind of name is Kentucky?

The kind that goes before Fried and Chicken, that's what!

Uh... okay, I'm gonna stop being a dick to this guy. If he's seriously contemplating EATING me...

Dude, you're way too lean. A wing has more meat on its bones than you do.

HEY! Are you insinuating that my lean meat would not be tasty? GO ON MOTHERFUCKER, TAKE A BITE!

Can the 'roid rage, Kentucky, I think Birch is trying to say something.




Oh, guess we didn't miss anything important.

Yeah, this guy never has anything interesting to say.

And you're some profound conversationalist?

Shut up, douche.



That's just fantastic- did you say May?



Let's see... I could say YES, or I could say, YES!

Wait... why are both options YES?

Because.



She will be when I'm through with her!



Sure, sure. Only replace "TRAINER" with "lover." Heh heh.

Dude, you're kinda creepy.

Oh, come on! I'm 12, she's hot and also 12! Do the math!

Point taken. Just... tone it down a notch, would ya?

Only if you cool your jets sometimes.

Fine.



That's cool. Guess what? I'm gonna go make out with his daughter.



Wat.

Yeah, I'm not touching that.

That's what she said!

Dude.

Okay, okay. I'm toning it down.



And we're off to go find May.



Cool, finally get to leave this hole.

Oh my God, you think it sucks here too?

Well, yeah. I mean, there's no Pokemon Center. No Mart. Not even a Gym. I mean, if there was a Checkers at least, that would be something.

You have great taste in fast food.

Coming from KFC Guy? Not sure if I take that as a compliment.



Sayounara, suckers!




Thanks for the tip. I don't really care.



Whoa, what the fuck?



Oh boy, a wild Pokemon.



Can I toast this one? Please?

Knock yourself out. Well, not really, but you understand what I'm getting at.

Sure do. Watch THIS!



Whoa.

But I didn't do anything yet.

I think he fainted from sheer fright.

Wuss.



I'm guessing that's gonna happen every time we go through a patch of grass.

Well, it would get tedious if it happened EVERY time.

We could just pretend it didn't happen.

Not all the time, though.

No, not all the time... just when it doesn't seem particularly interesting.

Whatever floats your boat, man.



No shit.



Nifty.



Oldale Town. Slightly less of a hole than Littleroot.

At least this one has a Pokemon Center.

Right?



Y'know, I'd have something for this, but I'm preoccupied with the whole gonna-go-make-out-with-May thing.

Just take me inside already, I'm dead on my feet.



I would have chosen a different color scheme...

HEY, MR. INTERIOR DECORATOR. TAKE ME TO THE PINK HAIRED NURSE BEFORE I ROAST YOU.

Dude, take a chill pill before you have an aneurysm.



Hmm. I know the whole 'hot nurse' thing is cliche, but you're lookin' pretty fine.

DUDE, HIT ON HER LATER.



Cool. When's your next break?

LATER!

Alright, sheesh.



Sure, why not.



SWEET RELIEF!



For you, baby? Anytime.




Wait a sec, what? WHAT?

Dude, chill, I think she just means that she'd rather see us back here than, y'know, let you die or something.

That's just it, though, isn't it? SHE'S HOPING I'LL GET HURT AGAIN, SO I HAVE TO COME BACK HERE! THAT BITCH!

No, that's fucking crazy, Kentucky.

But-

Dude, c'mon, let it go.

Alright fine... but I'm watching her... like a hawk.

A chicken hawk?

....




Really? Sweet.



Now to check my... huh?



"Someone's PC." Who's "Someone"? Is it... May? Naw, it would've had her name on it if it were... Still, s'not every day someone leaves their login and password for everyone to see.





Oh, I was hoping there was a porn collection on here or something...

Dude, you're 12.

So?




Anyway...




Wait, what did that say?



WHAT.

Dude, are all humans this stupid?



WHAT.



WHAT.



WHAT.

Dude, snap out of it!

Huh?

Are you... okay?

I dunno... hey, who's that guy?

What guy?



This guy.

I don't see anybody.




Okay, sure.

Who are you talking to?

The Poke Mart guy.

WHAT Poke Mart guy?



This one, the one I'm following to the Poke Mart.

What the hell are you talking about?



Are you... are you TALKING to yourself?

Course not, he's right here in front of me.




Oh, goody! What is it?





Thanks, man. Free Potions rule.



Dude, there was nobody there the whole time.

Huh?

You were talking to yourself. There was no one else around.

Okay, then where did this nifty Potion come from?

Okay, THAT is weird...

You're eyesight kinda sucks, buddy.

And your grammar leaves something to be desired.

What do grammar and leaves have ANYTHING to do with each other? I know there are lots of trees around here, but- okay, fine, I get it, change the subject...

....



Moving on! Let's go find May so I can get to making out with her.



Oh boy... more tall grass...



Whew, made it without being attacked. Hey, there's May! Now let's...



...sneak up on her...




Damn, got spotted.



What's happenin', hot stuff?



Yeah, his name is Kentucky. Say hello.

I hate you.

BOY, I SURE COULD GO FOR SOME EXTRA CRISPY.

I mean hello.




Are you saying... you wanna *snicker* play with my COCK?

Okay, dude, that's pretty lame. Come on.

What? It totally works.

No, dude, no.

You're a male... chicken... thing... she wants to battle, which is sorta like playing...

Finished?

Yeah, okay, fine. I thought it was funny.

Nobody cares what you think.



Pokemon Trainer May sent out Mudkip!



Hey Kentucky?

Yeah, Ecks?

Do you liek mudkipz?

I FUCKING LOOOOOOVE MUDKIPZ!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But seriously, let's go.



YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, PUNK! FLAMETHR-



WHAT.

Dude, you're level seven. You don't know Flamethrower.

But... but that's not fair...

Dude, just use Focus Energy and scratch him up a bit.

Guess I have to work with what I have.





YEAH, GET SOME! GET SOME!



Whoa, calm down, killer.

Huh?

You won, hurray, now cool it.

Jeez, what crawled up your ass and died? I'm PUMPED.

Okay, now un-PUMP for a sec.



YEAH, LEVEL EIGHT! WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

Settle down, dude.




Yeah, I know, and we haven't even done anything yet.

Way to take everything she says out of context.

DUDE! DON'T HANG A LAMPSHADE ON MY M.O.!

Shit, I accidentally the whole LP, didn't I?

Wow, there goes the fucking fourth wall.

Sorry man.

You better be.



Wait a sec, I get money? For winning? Man, my girlfriend rules.

Ahem. I get a cut of that.

What?

I did all the work, so I should get a cut of that.

Where the hell are you gonna carry it? You don't have any pockets. Or a wallet.

Fine... but you better not spend all my money...



Y'know, I like your dad and all, but why don't we ever talk about us? And by "talk about us" I mean "make out like hormonal teenagers"?



Where the word "like" is a loosely defined term.




Wait, we haven't made out yet.



Dammit.

Bummer.

Like you care.

Sure don't.

Whelp, I'd rather not go through the grass, as you're a little worn out from that battle.

I am not... I could fight, if I wanted to.

Whatever, gonna jump that ledge.




Yeah, I can jump.




Dude, what was that all about?

Kentucky, sometimes you gotta jump before you can run.

Huh. Iron Man reference.

I know, wasn't Robert Downey Jr. THE MAN in that?

I wouldn't know, I was paying more attention to Gwyneth Paltrow.

Touche.

Pretty good looking for a woman her age.

Anyway, before we head back to that HOLE...




Aw, sweet, there's May.




Only for you, babe. Because seriously, I hate Littleroot.





Yup, fantastic. Hurray. Whatever. May's hot.



Maybe she can help me with MY research, huh huh.

Put a sock in it, dork.



Well that's cool, dude.




Uh oh...

What?



GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!

WHAT?

Originally Posted by ECKS

And then I'll get sent on some vague, impossible errand, where I'll have to travel the world...

That.

So, let me get this straight. Because Birch gave you a PokeDex, you are automatically obligated to travel the world so that you can find EVERY SINGLE POKEMON IN EXISTENCE to record data for it?

Pretty much.

FUCK YOU BIRCH!




Yeah, that's cool and everything, but WHY ISN'T IT ALREADY FINISHED? ARE YOU TELLING ME I'M THE ONLY SAP YOU'VE CONNED INTO DOING THIS FOR YOU?



Apparently not. Evidently your dad's never heard of child labor laws, has he, May?




THEN WHY AREN'T THE PAGES SHE'S SHOWN YOU ALREADY RECORDED IN MINE?




OH BOY OH BOY IS IT WHAT I THINK IT IS?

No.



AHAHAHAHAHA!

Why are you laugh- oh, I get it. The symbolism. Motherfucker.

HEE HEE HEE! Hey Ecks!

Ugh... what.

She just gave you balls! Which is implying that you had none before!

Shut up.



I think we should see other people.



We can still be friends with benefits, right?



RIGHT?




Oh, goddammit.

Cheer up dude. There's bound to be plenty of hot LEGAL tail somewhere in Hoenn.

Problem. I'm NOT legal.

Oh.

She'll come back to me. They always do.

Dude, she was never your girlfriend to begin with.

LET ME LIVE IN MY FANTASY WORLD, OKAY KENTUCKY?

And I thought I had problems...



Ugh... Let's go, I never want to come back here ever.

Ditto.



Shit. It's Mom. Better leave before she-



Sees me.



Yup. And he was not a total moron or creepy at all.



Did you hear that? She thinks I'm adorable.

How do you know she didn't say EDIBLE?

Because it's right there, in print, you idiot.

Ignoring you.



What father? Mom, he left you for a Gardevoir. Or at least that's what all the mean kids at school used to tell me, right before they beat me up for my lunch money. Y'know, before you started homeschooling me. Speaking of which, once Kentucky learns Flamethrower...





Aww... th-thanks... M-Mom... You didn't have to... *sniff*



Mom, they're running shoes. You put them on and you RUN. Why should that need any further direction?



Oh, cool, she actually skipped the instructions.



Great, good for him.



Yeah, sure, like that's gonna happen.



I will, Mom. Thanks for the shoes.



You should be nicer to your Mom.

That WAS nice. I thanked her for the shoes.

If that's "nice," I can't wait to see "asshole."



Well... now what?

Beats me.

---

And here we are. Go ahead and call me a hack. I don't really care, I'm having more fun writing this than actually playing the game. Thanks for the lead on those sprites, Token, I appreciate it.

Yeah, I went with Mac's suggestion for Torchic's name. I figured it would go right along with my entirely-spur-of-the-moment decision to make frequent fast-food chain references. I'm very sad that I didn't get to Mauve's suggestion until AFTER I'd already played and written the update.

Also, I'm planning on doing mini-updates each time I add a new Pokemon to the team, kinda like character profiles. This way, I can sort of explain each team member's personality in full, along with various other random unnecessary factoids. There won't be too many - when I play Pokemon, I don't swap out team members very often unless one of them becomes obsolete. I try to put together a team that will last right up to the end of the game. Hence, when I ask you guys for input on what Pokemon I should pick up for the team, what I really mean is

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY

No 6 Beautifly team, no "Not Fully Evolved only" team, nothing like that. Each team slot has to be filled by something that will at least get me through the next Gym, though something I can keep long term would be preferable.

Next leg of the journey is Oldale to Petalburg. I would like to ask from you:

a) which Pokemon (if any) should I capture (keeping the previous couple of paragraphs in mind) along the way

b) how should I go about trainer battles, etc? I know I wasn't too good about it in this update, because apparently despite the HP bar moving back and forth, my opponents never hit me with an attack. Emerald doesn't stop after the opponent makes a move, and it goes right to your turn, and I'm horrible with savestates.

c) am I doing a decent job for my first LP? Granted, this is only the second update but given a couple of comments I'm wondering if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

I am committed to this, believe me, I'll make it at least to Dewford Town before I have my first breakdown.

That's all for now, look forward to Kentucky's Character Profile soon! And then following that, the next REAL update.

EDIT: For your viewing pleasure, this update now uses 100% more ANIMATE GIF FILES! Onward to a bright new future of fantastic animated goodness! I'll get to each update when I can, I may not be able to go in and edit each update tonight, but I'll get it done!

[Julford Hajime]

a) which Pokemon (if any) should I capture (keeping the previous couple of paragraphs in mind) along the way

Taillow, and at least keep him till he evolves into Swellow, because Swellow is great (Though admittedly 4th gen was nicer to him than 3rd gen, as Guts is harder to trigger).

Poochyena is good for the first half of the game, though yeah, he is something of a wimp later on.

Still though, the Shroomish and Slakoth lines are available early and always useful.

[Ecks]

Sounds great. Was already figuring a Slaking and a Breloom, though Breloom might push it once we hit Mossdeep (as I recall, the twins are master trolls, and I'll already have Combusken/Blaziken by that point, amplifying my Fighting weakness).

Not too sure if I'll go for Swellow... Altaria sounds fantastic, but I won't bump into Swablu until just before Meteor Falls.

I'm thinking Barboach is gonna be my water type... if I can remember where to find it. Whiscash is a serviceable substitute for Swampert (Used him in Diamond against E4 to great effect, despite his speed).

I've also been thinking about picking up Ralts, as I've found Gardevoir to be a decent substitute for Alakazam (especially given the fact that you can evolve Kirlia in a ROM, whereas Kadabra requires some trickery). Only problem with Ralts is it will need level grinding to actually get it to learn Confusion.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I'd go with a sold well balanced team. I suggest getting Gyarados as soon as possible (ie Magikarp and grind it). They may have a x4 weakness to Lightning, but i find them to have some powerful early game movies.

[Ecks]

Not sure if want on the Gyarados. I've had a Gyarados in EVERY POKEMON GAME I'VE PLAYED EVER. Kinda wanna do something different here. But I will consider it.

[Thadius]

Eh. Normally I'd say 'beat them all up, steal their money, use it to buy pokeballs, technically fulfill your obligation to Prof. Asshole, and go on your own merry way,' but this is your LP.

That being said.

Tailow for something that can learn Fly. Zigzagoon because as I understand it he learns way too many HM moves to NOT make an HM bitch. And Ralts so that you can have a team member plant creepy dreams into the minds of your opponents.

[Ecks]

Goddammit Thadius I hate it when you make too much sense...

Okay, that's all for tonight, ciao!

[Bard The 5th LW]

Like the Torchik and its name, as I am a denizen of KY.

I suggest a Ralts definitely, and maybe a Breloom. If you don't want a Gyrados, maybe you can use a Crawdaunt, or a Wiscash as you yourself suggested.

I'd recommend a Bagon or Trapinch to at some point. Both of those were always useful in my opinion, and Trapinch is easier to acquire and train than most dragon-types.

[Great Cartoonist]

Ooh, ooh, this looks very promising. You should try and catch a slakoth and make it usable, because there's lots of fun to be had with a Slaking that can punch through Rhydons.

Also, I get my sprites from The Spriters Resource. Mostly from the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon section. I use Graphicsgale to cut out the individual sprites and add alpha transparency.

Also also, my next update is coming soon I assure you
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